Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
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Contents
If you're contemplating a midlife crisis divorce, push the pause button and read this first.
Regardless of whether you're the person making the choice to end it or the one that divorce is being forced upon, take a couple of minutes to read this article and see if you can see yourself somewhere in it.
I’m often asked if a midlife crisis means divorce.
The statistics on divorce can certainly make it easy to think so.
After all, when your partner checks out, often moves out, and shows no interest in coming back, or even worse, has a midlife crisis affair, what else are you supposed to do?
A divorce may seem like the only option.
It's also easy to let you mind go to the worst-case scenario. You've lost him (or her) and things are over. You’re imagining –
all gone.
He (or she) may have even said they’ve fallen out of love, or that they love you but aren’t in love with you. In some cases people claim they married the wrong person as they try relive their youth and add up all the things that have kept them from achieving their goals. (Becoming a pro surfer? Were you really what held them back?)
Sound familiar?
While it's true that a person experiencing a midlife crisis is lost, it's not true that every midlife crisis has to lead to divorce.
A midlife crisis is as confusing for the person experiencing it as it is for those that love them. It can cause a temporary loss of perspective and understanding for both partners. Unfortunately, its during this confusion that many midlife crisis divorces occur.
However, when you as their spouse take a step back and make an effort to better understand this, it can really help you in making the difficult decisions you’ll need to make going forward.
So, back to the question - do all midlife crises end in divorce?
No, they don’t.
Here's a not so unusual example:
My husband told me 5 months ago he wanted a divorce and that he wasn't in love with me anymore. He was going to leave after the holidays. They came and went and he stayed. He was going to leave in February, then it was eventually, now it is after our daughter graduates. He asked me to attend his family Easter dinner with him, but still insists he is done. I am not sure that he is and that is why he hasn't left even when I told him to. I think he is having a midlife crisis and doesn't know what he is doing." -Liz
Liz's husband is pretty typical example of what a midlife crisis divorce often looks like.
She's right in concluding that he "doesn't know what he is doing." Confusion and contradictory behavior are common during a midlife crisis.
Men in midlife crisis are lost, and unsure and uncertain of what they really want.
Often, they’re hearing the ticking of time passing them by and have a desire to chase after anything they think will make them feel less unhappy. This can lead to erratic behavior and irresponsible choices.
These may include:
Part of what drives a midlife crisis is dissatisfaction and a desire for things to be different. However, this isn’t unusual at middle life.
During midlife most people want to make some kind of changes. This is commonly referred to a midlife transition and is a reevaluation and reordering of priorities.
Not only is this natural during these years, but it’s also healthy. And it’s not the same as a midlife crisis.
A midlife crisis goes beyond reevaluating and making some adjustments. Someone going through a midlife crisis makes drastic and severe changes in an almost desperate manner.
One of the easiest and most immediate things to change is your relationship.
After all, changing yourself takes work. But checking out of a relationship just takes packing a bag, getting drunk every day, or having an affair.
So, it's typical for men talk about divorce or say they want a divorce during a midlife crisis. Yet many never follow through with it.
Why?
Because saying they want to end the relationship keeps their partner at a distance, however, and gives them power and control. But more than anything it just comes out of the confused state they're in as they try to determine what they should change so they'll feel happier.
He just wants to do his own thing, that really is the only other reason he can give me. 4 months after moving out, he has decided he wants to divorce. He pops round occasionally to see our son and on leaving gives me a hug and kiss on cheek! The divorce is now going through. I am still in utter shock and cannot believe my once adoring loving kind appreciative husband has turned into this selfish person. I honestly do not recognize him anymore. Both of our children think he has been abducted and replaced with an alien. He has joined the gym, bought a fast car, started drinking again, something that he did give up as it always caused arguments, he has changed his style of dress and booked himself a holiday and flew off into the sunset. I am just trying to understand what has happened to my husband, my marriage etc. Nothing makes sense anymore." -Tiffany
Does Tiffany’s husband sound familiar?
There is a reason that the stereotype exists and her husband is displaying some of the classic symptoms of a male midlife crisis.
What should you do if you’re facing a midlife crisis divorce?
Here are a few suggestions. Although it should be understood that in any situation so fraught with emotion and pain these are much easier said than done.
Thank you for your advice about 'giving him space'. After two years of being treated like a discarded piece of garbage by my husband of 20+ years, going into my own depression and experiencing anxiety over what was happening in our marriage at this point complete with texts and emails urging him to recognize what he was throwing away etc. I decided to give him is space. Just a few weeks later he started reaching out to me and told me he was ashamed etc. and I latched onto it immediately and started to get my hopes up. I was wrong - he immediately started trying to manipulate the situation so that he could come back and continue to live as a bachelor and do what he pleased as, after all, it's he who is going through the midlife crisis and we should do whatever it takes to 'entice' him to stay etc. I refused, felt like I had taken a huge step backwards in my own recovery, felt even worse about the fact that our children also felt like there was hope and then realized that they were not on his agenda of people he liked to spend time with either. 6 months later we're a month away from when I can legally file for divorce and he's started reaching out again. I'm so glad I gave him his space because it was just the space I needed to realize that he has overstepped every boundary of our relationship (and I'm very open minded) and now I'm in a place where I actually realize that I have a fortunate life with many positives." -Charlotte
Although midlife crisis and divorce often go together they don't have to and really shouldn't.
Divorce is a life altering decision that should only be made when both partners are thinking clearly and not overrun by emotions.
Even if your partner is determined divorce is the answer, you don't have to go along with it easily, or without seeking couples counseling and exploring other options for resolving things.
While moving slowly and keeping things in perspective is crucial, if you're dealing with a partner who says they want a midlife crisis divorce don’t completely ignore the talk or threats either. It’s true they may go away or never materialize, but you still need to work to get things back on track.
Yes, the prospect of a divorce is certainly scary and can inspire frightened and desperate behavior, but you can instead choose to try and understand the midlife crisis your spouse is experiencing.
With more knowledge you’ll be much more effective in helping them to better understand the reality of what they’re going through and about to lose forever.
It can be hard to keep a clear head when such a large part of your world is being threatened. So, when you’re facing the prospect of a midlife crisis divorce, keep the following things in mind:
Everyone involved needs to remember the person in a midlife crisis is lost.
It's very important for both partners to remember this fact. And so, the advice in this article actually applies to both the partners when either is considering a midlife crisis divorce.
Did you see yourself somewhere in here?
Editor's Note: This post was originally published July 13, 2016, updated on August 18, 2020 and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
One of the hardest parts of a midlife crisis is being the partner of the man in one.
Think a man in your life it going through a mid-life crisis? Learn the signs here.
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So, the spouse is supposed to put up an affair and being treated like crap for 3 to 4 (or maybe up to 10 years?). Let me tell you--I lasted 2 1/2 months--IT IS WRONG--JUST GET OUT! It's better to be alone than to be treated like dirt and envision your spouse making love to some other person CONSTANTLY. EVERY DAY. It's a NIGHTMARE and you shouldn't have to live it. I thought I wanted to save my marriage--but YEARS??? NO WAY! I have too much self-respect for that! MLC or NOT--you KNOW cheating is WRONG (are they out robbing banks? Ummm, no. Why not? Because they KNOW IT'S WRONG! So, why do they cheat--BECAUSE YOU ARE LETTING THEM!! I know how incredibly sad, terrifying and lonely it is; but MOVE ON and you'll be much happier for it!
Tandy, I too lasted 2 1/2 months when I was out with my son and saw them together. We had “separated” in January but we are still living in the same house.when I confronted him two weeks ago he told me it didn’t matter because we were separated, but nothing has been done legally....so I think he is wrong. Even though he won’t own up to it I believe it has been going on for much longer. He places all of the blame on me and takes no responsibility for his own actions. I went to a lawyer and started the process to divorce him. I still love him and tried to work on myself to make things better....but now knowing what I know I could never trust him again.
I am also going through husbands menopause.He is seeing someone and has been for awhile.I also filed for divorce.To many lies and being mentally and verbally abused takes a toll.I cannot forgive and forget.Someday when he comes out of this it will be to late.Looking forward to my new life just me
Dr. Smith:
Please look up Frontotemporal Dementia, a common but under-recognized young-onset dementia that tends to strike around age 50.
This dementia destroys morals, empathy, emotions and inhibitions NOT memory. The marriage is just the first casualty of this horrific disease as it runs its course.
Thank you, Althea. I will check it out. - Dr. Kurt
I filed for divorce.Its been around 3 months now going through his menopause.Ive gotten verbally and mentally abused.Always to hear I have done nothing right throughout the marriage,also having a girlfriend.Lieing,cheating,staying out all night.No one deserves to be treated this way.It is so hard to comprehend this is a person I dont even know.I want nothing to do with him.
I am also going through husbands menopause.He is seeing someone and has been for awhile.I also filed for divorce.To many lies and being mentally and verbally abused takes a toll.I cannot forgive and forget.Someday when he comes out of this it will be to late.Looking forward to my new life just me
My husband has been in menopause for 3 years. I tried telling him about it. He refused to listen or accept it. I have been supportive in his changes - new sports car, new house, quit his job, sold his car. It was an inconvenience to have one car, but he only needed it once a week. By week two, it was every day!
I gave him plenty of room. Even allowed him to have several one night stands. Thought he'd get this out of his system and come back to reality.
It's been getting worse. In the beginning he'd make me cry hysterically. Now I am numb to his torturous words. He does nothing around the house. I mean NOTHING. I work all day, then come home and do laundry, make meals, clean up pets, clean house, shopping, etc. He's on the computer playing games all day. He gets angry all the time. He's depressed.
There are times he's so loving. I remember why I am with him. Then 2 seconds later he's screaming at me, or just screaming, knocking things to the ground, breaking things.
For the past 6 months, when he gets bad I keep saying to myself next time this happens, it's over. And every time I let it go.
The final straw was yesterday. I am writing a letter now so I remember what I want to say to him. Giving him his last chance. He gets help or we get a divorce.
I have been married for 25 years to a woman that I will call Linda. We dated for several years prior, and while she had some small physical issues and mental health problems, nothing seemed serious as she was still able to work full time. The early years of marriage we did have sex regularly and tried to have children, but that did not occur. No follow up testing was done and we chalked it off as just not being “Meant to be”.
During the first 13 years or so I never felt attracted to anyone else, but around 11 years ago, I became attracted to a coworker who was about 10 years younger. She was engaged and later became married, but I still had a huge crush on Nadine. In order to protect my relationship with my wife, I figured the best thing to do would be to transfer to another unit where I wouldn’t see Nadine as much. Over time, I didn’t think of her that much and thought that was just a one time occurrence.
Meanwhile, Linda had more health problems and was no longer able to work. She had put on a lot of weight due to medications and inactivity and I didn’t find her very desirable anymore. The sex mostly dried up except for a few times a year. It seemed mostly forced, and Linda didn’t seem like she was enjoying herself.
About 5, years ago, I met a slightly younger woman at work who I will call Kelsey. At first I didn’t think anything out of the ordinary with her, even though she would flirt with me quite a bit. A little over two years ago, she touched my chest, and I looked into Kelsey’s pretty brown eyes and I haven’t been the same since. I have found that we have so much in common and have great chemistry.
We have actually talked that we would likely be dating if I wasn’t married. We rarely have alone time at work, but one time when I did, I told Kelsey in a round about way that I really like her. She has made herself clear that she wouldn’t want to get involved with anyone who is married. One part of me wants to leave Linda for Kelsey. The divorce would be messy for sure. Her family really likes me as if I’m their son. The other side of me wants to start a new life with the 30-40 years that I likely have left.