What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
7 Min Read
Contents
Where did it go? It was there a few months ago. Or was it years ago? It can be hard to remember when lives are busy. But if you find yourself thinking, “My wife is never in the mood anymore,” you may feel like a detective looking for clues that will help bring it back.
As successful as they may be, Scooby and the gang can’t help with this one.
One of the chief complaints for both husbands and wives when it comes to sex is the absence of feeling “in the mood.” You know what I mean – THE mood.
That’s right, guys. You may think it’s just you that’s bothered when your wife is never in the mood anymore, but it’s not. In most cases, it bothers her, too.
For most couples, the frequency of sex lessens with time. This happens for many reasons, but many of them get boiled down to one catchall phrase,
I’m not in the mood.”
Many men claim this has become their wife’s sexual mantra.
If you’re one of these men claiming, “My wife is never in the mood anymore,” you’re not alone. But you may be surprised that not only can you be instrumental in changing that, but addressing “the mood” can also bring you closer.
Remember when all you had to do was get close to her, and she was all in? Then, over time, maybe you needed to up your game and employ a few new moves.
Now, it seems like you could perform a scene from Magic Mike, and it wouldn’t do anything to get her in the mood. It might make her laugh, but that’s not the goal in this case.
What gives?
There can be several reasons for her inability to get in the mood for intimacy to have gone AWOL.
Some of the most common potential factors include,
Note: Guys, if you’re a porn watcher or like to admire other women, know that you’re probably impacting this category heavily. Making her feel like she’s competing with other women for your admiration and interest can destroy her ability to get in the mood.
In his practice, “My wife is never in the mood anymore,” is one of the biggest complaints Dr. Kurt hears from men. When he speaks with the wives involved there are some common themes in their explanations.
One of the most frequent reasons I hear from wives about why they're not in the mood more often is because of the impact of being a mom. It goes something like this, 'I get grabbed, poked, and sucked on all day long, the last thing I want is for my husband to do the same thing.' So, a little more empathy from us guys for what it's like being a mom can really help her to have some interest in sex. However, when we act like another kid for her to have to take care of it's a BIG, BIG turnoff."
Although it’s essential to understand why your wife seems like she’s never in the mood anymore, it’s also important not to oversimplify things. All of these reasons can be complex and multifaceted.
Before discussing the “things” you can do, let’s address something many men don’t realize. Most women who have difficulty getting in the mood or feel like they’re never in the mood anymore aren’t happy about it.
Women like sex.
In fact – pay attention here gentlemen – all things being equal, there’s not a lot of difference between a man’s desire for sex and a woman’s. But the biology of a woman’s sexual response can be trickier than a man’s.
Think of it this way: Even under stressful, less-than-ideal circumstances, a man’s ability to be ready to have sex lives closer to the surface than a woman’s. And once sexually ready, a man can find himself in the right mental zone for sex fairly quickly. A woman’s sexual engine can take a little longer to rev, and that mental zone can take longer to reach.
Can she change those things on her own? Yeah, probably.
But it can be hard to feel motivated to make the effort, even if she knows the end result will be enjoyable. The path of least resistance is simply to embrace never being in the mood.
But that’s no fun for anyone and not particularly healthy. Yet it’s extremely common.
So, while there is no actual magic (not even Mike had it), there are things you can do to help. And there are some things you may be doing that are actually counterproductive.
Let’s start with the Don’ts.
“Come on, you know you want to,” “Let’s just do it, you know you’ll enjoy it,” or being otherwise insistent doesn’t help at all. At. All.
“Ugh, I can’t believe I’m living in a sexless marriage!” “What’s wrong with you?” “What happened to you?” “You’re NEVER in the mood anymore!”
Yes, you may be frustrated (in more ways than one), but think about it – when was the last time making someone feel bad resulted in something positive?
While there’s some merit to remembering and reminding each other about fun and carefree times for each of you, too much of that will just shine more of a light on your dissatisfaction.
“Marc says he and Lindy have sex at least once a week,” “Cheryl surprised Nick with sexy lingerie the other night,” “Juan said menopause has made Lola wild in bed!”
All this will make her do is say, “So what?” (And that Juan’s lying)
Walking into the kitchen naked and erect while she’s unloading the dishwasher isn’t as sexy as you may think it is. Neither is grabbing her breast while she’s drying her hair, or saying, “Hey, wanna do it?” as she’s falling asleep.
Take the time for foreplay, build anticipation, and create an atmosphere where both of you feel comfortable and desired.
Emotional connection creates a bond that enhances the overall quality of intimacy and boosts the interest in sex for both of you.
Engaging in open and honest communication about your desires, needs, and concerns (without strong emotions) will cultivate emotional intimacy and closeness.
Expressing your love and affection verbally will make her feel valued and appreciated outside of sex.
Pay attention to the environment. Creating a comfortable and relaxing space encourages the right mood.
Spending time together by engaging in activities you enjoy strengthens your emotional bond. Feeling emotionally connected is one of the quickest routes to getting your wife in the mood.
Sex should be good for both partners, but sometimes, your interest in her pleasure sparks the mood and allows her to relax and get her groove back.
At other times, no matter what you do, it’s just not the right time. So, practice patience and understanding. It’s essential to be supportive rather than pressure her.
Surprise gestures and romantic effort can pave the way for her to get in the mood and make her know how much you desire and value her.
If, despite your best efforts, it still seems like your wife’s never in the mood anymore, it’s time for an open and honest conversation.
Approach the discussion with empathy and a willingness to listen and understand. Creating a safe and non-judgmental space for her to express her feelings is essential.
Making these efforts can help her regain her desire to get in the mood more quickly and bring the two of you closer. Nothing is sexier than a man who really cares about his wife and wants to be close to her in all the right ways (particularly the non-sexual ones).
Before you throw your hands up and make blanket statements like, “My wife is NEVER in the mood anymore,” take a step back and consider the larger picture. Try to put yourself in her shoes.
The mood for intimacy is influenced by many things. Remember,
If nothing seems to be working and your wife really isn’t ever in the mood anymore, and she’s also frustrated, consider seeing a professional counselor. There may be something deeper going on that needs to be discovered.
What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
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While this is a super helpful post, I think men don't realize how often they only touch their partners when they're hoping it will lead to sex. I feel like when my partner doesn't try just holding me on the couch without taking it further, he doesn't realize how much it makes me feel like an object and not a person with emotional needs. I don't want to freeze up whenever he touches me, but quite literally he only initiates touch when he wants sex from me. It's extremely frustrating and off putting. Women wish more men understood this.
Hi Ada, Great point. I've been told the same thing by many women, so I know you speak for a lot for a lot of them. Unfortunately, you're also right that most men don't get the importance of this and the difference it can make in their relationship. Thanks for sharing! -Dr. Kurt