What can you do if You Are Living In A Loveless Marriage? Learn important questions you should be asking if Your Marriage Is Loveless. Love can come back.
What every wife fears the most is the other woman in my marriage. Whether it happens intentionally or innocently, the effect of another woman’s involvement in your marriage is still the same -- it's destructive.
As we all know, the technology we carry around with us gives us instant access to a lot of things that can become problems for us. One example is the ability to communicate with anyone, anywhere, anytime, which makes having another woman in your marriage something everyone is vulnerable to.
Re-connection with old girlfriends through sites like Facebook, or the ability for text exchanges to become too personal and intimate can pose a real problem for a relationship. These things can start in a very innocent way and escalate quickly, especially if there are already issues in the marriage.
A man I started counseling recently is struggling in his marriage. In fact, he and his wife have decided to separate. Alec doesn't realize it, but the other woman in his life is also in his marriage. The relationship with this other woman started innocently enough, as it usually does. Not all people go out looking to cheat, in fact most don’t -- for many it kind of just happens.
For Alec, it started out with talking to a female coworker at work during breaks. At first it was just friendly conversation about work and what was in the news. Before long he was telling her about his unhappiness at home. As she showed more interest and concern, he told her more and more about his marriage and dissatisfaction with his wife. Although he didn't set out looking for it, he ended up having an affair with her. This had very little to do with a desire for a sexual relationship and a great deal to do with the emotional connection that they forged. This kind of connection is what can push people into taking things one step further and feeling like their behavior is justified.
Some of the men I counsel never even sleep with the other woman, but that doesn't mean an emotional affair isn't cheating or doesn't have a negative impact on their marriage or significant other. Unfortunately, most men and women in these situations do end up succumbing to the sexual temptation and have a sexual affair. This makes putting the marriage back together all the more challenging -- although not impossible.
Alec told me his relationship with the other woman "probably has influenced" his marriage and decision to separate from his wife. I had to stop and correct him, not "probably," but "definitely" it has. How could it not?
Unhappy husbands who bring the other woman into their marriage believe the new relationship helps them see what a different, better, happier relationship could be like. But what it really gives them is an inaccurate comparison that is unfair to their wife and marriage. Regardless of the problems you have with your partner, the other woman is always going to be more appealing because the relationship is new, in the honeymoon stage, and without the history you have with your spouse. Remember, your relationship with your wife probably felt very similar in the beginning.
Here's another example of what the other woman in my marriage can look like:
My husband and I have been married for only 5 months and we are having problems. I loved him so much and I married him, but after only 2 months of happiness together I found messages on his phone that he was communicating with his ex-girlfriend. He was surprised when I blew up. He said its just words and he didn't actually go around sleep her. I am hurt and angry that he is talking to her and ignoring me. My husband hates me for how I have reacted and he wants to separate."
It's not just men who can bring another person into the marriage either - women can be just as guilty. One of my patients once told me:
I've been with my wife for 18 years and I found out she is talking to another man on the internet, they have not had sex, but she says she loves him and no longer loves me. How can I get her back?"
And it's not always a romantic relationship that brings the other woman into the marriage, other types of relationships can also interfere:
My wife of 20 years has just moved out and we have two kids. One reoccurring argument is that she is always with her older sister. Her sister will call and my wife leaves on a Friday afternoon and does not return till 10:00 or 11:00 the next day. When I confront her on this she say's I'm controlling and that I don't want her spending time with her sister. That's not it, I have no problem with that, with them it's twice a week, she's her best friend and sole mate, something I wish I was in her eye's, but I can't & won't even try to compete with that, they are each others safety net for life or something."
The other woman in my marriage isn't always what we would expect. It's not always a woman, it can be a man too, and it doesn't even have to be a romantic interest either, a mother, sibling, or friend who is too involved in a spouse's life robs the partner and can destroy the relationship also.
Marriage is a commitment between two people to share their lives together. And while outside interests and friendships are important, they should not take away or replace anything from the marriage itself.
Problems in a marriage are normal -- all marriages go through rocky phases. The difference between those that survive and those that don’t is the way you handle those things. Bringing another woman into your marriage (or anyone for that matter) will not help. Even though it feels good, it will only make things worse.
So before you find yourself wondering, "how did we get here?" or "who is the other woman in my marriage?", consider taking some preventative measures. Working on your relationship now can save you and your spouse a lot of heartache later.
Please share your thoughts about the other woman in your marriage in a comment below. There are more than 50 comments from other readers -- check them out and see what others have to say.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published June 19, 2015 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
What can you do if You Are Living In A Loveless Marriage? Learn important questions you should be asking if Your Marriage Is Loveless. Love can come back.
Have you ever thought, My Wife Hates My Family? If so, you’re not alone. See what can cause Your Wife To Hate Your Family and what you can do about it.
Is there No Intimacy In Your Marriage? Find out what you can do about Lack of Marriage Intimacy.
© 2026 Guy Stuff Counseling & Coaching, APC, All Rights Reserved.
Privacy Policy | Sitemap | Do Not Sell or Share My Information
Featured logos are trademarks of their respective owners.
Hi Kurt, any advice on this situation would be greatly appreciated..my partner is a malignant narcissist he only thinks of himself, but if I threaten to leave or kick him out he straightens up. He was terrible to his first wife, she was gorgeous and very young and he cheated with another woman behind her back because he stated he needed someone more mature sexually. She informed me he was a jerk. Well to cut the story short he likes to exploit younger beautiful women and try to talk them into little "flings" he doesn't seem the harm in getting his jollies off. He believes most older women need to cook, clean, raise the kids, work, and leave him alone. Of to which he does to me. He even had one gal contemplating suicide after he messed with her head. Nothing is ever his fault. He also thinks women are "useless" after menopause. I'm stupid for tolerating his crap, but he blames these other women for being naïve or too easy. Any advice?
CJ, His actions are his own responsibility. Only you can decide whether or not his actions are acceptable to you. See some of the articles in the subjects Cheating Souse and Relationship Advice on the right of this page for some ideas and suggestions. -Kurt
My husband asked me for a divorce on March 19th. The first couple of days we didn't really talk he went out of state to work. Mind you his job does require him to travel. In the time he was away we started to talk and when he came back in town we had sex 4 times. The sex was very passionate and it felt like we were really connecting. But whenever I was bringing up our problems he shut down. He doesn't want to talk about it. Our problems are mainly that I wasn't showing him the love and respect that he deserved. I had stopped being the wife that he married and I became very selfish and lazy in our love. He is away again for work and we have talked everyday. When I told him that I miss him I asked him if he missed me. He said kind of but that he didn't want to. He shut down after I asked him why. He said that it's great that I've noticed what I've done and that I'm trying to change but that there's some things that can't be fixed. I am so scared of losing him I love that man with all of my heart. I am making a conscious effort everyday to show him that I am the woman still that he married almost seven years ago. How can I get my husband to Love Me Again?
Brenny, This sounds complicated. Seeing a professional marriage counselor might be wise in this situation. Even if he won't go with you, it works when only one spouse goes. Read the articles in the Love Is Gone and Marriage Problems sections on the right of this page for more ideas and suggestions. -Kurt
Hi Brenny, just wanted to say I feel for you, and that this is probably just the beginning so brace yourself, and go and get yourself as much ammunition as you can in the form of a counsellor! I've been where you are now just over 12 months ago - a lot is resonating. I think the sex feels connected/passionate/intimate because you're trying to please as well as get as close as you can... I did the same once or twice but then I realised it wasn't a good idea so I stopped. Men think differently. Women want to get close where for a man its just sex and it won't change his mind. The shutting down is because he's probably made up his mind for now but feels extreme guilt. Every situation is so different but I think the best thing you can do is accept what he's saying for now, then start looking after you. Keep yourself busy, join some groups or start a hobby, lean on your friends and family and learn how to be happy in your own. Do it for yourself but also show him how amazing you are. It might get him thinking... Or it might not. But hold onto your love for him, and don't let him treat you with disrespect or walk all over you. From my experience, he may change he's mind and realise he's made a mistake. I'm there now and the last horrible 12 months have been worth it to get to where we are now. Look after yourself, meditate, yoga, gym etc. but the one thing that will really help is to see a really good counsellor. It was the single best thing I did! I would have been in the loony bin of I didn't. The one positive I got out of this mess was realising how bloody strong and amazing I am on my own! It's empowering! Wishing strength and love, Esther
Hi Esther, I'm in the same boat. Going on 8 months now. It's so much worse than it was. Can I ask you though, was your husband involved in an affair as well? My husband is having an affair and has been for the entire 8 months. It doesn't seem to be slowing down and he moved out a month ago.
Update.....I thought my problems in my marriage were my fault. I was working 60 hours a week, cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids. I thought I wasn't showing him enough love and attention. Here I found out the real deal from his daughter who was 19 at the time she told me this. Here my husband was having an affair with his ex wife for over a year. She was telling him that I must be cheating on him because there was no way I could be working that much. She lied to him over and over again. And he was dumb enough to believe her. The reason he wanted a divorce was because he knew if I found out that I would leave him. After his daughter told me, I confronted him and he denied it at first. Then I told him dont make me call your ex wife. So then he finally admitted to the affair. All of the blaming myself wad ridiculous. I never strayed, I never did anything but put our family first. All of our problems that he let me believe for 6 months were my fault were actually his guilt from his ongoing affair. I was blind to it. No longer. We are still together, after 3 years of constant struggles and yet another affair with his ex girlfriend this time. We still struggle but I am hopeful that we can work through things. We have gotten better at communication and as far as I know he is staying faithful. I now know the signs he gives off when he is doing something he shouldn't be doing. And now I trust my gut more than ever. At the end of the day, I am just trusting that he truly does want things to work with us because he has shown me in the last few months that he is serious about us and our marriage. He has a lot of personal issues stemming from his childhood and he has emotional intimacy issues as well. But I truly believe that we can work through this together. He has seen in the last few years that I take the vows we made to each other seriously. And i believe that is what made him see that he can trust me not to hurt him even though he has hurt me. We are still a work in progress, but each day we are getting better and stronger. I know that there are some who will think I am crazy for staying...but each of us has a choice. And you just have to decide what is best for you and your family. No one else can make that choice for you. And each choice has its own consequences and rewards. I happen to believe I have made the right choice for myself and my family. There has been pain and tears but there has also been a growth within our marriage....and our reward has been love.
Hi Colleen, Sorry to hear it is getting worse. Yes my H was. His father passed away, he entered some sort of crisis (early mid life maybe? He's 38) and spiraled out of control. Reverted back to a teenager, probably 16 or thereabouts, and decided on a FB affair with his friend's sister who lived in Singapore (we live in Melbourne, Australia). Things escalated and I asked him to move out. He moved into a mutal friend's house which became a bit like a frat house. Both drinking in excess, immature behavior etc. and he decided to bow out of our marriage. I cut off all contact for a long time - four months being the first period of NC. we then met to discuss financial stuff and then again I cut him off for a long time. All in all a good seven months was spent on having NC with him. During these periods he went crazy. Constantly contacting me about odd things, telling me he loved me blah blah blah, but while he continued on with his affair I would not have a bar of him. In July he ended the affair - the first step to sorting himself out. August he came to me and said he'd made a mistake - another step, but he was only halfway there. December he moved out of friend's house and got himself an apartment. Now he sees a counsellor and is 'sorting himself out'. He trying to mend bridges with friends - his and mine. I am pretty confident that we'll be ok but we are taking it slowly. We still live apart but have talked about moving back in together. We have also been away on a holiday and will be going on another in six weeks time. From what I have read, a true MLC can take years to sort out - some say seven years!!!! I have been on other forums and have been told that my H is still in the depths of it, and what is happening now isn't real, he's just scared etc. but at the end of the day all our stories are different, and you need to go with your gut instinct and do what is right for you. Two things that really helped me last year is seeing a counsellor - best thing I did, and also cutting contact. Seems harsh I know but it wasn't about punishment, it was about preserving my mental health. NC gives you strength to go on, but it is also about respect for yourself in that you won't be his doormat. I think bad behavior won't change unless there's a reason to. Maybe he has the best both worlds - wife when he wants and OW. Who knows what goes through their heads! I had very low periods, but I do look back on last year in an odd kind of fondness. It was a year that was about finding myself, and realising how strong I am really am. As they say, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger - so true. Best of luck Colleen and everyone else on here.
Hi there. Im a young mom of three, have been with my fiance for eight years. He has been battling addiction with alcoholism for most of that and in the past two years cocaine. Our relationship has been a very hard one. One night i had to call the police as i had enough for mine amd my children's well being, and he needed to hit rock bottom as everything ive tried never helped in persuading him to get clean. He finally told me he loved me and the kids and wanted us in his everyday life and decided to go to rehab. He started with detox and that was for only a week. He wasn't allowed to talk to anyone outside of detox for that week. When i picked him up he spoke highly of another "female" addict he was concerned for and felt bad for. I listened to gim for a few days and finally told him my discomfort in him speaking with you. Honestly without telling him it bothered me as he never showed that level of concern for me or provided emotional support lile he did her. He said he would stop talking to her. A month went by and hes loving amazing new adictied from sobriety changed towards me. I couldn't understand what was going on. Finally another man who is in rehab with him ccontacted me and told me he still talks to this girl, and sometimes sees her at meetings. I was crushed. The damage from his addiction was starting to heal and i was feeling secure and able to start trusting him again until this. I confronted him. He says they are just friends but he will stop talking to her. But it still eats at me. Ive talked to him about it and have made a couple of comments. But even though im still bothered should i drop it? Major thing that is eating at me is that we arr in different cities now that he is getting help. And she goes to the same meetings. He is there for another two months. Ive been through hell with the man i love for eight years. He has cheated beffore. Should i keep it to myself that he has only known this girl for a month but it bothers me he talks like he has such respect and concern for her?
Ashley, That's great he realized he needed help and sought out help. Addiction is a big thing to deal with, and it's natural that he would want to talk to those going through what he is. You can't control what he is doing, only your reaction to it. Be patient - changes can be very hard to make and it takes time. -Kurt