Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
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Contents
If you're contemplating a midlife crisis divorce, push the pause button and read this first.
Regardless of whether you're the person making the choice to end it or the one that divorce is being forced upon, take a couple of minutes to read this article and see if you can see yourself somewhere in it.
I’m often asked if a midlife crisis means divorce.
The statistics on divorce can certainly make it easy to think so.
After all, when your partner checks out, often moves out, and shows no interest in coming back, or even worse, has a midlife crisis affair, what else are you supposed to do?
A divorce may seem like the only option.
It's also easy to let you mind go to the worst-case scenario. You've lost him (or her) and things are over. You’re imagining –
all gone.
He (or she) may have even said they’ve fallen out of love, or that they love you but aren’t in love with you. In some cases people claim they married the wrong person as they try relive their youth and add up all the things that have kept them from achieving their goals. (Becoming a pro surfer? Were you really what held them back?)
Sound familiar?
While it's true that a person experiencing a midlife crisis is lost, it's not true that every midlife crisis has to lead to divorce.
A midlife crisis is as confusing for the person experiencing it as it is for those that love them. It can cause a temporary loss of perspective and understanding for both partners. Unfortunately, its during this confusion that many midlife crisis divorces occur.
However, when you as their spouse take a step back and make an effort to better understand this, it can really help you in making the difficult decisions you’ll need to make going forward.
So, back to the question - do all midlife crises end in divorce?
No, they don’t.
Here's a not so unusual example:
My husband told me 5 months ago he wanted a divorce and that he wasn't in love with me anymore. He was going to leave after the holidays. They came and went and he stayed. He was going to leave in February, then it was eventually, now it is after our daughter graduates. He asked me to attend his family Easter dinner with him, but still insists he is done. I am not sure that he is and that is why he hasn't left even when I told him to. I think he is having a midlife crisis and doesn't know what he is doing." -Liz
Liz's husband is pretty typical example of what a midlife crisis divorce often looks like.
She's right in concluding that he "doesn't know what he is doing." Confusion and contradictory behavior are common during a midlife crisis.
Men in midlife crisis are lost, and unsure and uncertain of what they really want.
Often, they’re hearing the ticking of time passing them by and have a desire to chase after anything they think will make them feel less unhappy. This can lead to erratic behavior and irresponsible choices.
These may include:
Part of what drives a midlife crisis is dissatisfaction and a desire for things to be different. However, this isn’t unusual at middle life.
During midlife most people want to make some kind of changes. This is commonly referred to a midlife transition and is a reevaluation and reordering of priorities.
Not only is this natural during these years, but it’s also healthy. And it’s not the same as a midlife crisis.
A midlife crisis goes beyond reevaluating and making some adjustments. Someone going through a midlife crisis makes drastic and severe changes in an almost desperate manner.
One of the easiest and most immediate things to change is your relationship.
After all, changing yourself takes work. But checking out of a relationship just takes packing a bag, getting drunk every day, or having an affair.
So, it's typical for men talk about divorce or say they want a divorce during a midlife crisis. Yet many never follow through with it.
Why?
Because saying they want to end the relationship keeps their partner at a distance, however, and gives them power and control. But more than anything it just comes out of the confused state they're in as they try to determine what they should change so they'll feel happier.
He just wants to do his own thing, that really is the only other reason he can give me. 4 months after moving out, he has decided he wants to divorce. He pops round occasionally to see our son and on leaving gives me a hug and kiss on cheek! The divorce is now going through. I am still in utter shock and cannot believe my once adoring loving kind appreciative husband has turned into this selfish person. I honestly do not recognize him anymore. Both of our children think he has been abducted and replaced with an alien. He has joined the gym, bought a fast car, started drinking again, something that he did give up as it always caused arguments, he has changed his style of dress and booked himself a holiday and flew off into the sunset. I am just trying to understand what has happened to my husband, my marriage etc. Nothing makes sense anymore." -Tiffany
Does Tiffany’s husband sound familiar?
There is a reason that the stereotype exists and her husband is displaying some of the classic symptoms of a male midlife crisis.
What should you do if you’re facing a midlife crisis divorce?
Here are a few suggestions. Although it should be understood that in any situation so fraught with emotion and pain these are much easier said than done.
Thank you for your advice about 'giving him space'. After two years of being treated like a discarded piece of garbage by my husband of 20+ years, going into my own depression and experiencing anxiety over what was happening in our marriage at this point complete with texts and emails urging him to recognize what he was throwing away etc. I decided to give him is space. Just a few weeks later he started reaching out to me and told me he was ashamed etc. and I latched onto it immediately and started to get my hopes up. I was wrong - he immediately started trying to manipulate the situation so that he could come back and continue to live as a bachelor and do what he pleased as, after all, it's he who is going through the midlife crisis and we should do whatever it takes to 'entice' him to stay etc. I refused, felt like I had taken a huge step backwards in my own recovery, felt even worse about the fact that our children also felt like there was hope and then realized that they were not on his agenda of people he liked to spend time with either. 6 months later we're a month away from when I can legally file for divorce and he's started reaching out again. I'm so glad I gave him his space because it was just the space I needed to realize that he has overstepped every boundary of our relationship (and I'm very open minded) and now I'm in a place where I actually realize that I have a fortunate life with many positives." -Charlotte
Although midlife crisis and divorce often go together they don't have to and really shouldn't.
Divorce is a life altering decision that should only be made when both partners are thinking clearly and not overrun by emotions.
Even if your partner is determined divorce is the answer, you don't have to go along with it easily, or without seeking couples counseling and exploring other options for resolving things.
While moving slowly and keeping things in perspective is crucial, if you're dealing with a partner who says they want a midlife crisis divorce don’t completely ignore the talk or threats either. It’s true they may go away or never materialize, but you still need to work to get things back on track.
Yes, the prospect of a divorce is certainly scary and can inspire frightened and desperate behavior, but you can instead choose to try and understand the midlife crisis your spouse is experiencing.
With more knowledge you’ll be much more effective in helping them to better understand the reality of what they’re going through and about to lose forever.
It can be hard to keep a clear head when such a large part of your world is being threatened. So, when you’re facing the prospect of a midlife crisis divorce, keep the following things in mind:
Everyone involved needs to remember the person in a midlife crisis is lost.
It's very important for both partners to remember this fact. And so, the advice in this article actually applies to both the partners when either is considering a midlife crisis divorce.
Did you see yourself somewhere in here?
Editor's Note: This post was originally published July 13, 2016, updated on August 18, 2020 and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
One of the hardest parts of a midlife crisis is being the partner of the man in one.
Think a man in your life it going through a mid-life crisis? Learn the signs here.
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My husband is having a MLC. He moved out 3 months ago. We’ve had a series of challenges over the past few years- moves, illnesses, change of jobs and death of a parent. I recently found out my husband closed another bank account. I went to the bank and got the records. I found out that he recently went to a family attorney. I’m not sure if I should confront him or just let things play out? I too have gotten the ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you “ talk. He’s also said a lot of other mean things which is totally out of character. I’m giving him his space. It doesn’t take much to get him irritated. Sometimes he’s kind. I’m living my life. I’m taking the fall for his unhappiness.
I have been married almost 35 years to my husband. He has been distant and cold fir about 2 months. He told me on New Years day he is no longer interested in sex with me. As a matter of a fact he doesnt show any affection. We had a talk and he said he is not interested in anyone else, not sure I believe him? We sleep in separate beds in the same room. He doesn't text me anymore to see how the day is going. After a momentary sexual uncounted with him last week,he announced rather angrily,that he doesnt love me and never will! I was devastated. We previously had a conversation about staying married. He said he loves me and didn't want a divorce.confusion on my part. Now he says he just doesn't care about anything, that nothing matters. He said he cares about his friends, male and female and his daughters. He said I could live in tbe house as long as I want to. Finances are difficult. I see signs of depression for awhile now. So lost, he refuses to discuss our marriage future. Says get a divirce if you want to. Hes not getting one.I have tried to tell him I live him, support him,and respect him. Deaf ears, but I said it.I am trying to be living and respectful, and caring even though it hurts like hell. Don't know what else to do. Praise, respect ,Hard to communicate with someone who shuts you down.
I am writing a follow up to my situation. My husband of 35 years told me he wants a divorce,(bomb dropped 6 months ago), never loved me in 35 years. Only stayed with me to keep his family together. In spite of the fact we had a happy good life. He said all the wonderful things he wrote me and all the times we made love was him lying and pretending. He hates everything about me he says. Just wants me out of his life forever. He also blames me for our grown children who are having a difficult time with him and his actions, for not speaking to him right now. I am to blame for everything. The topper for me came this am when he called me slut and a whore. I believe he was referring to 30 years ago, when my ex husband raped me. A horrible situation which we came through together. It is an excuse but nevertheless it is painful. The total lack of respect and hatred is immense. He told me to get out and that he was divorcing me and so mad that I would ask for money every month to live. I asked for $400. He told me he will never give me one dime and that I remind him of everything he has lost with his daughters and its my fault. He said if I had only told them that "we" wanted a divorce instead of dad asked for a divorce, it would all be ok. They have seen changes in him and know hes been struggling. But he is cruel and mean to me and they can't stand it. They are all married and we have one granddaughter, who he is not seeing. His choice. But blames me. I know he is in midlife crisis, but the verbal and emotional abuse is horrible and I have decided to move out and got my own apartment. I love him but afraid the demons have him. I have detached but never have I yelled back or engaged in his bad behavior. I set firm loving boundaries. After spewing this am he texted me to say he shouldn't have said anything and that he will never talk to me again. HE just wants the divorce to be easy and peaceful and I asking for money was not cool. Feeling guilty for not telling him I am leaving, but afraid of anger and rage, which is starting to scare me. I want my marriage, but this has been going on for 2 years and he is in replay and I know it gets worse before it gets better.I have to think of myself. I am sad and heartbroken like others on this thread but at a loss as to what to do. I know our life was more than he sees but the pain is awful. We live separate lives, he is in another room and never comes home. The mood swings are horrible and I feel bad he is going through this. I know I didn't break him and I cannot fix him. Hoping that he has some kind of break through and realizes what hes doing but not hopeful anymore.
I've been reading this site for the last month since my husband of 22 years left. We started with problems a year earlier when I found he'd been texting a girl at work (shes 24, hes 48) and he'd seemingly kissed her but not slept with her. We went to marriage guidance but neither of us were keen on the counsellor. The first 6 months seemed like we were moving forward but this year I've suspected that hes been unhappy. I called him out on it and he admitted he was. So he agreed to leave to "sort his head out". But it all went wrong when we told the kids (20,16,16) as one had seen him still messaging this girl. So it ended with me literally kicking him out of the house. The "girl" is still with her boyfriend (because as a woman scorned I contacted him). Husband says he has no contact with her and the recent contact was just messages as friends. Hes agreed to see a counsellor this week as says hes been miserable for a while and wants to sort himself out. Hes desperately sorry for the pain hes caused and is grateful that I've encouraged the kids to still have a relationship with him - hes always been a great dad but they hated him when it happened. I dont know whether to give him time or just accept its over and move on. I dont even know if I could take him back if he wanted to
Kurt, why do men in midlife crisis often seem to leave home and yet don’t file for divorce even after being gone for a long period of time? My husband left 3.5 years ago and never filed and avoided me whenever I contacted him about moving forward with the legal process. (We don’t communicate other than when I contact every few months about legal stuff.) He even recently changed his phone number. I’ve noticed many others say their spouses have been gone for a year or longer and have never filed and don’t talk about divorce. It seems really strange for someone to leave a marriage and not take any steps towards legally ending it, even after a long time has passed.
I doubt my husband has any thoughts of ever returning to our relationship. I was diagnosed with serious cancer and he changed his phone number soon after.