There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
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When it comes to cheating on your partner we don’t typically think of there being any grey area. You either did, or you didn’t. But is it possible to cheat just a little bit?
As it turns out, yes.
So how do you recognize the signs of micro-cheating?
Most of the time cheating is pretty straight forward, so yes – you should know when you’re cheating.
If you sleep with someone else, kiss someone else, become emotionally involved with someone else, or secretively meet with someone else, you’re cheating.
Micro-cheating is a bit different, however. It’s often done right out in the open and the person doing it may not even recognize that they have crossed a line.
This often occurs under the guise of 'just being friendly' with the line between appropriate and inappropriate behavior becoming extremely blurry.
Unfortunately, that’s one of the biggest problems. These subtle actions undermine a relationship and create problems that are hard to define, often until it’s too late.
Seeing the signs of micro-cheating can be hard to do unless you know what to look for.
Read on to see if any of these seem familiar.
Before we talk about what micro-cheating looks like, let’s first make sure we understand what it is.
While many don’t think there is a grey area when it comes to cheating, there actually can be. That’s where micro-cheating comes in.
Infidelity is often comprised of a series of small (micro) behaviors that by themselves don’t seem like much. These behaviors, however, like being overly complimentary toward someone else or misrepresenting your current relationship status, create instability in a relationship.
Over the long-term these things can lead to larger, more overt behaviors like starting an emotional affair or even a physical one.
These seemingly insignificant actions can easily be overlooked and explained away. In fact, although they may make one partner uncomfortable, that same partner may say, "No, I don’t like it but he/she isn’t cheating on me.”
So micro-cheating defined is all those small things that might make you angry, but by themselves aren’t quite enough to make you end the relationship.
Dr. Kurt frequently counsels couples dealing with these issues. They may be struggling with trust issues and often micro-cheating has played a role. When asked about it, he had this to say,
Isn't cheating just cheating? Not anymore. The lines between right and wrong have gotten so blurred and self-defined that there's now a sub-form of cheating called micro-cheating that can easily be overlooked today. Depending on where you fall in assessing your own behavior, you're likely to have a different response to the following list of examples of micro-cheating. If you do any of the things listed you likely will say you're 'just being friendly' or 'having fun' and have no intention to cheat. If you're that persons partner you very well may feel hurt, angry, betrayed and less trusting because of these behaviors. Bridging this difference in perspectives and feelings can be really difficult, but it must be done for the relationship to stay healthy and last."
Micro-cheating can range from simple comments to subtle innuendo, to secretive behavior. It may even occur when the other partner is present or nearby.
And rather than the sledge-hammer effect of having an affair, micro-cheating will slowly chip away at the relationship by creating distance and distrust.
Below are some of the most common ways that people micro-cheat.
Posting provocative photos of yourself, known as thirst trapping, is one of them. In these cases, the photos serve no other purpose than to gain responses and attention from the opposite sex. Often the pictures involve little by the way of clothing, or at the least suggestive poses.
Anytime you allow it to seem like you aren’t in a committed relationship when you are, it can be classified as micro-cheating. It doesn’t matter if it is at a club, at work, or online – you are either in a relationship or not. The answer shouldn’t change.
The, "Yes, we’re together, but I don’t know for how much longer, things aren’t going that well” exchange.
It’s usually between a man and a woman with the intent to pique the interest of the opposite sex and indicate a possibility of being available for a new relationship in the future.
your relationship in order to inspire the romantic interest of someone else is crossing the line and is an example of micro-cheating.
No one is saying that a well-placed compliment or recognizing someone’s achievements is a bad thing, but if you are overdoing it your intentions may well be misinterpreted or questioned.
Any of the behaviors above can be signs of micro-cheating.
Some may seem like they don’t really cross the line. I mean what’s really wrong with helping someone who has problems, or having a best friend of the opposite sex?
The problem with these things is how they affect your relationship and why they are happening in the first place.
If you feel like micro-cheating is occurring in your relationship you’ll need to,
Micro-cheating, as mentioned, is an odd grey area of relationship infidelity.
While some of the behaviors are clearly out of bounds (taking off your wedding ring and pretending you’re not married – not okay), others might seem more like an uncomfortable eye-brow raiser.
If you recognize any of these actions in yourself or your partner, consider the why behind the cheating behavior.
Common reasons micro-cheating occurs include:
A narcissist will have a hard time seeing why their behavior is inappropriate. They’ll likely try to justify it as “not actually cheating.” This means that a heartfelt and honest conversation about the affect the behavior is having on you will need to occur. They’ll then need to be honest with themselves about the need to make a change and most likely will require counseling in order for the behavior to stop.
In this case, a direct conversation is in order. This conversation may reveal that there are deeper issues and marriage counseling could be of benefit.
This will require relearning what it means to be helpful and friendly and ways to set appropriate boundaries.
Regardless as to the reason, there is one basic question that needs to be answered if you think you might be seeing signs of micro-cheating:
How Is It Affecting Your Relationship?
If your relationship is suffering because of micro-cheating and your partner’s behavior is making you feel,
or they’re behaving with someone else in ways they should only behave with you, something needs to change.
If you or your partner is being secretive about your activities, or doing things that make the other uncomfortable, you are undermining your relationship.
If micro-cheating is a factor in your relationship, keep the following things in mind:
The bottom line is to trust your feelings. If you think you’re seeing the signs of micro-cheating you likely are.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published December 19, 2018 and updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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Thank you for reading my comment, any advice will be helpful. My wife and I have been married for 13 years. The love I share for my wife is indescribable and I would do absolutely anything for her. However, I recently became aware of what is to me some inappropriate texts between my wife and female colleagues of hers. They are also friends outside of work as well. These texts are about other male colleagues that they work with. My wife and her friends will talk about the penis size of other males and in particular my wife, in the text describes the outline and size of a specific male colleague. Almost like she is proud to look at it and see it. In the same text conversation my wife will ask her friend if she would have sex with certain male colleagues and proceeds to tell her friend about a male colleague that she wouldn’t because “he’s too skinny”. When I confronted her about these texts she is adamant that it means nothing and that it’s just “girl talk” and that she would never cheat on me. Now I understand this doesn’t sound like much, however this is not the first time my wife has had these types of exchanges with her friends about other male colleagues and boyfriends of her friends. I am trying to forget/forgive…and I want to believe she will not cheat but it’s just when you add up all the pieces together with the last few months of constant berating and death wishes and being told to get out and that our kids hate/dislike me, then the continual lying about how she doesn’t look at guys or think about guys in that sort of way and you add that up with her never wanting to have any kind of sex with ME, and the fact that this is absolutely NOT the first time she has “girl talked” about other guys like this (I just let it go and never said anything). So, if I wouldn’t have called her out this time she absolutely without a doubt would have/still continually had/have “girl talks” about other guys dicks and having sex with other guys. Now my question is, does this fall under “Text cheating”, “Micro cheating” “Emotional cheating” or none at all? Thank you for your help as my mind is almost fried and my heart is hurting from sleepless nights and constantly thinking about these text exchanges.
Chad, I don't think finding the right label to use is what's important. Calling it for what it is, which is inappropriate, disrespectful, and unloving towards you is. It's not quite those forms of cheating - yet, but you're right to be concerned about where it could go. It's a form of cheating similar to porn where a partner is lusting and showing sexual interest in someone other than their partner. -Dr. Kurt