Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
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There are some issues that pose a serious problem to relationships – porn is one of them. So, if your boyfriend is watching porn there are reasons you should care.
No matter how well you get along there will be things about your partner that bother you. If your relationship is strong then most of these things can be handled or a compromise found.
But porn is one of those embarrassing and divisive subjects that many partners find too uncomfortable to talk about.
A lot of people (predominately men) watch porn. And because it’s become largely normalized in society, there’s pressure to accept it as something that’s okay and no big deal.
The truth is, however, if your boyfriend is watching porn (or husband) it can cause a number of issues and being concerned about their habit is valid.
A strong relationship is built on love, trust, and respect. You each make yourselves vulnerable to one another and trust that you won’t intentionally hurt each other.
Unfortunately, we often do things unintentionally that can cause pain to our partner and break their trust. Watching porn is one of those things that your boyfriend could be doing that can hurt you and damage your relationship.
We all know that cheating on someone is a violation of trust and can destroy a relationship.
Many argue that watching porn isn’t the same thing as cheating, and therefore shouldn’t really pose a threat to a relationship in the same way.
One of the biggest problems with that argument is that although theoretically it seems logical, emotionally it falls short. Even though he hasn’t physically touched another woman, when your boyfriend watches porn it can feel just like he’s invited someone else into your relationship and bed.
If your boyfriend is watching porn and it feels like a betrayal of your trust, that feeling can follow you into other aspects of your relationship as well.
You may find yourself second guessing things like,
Those concerns can blossom into worries about possible cheating or affairs and lead to constant to arguing or fights.
These worries will ultimately drive a wedge further between you, leading to even bigger problems. Eventually these issues will compound and feel nearly impossible to overcome.
Most of the women in porn aren’t representative of what a normal and natural woman looks like.
Breast augmentations, lifts (breast and butt), fillers, or just an unusually well-proportioned body, can leave many normal women feeling inadequate and embarrassed about their own bodies.
These feelings are not only detrimental to women psychologically, but they’ll also have a negative effect on the closeness and intimacy within the relationship. Boyfriends who watch porn can leave their partners feeling hurt and as though they don’t really measure up and fulfill their real desires.
Intimacy is crucial to a healthy relationship, and porn will destroy it.
But because porn’s something that has such a common place in society it can feel like if you’re not okay with it then there’s something wrong with you. You may feel like a prude or like you’re being unreasonable by being bothered by it. Therefore, it often goes unaddressed, eventually causing distance in the relationship and resentment.
Porn sets up unrealistic expectations for what qualifies as normal sexual activity in bed.
The people in porn are paid to do things that are provocative, shocking, and extreme. The same way adventure movies show things that don’t occur in real life, like actors jumping off buildings and dodging bullets, porn shows behaviors that generally don’t occur in a typical sexual relationship.
Dr. Kurt has worked with many, many couples for whom porn has become a problem. He has seen the many problems porn can cause. According to him,
When your boyfriend watches porn it's actually like he's watching a twisted sex-ed film. But it doesn't lead to a healthy understanding of sex. And, sadly, porn is where most men learn about sex and how to be sexually intimate with a woman. Why is this a problem? The vast majority of porn is focused on pleasing the man, not both partners. It mostly portrays men's fantasies, not women's. Porn rewires the brain and produces a high similar to drugs like cocaine that is very addictive. Experiencing this high can become more desired and more important than being intimate with you. In other words, porn will replace you. You should care that your boyfriend watches porn because it will change him (or already has) and your relationship in ways that will deeply damage and even destroy it."
The point is that movies are fantasy - action-adventure, romcoms, and porn. But for some reason porn is often looked at like more of a documentary and watching it can create the desire for the things seen on the screen to occur in your real-life bed.
When those sexual escapades don’t happen, the repercussions can devastate a relationship. Women can feel inadequate, and men can develop a reliance on porn rather than their partner for sexual satisfaction.
All of this means that you should care and be concerned if your boyfriend is watching porn.
Porn is a very sensitive and personal topic. Whether you accept that your boyfriend watches porn is something only you can decide.
There are, however, reasons why you should care about his porn habit and think long and hard before you decide if it’s okay with you.
So, ask yourself the following questions:
People’s feelings about porn viewing vary widely. And within the opinions there are specific feelings people have about the place porn has in their relationship.
For instance, some women say they don’t care about porn in general, but they absolutely don’t want to watch it themselves or have a partner who watches it.
If you’re trying to decide if you should care that your boyfriend watches porn, take a minute to consider whether his watching truly bothers you. Remember, it’s okay if it does. There’s nothing wrong with feeling watching other people have sex isn’t for you and doesn’t belong in your relationship.
If it does bother you, does it bother you to the degree that you want (or need) him to stop?
As mentioned, there are things about any partner that will bug you but that you let slide.
Is porn one of them?
Keep in mind that even if it seems like no big deal right now, porn viewing can often chip away the intimacy and trust you’re trying to build.
If you want him to stop watching porn, being honest about your true feelings right away is important.
It won’t.
If you decide you don’t care that your boyfriend watches porn, know that it’s not one of those habits that he’ll eventually lose interest in.
In fact, his porn watching will likely just increase and can lead to addiction.
As time goes on and he becomes desensitized to certain images, he’ll start to look for things that are more and more extreme.
This can be a very slippery slope and you need to be prepared, because what you accept now may not be what you want to accept later.
So where do you draw the line?
If you decide that you really are bothered by porn and you would like him to stop, will he?
Porn can have a profound effect on a woman’s self-esteem and as mentioned above, take a serious toll on the trust and intimacy in a relationship.
If you express your feelings to your boyfriend, or husband, and ask him to stop, he should respect your feelings enough to do so.
Contrary to what some would believe, porn isn’t a solo activity and it’s not a hobby. It isn’t the same as asking him to stop gaming or give up running. His habit affects you directly and he should be willing to do what’s best for the two of you as a couple.
Be careful to be completely honest with yourself. Women in newer relationships will often claim that porn doesn’t bother them. This can be especially true of younger women who are trying to be open and accepting of his sexuality and personal freedom.
If your boyfriend is watching porn it can put you in a precarious position.
Should you even care?
The answer is yes, you should.
There are valid reasons why you should care if your boyfriend is watching porn, especially if you’re considering this relationship as one that has the potential to become permanent.
The boyfriend that watches porn will become the husband that watches porn, and a marriage can be a much harder ship to turn than a dating relationship.
So, keep the following in mind:
Many people feel embarrassed talking about sex, let alone porn. But the strongest relationships make a point to address the difficult topics and porn is in that category.
So, if your boyfriend is watching porn and you’re wondering if you should care and do something – you should.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published December 15, 2019 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
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I am so hurt. my husband has not wanted me the same for months and had no sexual desire. He said its because of his testosterone levels and he hasn't been taking his shots. I understood that and although it has done a number on my self esteem I was ok with it. But during the conversation he said he watched porn a month ago and masterbated. Because I wasn't available he said. Then that this an occasional thing and I was delusional that all men didn't do this. I have no idea. We have been married for 6 yrs and I want him all the time and the libido or ED has been a thing but he says its his testosterone levels which are low confirmed but he can jerk off to a women undressing and talking dirty to him easily. Even that porn choice seems intimate. This hurts me so much and I told him it makes me feel foolish, ugly, not wanted and cheated on. He got mad and I asked him why he couldn't just do it with me and that I have been feeling so lonely for months and clearly he was not. I will always have sex with him even when I am not in the mood because I want him happy. It's not reciprocated and his "occasional porn" is worrisome to me and I am not sure what to do. Said he used to watch a lot of it younger (no idea) and only "occasionally" now. I am thankful he told me but I completely do not feel loved, cherished and like something sacred was taken from me that was for our marriage. Staring a another woman to jerk off as she talked dirty to you feels so dirty and unfaithful and we left mad and that it was just me
My boyfriend and I have had this problem for a while. I’ve caught him a few times in his search history but after explaining to him how it makes me feel, he understood and said that he sees it differently now. Ever since that, I’ve stayed cautious… he keeps his phone out of the bathroom because it makes my mind go crazy.. it causes arguments when he DOES bring his phone in the bathroom with him. I have no idea why I’m so obsessed with finding out now… It hurts me every time I look through his phone whether I find anything or not, I’ll feel like I’ve lost myself and that I’m so crazy…. How do I feel better and try to build that trust back without feeling crazy?
I’m going through something similar and feel the exact same way
i’m going through something similar with my bf. Found his porn a few weeks ago and haven’t been able to look at him the same since. Makes me feel inadequate and insecure about my body I didn’t know what to do at the time so I didn’t mention it but now it crosses my mind every time he’s up late at nights or going to the bathroom with his phone. I totally feel insecure I still haven’t talked to him about it😩
my boyfriend goes and gets a room almost every other weekend and take his toys with him the whole time he gone he will not pick up my calls are text me his family and friends has also called and txt him he dont want anyone to come see him i know he takes med that also mess up his sex life. what should i do??
Alley, You need some professional guidance on how to respond to his sex addiction. Treating addiction is challenging, and it's even harder for partners, so find a counselor who can show you how to respond. -Dr. Kurt
I never had an issue with porn until my most recent relationship. Everything changed when I discovered my boyfriend's virtual stash. It wasn't just casual viewing; he had meticulously organized categories, links, and “favorites" detailed in his iPhone notes.
These women looked nothing like me— different ethnicities, body types, and engaging in profane sexual acts. To make matters worse, he watched porn under the same roof while I was just in the other room.
When I expressed my concerns and told him how much it bothered me, I was met with a flood of insecurities. Was I not enough for him? Is he actually attracted to these women? I felt cheated out of intimacy. For me, my arousal was tied exclusively to him, but it seemed like he could be aroused by just about anything.
When I asked him why he felt the need to watch porn, he seemed perplexed and dismissed it as "fantasy, not reality."
But how can I be sure this won't eventually lead to cheating? If you continually expose yourself to something, doesn't it eventually embed itself in your subconscious?
What made it worse was his complete disregard for my feelings.
In response, l started watching porn myself.
When I mirrored his behavior, he was confused. He walked in on me pleasuring myself and said, "I'm here.
What are you doing?"
It feels unfair and hypocritical for him to expect me to reserve my sexual energy for him when he so freely expends his on virtual women who mean nothing to him.
Now, I'm left feeling confused and unsure of what to think.
I feel so hopeless for straight women. I tried so hard to be the dream girl, I stay thin and fit, I’m young, I’m known for my looks and I hate that I try to use that as a shield but I do. It’s still not enough for modern men. I’ve learned that I can be a guy’s ultimate ideal type physically, have a super compatible sense of humour, be fun, adventurous, and sexually willing to explore. I’ve had a fantastic sex life with all three men I’ve dated and they still all chose porn. I could be their ideal type physically … but I could never provide the addictive variety of porn. Porn wasn’t there for them when they were sick or depressed, I was. Porn wasn’t there for them on their birthdays picking out thoughtful gifts, I was. Porn wasn’t making fun memories with them, that was ME. But they chose porn and now it’s all they have. I gave up because it felt like porn owned all men. Like they are all psychologically dependant on porn, it’s so unattractive and makes me see them like helpless little boys just mechanically tugging away at their junk, GROSS. I can’t even see them as men anymore. I know there must be some men who don’t like porn but they are so rare nowadays it’s not worth trying. I’m just so thankful that I am bisexual. My wife would NEVER choose porn over me and she thinks I am an absolute goddess. 3 years into marriage I am the most confident and sexually satisfied I have ever been, and the love feels REAL. I don’t have to worry about her lusting after teenage girls as we grow old together. She is mine and I am her’s and it just feels so right. I honestly think porn sucks the humanity out of it’s users and their sexual expression after a while. All three of the men I dated adored me and the love started out so innocent and strong, then once the porn took over, they stopped seeing me. I was just an annoyance they had to deal with in-between their fixes of porn. I genuinely believe porn kills love and it kills the human soul. I was crying in relief reading this because I finally have a partner who loves me and values me enough to not lust after other people. Trust me, most guys who watch it think it’s no big deal but it only gets worse. All three of my exes are addicts who have allowed their lives to fall apart, they had bright futures and now they just care about porn. The best revenge is happiness though, so I’m okay. I feel so loved and appreciated now in a porn free marriage.
Hi Amanda, Thank you so much for sharing your experience. You make some really good points about what you provided that porn cannot. Unfortunately, the high of porn is very addictive and very hard to compete against. It's not all men and it is fixable, but it is a very common problem. Controlling lust is something that everyone has to do. Sexual lust is just much harder to manage for some of us. -Dr. Kurt