Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
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Contents
Menopause is so commonly associated with women that any suggestion that men can go through it as well must be a joke, right?
Wrong.
Male menopause symptoms are real though.
Before we go any further, let’s be clear for those who will challenge this – the term menopause when applied to men is actually a misnomer. Menopause refers to the cessation of menstruation in women. And since men don’t menstruate, they don’t experience biological menopause.
However, men do go through similar age-related changes around the same time women experience menopause. Hence the name and reference to menopause symptoms in men.
Most articles on symptoms of male menopause focus on the physiological signs like,
What are equally or often even more important are the psychological and behavioral signs.
Most people don’t realize there’s a problem with the man in their life until extreme behavior arises, such as –
Behaviors that often are labeled a male midlife crisis can be brought on by male menopause.
Many male menopause symptoms are simply the normal signs of aging. While they can be challenging to accept, they don't have to be huge problems. What typically makes them become a big problem is how a man responds to these changes.
Male menopause, which is clinically known as andropause, is the result of lower testosterone production that occurs in men typically between the ages of 40 and 55. This results in a life stage transition similar to menopause in women, and encompasses,
I’ve heard the partners of men experiencing this hormone change say things like,
One woman even said her husband seemed "downright bitchy.”
A critical symptom, as well as result of these changes, is a depression element in men that fuels the chaotic behavior that can accompany this life change.
Common symptoms of male menopause include:
I believe my husband of 25 years is going through a midlife crisis. He has filed for divorce. He came home one day and said he's not happy and hasn't been for several years. This was a shock to me, I thought everything was fine. He has been moved out for 4 months, he won't talk about our marriage or our past, he gets mad if I bring it up. I ask him how can you erase the 25 years we had, and he shuts me out. He said he needs to find happiness and peace within himself. He is 54 years old and I believe his childhood has a lot to do with this. How am I supposed to go on with life without the man I love so much? My heart is broken! Why does the wife, the one that has always been there to support, comfort and love him dearly get the blame for this? Please help me to understand!!" -Lily
Lily is right – it does sound like her husband is going through a midlife crisis.
However, it's also very likely that male menopause was one of the triggers for it.
While there are testosterone replacement treatments and antidepressants that could help, they don’t usually fully address the psychological and behavioral responses to this aging process that can be so destructive.
Remember, this is a normal course of aging. Most women and other men get through it without such severe reactions.
The hardest part of male menopause is the confusing, chaotic, and extreme symptoms.
So much of the psychological and behavioral reactions to it like,
Just further complicate and amplify the experience for everyone involved. It's not uncommon for there to be so many different symptoms that it's hard to know what the real problem is and what to address first.
Here are 2 more real-life examples:
I've read your blog on midlife transitions and crisis and believe this is what is occurring with my husband for the past 3+ years - we've experience much pain an affair with a coworker 13 years younger, the waffling back and forth to her and our marriage and family, the ILYBNILWY ("I love you but not IN love with you"), blaming the moving and returning, confusion, frustration, secretive, desire to be happy, and now depression with confusion and I'm not one to say our marriage life was perfect prior. We both had much maturing to do and I have done a lot of self reflecting of my own. I think I've done much wrong in my reactions and trying to get a better grasp of were to go from here..setting clear boundaries and detachment. He's in individual therapy and antidepressants but is frustrated and not sure if he likes his therapist and continues to say he just wants to be happy." -Vivian
Vivian's husband has a lot of classic male menopause symptoms:
Ironically, it's not just the man who feels this way. It’s equally as likely that his partner feels similarly as they go through it with him.
I am pretty sure my husband is going through midlife crisis cause he is either always saying he hates his job and accuses me of cheating, he gets angry a lot, freaks out a lot, makes me cry at times, but I don't know how else to help him. I give him space by me going out to bingo two sometime 3 times a week and when I do go he gets pissed off that I am not at home with him. Its like he wants his space but wants me there at same time." -Luna
Most men have become accustomed to wading through a woman’s hormonal waves and the changing behavior that can result. From PMS to pregnancy to menopause, men are aware that a woman’s mood and behavior can be affected by her biology at different times.
Women, on the other hand, haven’t really been taught to recognize the equivalent in men. So, when a man goes through changes that are the result of fluctuating hormones and aging, many women don’t have any idea how to handle it.
What does that mean?
Most often what it means is big problems in a relationship.
When behavior is unexpected, unwanted, and unexplained, alarm bells go off. That can be a good thing if it means help is sought and attained.
Unfortunately, the more typical reaction is for women to assume,
Male menopause doesn’t go away in the sense that it reverses itself or that the symptoms just disappear.
Because it’s caused by age related changes in hormones, the symptoms of male menopause will persist, although the intensity in which they’re experienced should lessen. Just like menopause experienced by women, however, there are ways to manage the symptoms and lessen the negative effects.
Are all common and easy(ish) ways to control the effects.
Some men also take supplemental testosterone, but that must be done under a physician’s care because there can be serious complications if not done correctly.
Perhaps more effective than taking hormones is seeking the support of a counselor who specializes in men and can provide tools for managing symptoms that will be effective long-term.
Understanding the changes a man can experience during male menopause can help both a man and his partner handle things more effectively.
If you’re noticing changes in your husband and wondering what’s going on, there are a few things to keep in mind.
Ladies, as much as you want and expect your man to understand you, he really wants (and needs) the same from you.
It’s clear that male menopause symptoms are real, varied, and can be hard to deal with. And it's certainly no joke.
This normal life stage can trigger a search for happiness, peace, and purpose in men that often has been repressed for a long time. The good news is that it's fixable. Although it usually requires professional help from someone who's been down this road before.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published April 27, 2021 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
One of the hardest parts of a midlife crisis is being the partner of the man in one.
Think a man in your life it going through a mid-life crisis? Learn the signs here.
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Help needed
I don't believe men go through manopause. I think it's just an excuse for bad behavior. My husband has been acting out with the utmost disrespect for me being very emotionally abusive and cruel for 7 yrs and the end of last year he was tested and all his testosterone and everything else was fine including genetic testing. After 7 yrs I am so battered and broken inside with wounds so open and deep I feel the only way out of this is divorce which is killing me inside knowing my 3 kids are going to suffer. I am baffled and I am sure I will never know why my husband after 22 yrs of marriage decided to destroy all our lives and hurt not just me but his children. So after 29 yrs of marriage if anyone knows why I shouldn't divorce this emotionally abusive man who has shown every sign of cheating and treating me like a piece of garbage in the street because he is definitely going through manopause that his tests shown no signs of please tell me. Because I think it's just a mental thing with men as a way to behave badly and do what they want to make themselves feel good while they destroy the lives of their wives and kids. -Donna
Donna, I really feel for you and it's something I'm also going through at the moment. Firstly, why should anyone have to put up with this kind of abuse. After seven years, I'm not sure that your situation will change, unless you both go to a marriage councillor, and both want to save the marriage. If that is to no avail, why stay together. ' What you allow, will continue.' Be strong and follow your heart, and never forget; no one has the right to treat someone in this manner!
I wish you well, and hope all ends well, Rob.
I think this may be what my husband is going through. He started to change his interests- music, drinking, had an affair. He attributes his internal disatisfaction to our relationship, although never discussed said unhappiness during the 20+ yr. marriage. (Not saying things were perfect, this just seems magnified). He is unwilling to do the work to look deep to see if the cause of his unhappiness may be something other than his partner). Sadly, divorce pending. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. Really loved this man. Now I mostly feel numb.
Unlike women, men do not experience period called menopause. so some doctors think the problem is male menopause as a decline in androgens (testosterone) that experienced by men in old age. But keep in mind that the decrease in the hormone testosterone is not just caused by old age, but can also be caused by several diseases. Testosterone deficiency is an endocrine condition that causes changes in a man’s metabolism with short and long-term effects in many different organs and systems.
If testosterone low levels, insulin therapy can relieve symptoms decrease sex lust, depression and fatigue. but keep in mind that hormone replacement therapy also has side effects, such as prostate cancer. Even though many guys swear by the name of saw palmetto as a testosterone booster, it works but it doesn’t work through the “correct” pathways. A more secure way is to change lifestyle, running a particular diet or use other drugs such as antidepressants to help overcome the symptoms of male menopause. so for more details, consult this issue with your doctor.
Source: Male Menopause (Andropause)
My husband walked out suddenly 4 years ago and the fact he was unhappy came as a complete shock. A year earlier we'd had a row when he angrily demanded to know what was wrong with me and I told him he had changed. He'd become very withdrawn, uptight, uncommunicative, sullen, angry, critical, silent and very stressed but we'd been married 26 years so I thought it would all work out if I just got on with things - he had no desire to talk or hang out with me. He also showed signs of depression/anxiety including chewing away the skin from one side of his thumb. A year earlier he felt he had no choice but to resign from his job because he was bullied by his boss and felt that all his dreams had died with that loss. He'd received a severance package and didn't work again in that period. I thought the difficult bit to navigate was when he was still at work and didnt realise that he was suffering so much afterwards but he'd just sit on the sofa looking thunderous but claiming he was fine. I did all the wrong things, thinking I was helping. He lost a lot of weight and felt good, bought younger clothes and was also always cycling and still is constantly counting calories. Our children were at the stage of leaving home and finding their feet in the world and I think it all looked more attractive to him than his life. That same year my brother died unexpectedly and my husband also had a life threatening health scare and was subjected to a hospital stay and under general anaesthetic 3 times in about 4 weeks at which point I noticed the change in his attitude towards me; the house flooded and we had to move out for a week at Christmas; we had a depressive and homeless friend to stay rent free for about 4 months which turned out to be very difficult. We married when he was 21 and I suspect I was his first girlfriend. We have been apart ever since he announced that he didn't love me any more, and now I have found out he has a girlfriend. He is running around London with her like a 20 year old. He said he wasn't interested in anyone and I thought we were going to go to counselling. He'd agreed to one session. He even got a red sports car for my daughter which he drives He was always a brilliant husband before this and adored me and the children. Now I don't think he gives me a second thought if he can help it as it is stressful and makes him very anxious. He behaves as if I am his mum trying to spoil his fun. I don't feel like he thinks there is any love left for me although I am sure that he loves me deep down, and I have been unable to work through this because so much damage was done with the assertion that he didn't love me that I was paralysed and possibly had a breakdown myself. When we tried to talk he seemed to be rewriting history and would make weird accusations but couldn't give examples. Weirdly it seems easier to communicate now he has a girlfriend. He has been very dishonest and disrespectful about admitting her existence, preferring to keep his options open and avoid any confrontation until now and sadly the children have lost respect for him. He clearly smokes but lies about it?! Why bother?. He has become so selfish and says this relationship isn't serious although I think she believes it is. Suddenly he has realised what he has lost now the youngest child is having problems he's not privy to. I barely recognise this man and yet I find it hard to imagine living the rest of my life without him - do you see any chance of reconciliation? We have agreed to speak once a week so have to hope that goes ok. Is this hopeless given that 4 years have passed? He seems to meet every criteria for someone to suffer a painful midlife crisis, but only now am I seeing that I might have had some part in this situation arising. I had been depressed and he thought it was his failing that I wasn't 'happy'. Please give me some advice Dr Kurt.
Hi Molly, I believe there's always hope, but we also have to be realistic too. As you know you guys have a lot to work through and many changes to make. It's good to hear that you've agreed to talk weekly. That's a start. Hopefully at some point he'll be willing to talk with a professional counselor and start to address what's really going on on the inside. -Dr. Kurt