When people talk about “toxic relationships,” it isn’t just pop-psychology jargon. It’s a real emotional pattern that can feel every bit as gripping and consuming as a chemical addiction.
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Contents
Most people assume that if a relationship is painful, emotionally draining, or abusive, the obvious move is to leave. But anyone who’s actually lived through a toxic relationship knows that it’s rarely that simple.
The head says,
I should go.”
but the heart keeps you glued to the situation – like an addiction. In fact, toxic relationships often feel addictive.
It’s not a weakness. It’s not a character flaw. There are real psychological, emotional, and even biological reasons toxic relationships can feel strangely addictive. And understanding those reasons often becomes the first step toward breaking the spell.
People often assume addiction only applies to substances, but the brain doesn’t actually distinguish much between a person who gives you a high and a drug that does the same.
A toxic relationship runs on a cycle of unpredictable rewards,
And then,
Finalizing with resolution and a “restart.”
Dr. Kurt cautions couples about calling a conflict “resolved” too quickly. According to him,
I've found that when most people use the word 'resolution' to describe the outcome of conflict in their relationship, it usually doesn't mean the original problem was 'resolved.' They just mean they've moved on. This can be especially true in toxic relationships. Part of what makes toxic relationships so addictive is that we deceive ourselves into believing that there's 'resolution,' therefore progress and improvement, but in reality we're stuck in a cycle that just repeats over and over again."
Until the cycle starts all over again. And it will.
This unpredictability triggers surges of dopamine, the chemical that’s central to addictions of every kind. The emotional roller coaster becomes its own reward system.
You never quite know which version of your partner you’re going to get. And strangely, that uncertainty amplifies the attachment.
Most of us will agree that consistency in relationship behaviors (so long as they’re positive) is healthy - but inconsistency can be exciting. It can grip you and pull you back in with the hope that the “good version” will return.
This dynamic is like an emotional slot machine. You don’t get a payout each time, but when you do, it’s just enough to keep you hooked. In a relationship, the “payout” is a return (even if temporary) to affection and a connection that feels healthy after a stretch of conflict and criticism. When you get back to that healthy feeling, the relief is so strong that you interpret it as love, even when it’s really just a brief respite.
Although not every addiction to a toxic relationship has roots in childhood, many do. People gravitate toward what feels familiar, even if what feels familiar wasn’t healthy.
If you were raised in a home where love was inconsistent, or where affection was conditional, your brain may actually interpret unpredictability as normal. The on-off dynamic feels like home, even if “home” was not a peaceful place. And when something feels familiar, it can also feel safe even when it isn’t.
There also can be a powerful emotional instinct to “fix” the relationship as a way of repairing or making up for something in your past.
You may not consciously think this, but on a deeper level, you’re trying to earn the love, acceptance, or stability that was missing in your earlier life. The toxic partner becomes a symbol of that unfinished emotional work.
This is why logic and common sense alone don’t help people break the addiction to a toxic relationship. You may see every red flag and the dysfunction, but you’re not just breaking up with a person – you’re breaking up with an emotional pattern you’ve been involved in for years.
Most toxic relationships don’t start toxic.
They start with intensity, chemistry, excitement, affection, and the emotional fireworks.
Then the dynamic shifts. Sometimes slowly. Sometimes overnight. Maybe the affection shrinks. Perhaps the criticism grows. Maybe the tension becomes constant.
And yet, you stay because you’re not really attached to the current version of the relationship – you’re attached to the memory of how it once felt and the belief that the earlier state will somehow return.
The first version of the relationship becomes the emotional “hook,” the part you keep trying to recreate.
Toxic dynamics in a relationship tend to reveal themselves gradually, after the initial shine wears off.
So, you tell yourself,
If I try harder, if I’m more patient, if I explain my feelings better, then we’ll get back to that beautiful beginning.”
And thus, the cycle and addiction to the toxic relationship continues.
Calling a toxic relationship “addictive” isn’t dramatic – it’s accurate.
The emotional highs, the unpredictable cycles, the psychological hooks, and the chemistry of stress and relief create a bond that feels magnetic, even when you know it’s hurting you.
But if you can be loving, and committed in a relationship that drains you, imagine how much you’d flourish in one that nourishes you.
In the next article, we’ll discuss why breaking the addiction to a toxic relationship isn’t about giving up. It’s about choosing peace over chaos, clarity over confusion, and self-respect over wishful thinking.
Is it normal to miss someone who treated me badly?
Absolutely. You’re not missing the mistreatment, you’re missing the moments of connection, the hope, and the version of them you wish was real all the time.
Can someone become addicted to relationship drama?
The short answer is, yes. The emotional rollercoaster triggers adrenaline and dopamine, which becomes associated with relationships. After enough time, calm and healthy can feel strange or even “boring” because you’ve become addicted to the “high” of chaos.
When people talk about “toxic relationships,” it isn’t just pop-psychology jargon. It’s a real emotional pattern that can feel every bit as gripping and consuming as a chemical addiction.
Overthinking in a relationship is a problem, but it’s not unbeatable. Use the tips below, to stop spiraling through the cycle of overthinking in your relationship.
Overthinking is like being on a mental hamster wheel – lots of energy expended, ultimately getting you nowhere.
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