Death grip syndrome is a slang term for aggressive masturbation. But excessive masturbation isn’t just measured in frequency.
6 Min Read
Contents
Part 3 of 3
It's very easy to think porn is simply a private activity and doesn't hurt anyone, but this isn’t true. The truth is porn hurts your partner, even if they’re unwilling to admit it or don’t realize it.
One of the things guys just don't consider when they’re looking at porn is how it could be affecting their partners.
Porn isn’t harmless.
One of the most common questions about porn men ask me is -- how can it hurt her when it has nothing to do with her?
That's a good question.
I think the best way to understand the effect porn has and how it hurts our partners is to hear them tell us in their own words. Below are quotes from real women describing how their guy looking at porn has affected them.
Below are quotes from women who’ve contacted Guy Stuff looking for guidance on how to handle their partner’s porn habit.
I'm so mad, hurt, upset, feeling unappreciated and so many others. Every time I look at him I have flashbacks of it and the way he told me he was watching porn and it makes me sick to my stomach." -Janie
Here's one from a man.
My wife recently caught me watching porn (again), and is naturally very upset, especially because we had more than one conversation in the recent past about how awful porn is (which position I do believe, despite this event) and I said I would not do it again. Now, she feels hurt, betrayed, and heartbroken." -Scott
Porn isn’t generally a topic of regular conversation and those who watch it usually feel ashamed about it. This shame leads to porn habits being kept hidden. But hiding doesn’t work forever leaving many partners hurt because of the deception when they find out.
The secrecy in which porn is watched means when men are caught they'll almost always deny and lie about it. If they do admit it, then they’ll typically promise never to do it again, but most often they won't keep that promise.
This repetitive pattern of lying and promise breaking fuels the hurt and anger of partners even more.
Let’s look at some additional ways porn can hurt the partners of those who watch it.
I am hurting so bad. Every few months things would get me down, hardly having sex, him never climaxing from sex, always me making the first move. I have always known he watches porn, I am open minded and did not mind. Once I saw some emails from chat sites, I was really hurt, when I asked he said they were from years ago and dint even know the passwords, he was upset and I believed him, now I'm not so sure. This is because 7 or 8 months later I have realized and found out that he is making up excuses all the time not too have sex, then the minute I'm out the door puts porn on, so basically he is rejecting me and SAVING himself for porn.... Once I let myself acknowledge this it has killed me inside. I want to leave so bad. I feel so ugly, and worthless. All my happiness and hope that I have had (first time in a lot of years) it has all gone! My feelings have took me by surprise, I wasn't aware I would feel so devastated, and feel so negative towards him." -Holly
I've looked at the pictures he had been looking at and I start to think I'm not good enough or that he fantasizes about being with these young, pretty girls that have something my partner wants but I don't have. I have low self-esteem so it's hard for me to think of my partner looking at pictures of other girls. I think that sometimes the reason why he doesn't want to have sex with me when I try and come onto him is because he's already sorted himself out by looking at these photos of young, pretty women. Then I feel like he would prefer to 'sort himself out' by imagining different scenarios that involve these girls he's been looking at rather than having me right in front of him? I can't always help it sometimes, as I was treated badly in the past by ex partners who all led me to believe I was never good enough, pretty enough, special enough for anyone, and I still have that little bit of doubt in my head that I'm not quite good enough." -Tanya
Every one of us has insecurities about how we look, and this is especially true for women. It's hard for men to really truly understand the pressure our culture puts on women about their appearance.
Unfortunately, porn just multiplies these self-doubts as partners compare themselves to the 'perfect' images in porn. This is one of the biggest ways porn hurts partners so much.
Yes, there are still more ways porn hurts partners. I am worried he does not love me, that he looks at porn on his phone, that he desires other women, that he lusts after them and I am just a fill in for his physical needs as who knows where his mind is. I have been patient in hard times but I am very jealous and insecure about what he may do when he is at work or outside smoking while on his phone for 20 minutes at a time. It upsets me, I feel dirty and lost to think he wants others. My anxiety goes through the roof and my heart hurts. I can't seem to let this go and I am tortured daily." -Jo
I just don't understand what it is he doesn't get when I say that I feel deeply hurt when he finds the need to watch porn than to engage sex with me." -Sonia
He has always had a thing for porn, and I'm ok with it to a point. But for the past couple of years he has spent more and more time with it. He especially enjoys the cam sites, he enjoys them so much that he had forgotten my last birthday 3 days past but had spent all those days on the cam site. I was hurt but then again I have grown to just expect it from him. I have tried to be involved with him as far as the porn goes, but he didn't seem to get enjoyment from me watching it with him. Our sex life is good it was great in the beginning, but after awhile it has got me feeling self conscious and I know that it has to show." -Natasha
None of the men I've counseled about porn addiction have intended to reject, disrespect, or not love their partners. But regardless of their intent, this is a common effect of porn and one of the most painful for partners.
Porn isn’t the victimless indulgence that most men believe it to be. As evidenced above, it’s clear that porn truly has a detrimental impact on the partner of someone who becomes attached or addicted to it.
If you watch porn even on what you consider to be a limited basis, keep the following in mind:
I hope you can now begin to see how porn hurts partners.
As impactful as these real-life stories can be, reading them may not be enough to get someone to stop. The pull if porn can just too powerful to overcome that easily.
It should be noted that, although it’s generally men who watch porn, women can and do watch it as well. And in these cases, male partners may end up feeling just as hurt as female partners do.
However, I hope this series of articles about the dangers of porn can at least begin to change how you think about it, especially how porn hurts your partner.
This is the last of a 3-part series about looking at porn's impact. Be sure to learn more by reading the first 2 articles that give help for a porn addiction and look at if porn is bad for the guys who view it.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published February 11, 2016, and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Death grip syndrome is a slang term for aggressive masturbation. But excessive masturbation isn’t just measured in frequency.
Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
Wondering if Porn Is Cheating? Find out what psychology experts say about whether Porn Is Cheating.
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I have been reading each of these comments in disbelieve. I have felt so alone, isolated, crazy, scared, basically EVERY emotion described above and to realize I am NOT crazy or alone in this is a whirlwind of emotions. I wish I had a way of truly talking with someone in or has gone through a similar situation. I have 2 young children with one on the way. We have been together 8 years with the first 6 straight out of a fairytale. Then "the feeling" hit and never went away. I have never snooped and have been trusting of everything he said and did. But once I questioned him the first time everything changed! I have never been so confused in my life. Nothing makes sense now, and the way he treats me, things he does and says is a person I don't even know! I too have gone from independent to dependent, outgoing to antisocial, confident to zero self esteem and it doesn't matter if I do exactly what he asks or wants it's never enough and I'm the problem. He rejects me daily in many ways and for may reasons and it's killing me inside. I have happened upon his porn sites, been rejected only to have him take care of himself as soon as I leave the room, I hear him chatting constantly with other women, and he has even "secretly" used his phone while being intimate with me yet I can't be upset about any of it. He denies it or gets extremely angry screaming at me etc. He has literally lost all empathy and is as cold as ice when it come to me and or my feelings. We are fine as long as I don't say a single word. I don't understand ANY of this! How is it possible he has been able to turn everyone (including my family) against me? I am so hurt and so incredibly frustrated but I literally haven't a soul to talk to. I want to leave but don't see how it's even an option. There is so much to my complicated, deeply twisted, painful experience there's no way to explain it all here. But I wanted to thank everyone for sharing theirs (I'm doing the best I can despite feeling so overwhelmed) Reading others and knowing I'm not alone allows for some much needed hope in my life! Good luck to everyone as well this is a tricky and lonely situation we find ourselves in.
My marriage is just a year and three months. I had my child four months ago and since then our marriage has been rocky. I noticed after we got married, he apologized and promised to change. I was actually interested in watching with him but it was a no from him. Two days ago, confronted my husband about porn Coz I saw it on his phone and caught him watching and masturbating to it and he told me that he enjoys watching porn and enjoys having sex with me too. We have not been talking for three days and he had not been coming home. Besides he previously told me he does not love me anymore and I should do my worst. What do I do pls so painful to see my marriage coming to an end at such a short period.
Dammy, I am sorry to hear about your troubles. Porn can cause many problems within a relationship. There can be underlying issues that go along with it. Without knowing more it is difficult for me to offer specific advice. The fact that you want to save your marriage is a good sign though. It may be time to consider professional counseling for you both. -Dr. Kurt
I feel for those on the site. My story similar but initially I watched too not thinking much of it. But as time went on I am finding "signs" craigslist on his phone look ups and I recorded him moaning with a woman on computer. He masterbates with it I guess, I get sick I have anxiety I have lost weight I feel I am klosing my mind because it preoccupies me. We fight constantly and then we have the best sex. But I feel like trash, such a fine line between fantasy and love I am so confused. I feel he is cheating on me somehow and some of the things I have heard make me feel I am sure he is but I have not seen it with my eyes. In the meantime I wish I never opened up to him because he took my heart and soul. He yells at me constantly but I know he when he complains he was tired he was up all nite with himself and the computer. I am devastated I am so devastated.
For those on this site I just want to say I extremely hurt my wife when she caught me looking at porn.After many tearful discussions I have come to the realization I have not only hurt my family but also the families of young ladies that I looked at. Saying this I have fed the pornography industry that exploited these women and young girls that I was watching.I have stopped and will never ever look again. It is a promise I have made to her and will not break. Please stop feeding the industry that is harming all involved. It leads to sex trafficking,drug addiction,alcoholism,and suicide.These are to high prices to pay to get some temporary satisfaction.Please stop I have lost my wife's trust and maybe ultimately my marriage.So stop now before it is to late for others reading this comment.
Ok listen, this is very simple… there is nothing wrong with masterbation… there is nothing wrong with porn.. in fact theres very little wrong w almost anything, given that its not illegal of course, IF DONE IN MODERATION. To the women that think its wrong, get real… get creative and take your *parts* and flaunt them all over your man; i assure you he’ll jump all over you.. you have to show some excitement, some passion, and some *cough*parts… men are very simple creatures, we are tired of always being expected to do the same old thing for ever… would it be so hard to actually tell us what you think and how you feel, instead of hinting at whats upsetting you? Men only want two things, they want sex, and they want food… so make him dinner and solve for sex.. THEN, dont assume anything—be direct, have a conversation… dont be afraid to tell us what you want or need.. this is how my wife left me.. scratching my head going, what did i do? why? These problems are not one sided, they are multifaceted issues stemming from social media, hype from tv, and political agendas. At the end of the day, a relationship is between just two people! If those two people stop communicating or decide to put the blame on any one of a million silly reasons, they simlly need to look in the mirror to find the problem.
Of course too much of anything is bad! Duh.. but worse than addiction, worse than porn, worse than a loveless marriage, is a spouse who wont be brutally honest and direct with communication and expectations. Just because you’ve been together a long time does not mean you can read each others minds.. so stop manipulating, stop lying to yourself, and others.. if you cant be honest about your life w your spouse, the. What’s the point of being married? How about try watching some porn TOGETHER, or maybe use your phone and MAKE one w your partner, see how easy it is to find middleground? You cannot expect your partner to stop masterbating.. thats an ubsure request. no he wont go blind.. Stop listening to these fake know-it-alls, and just be real. Only genuine honesty will make your marriage last. These counselors are the biggest manipulators on the planet, trying to talk you into various treatments, to spend more money, to follow their plan… look nobody has a one size fits all anseer to kife, ok? So stop looking for one, and counselors, stop trying to sort every individual into a box.. we dont all fit in the box. Some of do, but i think its only because you manipulated them into believing so.. judge me as you will, i do not answer to you, nor any man. The only person i answer to is myself.. and im tired of the way society fingers out the faults and slaps it on the man. Its the modern western woman who has changed, the fault is equally shared among us all.. for we allowed it to happen.. the magnetic polarity of masculine and feminine is disappearing. So what will hold us together now? The psychobabble of some counselor? Or the harsh truth that is real? Men take your position as man serious, and women; step back into line before we are forced to put you back in line. THATS how society works, like it or not; hate me for sayin it.. its a truth that cant be denied. Its what men and women need to hear.. not what they want to hear! And i say that w all the love in this world.
Would it bother you if your wife/gf looked at other men to get off to?