Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
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When you're struggling with anything it's easy to feel like you're alone and the only one who feels that way.
But there isn’t a problem out there that someone else hasn’t also experienced, so I can assure you you're not alone, no matter what the problem is.
A midlife crisis is no exception.
There are many midlife crisis stories that are likely very similar to your own if that’s what you’re experiencing.
At Guy Stuff we work with both men and women who are dealing with midlife crisis. Although each story has its own unique narrative, there are many similarities.
Here's one midlife crisis story from a lonely, confused woman who’s desperately trying to understand what's happening with her man.
Hi Kurt, I am really confused about this whole midlife crisis story with my husband: I don't know where he is at in the stages of his midlife crisis/transition. He has been staying with his mother but he has also had more than one issue going on.
My husband (age 45) he had a total ankle replacement over a year ago. Was taking the narcotics and I have been noticing the change in him being distance and him not wanting sex, not wanting to communicate, etc. If it was not me every-time initiated it, he would like fold up in a ball like a baby and place blankets between us. I started reading into the signs and symptoms of the narcotics addiction and oh my gosh to my surprise, he was having all the signs and symptoms....unusual thoughts or behavior, fear, anxiety, confusion, sexual desires etc. I learned narcotics are sex drive killers.
Then in August I was sitting at work and decided to text him and I said 'Hello, how's your day? I have noticed you are not you is there something wrong?' And to my surprise he text me back, 'I don't want to be married anymore, I don't want to answer to anyone. I love you and the kids, I am lost, confused, angry and I try and control it, it's me, not you.' WOW! I started crying at my desk and thought, 'Oh my god this can not be happening.'
He started letting his hair grow and everyone has told him but me it looks like crap... :). He would not open up to me as I begged him to, 'What is wrong?" What did I do?' Our oldest daughter and grandchildren moved in with us in July 2014 and he was very upset that I let this happen, he yelled and screamed at me. Then he asked for a divorce, he loved me but he was not in love with me.
Then something clicked for me, he's having a 'Midlife Crisis/Transition' and being addicted to the pills. He was already living at his mom's, I asked him to come home several times that we could work on this and even asked if he would seek marriage counselling, and he said what good is that going to do. He will not even look me in the eyes when he talks to me, he will not communicate with me unless it has to do with him and him only. I will text him and say, 'Hello how are you?' Days he will not text me back. I have asked if there is someone else...He says No or Nope.
He is so secretive about what he does and how he does it. I am not chasing him. My sons and him had a hunt this weekend and he came to the house and got all the stuff ready. And just as they were leaving he would not look at me when he said it, but he said 'YOU LOOK NICE.' I have not heard those words in years.
I have done a lot of reading and I have also printed up papers for him to read stories about Midlife Crisis. He don't answer me if I ask questions. I am just crushed. 'Yikes' My husband acts as if he is a kid in a grown mans body.
I don't text him everyday. I give him space but am I doing the right things? I don't ask about our relationship or where it is going. He has not asked about divorcing. I don't know if he is having an affair that has not been made light of. I am so confused by the mixed signals he gives. He tells everyone to mind their own business.
And I have lost some weight since July when I had planned on losing some weight (I didn't do it for him, I did it for me) total of 40 pounds. As much as I have read on your website and all the useful information, I have educated myself as this is time for me as well: keep myself busy and also work on my love and compassion for others as well.
Please if you can shed some light, is there hope in my life? I will wait out the storm. Does he come to his senses? Wow!! By the way he has not given me back the key to the house, nor has he taken all his stuff." -Brenda J.
Brenda isn’t alone and her midlife crisis story is far from unique. There are many people, both women and men, who have similar stories and are equally as confused. Read on to see what I told Brenda.
I responded to Brenda with the following.
Below are my thoughts on some of the aspects of your experience that hopefully will help you better understand what's going on with your husband.
Having multiple issues happening at the same time isn’t uncommon. Often a midlife crisis is triggered by, or happens simultaneously with, something else – such as a health issue, like your husband's surgery, or a mental health issue, like his drug addiction.
This can make it confusing to discern what’s causing what.
For instance, is your husband's lack of interest in sex due to his narcotics abuse or is it the midlife crisis?
The answer is probably both.
He's confused too. His erratic, impulsive, emotionally driven behaviors are common symptoms of midlife crisis.
Telling you out of nowhere that he wants a divorce is typical as well.
I'm sure he meant it at the time, but it's very possible that he'll change his mind multiple times about this due to his uncertainty regarding what will truly make him happy.
Confusion for both partners is a common theme in stories of midlife crises.
There's also a contradiction in your story of his midlife crisis that you need to recognize.
He told you, "It's me, not you."
And you're asking him, "What did I do?"
I know you're trying to make sense of what's going on with him, but the truth is you won't be able to make total sense of it. Even he doesn't know what's going on.
But he's right that this is more him than it is you.
This doesn't mean you don't have things you could improve on to make your relationship better; rather it means that the core problem lies with him.
So, a better question to ask is, "What can I do to help?" rather than "What did I do?"
You wrote,
'YOU LOOK NICE.' I have not heard those words in years."
For many women these are magical words. And they probably are to you too.
Be very careful not to read into these words more meaning than they really have - like he's interested in getting back together.
He was probably just trying to say something nice to you and nothing more. I could be wrong, and if I am, you'll get other messages from him that show he's interested again. But until then you need to not add extra meaning to this statement.
You say you're not chasing him, and that's good because that's exactly what you shouldn't do.
However, even though you may not intend to, by giving him your research on male midlife crisis and asking him questions about it, you’re trying to fix him. And trying to fix it can be just as bad as chasing him.
It's totally understandable to be confused by the mixed signals he's giving. But his not following through on things is very common. For example, his saying he wants a divorce but not doing anything to make it happen is not unusual at all.
It's possible that he's having some type of an affair, or is doing something else that has his focus, but most often these distractions don't last.
The best thing you can do is to put your attention on taking care of and improving yourself, which it sounds like you're already doing.
If there are things he's told you in the past that bother him, such as caring for your health and appearance, or that you nag him, it would be a good idea to work on changing those things. But do it for yourself and not just because you want him back.
Will he come to his senses?
I can't tell you without talking to him.
The best thing you can do to influence that answer is to get the expert help you're seeking on being on this site.
Talking to a professional counselor with or without him is the next step, and one I'd strongly recommend so you can learn more about what to do in your specific midlife crisis journey.
All midlife crisis stories share many of the attributes that you've described. It’s a confusing and selfish time for the person experiencing it, and often even worse for the people who love them.
Even though you may feel alone and very confused, you're not – far from it.
Hopefully, Brenda’s midlife crisis experience helps you see and feel that. Sadly, many partners go through this.
The good news is that there’s hope.
A midlife crisis can be resolved and it’s possible for things to be better for both of you on the other side. You each may need help getting there, however.
It’s important to understand that not everyone in midlife experiences a crisis. Most of us as we go through those years will experiences changes in ourselves, our thoughts and priorities, but these can be managed and even positive.
A midlife crisis is much more serious and typically reveals long-standing problems that have been ignored, however, as is evidenced by Brenda’s story.
One of the biggest mistakes people in the middle of a midlife crisis make, both the person suffering from one and their partner, is going through it alone.
There’s much about a midlife crisis that can be embarrassing, so it's understandable that you don't want to tell anyone.
And besides, who can you tell that will really understand anyway?
There are professionals like myself who do get it though. Talking to one of us and getting support and guidance can make a huge difference in how you come out on the other side.
Unfortunately, midlife crisis is an all-too-common experience. The good news about this is that it means there’s support and wisdom to be found in what others have gone through in their midlife crisis stories.
Remember,
If you’re looking for more help and support for your own situation, check the over 200 comments below to read others midlife crisis stories. The shared experiences of the online Guy Stuff community can be both comforting and helpful.
Note: If you have a story about a midlife crisis, from a woman's or man's perspective, please share it in a comment below. The more we all share, the less alone we'll all feel.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published October 31, 2014, updated on January 20, 2020, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
One of the hardest parts of a midlife crisis is being the partner of the man in one.
Think a man in your life it going through a mid-life crisis? Learn the signs here.
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Hi Kurt...my husband actually left the house and has been gone for a year and a half...although he said he wasn’t happy he never leaves me alone...constant emailing and texting. I don’t answer him anymore because of all the abuse and blame thrown at me...he asked to come home a couple of times but without any regrets or responsibilities for his actions...I said no ..I’m a lot stronger now and feel I’m better off without a person who is cheating, lying, abusing, blaming, and generally a real bastard to me. This takes time to recover from and it wasn’t easy but I feel content and at peace with myself and my kids...it’s very sad this has happened but I certainly don’t want to be with someone who walk out on me...I know he wants to come home but he has lost my trust so I’m living and enjoying my life... I’m kinda liking it...for anyone going through this you will be fine...time heals and you will probably have the choice to take them back or not...I never thought I would say no to him coming home but I’m at peace now and that’s most important to me...now he can have all the space he wants!
Kathy, I am happy to hear you are doing well. Although I would like to see a marriage work, sometimes that just isn't possible. Certainly being treated poorly and/or abusive behavior should not be tolerated. I wish you all the best in your new chapter. -Dr. Kurt
I am on year 3 of my husbands MLC (he is 54, I am 50) and it has hit it's peak. The first year I realized what was happening and tried to be as understanding as I could. He did the typical things like becoming withdrawn, spent a lot of time sleeping and saying he was tired or depressed. I was constantly walking on eggshells while trying to stay upbeat. He then wanted to take more control over me and our life, leading into a D/s lifestyle. He said that this would keep him at home instead of cheating on me. I agreed to what I felt comfortable with while also knowing that this truly wasn't what he wanted, it was just grasping at straws. It did keep the communication flowing, so I give it that.
Last year things got much worse. Before we married 18 years ago, he said he felt he didn't have enough sexual encounters. I told him to do what he had to before we married, which he didn't. This topic kept coming up throughout the marriage but got worse. He started to talk about cuckqueening and having a girlfriend on the side in addition to our marriage. He had many breakdowns - crying, screaming, begging, cajoling. After a year of talking about this, I caved with some restrictions.
I found out a few months ago that he disregarded my restriction on NOT dating someone within our friend group. They have not slept together (she is in a relationship too) but they have gone out on dates, text regularly, flirt and email tons. He has now asked for a separation and I feel like a complete idiot for trying to be understanding. Even after he asked for a separation he would still try to hold my hand, hold me and still want to sleep in the same bed. I put a stop to that along with my understanding attitude.
At this point, I am focusing on myself. I am still confused as to what to do next. Honestly, I'd like to get into a bar fight with the woman and change the locks on the doors but that isn't practical. Do I contact a lawyer about divorce? Accept a separation and hope for a reconciliation? UGH - this MLC stuff is not fun.
Married 5 years, together 8 with 3 children each, from previous marriages, 12,13,14,17,18&21yrs old.
New Year's Eve it started for me. We were skating and I saw my wife (love of my life and best friend) skating as a couple with a friend of hers. I didn't think anything was going on except he was showing her some skating moves but I was jealous in a wave of panic. It didn't seem rational to feel this way because she has never given me any reason. About 15 minutes later I told her that I had those feelings and she recoiled in surprise. She had nothing to say but apparently asked her male friend if I should have been jealous? She didn't talk to me.
It shook me up. My previous ex had cheated on me several times. Since my current wife had never given me cause, I assumed that these feelings were left-over damage from my previous marriage. A few days later I asked her to lunch where I wanted to explain my feelings and my introspective thoughts. She was calm while I explained until I asked about her feelings.
She exploded like I had never heard pain from her. I hadn't kept my promises to help her financially. I acknowledged that we hadn't ever resolved our issues but we hadn't really discussed it. She explained that she had told me many times but I did nothing. I was waiting for her to get back with me while she was wanted me to take care of it. She put it on a credit card that was nearing its limit. I remembered this quite differently and she said that it was because I hadn't listened and I had poor listening skills. She said it been like this as long as she'd known me. She no longer loves me. WOW, I didn't have a clue.
Intimacy stopped immediately, previously weekly and now it's been nearly 4 months. She increased her adult skating to 4 nights a week and going out afterwards till 2am each night with her friends where I am not invited. She leaves me with the kids avoiding any time with me and my daughters. I reacted in panic that first month or two. I tried desperately to connect with her as she pulled further away. I read 5 books on the subject and learned a lot but she refused to work with me and insisted that I needed to improve with no feedback or possibility of a relationship. She doesn't want me to skate with her or her skate friends. She continued going to a skate night club without me. She can't show or feel empathy.
I saw a counsellor who helped me to stop pursuing her. My plan is to be the best husband possible and work on my communication skills. As far as I know I've done everything she has wanted me to do, though I am only human. She is supper critical and rarely acknowledges anything I do.
I know now, that before New Year's, I was partially jealous about her skating time with her male friends. She would skate with them and talk to them while she wouldn't do the same with me. I feel she replaced me with her friends even though no romance is exists with them. I don't believe she has ever lied to me but she keeps most uncomfortable subjects to herself. She was pulling away a few months before she blew.
She doesn't want to do marriage counselling. She only reluctantly said she wanted to do individual counselling to figure things out, but she isn't moving to set anything up. She thinks she can educate herself and fix herself. She's just avoiding everything that conflicts with her new lifestyle. Ironically we still sleep in the same bed and act as if everything is normal to the kids and friends. I think she knows that I'm good for the family but hasn't figured out how that works without loving me.
My husband of almost 27 years just told me three weeks ago that he is "dead inside" and doesn't wants to separate. We just bought property with a home four months ago and he will move there. I pinned him down on why he has been moving his stuff out there and not asked me to pack anything. He admitted he wanted to live there by himself. I am devastated! We have grown children and haven't told them yet. He wants to wait until after Christmas as to not "ruin the holidays" for them. What about me?
We were in marriage counseling three years ago but stopped going when my dad died suddenly. I wish we had continued. At that time, he said my weight and fitness were the root of his unhappiness. The counselor told him that was unfair and it was up to him to make his own happiness. Effective communication has never been our strong suit. I get too emotional and he gets angry. I will be starting counseling by myself.
I am giving him space but have made it known that I don't want a divorce. I want to work this out. He says it's nobody's fault that this has happened. By the way, he will be 50 next year, his career hasn't worked out like he wanted and he feels taken for granted by everyone.
I just don't know what to do! I have had some life threatening health scares recently, but have worked through them. I have also lost weight. I'm at the end of my rope!
Rebecca, I am sorry to hear about the tough times you are going through. You are doing the right thing by starting counseling. Focusing on you and your own health and happiness will help you in handling things. Without speaking to your husband I can't offer any real insight into what's going on, but it sounds like he is wrestling with his own issues that he needs to work through. Counseling would probably be a good idea for him too. All my best. -Dr. Kurt
My husband and I are both in our early 60s. We were married for 12 years and divorced this past summer. He still tells me he's not sure we've done the right thing. I made the mistake of making him the center of my life. I'd love to spend my life with him but he told me he doesn't think he ever really loved me enough to marry me. He loved the way I loved him. Ouch. Now he's interested in the gorgeous 30-something woman I've hired to work for me. He had a major health issue a year ago - recuperated fully. Sex has been on back burner for years but was reignited recently and was some of the best ever! So I think it all adds up to a diagnosis of late-life crisis. Just trying to figure out how to survive it and stay intact. I'm looking for a better paying job. Haven't worked for someone else in 12 years! Even as I write this it is becoming clearer.... I need to move on and take care of myself for once. Cannot imagine there's any going back now. Right?