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One of the biggest obstacles for any alcoholic husband is coming to terms with the label "alcoholic."
Nearly all the people I've treated for problem drinking have struggled to apply this term to themselves. Sadly, this one word prevents a lot of people from getting the help they really need.
Many men think that because they –
that their drinking isn’t a problem.
They assume that being able to function on a daily basis means they’re managing their alcohol consumption just fine.
What most alcoholic husbands don’t realize is that functional alcoholism is a real thing and still a problem. Yet because they’re “functional,” it gets overlooked or accepted more often than it should. Much more often.
If you think you may have an alcoholic husband then you probably know exactly what I am talking about.
Notice above I didn't say I've treated alcoholics, nor people for alcoholism, but rather for problem drinking.
That's the bottom line. It really doesn't matter whether or not (most likely not) your husband is willing to call himself an alcoholic, what matters is that he'll acknowledge that his drinking causes problems.
Getting to that admission though is typically usually still a journey.
The Mayo Clinic defines an alcoholic as a person who struggles with alcoholism, which they explain –
Alcoholism is a chronic and often progressive disease that includes problems controlling your drinking, being preoccupied with alcohol, continuing to use alcohol even when it causes problems, having to drink more to get the same effect (physical dependence), or having withdrawal symptoms when you rapidly decrease or stop drinking.
One of the most important characteristics of the above definition of alcoholism is there are patterns.
Identifying patterns and pointing them out is the best way to get a husband who's an alcoholic to acknowledge he has a drinking problem.
This won’t be easy though, as he’s likely to be resistant to owning up to his bad behavior. But it’s a good place to start.
To do this you'll first need to understand how to recognize problem drinking patterns.
Using the Mayo Clinic definition of alcoholism, recognizing the patterns of problem drinking begins by,
Here's some other ways it can look from the real life stories of alcoholic husbands I've counseled:
Each of these guys is an alcoholic husband. For each one there are also patterns to their drinking.
Sometimes the pattern only happens a couple of times a year, like with Russell. Other times, such as in Charles' case, it's more regular, although not every time he drinks. And then sometimes the pattern is new, like what's just started to happen with Derek.
Although each guy's drinking looks different, there are destructive patterns to it, and yet each one has had a really hard time being sure enough to call themselves an "alcoholic."
Getting anyone to see and admit to their own destructive behavior is tough. All drinkers - especially men - want to believe they’re in complete control of what they’re doing and can “stop anytime.”
Alcoholism can also be particularly difficult for people to admit to because it’s so glorified in the media and accepted in social settings. In fact, in many circumstances drinking has almost a competitive, sport-like quality to it.
And since almost everyone drinks, getting someone to see their drinking as a problem can be very difficult.
Nonetheless, alcohol is more commonly abused than any other substance and can create big problems in a person’s life and relationships.
So, here's what to do to get an alcoholic husband to begin to admit it:
Read back through this article again and notice how I did each one of the bullets above as I talked about Russell, Charles, and Derek.
If you’d like your alcoholic husband to admit there’s a problem try do the same things over a stretch of time –
Don’t:
And, most importantly, ignore it if he does any of these to you. I know easier said than done, but it's doable and necessary to keep the focus on his drinking.
Getting defensive and denying is the typical addiction response. Just calmly state the facts and then walk away if he’s not willing to have a respectful and productive conversation.
Know that an alcoholic husband won’t change overnight.
Breaking bad habits takes time, especially drinking. So, exercise some patience and know that he’ll need reminders from you many times.
It may take other people saying it to him too.
Sometimes it requires a professional men's counselor like myself to explain it to him for it to finally sink in.
But if you've really got a husband who's an alcoholic you probably already know how hard it is for him to admit it.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published May 19, 2015 updated January 14, 2020, and has been updated again for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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Not every talk should be a special event which has to be rehearsed in advance and prepared for. It is still going to be an ordinary exchange between the two of you, almost like it used to be. Why almost? Because now there is the alcoholic problem that has become entangled in each aspect of your loved one’s reality and it is going to play a role in the way you communicate with each other. It includes not only the words said but also the entire set of nonverbal signs (e.g. avoiding looking in the eyes or nail biting). You do not have to analyze everything, do not make a big case out of the sheer fact of talking together, but be prepared for running into some walls on your path of reasoning.
Helping an alcoholic loved one or friend to get help is never easy, particularly when he or she refuses to accept that the problem even exists. However, there are many ways that you can help this person without actually enabling him or her. Not every talk should be a special event which has to be rehearsed in advance and prepared for. It is still going to be an ordinary exchange between the two of you, almost like it used to be. Why almost? Because now there is the alcoholic problem that has become entangled in each aspect of your loved one’s reality and it is going to play a role in the way you communicate with each other. It includes not only the words said but also the entire set of nonverbal signs (e.g. avoiding looking in the eyes or nail biting). You do not have to analyze everything, do not make a big case out of the sheer fact of talking together, but be prepared for running into some walls on your path of reasoning.
I typed "my husband denies he's an alcoholic" and found this site. We are high school sweethearts and have been together since I was 16 (that was 40 years ago!). Anyway, since he started his own house framing company in 1998, he started drinking beer after work. In high school, he was a week-end beer partier, very hard-working farmer and is quite an amazing man. But, when the stresses of his own company hit, we had 3 children (age 2 months, 2 and 4). We now have 4 children (26,24,22 and 20). It started small - a few beers after work. Maybe drink enough to get drunk on Saturday. He now drinks 15 or more beers/night and has done this for the last 10 years.
His joke is that he dries out on Sundays 'in order to get a little blood in his alcohol system.' I love most of our life and him and our children and our home. He's an amazing provider. HOWEVER, I miss the man I dated in high school and the man I married. He just doesn't understand or maybe doesn't care (which is unusual because his #1 virtue is his unselfishness) that I miss him - that the kids only saw him sober for an hour or so each night - that the boys (2) didn't get to hear much fatherly advice from him. He's never been abusive as a drunk - just a sleepy/silly/goofy person, who is hard to respect if you need advice or if you need a husband weighing in on a rebellious teenager or sibling rivalry or their career advice. I've born this responsibility alone. Of course there is no attraction to a sloppy drunk and so, I've lost that feeling for him. He thinks that's not fair that I'm not as sexually exited as he is. He's very over the top in that area. Coming home, he greets me with groping and after all these years, still doesn't understand how that repulses me - given that I know what he will become before the evening is over. So I finally bought a breathalyzer. He won't tell me how much he drinks, but he does purchase at least 2-3 cases of beer weekly. Like I said, he's a great person and respects my role as his financial, spiritual, family partner, so he goes along with my "silliness" and breathes in to the unit for me). His readings at night have been: .23, .25, .24, etc. Then, I started doing am readings, while he was in bed: .08, .077, .117. And I follow the instructions (20 minutes after last food/drink). He's had liver tests done and no problems. It's so sad to see him waste the best parts of his life to this addiction. Of course he says he's not an alcoholic - or has a drinking problem. My oldest child, daughter, now has a drinking problem - so sad. I guess, why I'm posting is two-fold: 1) Can anyone give me a medical/scientific article (I can't find this specific type on the internet) that will explain how dangerous it is to have BACs this high (pm and am)? and 2) What could I possibly do to get him to try. He loves to kid me and say "woman (my pet name from him), when I'm gone, you can find that perfect man that won't grope you." He shouldn't be talking about an early death, when he could do something about it. He recently has been diagnosed with high blood pressure (and the cardiologist says more than 6/day is very bad for his BP). He used to be the picture of physically fit - strong Wisconsin farm boy. I wish I could find something/someone, anything that could snap him out of this sleep/spell he's in. He even said that he drinks because of the stress of his job, but then I went back to work and carry the bulk of the load, but he still wants to drink. Sad to hear all of your stories.
Ruth, You need to start focusing on changing yourself rather than changing him. "What could I possibly do to get him to try?" You can influence him, but you can't make him. Changing your approach and yourself will have the most influence. -Dr. Kurt
Dr. Smith, thank you for your advice. What is one particular thing you would change that you think would get my husband to see he needs to change? If it is not taking his BAC anymore, that's easy, since I just needed to show him how deep the problem is. Other than that? I'm sure you have had situations like this that you could glean one successful strategy from. Anything you might suggest would be appreciated.
Ruth, I'm sorry but because I don't know your husband at all I don't know what would motivate him (that's why I suggested you would know better). Once I've done an assessment of someone I then have some ideas. -Dr. Kurt
Thanks for your site.
Ruth, You're welcome. Glad it's helpful. -Dr. Kurt
My husband and I are high school sweethearts and am experiencing many similarities as the stories above. I can admit when we were younger my husband would drink and I would respond with so much anger both verbally and physically that now looking back I’m so embarrassed on my actions. He has did many things that drove my actions but my job is not to focus on him but to focus on and become a better me. After a long weekend of drinking 2 weeks ago my husband left our home and has not returned he says that I am mean I have a constant attitude and that I look at him in disgust. Which is not hard to do when he is constantly drinking, spewing his anger at me and the kids or repeatedly asking the same questions over and over to the point my children and myself become annoyed. I love my husband but I am beginning to realize I cannot fight this battle for him! I just don’t know what else to do it’s a heartbreaking and lonely feeling to be in the place that I am in especially around the holidays
Michelle, You've got a couple of things right - "my job is not to focus on him but to focus on and become a better me" and "I cannot fight this battle for him!" It's painful to be alone at any time, but you're right that it's especially hard around the holidays. You sound like you're ready to do things differently and for things to change, so don't let your pain deter you from making change happen. If you do, next holiday season could look really different. That's something for you and your kids to really look forward to. Best wishes. -Dr. Kurt
My husband got his second dui in ten years. He had to go to a virtual rehab center and lost his license for a year with an interlocked put on after he gets his license back. He is still heavily drinking. He doesn't think he has a problem because he runs a successful business that makes a lot of money. He gets verbally abusive to me and says horrible things about my family when he drinks. He doesn't stop till he basically passes out. How do you get someone to realize they have an issue when they won't admit it to themselves?