Everyone masturbates, right? Yes, most people probably have, but when some develops masturbation addiction it's a problem.
4 Min Read
Contents
Part 1 of 3
At Guy Stuff we hear every day from both men and their partners who are looking for porn addiction help. Men want to find out how to stop looking at porn, while the women in their lives are trying to understand why their men watch porn and how they can help them stop.
Porn is so common, but also so misunderstood. It's becoming more and more accepted as normal in our society, yet causes tremendous problems that are most often unseen, overlooked, or ignored.
Men finding women attractive and desiring to look at a naked woman is normal. However, viewing porn takes this natural desire to a whole other level and changes men in unhealthy ways.
The following are excerpts from a few of the submissions we've received lately from people looking for help with porn addiction. In order to better understand this problem I'll provide some brief feedback and guidance for each situation.
If you're looking for help yourself, perhaps one of these people's stories will be somewhat like your own.
I've been with my wife now for 9 years. I've been caught multiple times looking at porn and I tell her every time that I'm going to stop. I don't understand why I keep doing it. I know it hurts her. I don't know what to do. I need help with porn." -Adrian
Can watching porn really be an addiction?
Yes, most of the time it is, but not always. It's important to understand 2 things:
The reason Adrian cannot stop watching porn, despite knowing how it hurts his wife, is because of the addictive effect porn has on him - its allure has been too powerful for him to resist on his own.
Is Adrian addicted to porn? Most likely if he wants to stop and cannot. But what's most important is that he's beginning to recognize this now and is looking for porn addiction help.
So, you’re willing to admit you watch porn too much and need to stop. Maybe you’re even willing to consider that you could have a porn addiction. What now? You just stop, right? If only it were that easy.
While there are people out there who may be able to “just stop,” addictions for most people just aren’t that easy to quit. Porn can be especially tricky because it’s easy to access and it doesn’t leave the obvious negative effects that drugs or alcohol can.
Most people, however, will need some help to truly quit and not get pulled back in. Check out Mariah’s story as an example.
Not married yet, but from everything that I have questioned has led me to marriage sites. Ok here's my dilemma, sex is a joke and a half. I have to wait around for him to be in the mood but he can masturbate away to porn! He claims that sometimes it is easier to masturbate than to put in work with me. He also says not all the time does he masturbate to porn. He watches porn like T.V. Ugh! There is nothing I can do to change his mind about not being in the mood...he won't let me try. When we do have sex there is no foreplay or affection. Let alone affection outside of sex. No attention either. He claims spending time with me is being in the same house together. He would rather be on porn sites than talk to me. He will not get any help with his porn addiction. I am getting to the point where I just want to give up, but then he is the sweet heart he truly is. He hasn't cheated on me, unfortunately this man checks in with me every 5 minutes while he is out, as if I have time to worry about that when I'm wondering why I feel so unwanted, unneeded, unattractive, just here as a place holder template." -Mariah
Porn can become a replacement for real sex for many men. As Mariah's boyfriend says, "it is easier."
It's also less work, always available, provides endless variety, will do anything you want, never questions you or says "no," just to name a few of the things that make it so appealing.
Porn is the perfect sexual partner, or so it seems, and it has become that for a lot of men. Unfortunately, as Mariah explains, it can negatively impact the partner and relationship big time - that's when you've got to ask yourself if you are in need of help with a porn addiction.
He claims that sometimes it is easier to masturbate than to put in work with me."
Porn is a problem when it becomes a replacement for real intimacy with a partner. This isn't the case for every man, some men still want sex, and often an insatiable amount, and often in ways they never would have desired before the influence of porn.
But even when a man still wants to have sex with his partner, porn can still be having a detrimental effect on the relationship. It can undermine a woman’s self-confidence, making her feel like a poor or inadequate substitute for the women her partner has been watching on a screen.
As Mariah says, “unwanted, unneeded, unattractive.” These negative feelings can impact other parts of the relationship too.
It should be noted that while it’s primarily men who watch porn, there are women who watch too. Generally, however, women watch a different type of porn and for different reasons. Of course, that doesn’t make it any better or less harmful to the relationship.
This is the first of 3 articles providing porn addiction help. This discussion explored how porn can become an addiction and some of the reasons it's a problem. In the next post we'll look more into how porn affects and changes men and learn if porn is truly bad for you. In the final article we'll examine the impact porn has on female partners. Hopefully hearing others' stories will help you in yours.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published Jan 13, 2016 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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My submission is too long is there any way I can email you directly Mr. Kurt Smith? And I have read all about porn addiction and nothing helped me w my problem. Please contact me. I have even wrote to the counsellors on the site.
Jessica, If you would like to reach out, I do counseling and coaching by phone, Skype, and Google Hangout. You can learn more by clicking the Services link at the top of this page. -Kurt
Thanks I saw that and would love to but unfortunately don't have $ for that at this time. Iam a sahm And I'm positive my husband will not pay for it due to the fact that this is about his porn/masterbating addiction he doesn't see it as an issue. And I have tried many times in the past to go to see a counselor and he Refuses bc he doesn't think he has a problem. And I even went alone. But nothing helped.
My fiancé was very honest about his porn watching. He told me in the beginning of our relationship he watches porn daily. I've tried to understand it and I appreciate him being honest about it but I still can't grasp his need for it. I've never turned him down and feel I keep our sex lift exciting but I'm afraid our sex is second to porn. When I tell him how I feel he points out all the good things about our relationship and how good he is to me. Which is true the good out weighs the bad He says he has watched porn all his life and it's no big deal all men do it.
It's nice that he was open and honest about it. I don't get it either. I find it so horrible how available it is. It's literally at thier fingertips. I feel if we did what our men do to us w this, they wouldn't be too happy, especially if we did it excessively and didn't tend to them. i find it very offensive. Same w ogling other females in public w or w/o your woman. Mine tried saying the same thing to me about " look at all the good I do" and I know he is good and does good other than this. I just don't see the point... Go be single. But don't be upset when you are a lonely old man later in life bc of these stupid internet females. I understand everyone has God given eyes, but just don't see why one would want to sort of 'over stimulate' them self w so many diff images. My says its entertainment. There are so many other ways to entertain yourself. Find a hobby, read a book, work out, something productive. I think the worst part is that many man know how upset this makes a woman feel and still continue.
I apologize for being a couple of months after the first post. I would caution you to not give much thought to his need to watch porn daily. Most likely he doesn't know or understand his need for it. You need to be open and honest with yourself, watches porn daily, are engaged, children possibly, the time he spends watching is time not spent strengthening your relationship, and is time not spent strengthening other relationships, family, friends, children. I would counter with, if the bad he is doing makes you feel like you are right now, does the good really outweigh that? As for all men do it, the correct statement is males do it, MEN don't.
In addition, mine has also stated "it is natural, this is what men do, all men do this" I don't think so. I understand the excitement of sexual & visual stimulation, however if done excessively wouldn't this feeling sort of loose it's excitement after excessive use? A man w this issue would most likely say no bc there is such a huge selection of this stuff available. These issues make me so upset w the human race! It's so out there and over used that it looses the true meaning of a man and woman making love. I have been reading up on this for a while and it's sad how many men (young ones too teenagers) who are doing this, and will eventually cause a huge problem for themselves and their loved ones. Women do this also I have seen posts where men complain but not nearly as much as women complaining about it. It's really sad for anyone to do this excessively it destroys them in so many ways that they prob don't think of bc they are to busy enjoying the moment. I really wish I had some helpful advice for u I'm going through the same. I pray all w this issue can make it through and see its not right. In all honestly many ppls actions in this world really make me sick and wonder what God has in store for this horrible sex crazed age and for these actors who do this.
God bless you Sandra I will pray for you.
I taught I was alone and very very hurt when I discovered that my husband of 13yrs I'd addicted to porn and not just porn but the ones with force sex and torture. I have camera all over the house and him not being very smart taught it wasn't on record. So after noticing there was something wrong when he told me I am too old now at the age of 33 I was shock and with words like my body is destroyed after child birth. No love or attention from him anymore so I have to investigate and thanks to my home camera. Every every afternoon when I am off to pick up the kids from school he is supposed to be working from home instead he is spending a good 1 hour watching porn and enjoying himself. I feel so alone after finding out. I am so hurt. He denial it and I am so scared of showing him all the videos from the camera. I am fit and beautiful and yet he doesn't even look at me or admire me. I am so confuse don't know what to do.
Mia, Porn addiction is complicated and many men do not even know they are addicted or that it has any side effects. Like any addiction, he will have to want to quit and get help. Find a professional marriage counselor who specializes in porn addiction, and if he won't go with you, go without him. In my experience, once one spouse goes, the other wants to go. -Kurt
Dear Kurt, i have no chance to a marriage counselling from you since we reside in the CZ. I have recently found out that my partner watched porn. It has had a totally devastating effect on me. I dont want to leave him but dont know how to get over this. It did not happen only once, i caught him few months back and at the time he promised not to do it again and a month ago he did it again. I cant trust him anymore. He said, he was doing this all of the time, he was with his ex-wife because he did not love her. Now i feel like he does not love me too. It is not just because of porn watching but because there are other things that indicate this to me - sex life good for nothing, other things which really hurt me but that is for a long discussion. We have a 6y.o. son and i dont want to break the relationship. He swears he loves me but his actions say otherwise. What should i do? I feel really horrible because i thought, things were getting better, we have just got a loan to build our dreamhome and now this..I am doing my best to look attractive for him and now i find out that he is imagining these whores or god knows what other women while we are having sex.. it is just so disgusting, i feel so humiliated,like a POS.. the truth is, he was never fond of blond women before he had met me, for some reason he fell in love with me - we seemed to have so much in common and i thought, i was special to him.. now he is watching all these brunettes in those movies.. i have never had this kind of problem in my life. -Thought i used to have a very low self-confidence (which is now on the zero point) men used to be crazy about me.. i dont know if it is my age - i am 40..i read that men are only attracted to younger women and women in 40s are practically invisible for them. But other men still make me feel that i do exist. Not that i would look at them but there are situations when it is very obvious. I dont understand why i am no more appealing to my man after only 6 years of being together. How should i get this image of him, imagining sex with other, often younger women out of my head??? Thank you for some advice, K.
Katerina, Porn addiction is tricky for a few reasons. Most men don't realize they are addicted or what the side effects are, and will need professional help to stop watching it. Like any addiction, he will have to want help. Marriage counseling is a good idea. If you would like to reach out to me, I do counseling & coaching by phone, Skype, and Google Hangout. You can learn more by clicking the Services link at the top of this page. If not, find a local one you can talk to. -Kurt