What should I do if I think I Am Falling Out Of Love? Learn what it takes to stop Falling Out Of Love, feel in-love again and have a happy relationship.
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I never know what I’m going to get when someone comes for counseling. I’ve heard a lot over my 20+ years so I’m not usually shocked. But I wasn’t expecting it when Sean started out by saying, “I hate my wife, and I hate my life.”
Typically, it takes a little while to get people to open up and tell me why they’ve really come to counseling. Often, it’s something like, “I’m having an affair” or “He drinks too much.”
Sometimes I get, “We’re great, except for this one thing.”
And occasionally – as with Sean - it’s something all-encompassing like, “I hate my wife, I hate my life.”
Where do you go from there?
That’s everything.
I told Sean,
“Man, you just made me depressed! Do you feel depressed too?”
“I don’t know. I guess.”
Sadly, Sean’s not alone.
When you’re unhappy with your romantic life, it can bleed into every other part of your life, leaving you feeling unhappy with your whole life.
Unhappiness is different from hate though. Hate is a really strong word to use.
People can say, “I hate you,” in the heat of the moment, but to feel that level of dislike for your partner consistently is a whole other thing.
So, hating your wife and hating your life is pretty overwhelming.
When a husband feels he hates his wife, that hate can become all-consuming, making it hard to focus on anything else. Unfortunately, this myopic focus only intensifies the feelings of hate, creating a vicious cycle.
That cycle causes:
As this negative feedback loop persists you can go back and forth between thoughts about hating her and feelings of hate – one feeding and whipping up the other in increasing intensity.
You can find yourself plagued with questions.
And every transgression, irritating action, nagging statement from her gets replayed over and over again justifying and strengthening the feelings of hate.
You might even try to analyze her intentions, motivations, or the causes for her behavior,
Maybe she’s this way because,
Comparing your wife to other wives, and your marriage to other marriages is common.
“Why can’t I have a wife like (Ella, Jill, whoever)."
Some men look inward for explanations as well.
Unaddressed, these feeling can be a trigger for a midlife crisis as well, just makes problems worse.
So, if you feel like you hate your wife and life are there any positives?
Nope.
That doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid, but it does mean you need to change how you’re handling them. Now.
I’m married for 21 years, got 3 beautiful kids, nice home and well off. My wife has never been happy, can never find a nice or positive thing to say. She does not work, she takes my daughter to school, the two boys have cars now. She has called me everything bad and horrible under the sun, tears me to shreds verbally, and has hit me and kicked me for years until one day 4 years back I said if you do that again I will hit back and I did. She never hit me again. She does not have to do house work or anything as we have help in house and garden. She is meant to make me meals and that seldom happens and when it does its disgusting and overcooked. She just leaves dishes and food out after diner and the food spoils by morning. She is meant to keep the home and make it nice, she doesn't. I have this feeling of resentment and disdain for her as she is so f-ing lazy. My older son says he doesn't know how I take it. I love my family and don't want a divorce but fear I am starting to hate my wife because she is so lame, negative and abusive and just never grateful. I’ve stayed because I don't want to break my daughters heart and be away from her.” -Jerry
Many husbands who hate their wives feel stuck, like Jerry.
They stay because of the kids, convenience, lifestyle, or money.
Rather than change anything (there are options other than divorce), they suck it up (or stuff it away) and stay.
Which leads to not only hating your wife but also hating your life.
Hating your life and hating your wife aren’t always linked.
It’s possible to hate your wife, but still love your job, kids, or golf.
Hating your life means there’s nothing that you can point to that brings you happiness.
Saying you “hate your life,” is often an over-statement. Most people, despite being unhappy, can find the odd corners of life that they still enjoy. Those things are just overshadowed by everything else.
A guy I’m counseling said this week –
I don’t wake up happy. I don’t go to bed happy. I wake up stressed. I go to bed stressed.”
Another guy told me –
I’m in another state working. I’m going from site to site doing the same evaluation over and over again. It’s boring as hell. And while I’m gone my wife is at it again, accusing me of cheating, just like she does every time I leave town. My daughter’s school called yesterday and says they think she’s distributing drugs and needs to be drug tested. My son is out of control and my wife gives back every punishment I give him. I hate her for all of it. I hate my life at home and hate it at work.” -Armando
When you hate your wife and life you really are in a mental prison.
While the reasons for hating are real, the prison is one of our own making.
The truth is that we control our feelings – other people or our circumstances do not. Learning how to manage our feelings is a crucial life skill for everyday life, but especially for times like this.
How can you escape the hate prison?
Control your feelings rather than letting your feelings control you. A professional counselor can teach you how to do this.
It’s not just husbands who are negatively impacted either.
I've been married for 32yrs. My marriage is I think over. My husband hates me. We still live together. He's always been verbally abusive. I got tired and left the bedroom for good. I know he's not cheating, except maybe on the weekends where he’s not here all day. Is it possible for a person to love and hate you at the same time?” -Sue
Yes, it’s very possible that your husband both loves and hates you.
Most men who hate their wife and their life are confused. Not only about what to do and what they want, but also about how they really feel.
They need help sorting it all out, but sadly most won’t get it.
So, if you hate your and hate your life, what should you do?
Start with the following to get yourself started:
Most people run away from things they don’t like, and that’s the most common response when men hate their wife and hate their life . But avoidance isn’t a solution and won’t make things better. Don’t make running away your response.
Do you hate your wife? Hate your life? Please share why so other readers can give you feedback and support.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published September 22, 2022, and has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
What should I do if I think I Am Falling Out Of Love? Learn what it takes to stop Falling Out Of Love, feel in-love again and have a happy relationship.
You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
Many husbands (and wives) are not "in love" with their partners any longer.
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I am 58, married 36 years, been together 40. She is a great person but I cannot stand her. We fight and make up constantly. Our sex life is a joke. Neither of us are cheating but I am sick of my life. I have 2 adult daughters, 2 granddaughters and 2 awesome chihuahuas...they are the reason I have not left her. She is underpaid, undervalued, & overworked...she works from home. I am in IT at a ski resort so I work weekends & holidays, but I am well paid. I cannot stand her negativity...her goto is "I didn't say anything"!...LOL the body language says different...I AM DONE...I really wanted her to be my soulmate...so be it. I am miserable as hell...