Guilt can be a positive emotion, but it's also often used as a tool to control or manipulate.
We’ve all been told at one time or another “you’re crazy,” “you didn’t do that” or “I didn’t say that.” It can be a strange feeling to believe you did something or heard someone say something and then be told, no, you didn’t. Once and a while is normal. When it becomes something you hear frequently and from the same person, you could be a victim of gaslighting abuse and not realize it.
Gaslighting abuse is defined in the Urban dictionary as, “A form of intimidation or psychological abuse, sometimes called Ambient Abuse where false information is presented to the victim, making them doubt their own,perception and quite often, their sanity.”
Dealing with abusive gaslighting can be very difficult as it’s truly insidious and the ultimate in manipulation, so it can be hard to recognize, especially because someone we trust usually does it to us.
Gaslighting abuse isn’t a new phenomenon, although many of us have never heard of it. The term “gaslight” comes from a 1944 film, Gaslight, and is a psychological thriller where a man is psychologically abusive to his wife to gain her inheritance by, along with verbal lies and manipulation, slowly and continually dimming their gas lights but telling her she is imagining it. He even convinced the housekeeper to play along.
More recently, the Manson Family used gaslighting tactics when they were practicing “helter-skelter” by moving people’s belongings in their homes. In pop culture, even the Brady Bunch gaslighted Bobby (with the best of intentions) in the episode, “Big Little Man” where he was hanging from the jungle gym to try and stretch taller and all of his siblings moved his marker down the wall to make it appear it was working.
What’s the purpose of gaslighting abuse? It’s to gain a psychological advantage over another person, to control another person, or even to hide something. It doesn’t have to involve theft like in the movie, or lead to murder like with the Manson’s, but gaslighting is the ultimate in deception (like with the Brady kids) to make someone doubt themselves and believe an alternate reality.
Abuse like gaslighting can be used to cover something up, like a spouse who's cheating or has an addiction, and is particularly effective when someone has low self-esteem. This comment from our blog is a great example:
I believed I was married to the most wonderful man in the world. He was soooo good to me... swore he stopped porn.. He traveled for work all the time... And when he came home... I never felt desired by him... things just never made sense.. All the therapy I've gone through... I was told to look into GASLIGHTING.. CRAZY-MAKING... This is where I uncovered what was happening to me my whole entire marriage. THIS MAN NEVER LOVED ME... I'm not saying this is what is happening to anyone whose spouse is addicted to porn. But it is what was going on with me and I had NO CLUE... 4 years of marriage... My intuition was telling me something was wrong, but I couldn't put my finger on anything!! My husband is a high functioning workaholic covert emotional manipulating narcissist who has been gaslighting and manipulating me throughout our whole lives together. He sought me out (as I am a neurotic (low self-esteem, high anxiety, guilt-ridden, extremely conscientious person - so I am easy to manipulate) worked on me for these years so he could have his narcissistic supply… I am traumatized by this, but know I am better off without this sociopath/psychopath in my life... Covert Narcissist Emotion Manipulation Gaslighting Crazy-making... I originally wrote the comments above about painting the porch while the kitchen was on fire.... This was before I figured out what was happening to me...” –Katie
Not only did she feel she was an easy target, she knew something was off and felt her husband was covering up a porn addiction.
Things that aren’t even about you can also drive the deception. Gaslighting abuse can come from a need to cover up insecurities like this commenter wonders from our blog:
Another time he left me standing in the street holding the grocery shopping to turn and follow a random woman who walked past us. He denied it happened when we got back home. Gaslighting anyone? I was not insecure when I first met him. I am young, attractive ... and constantly get hit on. I wondered did he do it to make me feel "less than".. so he could feel better than me.” –Jesenia
Here’s what Dr. Kurt said,
As a form of psychological abuse, gaslighting abuse can be really hard to recognize when you’re the recipient. It’s hard to accept that someone who is supposed to love you, and often tells you that they do love you, treats you in an unloving way. But, sadly, it’s not uncommon at all. So if you could be in such an abusive relationship, please get professional help.”
Still think it could be you who is crazy?
If you feel something’s just not right or you find yourself full of self-doubt, and don’t feel you can yet call out the abuse, here are some tips on how to deal with gaslighting abuse in your relationship:
As subtle and slowly as it can progress, being gaslighted is hard to recognize when you can’t put your finger on what’s not right. But knowing what it is can be really powerful in not just your starting to recognize it, but in beginning to stop it, too. Gaslighting abuse will only get worse if you allow it, so start today to take back your reality and your life.
Guilt can be a positive emotion, but it's also often used as a tool to control or manipulate.
Guilt is a powerful emotion and not always a bad one. It can nudge us to do better, apologize when we’re wrong, and keep us from being deceptive. But when guilt is used as a tool to control or shame someone, or to maintain the upper hand in a relationship, it becomes dangerous and detrimental to emotional health.
Would you recognize Emotional Manipulation In Your Marriage? Check the signs of Emotional Manipulation In Marriage and how you can stop being manipulated.
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I'm scared to even coment on this knowing my husband watches my phone abs computers. But he has told me different version of events when we fist met for the last few years telling me I was a abused child when he met me. I was not. I was 18 and had a very nice job and didn't need saving from my parents. He then says he didn't say that later. I have ignored it on and off forgave him but other things come up that are odd. I never had a name for this kind of thing thank you. I'm not sure what I can do for help. Its not all that's going on I am scared disabled and have a child that is having father do the same kind of odd things to them. I don't see much hope right now just a lot of fear. He has also started hitting things and throwing things around when he is mad and blaming me. I'm scared he might hit me. My child is so confused they tell me that I just need to take the treatment and shut up about it.
Allisa, Your kids are learning from both of you what an adult relationship looks like. Read the other articles in the Abusive Relationship section for more information about abusive relationships. Also, do an online search for a local women’s shelter. You can also call the national hotline at 800-799-7233 for help 24/7. Be smart and remove yourself and your kids from any dangerous situations. - Dr. Kurt
Kurt -
I really like your blogs.
However, can you please write one about recognizing and dealing with mental illness in your spouse?
I'm sure that you see this often in your counseling sessions, and I believe that it is a major cause of divorce.
I underwent what may seem like gaslighting. Gaslighting could be a manipulation method, or it could be a delusion - a manifestation of mental illness.
I was told repeatedly by my ex-wife that our deceased daughter was my least favorite child, and about how poorly I head treated her (such as, "One time, you didn't say hello to her, but 10 minutes later you said hello to our other daughter Sally," and other one-time, and insignificant incidents). Yes, that really hurt, and made me want to stay away from her.
My ex-wife also maintained that our deceased daughter was murdered (yes, murdered, despite absolute evidence to the contrary), and eventually left me and the kids behind in a rage to move 5 hours away, blaming me and cutting me and the kids off. I was told later by a trauma specialist that the murder beliefe was assuaging her guilt for the death (not her fault, but parents can feel guilt) and that her attacks at me (which went far beyond the comments about how terrible a father I was) was her way of blaming me for the death.
Of late, I have had to deal with two seriously mentally ill women, both divorced.
I've had to help the daughter of a woman who is on her fourth hospitalization for suicidal ideation, alcoholism, and bipolar psychosis. The mother blames it all on her 2nd husband (now ex-husband), which isn't possible with a biologically-caused psychosis. She can seem quite rational, however, and I've learned many psychotics can mask it well.
I've also wound up, reluctantly, caring for someone who suddenly ended a 3-year marriage with no notice. Her husband was crestfallen. 25 years later, we've watched her pattern repeat again and again. Her life falls apart every few years, and she winds up living with her parents, friends or relatives. Finally, after a dangerous action that required police involvement, she was hospitalized in a delusional state - she also turned out to be bipolar with psychotic features, and it turns out that she has been hearing voices which she believed were from the spirit world.
Another friend had his wife leave him to return to her parents - she was also hearing voices, and is getting treatment, and divorcing him. She's also blaming him.
There are plenty of examples of men with mental problems as well.
Mental illness can often be treated, and even psychotics can function normally with the right medication (I know another bipolar man who has been hospitalized twice in his 40-year marriage; fortunately, his wife is a social worker, and knows how to manage him). He has built a very wealthy business in the 35 years between his hospitalizations.
I see little on the internet about recognizing mental illness in a spouse and what to do about it. Can you write a column about it?
Axel, What specifically are you suggesting? I do address mental illness on this blog, but using more every day language and without the clinical terms. -Dr. Kurt
Hi, I got married to a men who have covered his real identity for about 7 yrs and until I have discovered that he was married and still active living with the first wife that I didnt know off until after 7yrs together marriage. His first wife left him after find out that his living with 2 wives . I forgive him to the fact and hoping that he will change . But since then our marriage always facing horrible fights , he keep tell me how I destroy his life and he doesn't want me at all while in fact I beg him to tell me the truth over and over again. He always tell me how horrible person I was to him , I was always there when he needs me I even the one help him to work out with his company , he told me I'm crazy and need help so I went to get my therapist but apparently my doctor told me to have courage to walk away from my husband. Now I'm still with him and I have a strong feeling that his cheating with another new girl . His always not home as his excuse was to be there for his son to visit and I understand that he always come back every other week but when I ask for his boarding pass and ticket he can't show it up . He also doesn't want me to put our family picture as my social media profile or else he will break up with me. He always mention how much he put up my life into great and tell me that I cant find someone else like him anymore as I already have kids. I feel I was verbally abuse and much more but still I keep going coz I don't want him to be alone , this man is empty and he don't share his feelings to anyone but keep it to himself . I always there for him emotionally , stress, depressed and more coz I believe that love can forgive but this time he keep telling me how much he doesn't want to be with me anymore . I want to walk away but don't have courage , please I need help . I appreciate any comment on here.
Thank you .
lo, Leaving an abusive relationship is really, really hard. One of the affects of abuse is how it weakens and brainwashes us. Read the other articles on this site about Abusive Relationships and the comments by others in your shoes. It will help you get stronger. Talking to a professional counselor would be wise too. -Dr. Kurt
My husband has been trying to make me think I'm crazy and says he's a great husband and does nothing wrong and that I'm to blame for the way he treats me and that I hurt myself with my thoughts. He has made my family believe I was crazy and that he was a saint. This has been going on for 7 yrs and I can't take anymore. What do I do? Do I continue to stay with him while he continues to abuse me verbally, psychologically and emotionally or do I leave after 29 yrs of marriage. He seems to have lost his mind 7 yrs ago with anger, rage, girls and being very cruel and absusive toward me and hurting me anyway he can then blaming me for the way he's treating me and saying that's because it's the way I treat him. He reverses everything I do onto me and I don't know if this is a so called midlife crisis or just the real him since it's been 7 yrs and there's still no sign of the man I married just the monster I'm roommates with at this point. Do I stay or divorce? -Donna