Have you ever thought, My Wife Hates My Family? If so, you’re not alone. See what can cause Your Wife To Hate Your Family and what you can do about it.
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Do you know someone living in a loveless marriage? I do.
I dropped by Gwen’s house the other night for a quick visit. She was there alone. When I casually asked where her husband was she said she had no idea. My quizzical look prompted her to explain.
I have no idea where he is, and I really don’t care. Frankly, it’s easier when he’s not here. He just makes a mess and riles up the kids. I assume he will be home at some point tonight.”
I knew things between her and her husband were off, I just had no idea she was in a loveless marriage.
People have a variety of reasons for staying in a loveless marriage. Most often they’re related to children and/or finances.
But is staying in a marriage when you have fallen out of love really the right thing to do under any circumstances?
The answer?
It depends.
When they say “I do” most people don’t believe that their marriage will at some point become hard.
They only see the love story and fairytale. Imagining the day when kids have worn you down, there’s too much stress at work, and your spouse is infuriating, is too far off, or they assume,
“It will never happen to me.”
(It will)
Of course, it’s not just stressful times that can cause your marriage to feel loveless.
Even if your love is strong, all relationships go through ups and downs.
Those big, romantic emotions that you feel at the beginning of your marriage can (and do) change over time – for all relationships.
That doesn’t mean the love is gone, but it does mean you need to make additional effort and potentially redefine what you want and need from your spouse.
Unfortunately, for some, life’s circumstances and changes can be too much. When they find themselves in a loveless marriage they have a hard time seeing any options for change.
Whether you stay in a marriage or leave is a very personal decision that requires a lot of soul searching and practical considerations. No one can make that decision for you, but there are some things that you need to think about.
Before you declare your marriage over, take some time to consider why it feels loveless and when that started.
In Gwen’s case there was a break down in the “fun” they used to have together.
When they got married they both enjoyed being adventurous and doing things outdoors, but when they had children she no longer wanted to do those things. As a result, resentment built and they drifted apart.
Marriage requires give and take, and life demands you make changes and modify expectations in order to make progress.
If you’re living in a loveless marriage it’s likely that you and your spouse need to reconsider what you want and need from each other and your relationship.
Ask yourself the following questions.
Once you’re satisfied with your answers, consider having your spouse answer these questions as well. Then take time to discuss your answers.
Yes, it absolutely can.
There are several ways to fall in love with your partner all over again. It’s a process, however, and doesn’t happen overnight.
Often, the love isn’t really gone, it’s just buried under life.
Uncovering and reviving it involves rediscovering each other and creating a new normal. It can be difficult, but it’s not impossible.
If you can see there’s hope but don’t know how to make it a reality, you should strongly consider marriage counseling. Finding your way back to each other and a healthy relationship can require an experienced guide.
Unfortunately, for some, the path to bringing the love back may be completely gone and they truly are living in a marriage without love. If that is the case the decisions become more difficult.
If you’ve determined that there’s really no love in your marriage, but you’re staying together because of children or finances, there are several things to take into account.
Your children
You are your children’s ultimate teacher. What they grow up with is what they will consider normal and therefore expect and accept as normal for their own relationships.
So, consider what you want for them. Do you want them to have the same type of relationship that you have?
If you’re staying in a loveless marriage for the children, happiness and compatibility between you and your partner is key.
Doing things poorly or allowing the children to see you constantly unhappy and arguing can cause more damage than splitting up.
Your Spouse
There may not be any love left between you, but hopefully there’s still some respect and caring.
Have you considered what your spouse may want?
Deciding the way your relationship operates without the buy-in of your partner is unfair and will likely breed resentment and arguments.
You
As they say, life is short. Is this really the way you want to live? For some the answer’s yes.
The life they’ve created works and fulfills most of the things they need and want.
The key to that statement is most.
Living in a loveless marriage means you’re sacrificing, well, love.
Is that really something you’re willing to give up forever?
The bottom line is that living in a loveless marriage for functional or parenting reasons requires thought and conversation.
You’ll need to discuss the structure of your relationship and parameters. And, especially when children are involved, agreements on how to be the best family possible as you raise them.
A word of warning:
Deciding a marriage is ‘loveless’ doesn’t make cheating or having an affair okay.
If the choice is to remain in the marriage the vows you took still apply unless as a couple you’ve agreed otherwise. Some, for instance, try an open marriage in hopes that it will make things better. Spoiler alert – it won’t.
If you’re staying in a loveless marriage out of fear, you’re in a bad situation.
Fear can paralyze the best of us. In a relationship, it’s not a reason to stay, however.
In fact, it is the opposite – it’s a strong reason to leave.
Fear comes in many forms, the most common in this situation is fear of change.
Being afraid to be on your own or disrupt the status quo isn’t a good reason to stay in a marriage. If you feel strongly that you would be happier apart, but you don’t know how to do it, it’s time to consider counseling.
A counselor can help you determine what really scares you and find your self-confidence.
Dr. Kurt deals with this subject quite a bit in his practice. According to him,
Fear is probably the biggest reason people stay in loveless marriages. And while there can be many things to fear, change is usually the biggest. The majority of people I’ve counseled over the years who’ve been able to muster the courage and strength to push through their fears have found amazing discoveries on the other side. You won't know what those rewards will be ahead of time though, so it takes a step of faith. Facing our fears is one of the ways we can best love ourselves when our partners won't."
If you're scared for your safety or the safety of your children, however, getting help and staying safe is imperative.
There’s nothing that makes a relationship with physical or emotional abuse acceptable. If you’re suffering in this way, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233 and get help.
If you’re in a loveless marriage there are some key things to consider so you can make the changes that are right for you.
Living in a loveless marriage isn’t something that anyone wants. Sadly, the fairytale of love everlasting is not true for many, as in Gwen’s case.
Deciding what to do is a personal decision that no one can make but you. So, if you find yourself living in a loveless marriage consider very carefully what you really want and need.
Ultimately your happiness is yours to control and define.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published January 11, 2018, updated on September 13, 2022, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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I've been in a loveless marriage for a while, but nine months ago, after therapy went nowhere, my wife and I sat down and agreed that we were done and only staying together for the kids. We get along fine and the kids don't know yet, but I just wish there was some sort of support group for people in our situation. It would make it easier.
A loveless marriage for the last 10 or so years. Grown children 1 still living at home. Been married since 1982. Money and health insurance is the only reason to stay married. It was her infidelity that caused this. No Counselor
I am the other side of the same coin James. Married 30 years, loveless probably 15. He’s distant, can’t keep an erection, I’m to blame for everything wrong in his life but without his health insurance I most likely wouldn’t live long, without his income I’d lose my home. Which I paid cash for myself stupidly agreed to a mortgage to bail him out of the mess created by his cheating with a con artist.
Great resource 👍
Why would anybody continue staying in a loveless marriage for 35 years thinking that your spouse will one day shows in love and affection?