What can you do if You Are Living In A Loveless Marriage? Learn important questions you should be asking if Your Marriage Is Loveless. Love can come back.
What every wife fears the most is the other woman in my marriage. Whether it happens intentionally or innocently, the effect of another woman’s involvement in your marriage is still the same -- it's destructive.
As we all know, the technology we carry around with us gives us instant access to a lot of things that can become problems for us. One example is the ability to communicate with anyone, anywhere, anytime, which makes having another woman in your marriage something everyone is vulnerable to.
Re-connection with old girlfriends through sites like Facebook, or the ability for text exchanges to become too personal and intimate can pose a real problem for a relationship. These things can start in a very innocent way and escalate quickly, especially if there are already issues in the marriage.
A man I started counseling recently is struggling in his marriage. In fact, he and his wife have decided to separate. Alec doesn't realize it, but the other woman in his life is also in his marriage. The relationship with this other woman started innocently enough, as it usually does. Not all people go out looking to cheat, in fact most don’t -- for many it kind of just happens.
For Alec, it started out with talking to a female coworker at work during breaks. At first it was just friendly conversation about work and what was in the news. Before long he was telling her about his unhappiness at home. As she showed more interest and concern, he told her more and more about his marriage and dissatisfaction with his wife. Although he didn't set out looking for it, he ended up having an affair with her. This had very little to do with a desire for a sexual relationship and a great deal to do with the emotional connection that they forged. This kind of connection is what can push people into taking things one step further and feeling like their behavior is justified.
Some of the men I counsel never even sleep with the other woman, but that doesn't mean an emotional affair isn't cheating or doesn't have a negative impact on their marriage or significant other. Unfortunately, most men and women in these situations do end up succumbing to the sexual temptation and have a sexual affair. This makes putting the marriage back together all the more challenging -- although not impossible.
Alec told me his relationship with the other woman "probably has influenced" his marriage and decision to separate from his wife. I had to stop and correct him, not "probably," but "definitely" it has. How could it not?
Unhappy husbands who bring the other woman into their marriage believe the new relationship helps them see what a different, better, happier relationship could be like. But what it really gives them is an inaccurate comparison that is unfair to their wife and marriage. Regardless of the problems you have with your partner, the other woman is always going to be more appealing because the relationship is new, in the honeymoon stage, and without the history you have with your spouse. Remember, your relationship with your wife probably felt very similar in the beginning.
Here's another example of what the other woman in my marriage can look like:
My husband and I have been married for only 5 months and we are having problems. I loved him so much and I married him, but after only 2 months of happiness together I found messages on his phone that he was communicating with his ex-girlfriend. He was surprised when I blew up. He said its just words and he didn't actually go around sleep her. I am hurt and angry that he is talking to her and ignoring me. My husband hates me for how I have reacted and he wants to separate."
It's not just men who can bring another person into the marriage either - women can be just as guilty. One of my patients once told me:
I've been with my wife for 18 years and I found out she is talking to another man on the internet, they have not had sex, but she says she loves him and no longer loves me. How can I get her back?"
And it's not always a romantic relationship that brings the other woman into the marriage, other types of relationships can also interfere:
My wife of 20 years has just moved out and we have two kids. One reoccurring argument is that she is always with her older sister. Her sister will call and my wife leaves on a Friday afternoon and does not return till 10:00 or 11:00 the next day. When I confront her on this she say's I'm controlling and that I don't want her spending time with her sister. That's not it, I have no problem with that, with them it's twice a week, she's her best friend and sole mate, something I wish I was in her eye's, but I can't & won't even try to compete with that, they are each others safety net for life or something."
The other woman in my marriage isn't always what we would expect. It's not always a woman, it can be a man too, and it doesn't even have to be a romantic interest either, a mother, sibling, or friend who is too involved in a spouse's life robs the partner and can destroy the relationship also.
Marriage is a commitment between two people to share their lives together. And while outside interests and friendships are important, they should not take away or replace anything from the marriage itself.
Problems in a marriage are normal -- all marriages go through rocky phases. The difference between those that survive and those that don’t is the way you handle those things. Bringing another woman into your marriage (or anyone for that matter) will not help. Even though it feels good, it will only make things worse.
So before you find yourself wondering, "how did we get here?" or "who is the other woman in my marriage?", consider taking some preventative measures. Working on your relationship now can save you and your spouse a lot of heartache later.
Please share your thoughts about the other woman in your marriage in a comment below. There are more than 50 comments from other readers -- check them out and see what others have to say.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published June 19, 2015 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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My husband and I are married 16 years. He started coming out of his mid life crisis last year after 5 years of hell. He had ignored me, been so nasty to his son on one occasion that I almost phoned the police. He ignored our daughter and spent years completely absorbed in a solitary hobby. He never wanted to touch me, any contact we had was always initiated by me. After a while I started to feel sleezy so I told him he was in charge of our sex life from now on. So then we had hardly any sex. I was so lonely and felt unloved. I tried talking but it was a waste of time, he couldn't hear me. So I gave him a taste of his own medicine. I behaved as he had and he freaked out. He said I didn't love him. We didn't speak for a month. It was quite nice. I didn't have to walk around on eggshells worrying that I'd say the wrong thing and set him off again. Then I spoke to a counsellor. He said I had the power to fix us, it would be down to me. He didn't mention MLC, I found all this out on my own. I told my husband I had treated him like that to show him what it was like for me. And told him I loved him and just wanted a nice home, happy family and us to be together. He said that's what he wanted too. Things got a bit better but I still felt uneasy around him. He makes comments about me spending all his money. I'm a stay at home mom so I'm reliant on him. But he was the one who wanted me to stay home. I'm really good with money, I don't spend frivolously. He does.
He has never been good at participating in our relationship, it's usually up to me. I didn't notice for a long time as I was so busy with the kids. He can organise himself when it comes to stuff for his own benefit but can't be bothered otherwise. He just leaves it all to me. I had a massive melt down last year, and things got a lot better after that. He helps around the house, fixes things, plays with the kids and does things with me - he even makes suggestions!
What's the problem I hear you ask? Three weeks ago I saw a text from a woman he works with on his phone. I only saw the first bit, it said 'you are fun to'. I was completely thrown. He has hardly mentioned this woman in years. We had been to her house together years ago but she's had kids since then and she wasn't a friend of mine. I asked him about the text 2 days later and he went mad. He says he thought I was on his side. He had been accused of having an affair with her by a disgruntled employee years before. I actually did believe him (after a brief wobble). He is now deleting all her texts and is hiding his phone. I confronted him and he says her texts are mostly work related. The only texts I've seen from her and him are from an old phone from 3 years ago. Nothing damning, just fun stuff. But all at a time when he was putting his family through hell.
We've talked for hours and are getting on brilliantly. It's like when we were first together. But the second I see him on his phone or he goes to work (he shares an office with this woman) I'm sick, wondering what they're doing. He keeps assuring me he loves me, he's going nowhere, he loves his kids and he makes such an effort now. Do I just try to relax and trust? I'm so afraid.
Scared, It's only natural that you would still be having some trust issues, but if it's something you really can't get passed, then consider professional counseling. A professional can give you the tools you need to deal with these types of issues. -Kurt
Husband's father just died, the next day he runs into an old girlfriend at a concert and they sent over 135 texts in a 24 hour period. With plans to "reconnect" and be careful of timing to avoid hurting anyone anymore than they are. that last text sent after a 45 min phone call. I managed to see her texts but not my husband's. I called her number from husband's phone and she answered "you naughty boy!" then when she realized it was me she hung up and next day sent angry text to my husband saying this was too much drama, they had to stop all contact. She is seperated. I have thought of calling her husband to let him know what is going on....???? should I ?? or will that make things worse?
4 months ago my husband went on a date with another woman and we started going to therapy. We were doing so much better, amazing/frequent sex, dates, he told me just 2 weeks ago he wanted to renew our vows.
We have two kids, he turned 50 this year. I gave him a second chance first time, not sure now. He says it is over as I'll never trust him now (I didn't say this, he is) and he is tired of my snooping. I'm hoping he will go back to therapy, I asked him to make the appt. I don't know what to do. I love him & feel with his father dying & poor coping skills (smokes lots of pot) he was looking for distraction from his pain. However, this old girlfriend is quite attarctive, has boat (he wants a sail boat & is complaing about other financail obligations, he is fixated on the boat).
His MLC started at least a year ago. He is angry at me for finding out. It has only been 9 days since his fater passed (this is first parent for both of us to pass).
Husband great dad, last few months were great. Please help!
Carrie, Confronting the other woman could make things worse. A death can be a trigger for a MLC, but there seems to be a lot happening here. A professional counselor can help you navigate these issues and give the tools to deal with them. If your husband won't go with you, consider going on your own. Both partners don't need to be there for it to work. -Kurt
My husband is having sex with other women because the medicines I take kill any hope of a sex drive. I tried woman viagra, but it didn't help. He says he loves me & sees us still having a future, even wants a kid with me! But all I see is darkness. I'm shocked, heart broken & can't tell anyone. What do I do?
Broken, If you're having trouble with side effects from your medications, that is something you will need to discuss with your doctor. It's totally normal to be shocked and hurt by your husbands affair, and he needs to take responsibility for his own behavior. Because it's such a difficult circumstance to deal with, professional counseling would be a good place to start, as they can give you the tools you need to recover. -Kurt
I need some help, my husband and I have been together for 8 year married for 3 with two children says he doesn't want me anymore and loves another. He still loves me but not like her. He also tells me he was never emotionally there with me (not wanting to hold or kiss me). and he likes that she an independent women and I'm more dependent. He loves how she has her but needs him emotionally. Like idk how to compete. His feelings for her are so much stronger than me. I feel lost, hurt and confused. they only been together for a month and is willing to give me up... but in the other hand he doesn't want me to date until he knows for sure. He says if I go on a date or anything any chance with him is gone.. like really dude I'm suppose to wait.. no I'm moving on going to school. trying new things. He also tells me he never felt the way he feels for her. She makes him happy. Like this hurts. idk what to do. I wanna fight for my marriage but I don't want to waste my time. I love him more than he can image but a relationship is a two way street. oh and he begs me for sex.. because it takes two hours with her... like I tell him no I'm not your sex option but I really want to and I have but not anymore. please someone help. 😓
Christa, I'm sure that hurts a lot. And you're right: you don't have to wait for him to make up his mind, and relationships are a two way street. That said, you don't want to rush into divorce either. That's something to decide when you're not in an emotional place. You need to decide what it is you want in a relationship for yourself. -Kurt
My husband and I have been together for 25 years. I had a hard time in the beginning with trust since he is such a flirt and my ex cheated on me multiple times. Through the years i got over it because i do believe he loves me and has been faithful. He does however keep in touch with an ex girlfriend that has caused some fights and he made me feel i was making a mountain out of a mole hill. The most recent fight really has me confused. There is this girl that works with him and is much younger. A few yrs ago she expressed interest in him even knowing he was married. She even came to a place where she knew we would be one night. It eventually seemed to fade when she realized he wasnt going to do anything with her. However they do still talk at work and have gone into great details about her sexual likes and dislikes. Well i just found out that he has her cell phone # and she has his. We were at lunch when day when she texted him and he showed it to me. It was a pic of a sausage and two scoops of mac and cheese and said did you lose something. I tried joking and playing it off so he wouldnt know it upset me. but the more i thught about it the more angry i got. There is no reason at all for them to have each others phone #. I brought it up to him and he is now angry with me for not trusting him and has said he has had her # for quite a while she will text him jokes and ask if can go to lunch with her and the other girls. He said he doesnt know how he got her # or vice versa and doesnt think there is anything wrong with it and I am over reacting. My gut is telling me he hasnt cheated, but he doesnt understand why im upset and how this looks. Am i really over reacting?
Jennifer, No, you're not overreacting if your husband is engaging in behavior that makes you uncomfortable, is hurtful or is inappropriate, and he needs to take responsibility for that. But you both need to get to the bottom of what's really going on. Read the Midlife Crisis section to the right of this page - you may find helpful suggestions there. -Kurt