What can you do if You Are Living In A Loveless Marriage? Learn important questions you should be asking if Your Marriage Is Loveless. Love can come back.
What every wife fears the most is the other woman in my marriage. Whether it happens intentionally or innocently, the effect of another woman’s involvement in your marriage is still the same -- it's destructive.
As we all know, the technology we carry around with us gives us instant access to a lot of things that can become problems for us. One example is the ability to communicate with anyone, anywhere, anytime, which makes having another woman in your marriage something everyone is vulnerable to.
Re-connection with old girlfriends through sites like Facebook, or the ability for text exchanges to become too personal and intimate can pose a real problem for a relationship. These things can start in a very innocent way and escalate quickly, especially if there are already issues in the marriage.
A man I started counseling recently is struggling in his marriage. In fact, he and his wife have decided to separate. Alec doesn't realize it, but the other woman in his life is also in his marriage. The relationship with this other woman started innocently enough, as it usually does. Not all people go out looking to cheat, in fact most don’t -- for many it kind of just happens.
For Alec, it started out with talking to a female coworker at work during breaks. At first it was just friendly conversation about work and what was in the news. Before long he was telling her about his unhappiness at home. As she showed more interest and concern, he told her more and more about his marriage and dissatisfaction with his wife. Although he didn't set out looking for it, he ended up having an affair with her. This had very little to do with a desire for a sexual relationship and a great deal to do with the emotional connection that they forged. This kind of connection is what can push people into taking things one step further and feeling like their behavior is justified.
Some of the men I counsel never even sleep with the other woman, but that doesn't mean an emotional affair isn't cheating or doesn't have a negative impact on their marriage or significant other. Unfortunately, most men and women in these situations do end up succumbing to the sexual temptation and have a sexual affair. This makes putting the marriage back together all the more challenging -- although not impossible.
Alec told me his relationship with the other woman "probably has influenced" his marriage and decision to separate from his wife. I had to stop and correct him, not "probably," but "definitely" it has. How could it not?
Unhappy husbands who bring the other woman into their marriage believe the new relationship helps them see what a different, better, happier relationship could be like. But what it really gives them is an inaccurate comparison that is unfair to their wife and marriage. Regardless of the problems you have with your partner, the other woman is always going to be more appealing because the relationship is new, in the honeymoon stage, and without the history you have with your spouse. Remember, your relationship with your wife probably felt very similar in the beginning.
Here's another example of what the other woman in my marriage can look like:
My husband and I have been married for only 5 months and we are having problems. I loved him so much and I married him, but after only 2 months of happiness together I found messages on his phone that he was communicating with his ex-girlfriend. He was surprised when I blew up. He said its just words and he didn't actually go around sleep her. I am hurt and angry that he is talking to her and ignoring me. My husband hates me for how I have reacted and he wants to separate."
It's not just men who can bring another person into the marriage either - women can be just as guilty. One of my patients once told me:
I've been with my wife for 18 years and I found out she is talking to another man on the internet, they have not had sex, but she says she loves him and no longer loves me. How can I get her back?"
And it's not always a romantic relationship that brings the other woman into the marriage, other types of relationships can also interfere:
My wife of 20 years has just moved out and we have two kids. One reoccurring argument is that she is always with her older sister. Her sister will call and my wife leaves on a Friday afternoon and does not return till 10:00 or 11:00 the next day. When I confront her on this she say's I'm controlling and that I don't want her spending time with her sister. That's not it, I have no problem with that, with them it's twice a week, she's her best friend and sole mate, something I wish I was in her eye's, but I can't & won't even try to compete with that, they are each others safety net for life or something."
The other woman in my marriage isn't always what we would expect. It's not always a woman, it can be a man too, and it doesn't even have to be a romantic interest either, a mother, sibling, or friend who is too involved in a spouse's life robs the partner and can destroy the relationship also.
Marriage is a commitment between two people to share their lives together. And while outside interests and friendships are important, they should not take away or replace anything from the marriage itself.
Problems in a marriage are normal -- all marriages go through rocky phases. The difference between those that survive and those that don’t is the way you handle those things. Bringing another woman into your marriage (or anyone for that matter) will not help. Even though it feels good, it will only make things worse.
So before you find yourself wondering, "how did we get here?" or "who is the other woman in my marriage?", consider taking some preventative measures. Working on your relationship now can save you and your spouse a lot of heartache later.
Please share your thoughts about the other woman in your marriage in a comment below. There are more than 50 comments from other readers -- check them out and see what others have to say.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published June 19, 2015 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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Hi.
Ok. Can't cry anymore. Hoarse and spent. So writing might be a better bet. I am harboring a mad-on right now. I am pissed because I loved my husband and my marriage. It was in a valley as all marriages tend to find themselves at one point or another. We are in counseling and were trying to work through a few impasses.
Well, today was the saddest day of my life. There really are no words to encapsulate the raw pain of watching my husband, my man, my lover, my best friend, and my soulmate carry his belongings to the truck we just recently bought together and drive off. He bought a mattress set today too. The mattress he will sleep on with his new tramp (who seduced him on a work related trip). And yeah.. I am well aware that no one forced him up to her room. Oh did I forget to mention that he also tried to replace me in that department as well? My bad. Yeah, seems when it rains it really does pour. And I thought he was going to work... to work.
You see, my husband got a loft today with a 1 year lease. He is moving out of our beautiful home and out of my life. Saddest part for me? I love him as much as I did when I first met him. Admittedly....not liking him much these days though.
A mere month ago he was professing his love for me.. We just recently celebrated our 20th. So 24 years of my life have been devoted to loving and caring for this man. This man who walked out on me 4 times in as many months. Until 2 weeks ago when he walked out for good. Never even said goodbye. And never even looked back. He just walked out and has never slept here again. We never ever did that to one another before. Once leaving becomes 'an option'... there is really no need to stay and work on things.
This same man whose affair was discovered a few weeks ago by my finding my new 'replacements' love letters mixed in with my love letters to my husband. How rude!
Within two shorts weeks: He abandoned me, Left his ring on the nightstand (the one time he dropped in to get something he wanted.) I found her cheating notes to him with their affair spelled out in full sexual explicit detail. I sat on the floor and felt all the blood drain from my extremities. Wanted to die. And poof.. he was gone. Not even an I'm sorry. Not even an iota of remorse. Later.. just a remark that he has done nothing wrong!!!
So there you have it. My pain lives on. He took so much away from my life. I had no warning, no time to come to grips with it. I have bad panic disorder and so he wore a lot of hats for me, my husband did. He told me he would hold me until the panic subsided. And he did.. until he didn't anymore. He told me he would hold my hand forever. And he did.. until he didn't anymore. He told me he would love me always... until he went to bed with someone else and then he didn't.
I trusted him. And he betrayed that trust. And I just feel duped...
Hi.
Well here I am back again with an update... er.. rant: Sorry.
My husband has just taken out a lease on a loft for a year. A loft to share with the slut who felt entitled to seduce my husband on a work related trip knowing they are both married. And before you even give it a second thought.. he is even more to blame than she. She is a conniving, manipulative, entitled human being who felt her own marriage slipping away and from across the room spotted my husband, wearing the nice clothes that I helped him recently pick out. Inviting him up to her hotel room. And him unable to just say no.
So now he just purchased a 1,700.00 mattress for his romps with her while I sit home enduring waves of panic attacks dominating my life and my sleep. I am in shock. I am devastated that my best friend, lover, partner, husband, comforter, stimulator, trail rider, picnic sharer, companion, confidante, sexual partner and love have left.
I am angry and distraught. I am cried out. Been crying now for almost 3 months. 'Keening' the last 3-4 weeks nightly. Nothing seems to take away this pain.
She sits in the new truck that was bought for us to share. She holds the hand that was promised to me. She sleeps in the bed that is half paid for by me.
She thinks she won him. Like a prize at the fair. She told me she would be relentless in getting him fully now.
What she got was the broken piecces of the man I had. I had him when he was the best. I had him when he was whole and full of integrity and kindness, morals, and bursting with love.
She has some lust from him. But the whole man.. my man.. will never be her man.
You can never have what doesn't belong to you. Our souls were bonded in marriage. He is confused. And when he wakes up? If he wakes up?
Danni,
I know how you feel.
My husband left me, told me he feels nothing, cut off all contact & then moved in with his new GF.
He left me 5 1/2 months ago & has been with her for about 4 1/2 of those.
I hope they both get a karmic a**e kicking & I hope I get to watch.
Hello,
I know this is an older post but I came across it while researching my own situation.
I found out this past week my husband of 9 years liked/loved a co-worker. It took place two years ago and I just found out. I came across a "secret" email account on his phone and in it was a "draft" of erotic and in love poetry he wrote and sent this woman.
He said it never became physical and he didn't spend time alone with her at work. It was over work emails, work instant messenger and occasionally up at her desk (she was the receptionist).
During this time I was pregnant and gave birth to our now two year old son.
He said he doesn't know if she felt the same way, he was just just sharing his art of writing with a fellow writer (who never wrote him poetry) and that his writings made him fantasize about her and through that he developed feelings.
He swears he was/is happy in our marriage he just got carried away artistically.
What is one to do with this info?
April, That would be disappointing to find out, and you will have to decide if you believe him or not. I have seen couples overcome emotional affairs, but it does take some work, and almost always with a professional counselor. -Kurt
I have been in my relationship for 15 years.NOT MARRIED!.I know some of you's will be thinking this page is only for married couples.Might as well say we are married without the RING!.Anyway 13 months ago me and my partner seperated for 6 months we both couldn't see eye to eye,it was ugly for 2 weeks before i decided to make the move into my new house.We both have 2 children together, i had my eldest daughter living with me the youngest living with her father.From time to time we would have dinner at each others places,talk about finacially issues etc...got along really well,strange but true,maybe we both needed a BREAK. I thought this might be a chance for us to get back together.I started talking to him about giving me another chance,he was a bit hesitant because of how our break up ended (Understandable i guess)no one cheated while we were still living together.He thought it through we talked often about getting back together and than it happened.We are now living as couple again and have been for 14 months, it was a bit rough at first arguing,not talking to one another and so on...Only in the last 2 months we have been communicating properly,and getting along really well.Three days ago he thought he had logged out of his email account,this is when i found out he was seeing this OT who i know.I had my suspicions last year when we were arguing that there must be someone else (should always trust your GUT!) sure enough.I'm at this stage of not knowing how to approach the situation do i let it go?NOT ADDRESS IT,because he's been more attentive towards me and open.Mind you i have been paying more attention to him maybe that is something he was lacking,i know this is no excuse for him talking to this other girl and meeting up with her.I'm confused unsure.Would you say something while things are good ATM?..Any replies are welcomed
Shello, This site is for anyone having relationship problems, regardless of marital status. I'm glad you found it and were able to reach out. You have to decide if his behavior is acceptable to you. Trust is the foundation of any relationship. Finding a local professional couples counselor might be a good idea to figure out how to confront the situation and deal with it. -Kurt