Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
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When you're struggling with anything it's easy to feel like you're alone and the only one who feels that way.
But there isn’t a problem out there that someone else hasn’t also experienced, so I can assure you you're not alone, no matter what the problem is.
A midlife crisis is no exception.
There are many midlife crisis stories that are likely very similar to your own if that’s what you’re experiencing.
At Guy Stuff we work with both men and women who are dealing with midlife crisis. Although each story has its own unique narrative, there are many similarities.
Here's one midlife crisis story from a lonely, confused woman who’s desperately trying to understand what's happening with her man.
Hi Kurt, I am really confused about this whole midlife crisis story with my husband: I don't know where he is at in the stages of his midlife crisis/transition. He has been staying with his mother but he has also had more than one issue going on.
My husband (age 45) he had a total ankle replacement over a year ago. Was taking the narcotics and I have been noticing the change in him being distance and him not wanting sex, not wanting to communicate, etc. If it was not me every-time initiated it, he would like fold up in a ball like a baby and place blankets between us. I started reading into the signs and symptoms of the narcotics addiction and oh my gosh to my surprise, he was having all the signs and symptoms....unusual thoughts or behavior, fear, anxiety, confusion, sexual desires etc. I learned narcotics are sex drive killers.
Then in August I was sitting at work and decided to text him and I said 'Hello, how's your day? I have noticed you are not you is there something wrong?' And to my surprise he text me back, 'I don't want to be married anymore, I don't want to answer to anyone. I love you and the kids, I am lost, confused, angry and I try and control it, it's me, not you.' WOW! I started crying at my desk and thought, 'Oh my god this can not be happening.'
He started letting his hair grow and everyone has told him but me it looks like crap... :). He would not open up to me as I begged him to, 'What is wrong?" What did I do?' Our oldest daughter and grandchildren moved in with us in July 2014 and he was very upset that I let this happen, he yelled and screamed at me. Then he asked for a divorce, he loved me but he was not in love with me.
Then something clicked for me, he's having a 'Midlife Crisis/Transition' and being addicted to the pills. He was already living at his mom's, I asked him to come home several times that we could work on this and even asked if he would seek marriage counselling, and he said what good is that going to do. He will not even look me in the eyes when he talks to me, he will not communicate with me unless it has to do with him and him only. I will text him and say, 'Hello how are you?' Days he will not text me back. I have asked if there is someone else...He says No or Nope.
He is so secretive about what he does and how he does it. I am not chasing him. My sons and him had a hunt this weekend and he came to the house and got all the stuff ready. And just as they were leaving he would not look at me when he said it, but he said 'YOU LOOK NICE.' I have not heard those words in years.
I have done a lot of reading and I have also printed up papers for him to read stories about Midlife Crisis. He don't answer me if I ask questions. I am just crushed. 'Yikes' My husband acts as if he is a kid in a grown mans body.
I don't text him everyday. I give him space but am I doing the right things? I don't ask about our relationship or where it is going. He has not asked about divorcing. I don't know if he is having an affair that has not been made light of. I am so confused by the mixed signals he gives. He tells everyone to mind their own business.
And I have lost some weight since July when I had planned on losing some weight (I didn't do it for him, I did it for me) total of 40 pounds. As much as I have read on your website and all the useful information, I have educated myself as this is time for me as well: keep myself busy and also work on my love and compassion for others as well.
Please if you can shed some light, is there hope in my life? I will wait out the storm. Does he come to his senses? Wow!! By the way he has not given me back the key to the house, nor has he taken all his stuff." -Brenda J.
Brenda isn’t alone and her midlife crisis story is far from unique. There are many people, both women and men, who have similar stories and are equally as confused. Read on to see what I told Brenda.
I responded to Brenda with the following.
Below are my thoughts on some of the aspects of your experience that hopefully will help you better understand what's going on with your husband.
Having multiple issues happening at the same time isn’t uncommon. Often a midlife crisis is triggered by, or happens simultaneously with, something else – such as a health issue, like your husband's surgery, or a mental health issue, like his drug addiction.
This can make it confusing to discern what’s causing what.
For instance, is your husband's lack of interest in sex due to his narcotics abuse or is it the midlife crisis?
The answer is probably both.
He's confused too. His erratic, impulsive, emotionally driven behaviors are common symptoms of midlife crisis.
Telling you out of nowhere that he wants a divorce is typical as well.
I'm sure he meant it at the time, but it's very possible that he'll change his mind multiple times about this due to his uncertainty regarding what will truly make him happy.
Confusion for both partners is a common theme in stories of midlife crises.
There's also a contradiction in your story of his midlife crisis that you need to recognize.
He told you, "It's me, not you."
And you're asking him, "What did I do?"
I know you're trying to make sense of what's going on with him, but the truth is you won't be able to make total sense of it. Even he doesn't know what's going on.
But he's right that this is more him than it is you.
This doesn't mean you don't have things you could improve on to make your relationship better; rather it means that the core problem lies with him.
So, a better question to ask is, "What can I do to help?" rather than "What did I do?"
You wrote,
'YOU LOOK NICE.' I have not heard those words in years."
For many women these are magical words. And they probably are to you too.
Be very careful not to read into these words more meaning than they really have - like he's interested in getting back together.
He was probably just trying to say something nice to you and nothing more. I could be wrong, and if I am, you'll get other messages from him that show he's interested again. But until then you need to not add extra meaning to this statement.
You say you're not chasing him, and that's good because that's exactly what you shouldn't do.
However, even though you may not intend to, by giving him your research on male midlife crisis and asking him questions about it, you’re trying to fix him. And trying to fix it can be just as bad as chasing him.
It's totally understandable to be confused by the mixed signals he's giving. But his not following through on things is very common. For example, his saying he wants a divorce but not doing anything to make it happen is not unusual at all.
It's possible that he's having some type of an affair, or is doing something else that has his focus, but most often these distractions don't last.
The best thing you can do is to put your attention on taking care of and improving yourself, which it sounds like you're already doing.
If there are things he's told you in the past that bother him, such as caring for your health and appearance, or that you nag him, it would be a good idea to work on changing those things. But do it for yourself and not just because you want him back.
Will he come to his senses?
I can't tell you without talking to him.
The best thing you can do to influence that answer is to get the expert help you're seeking on being on this site.
Talking to a professional counselor with or without him is the next step, and one I'd strongly recommend so you can learn more about what to do in your specific midlife crisis journey.
All midlife crisis stories share many of the attributes that you've described. It’s a confusing and selfish time for the person experiencing it, and often even worse for the people who love them.
Even though you may feel alone and very confused, you're not – far from it.
Hopefully, Brenda’s midlife crisis experience helps you see and feel that. Sadly, many partners go through this.
The good news is that there’s hope.
A midlife crisis can be resolved and it’s possible for things to be better for both of you on the other side. You each may need help getting there, however.
It’s important to understand that not everyone in midlife experiences a crisis. Most of us as we go through those years will experiences changes in ourselves, our thoughts and priorities, but these can be managed and even positive.
A midlife crisis is much more serious and typically reveals long-standing problems that have been ignored, however, as is evidenced by Brenda’s story.
One of the biggest mistakes people in the middle of a midlife crisis make, both the person suffering from one and their partner, is going through it alone.
There’s much about a midlife crisis that can be embarrassing, so it's understandable that you don't want to tell anyone.
And besides, who can you tell that will really understand anyway?
There are professionals like myself who do get it though. Talking to one of us and getting support and guidance can make a huge difference in how you come out on the other side.
Unfortunately, midlife crisis is an all-too-common experience. The good news about this is that it means there’s support and wisdom to be found in what others have gone through in their midlife crisis stories.
Remember,
If you’re looking for more help and support for your own situation, check the over 200 comments below to read others midlife crisis stories. The shared experiences of the online Guy Stuff community can be both comforting and helpful.
Note: If you have a story about a midlife crisis, from a woman's or man's perspective, please share it in a comment below. The more we all share, the less alone we'll all feel.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published October 31, 2014, updated on January 20, 2020, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
One of the hardest parts of a midlife crisis is being the partner of the man in one.
Think a man in your life it going through a mid-life crisis? Learn the signs here.
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I can't believe I'm doing this, but I am an "analyst" and am having such a hard time understanding what just happened to my relationship yesterday. I have been dating my boyfriend for 5 1/2 years. He is not at all an emotional person. He has never said he loves me, but really doesn't ever say it except very quickly to end the phone conversations with his daughter. He just turned 50 earlier this year. He has started buying several motor bikes to work on, fix up and ride, which is what he really enjoyed when he was young.....before his first marriage. He has only had the relationship with his ex wife (they started dating in high school, moved in together, than got married after he said she kept bugging him to....so again, for him it wasn't really about "you're the love of my life, I don't want to lose you, marry me". When we started dating he reeled me in from the beginning saying he didn't want any "major feelings", didn't want to get married again, etc. So I grew to have "feelings" for him, not that he's the love of my life, but someone I love as a person, respect, have a great time with, and someone I could retire and grow old with knowing we would have fun and travel and maybe live together for the end of days. That was what he was looking for also. He's been making himself distant the last few weeks. I've asked if we're ok as a couple and he said yes, he's just been tired. He is in charge of the largest project he's ever worked on before. His daughter will be leaving for college in the fall. And his ex wife is in a relationship which she is referring to as the love of her life. Things about his ex wife usually never bother him but he seemed quite upset about this new guy being the love of her life after everything he went through with her in the past. We went out the other day for the first time in a while and it was the first time our time together was really awkward. I knew something was wrong so I told him I was going to leave his house and immediately starting crying some. He asked why I was crying and said because I'm not happy - something isn't right. He proceeded to break up with me right then. He said he's not decided he wants or needs feelings (which as I said, he never had and didn't want before) and he doesn't have them with me. I asked him what he meant by "feelings" and he couldn't tell me what he meant. He will NEVER bring up the word love. He said he's been feeling this way for a while but there was never a right time to bring it up. I asked how long "a while" was and he also couldn't answer. I asked what this meant going forward and was told he doesn't know he hasn't thought about it any further ahead, only what he is feeling now. He was able to answer, however, when I asked if he was sure this was NOT just a break he needed because of everything going on in his life and that maybe we were in a bit of a rut. His reply was "I'm sorry I don't see it changing". So that led to more confusion (the analyst in me) about how he could answer that, but hadn't thought about anything ahead yet??? I guess my questions are, does it sound like he is in a mid-life crisis? If so, does it sound like this is a phase and he may come back someday? We were best friends who talked and texted several times a day and knew what we were doing all the time. We still have tickets for concerts and things this summer that I'm guessing I should find someone else to go with. I know I should let him have his space and I'm doing that...although it was really difficult waking up this morning without seeing the good morning text I have gotten every single day for 5 1/2 years 🙁 Does is sound hopeful that he will see the grass is not greener on the other side or in your opinion did he just lose interest in us/me? Of course I got the "you did nothing wrong", you're a wonderful, sweet, smart, beautiful person. I just see us more as friends. In addition, I know it bothered him that I was overweight when we met. I lost a bunch of weight and although he says it has nothing to do with it, this is all coming about as I gained weight back. I really think and hope it's just a matter of us losing that spark after all these years and there are ways to get that back, but he says if it's right that spark should never go away. Any advice you could give would be appreciated. PS....I'm really most confused about him all of a sudden for the first time in his life flipping the switch and saying he wants "feelings".
I believed my husband of 23 yrs is going thru MLC as well but could you please tell me if my suspicion is right. My husband just turned 43yrs old. When he was a little boy his parents separated and he never saw his father again until last year before Thanksgiving when he saw him again in Facebook and he found out that he's got half brothers and sister. Something changed in him and then he start searching for his old high school friends including his ex in Facebook (they were 14/15 yrs old when they dated). When he saw her again in Facebook after he left the country 27 yrs ago they start communicating thru messenger. I also want to say that our marriage is not perfect; we have our ups and downs One day I read my husband messenger to her saying that he still have feelings for her. So I confronted him but he denies it. Then one Sunday morning he just told me that after 23 yrs of marriage that he only love one woman and it's not me....he only love is ex and still in love with her. I asked for chance to work things out but he told me that he was never happy and even tried to commit suicide a few times. How can this be happening? We just bought our dream house less than 2 yrs ago. By the way the other woman is out of the country. After he left the house he became so angry at me, telling me that we don't have a chance of getting back together. He wants divorce but wanted to wait for 6 months (don't know why). He was giving me a hard time financially. All he wanted to do is to go back to our country to see his dad and siblings and of course he wants to see HER too. He didn't care if we don't pay the mortgage or lose the house. He even threaten me that he's not coming back to United States once he go back to our country. He also keeps blaming his mom for growing without a parent and felt abandoned. He became a totally different person; I was totally blindsided by all of these. He even put the OW picture on his phone as a wallpaper; so disrespectful!!
After he served with divorced paper and I am now awarded with child/spousal support he turned 180 degrees around. He starts coming around and telling me that he misses me and that he still have feeling for me but no plans of coming back home. I think he just want to use me. He told me that he loves me but he loves HER more. I am so confused. I love and miss my husband so much and I've been blaming myself for what happened. Since he's been coming around and before he leaves the house he gives me a hug and we kissed but by doing this I know it's not helping me emotionally and it hurts every time I watch him leave. So last
week I told him that I don't want to see him anymore; I want to move on.
Raquel, Without speaking to your husband it is hard to determine exactly what is going on. It could be a mid-life crisis, or there could be other, deeper issues at hand. It certainly sounds like there are a lot of complex issues and feelings being experienced by the both of you. You need to do what is best for you, but if you decide to work toward saving your relationship I would recommend counseling. Your husband in particular may find counseling beneficial given his childhood. Best of luck. -Dr. Kurt
I've been with my husband for 23 years, married just shy of 15 years. My husband has been having an affair for 2 years with an ex-girlfriend. I found out about the affair a year ago and have been fighting tooth and nail to save our marriage. We don't have any children. She was married too and she has 3 teenage sons.
My husband presented me with divorce papers in May, told me he was not in love with me anymore and wants to marry HER. The divorce will be final in August. He now lives in CA with her.
To say im devastated is an understatement. I find it hard to believe that after all of these years together, after everything we've done and experienced together, that he has so easily replaced me. I feel like I've been erased.
I'm doing my best to move on with my life. I don't call him, and the only communication we have is when he texts me. I don't initiate the communication unless it's necessary.
It sounds stupid but I would still fight for my marriage if there was a chance. Do husbands every come back?
Buffy, I am sorry to hear about the difficulties you are experiencing. There is no easy answer to your question. Reconciliation takes a desire from both parties. If the two of you decide together to give things another chance then you might want to consider counseling. If you would like to reach out to me on your own, my contact information is at the top and bottom of the web page. -Dr. Kurt
I hadn't posted on here in along time. Things are no better for me.. I am getting a divorce. He now lives in his grandmothers house and he barely sees our children. He continues to drink, party and sleep around. I'm finally over it has took me a year and half but I have. It's been very hard. But he is a completely person than the person I knew. It's almost like I never knew him. I never thought he could be the person he is and do the things he's done.. especially to our children. He has destroyed my daughter and her happiness..
Wow. My story is the same as yours!!! Do you have an update? Thx. God Bless