Do all men really want a younger woman? Learn more here.
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Men staring at every woman – hasn’t this been happening since the beginning of time?
Probably.
But I believe it’s gotten a lot worse. I know I hear female partners complain about it much more now than I did to 15 years ago.
Sometimes, “My husband stares at every woman,” is said in frustration or anger.
At other times, it’s said with an attitude of exasperation and hopelessness.
“Yea, my husband stares at every woman. What am I gonna do? I’ve tried everything to get him to stop.”
This is a tricky behavior to change. Here are a couple of factors why –
It’s a learned behavior, however, so managing it is possible.
No, not all men stare.
But most of the time, most men notice.
Yet there’s a big difference between noticing there are girls in bikinis sitting behind you at the beach and turning your head to stare at them.
Or, repeatedly “glancing” in their direction.
Or, going back to the car for something you “forgot” so you can walk past them (and look some more).
Or, turning your beach chair around so you’re facing your wife to talk to her, but also with the intent of looking over your wife’s shoulder so you can see the girls.
I’m describing a real instance that a patient told me about. Here’s the beginning of the dialogue he had with his wife when they took their kids to the beach a couple of weeks ago.
Wife: “Did you get a good look?”
Husband: “What are you talking about?”
Wife: “You were checking out those teenage girls over there.”
Husband: “What girls?”
Wife: “The half-naked ones behind us.”
Husband: “I wasn’t looking at them.”
Wife: “Yes, you were! You were staring at them!!!”
Ever had a similar kind of exchange with your partner?
A lot of couples have. And for some (like this couple) it happens regularly.
However, not every couple on the beach that day had this conflict. How come?
How come some husbands stare at every woman and some don’t?
I’ll explain the reasons in a moment. But I’ll tell you right now it’s not because they don’t see other women.
We all see them (me too).
The short and quick answer is because it’s enjoyable and he’s reinforced the behavior, so his brain wants to repeat it.
It’s really the same answer for any addictive behavior, whether it’s alcohol abuse, drug use, gaming, gambling, or a very similar one, watching porn.
Men are naturally wired to notice women and find them appealing. If we didn’t most of us guys wouldn’t get around to choosing a partner and procreate, and ultimately the human species would die out.
It’s actually a good thing.
So, if you’re a woman reading this and complain that your husband stares at every woman, you’ve got to remember that at the core of this behavior is a good thing because it’s partly how he ended up choosing to be with you.
The problem with this behavior is that it often doesn’t change once a guy gets into a committed relationship.
This natural behavior needs to be managed and controlled when he has a partner he loves.
Part of the way we show we love her is by stopping behaviors that are disrespectful and unloving.
Unfortunately, many guys don’t realize this or do anything about it.
They still act like they’re in a fraternity drooling over the girls in the sorority house next door.
I married a nice lady two years ago, and soon as I married her, I found myself back staring at other ladies. Mostly blondes. I have tried to stop staring at church, concerts, stores, dr offices but I hoof on one and can't let go. My wife is leaving me she is so upset with my conduct in public places. One lady and I started a too close relationship at church, we hug each other, held each other, and I went out of my way to stare at her. She is married. My wife would cry and beg me to stop. She quit church with everyone talking about us. I even ask a 21 yr old to sit with us at the concert. I refuse to stop staring at her and beg her to come down to sit with us. She refused. My wife left out of the concert upset. I can't stop staring at these ladies butts and faces. I been doing it for years before I met my wife.” -Dino
Dino may sound like an extreme example, but he’s not. His description of his looking behavior at the beginning describes a lot of guys.
There’s one difference, however – most guys who struggling with staring at women aren’t looking for the physical contact like Dino.
Our society doesn’t help us with this behavior either. Sex is everywhere.
The list goes on and on and on.
Visual reinforcement is everywhere and constant.
I’m not making excuses. But it’s hard to be a guy and not let your eyes wander. Yet with the right tools and plan of attack this urge can be managed.
I’ve been noticing my husband flirt with complete strangers while out with me and our son. He stares until the woman he’s staring at makes eye contact and then he smiles at them. When I tell him what I saw he immediately snaps at me by going off and accuses me of not seeing what I saw. He calls me insecure and says I don’t trust him. We can’t talk about it because he denies doing what I saw him do.”-Tamera
Most guys are just looking to look, and to get the pleasure chemicals that comes along with it. However, there are guys like Dino earlier and Tamera’s husband who want more.
The behavior of staring at every woman can morph into getting affirmation from them too. This can come in the form of –
When this is happening there are deeper psychological issues at play than just getting the high of visual stimulation.
Here’s a really important secret – your husband staring at another woman is not about you, or your attractiveness.
It’s probably also driven by a couple of other factors that can vary from man to man.
But he doesn’t do it because of something about you.
7 yrs ago my husband suddenly changed. He started staring down young girls in front of me like he was undressing them.” -Kate
I doubt Kate’s husband “suddenly changed.” Her description suggests that he’d gone his whole life not noticing attractive girls and then one day he does. I don’t believe that’s true. At least not at 40-years-old. That happens around 12.
Does Kate still look like she did when she was 20?
I doubt it. None of us do.
Is she worried that because she doesn’t look 20 anymore her husband is looking at girls who are 20?
Yep.
But I’m sure her husband has noticed attractive 20-year-olds his whole life.
Remember, it’s about him, not you.
The solution to your husband not staring at every younger woman is his learning how to control his behavior.
Maybe there’s also something you can do to improve your appearance. If so, and it’s not Botox or surgery, I’d encourage you to consider it. Not because it will stop his staring at other women, but because we should all care about how we look for our partner.
There are several reasons why some men don’t stare. Here are the most common –
The biggest reason is the last one. And when you struggle at looking, the last one is your only option to change your behavior.
A husband who stares at every woman usually has big problems in his marriage. Those problems may not get talked about, but they’re there (I know. I treat them every day.). So, if you’re struggling with this behavior in yours, please know the following –
If your husband stares at other women then he needs tools and a plan to follow in order to stop. You should expect him to get one and follow it. Feeling respected and loved will follow.
Got a husband who stares at every woman? Please tell other readers what that feels like.
Do all men really want a younger woman? Learn more here.
In most cases a man’s fear of intimacy is really a fear of the unknown. Why?
Most men like and want sex. So, why then do many women believe there’s a fear of intimacy in men?
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How do I learn to accept that this is his problem and not let it affect me? It hurts me. It angers me. It embarrasses me. And in some cases it becomes an ongoing flirtation. We do not have sex because these types of activity fulfill his sexual needs.
Vickie, That's really had to do because it's not a "his problem," it's an "our problem." It's his choices and behavior, but when we're in a relationship those individual actions affect both partners. Just because he won't go to counseling to get help, doesn't mean you can't. I work with women in your shoes individually all the time and teach them how to cope and respond. -Dr. Kurt
Kurt...could you move the comment box to the top of the thread.....please...Please help me. How do I learn to accept this behavior. I'm 68. We've been married 8 years. No sex. He prefers his hand, pictures, and ladies' undies. I'm not unattractive for 68.
Vickie, I sympathise with the troubles and stress your uncaring so-called husband is torturing you with, his extremely uncaring & disrespectful behaviour is just intolerable. I hear you and it’s such a terribly shocking and disrespectful to his wife, way for a husband to behave! My husband has serious staring and flirting issues as well! He denies he’s doing anything of course. Making me out to be crazy, and imagining what he’s doing just about every time we go out in public somewhere. It’s truly appalling, my advice is get a divorce if you can manage to live on your own, and save your sanity. Life is too short to be made miserable by a partner no matter how long you’ve been married! That doesn’t count for much if you’re constantly made to feel bad, sad and angry! In most cases men are the instigators of divorce because they completely neglect their wives. Sad but true! Best wishes & good luck.
Olga
Kurt...could you move the comment box to the top of the thread.....please... Now to my comment. This weekend my husband and I had a face off over this subject..one that brought out the truth of our situation. He primarily views naked women at work on his computer while waiting for programs to run...has a lol of wait time. Since early in our relationship there has been periods of me feeling like he was hiding something that I finally discovered was him buying pictures slides and movies. He has lied about it and gotten caught in the lie and I have expressed how his lying to cover something he wants to do that he knows upsets me very simply destroys any trust I could have in him. Sunday morning he came up with an almost ridiculous reason why he had to run an errand. Knowing him I told him to wait a bit and I'd go with him. It only took him about half an hour to come up with a reason why he had to run to his office. The light bulb went off and I went in and checked his phone and ebay account. 28 pictures...really junk pictures...of women in naked sex poses with auctions up in the next hour. At this point I watched him systematically bid on over $300 in truly poor quality crap. What followed was yet another conversation about lying and trust and why he needed to buy those pictures...he has hundreds plus movies and books... I insisted that he get professional help. He insisted that he doesn't need help and that he will get rid of all of it and I insisted that he won't get rid of it he'll just try to hide it better. I don't trust him because he has demonstrated over and over that if he wants something he will get it and lie to cover it up. At this point I am more sad than mad but mostly I am disappointed and ashamed of this man I really like otherwise. For now no counseling but I know it's just a matter of time until the final show down.
I left my ex for his wandering eye disease and now I'm with another one with the same disease. I am quite tired of hearing any man say that it doesn't mean anything, if it doesn't mean anything, then why do it. Also when they say it doesn't mean anything, it doesn't mean anything to them but men are never required to worry about what it means to their partner? Here's what it means to me.
I've said unknown number of times how badly that it hurts, like badly, I've explained that it means that they are no longer attracted to me, explained that it means they don't respect me, and by proxy do not love me. Plain and simple and not because I have low self-esteem. I'm tired of men's disrespectful behavior, all blaming the woman "insecurity or low self-esteem". Men can't seem to just accept that it's crappy behavior not a problem with the women. Another popular excuse that somehow nobody has challenged. Men say It's natural... so is pooping, so is picking your nose, and pleasuring one's self, and they don't do those natural things in front of me or out in public. Or... it's not you, it's him. I already know it's them. That's the problem. Also since I've done loads of other research of actually hearing what other women say vs how people want women to act, actually makes me wonder why the psychological community keeps requiring women to do the accepting and changing instead of men just not be being jerks. I also find it extremely creepy that it was suggested that we keep up with our appearance for our man. I am quite lucky in the looks department, but super offended by such an archaic thought. You also said a few times about he will notice attractive women, even though thats a very disrespectful sentence to begin with, because what I heard was somebody more beautiful his girlfriend. Those are not the ones I'm necessarily worried about, it's the not as attractive one's that are of concern. And finally yes the fact that my guy looked at me got us together. That is ultimately the hardest part of all when dealing with my man looking at another woman. I asked him once what did you think when you first saw me? He said that he thought I was attractive and then I finally got him to admit that he wanted to "do me". So then I asked how am I supposed to know that you're not thinking that same thing about every girl you look at. How is it supposed to make me feel special that I'm in a relationship and they think the same way about all girls. I refuse to take it anymore. From now on every time he looks at another woman I add more layers and more layers of clothes on at night, stop all sexual behavior. I'm just done. If he wants to look at them he's welcome to but then he's not going to be allowed to look at me.
Take care of yourself first and foremost Fawne. His behaviour is not ok and it’s hurtful to you. These men have no integrity or moral conpass. Sadly I think all men are like this and will never change and it’s a losing battle for women that get older, because there will always be younger more attractive women out there. Best to get on with our lives by ourselves. Once they damage the relationship with porn, ogling or other sexual addiction, it cannot be undone. So best to just move on and focus on you now. Take care x
My older husband has been looking at all kinds of women, to the point of anxiety attacks for me.