There are real psychological, emotional, and even biological reasons toxic relationships can feel strangely addictive. Understanding those reasons is crucial for breaking the cycle.
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When you meet someone and fall in love there’s a lot of enthusiasm and excitement. You’re all wrapped up in an intoxicating mix of lust and love and want to spend as much time with that person as possible. It’s only natural to start imagining a future together, even if it means ignoring signs the relationship is moving too fast.
If you’re not careful you can find yourselves naming your yet to be conceived children before you’ve even learned if they’re a dog person or team cat. These are clear signs your relationship is moving too fast.
The pace at which a relationship moves can vary from couple to couple. But the love stories where boy meets girl and boy marries girl four months later rarely result in boy and girl living happily ever after. There’s just too much important stuff that gets skipped when you move too quickly.
So, how fast is too fast?
Again, it varies, but there are some signs that your relationship is moving too quickly and when a relationship moves too fast it can lessen the chances of it lasting.
Because everyone and every relationship is different, only you will know if things between you are going too fast. And if you really think about it and examine your feelings, the signs will be there.
In fact, there is a fair chance that if you’re reading this you already have suspicions that it might be time to slow things down. And if you’re like most of us, you’re looking for confirmation and advice on how put the brakes on without completely killing the vibe.
The list below isn’t ALL the signs that your relationship is moving too fast, but they are some of the most common and, incidentally, they’re also the ones that can cause the biggest problems as your relationship grows.
One of the biggest stumbling blocks for relationships are the unfortunate surprises that can come from avoiding discussing certain topics. If you haven’t taken the time to have some of the most important conversations before you really get serious about one another, your relationship is probably moving too fast. Couples that are truly interested in a long-term, successful relationship need to make sure they are on the same page about the following:
Sex is great and in a healthy relationship sex should happen regularly. But we all know that at the beginning of a relationship it can be hard to keep your hands off each other and sex is often more frequent than in the later years. While that’s normal and fine, it can also mask incompatibility and other potential problems. So, before you determine that he or she is “the one” you need to make sure that there’s more to your relationship than good sex. And then make sure that the sex stays good for all the years to come.
No one exists in a bubble. Even if your new partner doesn’t have close family there are bound to be friends or other important figures in his or her life.
If you’ve never met any of them then your partner hasn’t really incorporated you into the most intimate parts of their life. For a couple that’s on the road to getting serious (or already are serious) this can be a big red flag that the two of you are moving too quickly through your relationship.
Not the plans for your relationship necessarily, but the plans each of you have for your own lives. You had a life and plans before meeting your partner and you should still.
A romance that’s destined for success will involve two supportive individuals who want to see each other succeed and grow. This means knowing where you each want to be in the years to come and discussing what you each want and need to make your plans happen.
While fighting with someone you love sounds like a bad thing, it really isn’t when it’s done the right way. In fact, the strongest relationships will have survived monumental disagreements and generally grown stronger from them. No two people agree on everything all the time and how you handle a disagreement and resolving it says a lot about how you will do as a couple for the long haul.
Good communication and conflict resolution is crucial for a healthy, happy relationship. So, if you haven’t yet had a fight or two and respectfully and effectively resolved them, it could be a sign your relationship is moving too fast.
If some (or all) of these sounds familiar it’s probably time to take a beat and slow things down a bit.
Of course, that can feel a lot like trying to stop a speeding train. Not only are things already barreling down the track, but you probably don’t really want to slow down, right?
If that’s the case read on.
You may think, “Okay, but not us. We’re different.” After all, things feel good and are fun right now, so why not just roll the dice and see where things go?
Well, because the truth is that relationships that start too fast often end fast as well, or at least commonly encounter big problems.
Among the most common problems faced when a relationship moves too fast are,
If you really want something long lasting with your partner then you need to make sure you build a strong foundation, and that cannot be rushed.
Dr. Kurt routinely works with couples who have impulsively jumped into things before building a strong foundation. He’s seen firsthand what can happen. When asked for his insight he had this to say,
A common complaint I hear from couples whose relationships are in trouble is that they have come to the realization they either don't really know their partner or they're not who they thought they were. While we all can find out new things about our significant other even after years of being together, these aren't usually deal breakers. Couples who let their relationships move too fast, however, often by moving in together, making a large purchase like a car or house together, or getting married, discover things much bigger than 'I never knew you liked Jalapenos.' Things like, he's verbally abusive and won't get a job (I'm working with his wife right now), or she talks to her mother 3 times a day and now wants mom to move in (helped this couple last year). A guy told me last month that he thought it was 'cute' that he and his girlfriend (of 4 months) bought a truck together (totally impulsive and unplanned). Not surprisingly, he's already divorced once from marrying someone after only 9 days. Some of us are slow learners on certain things, particularly regarding love and relationships (I've been one too)."
Rushing into things can mean having to double back to rebuild and redo, and that doesn’t always work well. It can also mean that as time goes on you find that you each are trying to change each other or wishing for someone different. This can leave you more open to larger problems like emotional or physical affairs as you try to fill the needs your partner isn’t meeting.
These couples often find dreaming of their future together and how amazing it will be gets replaced by dreaming of divorce and how liberating that will be.
Rates of divorce for couples who married before really knowing and understanding one another are much higher than couples who take their time, as are incidences of relationship related depression.
It may seem impossible to stop that train once it’s left the station, but it’s really not. If your relationship is destined to be a long one then tapping the brakes won’t change that.
You’ll need to start with a frank and honest discussion with your partner regarding your concerns and motivations for slowing things down, though.
Keep in mind that one of the signs that a relationship has moved too fast is the tendency for misunderstanding the intentions of one another and constant frustration and arguing that results.
At this point you may be wondering if there’s any way you can save your relationship knowing that it moved too fast.
The answer to that is, probably. But it will take some work.
If you’ve gotten to a place in your relationship where things have started to break down and the foundation just doesn’t seem to be there, you’ll now need to spend time working together to rebuild it. This will require effort from both of you and potentially a skilled couple’s counselor.
Once you and your partner have had an honest conversation and been candid about your respective concerns you can make a plan for resetting things in a way that is acceptable for both of you.
Some of the things to consider are,
As you are trying to improve things you’ll need to revisit these areas and work to add them to the foundation of your relationship. This can be a difficult step, but having those crucial conversations, connecting beyond the physical, knowing the important people in your lives, respecting the plans you each have for your futures, and learning how to grow together after conflict are what it will take to move forward with a stronger foundation.
This is vitally important if you’re really trying to fix things.
It’s important for both personal and relationship balance to maintain these relationships.
A healthy relationship has two people who have their own identities and interests and choose to live their lives together. Having separate interests will help keep things interesting and stave off any resentment that could build.
Doing these things doesn’t mean that your relationship will automatically be fine. If you’re seeing signs your relationship moved too fast and you and your partner are now facing challenges because of it, there is no overnight fix. It will take time, effort, and patience to build something now that should have been built at the onset.
When you meet someone and the chemistry seems perfect it can be easy to get carried away and allow the relationship to move at warp speed. But relationships that move too fast often face a number of challenges as they progress.
That whirlwind of intense emotions and excitement means couples can skip crucial stages of getting to know each other deeply, and the initial infatuation can overshadow potential red flags.
If you’re in a relationship that’s moving quickly, keep the following in mind:
It's essential for partners to take the time to nurture a new relationship and allow it to grow and deepen. When a relationship moves too fast it encroaches on the space for individual personal growth, which will lead to problems. Giving a relationship time to evolve at a pace that feels comfortable and sustainable for both partners is the best pathway to long-term happiness.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published July 1, 2020 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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This was some really good info to go by to help make a very good long lasting relationship last... thanks so much