What can you do if You Are Living In A Loveless Marriage? Learn important questions you should be asking if Your Marriage Is Loveless. Love can come back.
What every wife fears the most is the other woman in my marriage. Whether it happens intentionally or innocently, the effect of another woman’s involvement in your marriage is still the same -- it's destructive.
As we all know, the technology we carry around with us gives us instant access to a lot of things that can become problems for us. One example is the ability to communicate with anyone, anywhere, anytime, which makes having another woman in your marriage something everyone is vulnerable to.
Re-connection with old girlfriends through sites like Facebook, or the ability for text exchanges to become too personal and intimate can pose a real problem for a relationship. These things can start in a very innocent way and escalate quickly, especially if there are already issues in the marriage.
A man I started counseling recently is struggling in his marriage. In fact, he and his wife have decided to separate. Alec doesn't realize it, but the other woman in his life is also in his marriage. The relationship with this other woman started innocently enough, as it usually does. Not all people go out looking to cheat, in fact most don’t -- for many it kind of just happens.
For Alec, it started out with talking to a female coworker at work during breaks. At first it was just friendly conversation about work and what was in the news. Before long he was telling her about his unhappiness at home. As she showed more interest and concern, he told her more and more about his marriage and dissatisfaction with his wife. Although he didn't set out looking for it, he ended up having an affair with her. This had very little to do with a desire for a sexual relationship and a great deal to do with the emotional connection that they forged. This kind of connection is what can push people into taking things one step further and feeling like their behavior is justified.
Some of the men I counsel never even sleep with the other woman, but that doesn't mean an emotional affair isn't cheating or doesn't have a negative impact on their marriage or significant other. Unfortunately, most men and women in these situations do end up succumbing to the sexual temptation and have a sexual affair. This makes putting the marriage back together all the more challenging -- although not impossible.
Alec told me his relationship with the other woman "probably has influenced" his marriage and decision to separate from his wife. I had to stop and correct him, not "probably," but "definitely" it has. How could it not?
Unhappy husbands who bring the other woman into their marriage believe the new relationship helps them see what a different, better, happier relationship could be like. But what it really gives them is an inaccurate comparison that is unfair to their wife and marriage. Regardless of the problems you have with your partner, the other woman is always going to be more appealing because the relationship is new, in the honeymoon stage, and without the history you have with your spouse. Remember, your relationship with your wife probably felt very similar in the beginning.
Here's another example of what the other woman in my marriage can look like:
My husband and I have been married for only 5 months and we are having problems. I loved him so much and I married him, but after only 2 months of happiness together I found messages on his phone that he was communicating with his ex-girlfriend. He was surprised when I blew up. He said its just words and he didn't actually go around sleep her. I am hurt and angry that he is talking to her and ignoring me. My husband hates me for how I have reacted and he wants to separate."
It's not just men who can bring another person into the marriage either - women can be just as guilty. One of my patients once told me:
I've been with my wife for 18 years and I found out she is talking to another man on the internet, they have not had sex, but she says she loves him and no longer loves me. How can I get her back?"
And it's not always a romantic relationship that brings the other woman into the marriage, other types of relationships can also interfere:
My wife of 20 years has just moved out and we have two kids. One reoccurring argument is that she is always with her older sister. Her sister will call and my wife leaves on a Friday afternoon and does not return till 10:00 or 11:00 the next day. When I confront her on this she say's I'm controlling and that I don't want her spending time with her sister. That's not it, I have no problem with that, with them it's twice a week, she's her best friend and sole mate, something I wish I was in her eye's, but I can't & won't even try to compete with that, they are each others safety net for life or something."
The other woman in my marriage isn't always what we would expect. It's not always a woman, it can be a man too, and it doesn't even have to be a romantic interest either, a mother, sibling, or friend who is too involved in a spouse's life robs the partner and can destroy the relationship also.
Marriage is a commitment between two people to share their lives together. And while outside interests and friendships are important, they should not take away or replace anything from the marriage itself.
Problems in a marriage are normal -- all marriages go through rocky phases. The difference between those that survive and those that don’t is the way you handle those things. Bringing another woman into your marriage (or anyone for that matter) will not help. Even though it feels good, it will only make things worse.
So before you find yourself wondering, "how did we get here?" or "who is the other woman in my marriage?", consider taking some preventative measures. Working on your relationship now can save you and your spouse a lot of heartache later.
Please share your thoughts about the other woman in your marriage in a comment below. There are more than 50 comments from other readers -- check them out and see what others have to say.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published June 19, 2015 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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My best friend is in her 4th marriage. She wasn't divorced from number 3 before getting emotionally involved with number 4. They decided her problem in marriage was her not submitting to her husband.
Fast forward to them finally marrying after living in same house. Not even 2 months into it a friend of hers from an abusive marriage, was asked to move in by both of them.
Before this other woman was to move in, my friend had a bad feeling that they were flirting and sure enough he told my friend that he wanted the other woman as a second wife.
Both are suppose to be Christian. She doesn't approve of it but refuses to leave. She doesn't understand how it is sinful if she isn't involved...for her.
I told her to pray against it and to let him know it is a sin.
Anything else you can think of?
Christina, That's a tough situation to be in and a lot for this small forum. That's nice you want to help your friend, but judging her won't do that. She needs to figure out what she wants in her relationships on her own. You could suggest that she seek out professional counseling to help her do that. -Kurt
We have been married for 13 years and have 3 daughters amd my husband has been talking to a women from his job (which is also married) when I found the calls and confronted him he tried to deny it but I insisted and he eventually admitted to talking to her. He says its only neen conversations nothing else. He said he would stop talking to her and avoid seen her. But he continues talking to her, I have suggested to him we split up and give us some time apart so he can figure out what he wants. He says I know what I want and I want to be with you forever. But yet keeps falling for this chic. He says its not his fault she looks for him and im just to weak and dumb that I start talking to her again. Im really confused, I dont know if this is something that can be saved please help
Maggie, Yes, your marriage can be saved and he can learn how to change his behavior. He obviously needs professional help to do so though. Someone like myself who helps men learn how to change their behavior is what he needs, but he needs be ready to quit saying it's not his fault and get serious about changing. -Dr. Kurt
Hi I been married for 25 years and has checked out mentally and emotionally. I want to move on with my life. I am 51 years old My husband told me we can't sell the house for 4 to to 5 years for equity but I don't want to be miserable no more and reading this is know I should have waited to marry him and got to know him but now here I am after 25 years still fighting over the same thing and he okay to live like this because he says we can date other people since the marriage is over But I feel like it messy but I am lonely and want companionship
I am married with my husband for last 25 years have 3 grown up boys. I knew my husband for last 38 years. We had our courtship for about 6 years. We got married after so many hurdles from our family side but I stood firm and loyal to my husband. Before my marriage, I found that my husband is in touch with two teenage girls whom he met during business trip. He was writing letters to them (both girls were friends to each other) He was writing to those girls very frequently exchanging birthday and other cards. To protect them from their family he was using some female name so that their parents see female name on the envelop. My husband mentioned to me that during a trip two girls were after me and asked my postal address (As no mobile were there at that time) but I did not give. One day I found those girls letters and cards in my husband’s cupboard and we had a fight , as we were not married at that time , I told my husband that if he wants those girls I will leave and will not marry him. He said sorry and swear to God, me, his dad and mom that he will not contact them again.
We got married , and then I found that he is still in touch with them even met them in our city while those girls on a Uni trip . Again we had a fight. I got pregnant. When I was 4 months pregnant he went to the same city in which the girls were living. It was an official trip . I begged and told him not to contact those girls he said no he will not. When he came back I asked if he met to those girls? After a long interrogation he said he met them accidentally on a road, which I did not believe and we had a big fight again. After that Our married life was like a roller coaster sometimes very good and happy moments sometimes big fights. I always used to loose my temper and throwing things on him. After 7-8 years of marriage he was better, little caring etc. Though I could not forget that he was flirting with two young girls while in relationship with me when I was very honest , over caring and have a extra loving attitude towards him and I left my home and family for him because they we against our marriage. There were also 2-3 small incidents of flirting by him were caught while he was in relationship with me but I ignored because the girls did not give him any lift and he had no option to stepped back. Whole of my life I could not fully trust him. I got busy with Kids and my career.
Three years ego, one of those two girls contacted him on facebook wished him on his birthday, he did reply without asking who is she (because girl was not in his facebook friend list so message came as message request) I also saw his facebook message on his mobile while he was away. I knew the name of the girl , though I never saw her photo before ,her 2nd name was different as she was married I saw her city and could make out who is she. My husband pretended that he did not recognize because it’s a 22 years old story. I knew my husband’ facebook password, so I changed his login email and facebook password . Had a chat with that girl as my husband and I pretended that I did not recognize her. To recall she told me everything How they met , started writing letters and my husband’s last visit to them , which was well planed not an accidental meeting.
I spoke to my husband about that. Why he went to meet after our marriage when I was accepting our first baby. Was there anything more than that? why did you lie that it was a 5 minutes meeting on a road? After long fights and many questions he just said , no it was my childishness , I was not serious nothing was between us , no emotional attachment, I never ever even shake hands with any of those girls. I told him if you will lie , I will leave you. He again sewer to God event to children and said that he was foolish and it was his mistake to contact them again and again.
I told him that his facebook account is with me and I am in contact with that girl, if you will lie I will not forgive you. He said he has already told me the truth now there is nothing else to hide. The girls are in our home country Sri Lanka and we are in different country now the girl in not very frequent user of social media and from conservative family does not talk to me much as she is worried if husband will find out something fishy. Recently I came to know about that while on the trip to their city my husband called one of the girl to his hotel room and proposed her. I asked again to my husband that I know few more things , if he confesses what he has done I might forgive but I do not want any lie. Again we had fights, we ended up sitting in front of the lawyer for divorce. He then said yes he called the girl in the room, and only gave a friendly hug and kiss. where in our culture at that time boys never used to hug or kiss the girls and taking them to the hotel room. Even today it is not that common.
Now I do not believe him and I think it was more than that. He says he only loved me , in past it was only a foolishness and childishness . We have visited to counsellor also because I am trying to forgive, but asking him to tell everything. Now he is saying there nothing happened more than that and there was no emotional attachment with her. Is it possible that if someone writing letters for 6-7 years ,meeting and contacting them after I am stopping and begging so many times and there was no emotional attachment?? I came to know that in meeting , girl told him that she recently got engaged can not meet or write him anymore.
I am going thru so much of stress 2 days I am ok, suddenly I start thinking about them and again I fight with him to tell me the truth. Please suggest what should I do? Should I trust him?
My husband and I have been married for 11 yrs and together for 13 1/2. We have three children. He is always very quick to email and text other women. He hides it from me and when confronted I am the problem for "snooping". I tell him I am fine with him having male friends but in male-female relationships where you are sharing intimate information about your relationship there is a high risk of one or both developing feelings and it is a temptation and playing with fire. We have discussed that in marriage you go through normal cycles and are not always going to be happy and on fire for the other person. He has cheated on me a few times as a result of these decisions. He does not seem to understand or want to understand the impact that him doing that has on our marriage. I feel like I am going crazy to the point I emailed the most recent person (that he met on Whisper of course) because he had implied that I was paranoid with no reason and explained to her the back story. I know I should not have but I am at a point that if he won't listen maybe she will. How can a middle aged woman compete with a 20 yr old for the affections of her spouse?