Death grip syndrome is a slang term for aggressive masturbation. But excessive masturbation isn’t just measured in frequency.
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One of the most common topics for disagreement between men and women is sex. Men want more and women want less, or none at all.
Porn can significantly influence these differences.
Many people don't realize the impact porn has on sex drive. Most women will assume that if their guy watches porn his desire for her would be diminished. But that’s not always true, leading many women to wonder,
Why does my boyfriend watch porn then want to have sex with me?"
Women have a tough time understanding why,
"If he's looking at porn and so interested and turned on by other women, why would he still be interested in having sex with me?"
Good question.
They also often ask,
"If he's masturbating while viewing porn, then why would he still want sex?"
Another good question.
After all, a lot of men say they're only watching porn because they don't get enough sex from their partners.
"Why does my boyfriend secretly watch porn right before we have sex?" -Serena
In order to answer these questions - Serena's in particular - we've got to first discuss the impact porn has on a man's sex drive.
While most people, especially guys, believe porn is harmless, it's not. Read on.
Men always want to have sex, right?
Well, that's the assumption anyway, and it's true for most men.
However, watching porn can have a big impact on sex drive and not always in the way most people would assume.
For instance,
My husband always watch porn sites and do masturbating. And he does not want to make relations with me. Alwaz refuses to have sex with me. I don't want to live with him. Plz help me." -Nora
This is just one example of how porn can decrease interest in sex with a partner.
Nora's husband's sex drive hasn't actually decreased, although that's what it's like from her perspective. What's changed is his choice of sexual outlet.
Instead of sex with her he's having sex with images on a screen. Porn has replaced her.
Porn often becomes a substitute for sex with a partner.
Why?
Well, on the surface there's a lot that can make it more appealing.
It's really hard for a real-life partner to compete with that.
Here's another example:
I am hurting so bad, my boyfriend and I have been together over 2 and a half yrs. Since we have been together I was aware things were not right but put it down to him getting used to me. I asked and was told he dint feel well or was tired, so was patient and tried other times, which hurt a bit also being the one who always made the first move. Every few months things would get me down, hardly having sex, him never climaxing from sex, always me making the first move.
I have always known he watches porn, I am open minded and did not mind, occasionally, and it was obvious this was more enjoyable. But as things continued to be bad, even though I gave him so much opportunity to tell me what he wanted me to do better. Once I saw some emails from chat sites, I was really hurt, when I asked he said they were from yrs ago and dint even know the passwords, he was upset and I believed him, now I'm not so sure. This is because 7 or 8 months later I have realised and found out that he is making up excuses all the time not too have sex, then the minute I'm out the door puts porn on, so basically he is rejecting me and SAVING himself for porn....
Once I let myself acknowledge this it has killed me inside. I want to leave so bad. I feel so ugly, and worthless. All my happiness and hope that I have had (first time in a lot of yrs) it has all gone! My feelings have took me by surprise, I wasn't aware I would feel so devastated, and feel so negative towards him. I just want to leave, I have two teenagers, he doesn't have any. Just 6 months ago I sold my house and moved in with him, why did I not realise sooner, why did he lie so much and ever think I would be happy with how he was treating me!
Now I'm stuck and don't know what to do, I have absolutely no family, and haven't had a happy existence so far, and I am aware I have some insecurity issues. Because he realises I am so hurt, he had assessment for counselling, and I am waiting for an appointment. However, I can't help thinking what's the point! This is who he is.... And if he had genuinely wanted to change he would of. I am not sure I could ever trust him again anyway. All I have ever wanted is to be wanted, I just need to be wanted for once in my whole life! I'm so unhappy." -Zoe
Both women's stories demonstrate some of the common effects porn can have on sexual relationships. However, they don't explain why some men want more sex when watching porn and others less.
Yet these two examples do show how porn can impact people differently and continually change.
For instance, the two men above who have replaced sex with their partners with porn could suddenly interested in sex with their girlfriends again. This ever-shifting interest just adds to the confusion for partners.
The bottom line is that porn changes sexual desire, interests, and drive. The above stories illustrate just one of the ways that happens.
But can porn increase sex drive?
Yes, and it usually does so rather than lessen it.
So, let's answer Serena's and many other women's original question, "Why does my boyfriend watch porn then want to have sex with me?"
Porn causes arousal, but not always relief (through orgasm).
To make things even more complicated, porn doesn't even always produce arousal either.
Depending upon a person's age, health, and porn history (the more porn watched the longer arousal takes), arousal can become more and more difficult to achieve.
Challenges with arousal can be one of the reasons why your boyfriend wants sex after watching porn.
My boyfriend watches porn a lot. I don't get it why? I'm walking naked in the room but does he care NO! He's still looking at porn. It might be OK to watch sometimes but not every time. Sometimes when I'm a sleep and he's getting off the porn site, he jumps into bed and goes undoing my clothes then touching me in different places, then he gets on top of me he's trying to put his c**k into me but it isn't hard yet, just when I'm getting in the mood then in 4 seconds he's done already. What's the point ‘Go and give yourself a hand job’. Sorry for too much information. But really I don't know what to do? Its been like this a lot of times. All I want is a normal time of sex at least. The more time he spends on the porn site the less sex. I've had enough of his 4 seconds sex. Is there any other way for him to come back to his normal sex life?" -Carrie
Your boyfriend may masturbate while viewing porn but never climax and so he wants to have sex with you to finish. This is likely the case with Carrie's boyfriend.
Excessive masturbation can also cause tactile (touch) stimulation problems, which causes a need for more and more physical stimulation to reach orgasm.
Ultimately, and ironically, watching porn too frequently can result in an inability to be fully sexually stimulated and satisfied. This causes some men to turn to their partners for sex to finish or even climax again.
Erectile dysfunction can actually be a result of excessive porn viewing as well.
The endless quantity of available porn and amount of time viewing it can result in a dulling of stimulation, which only increases the desire to look more and more in order to achieve satisfaction.
In addition, the lack of complete satisfaction that regular porn viewing often produces can lead to needing to have more than one orgasm.
Another confused girlfriend offers this story,
My bf looks at porn all the time. He claims now that he just looks at the screenshots, only watching one or two videos occasionally, but it's everyday! Even after we have sex, he still goes and looks at it. I've told him over and over how this makes me feel and how much it hurts. Yes, occasionally we will watch one together, and I don't mind that. He wants to role play and try new things. Again, I don't mind that. However him watching porn makes me feel like all he wants is a porn star who will do nothing but suck his d*** all night (sorry for the language).
I've told him how it makes me feel like I'm not good enough, like he'd rather be with a person on the movie than with me. This goes for both my mental and physical aspects. He tells me I'm beautiful and sexy and he loves my body but I look NOTHING like them and I don't understand how he can honestly mean that when he gets turned on by women who are thinner and prettier than me. It hurts so bad. We have been together almost 2 years. We have struggled with this, as well as him flirting with other women, having sexually explicit conversations with them, emails, and even physically cheating on me. I want to continue this and yes, he has stopped everything but the porn, which I am grateful for but it still hurts like hell. I don't know what to say or do to make him understand...please help." -Natalie
Every person, circumstances, and relationship is different. So, the answer as to why your boyfriend watches porn and then wants to have sex with you is going to be unique to you.
However, as we've discussed, there are several common reasons and those can give you a place to start when looking for answers.
When trying to address this topic with your partner, keep the following tips in mind:
Find the right time
When you talk about a sensitive topic timing is important. Beginning a conversation like this when he’s busy, about to leave, or the kids are on their way home won’t result in anything productive. Choose a time when you’re both relaxed, in a good mood, and there’s no hurry.
Have an open mind and caring attitude
While you don’t want to give the impression that you’re fine with your sex life being tied to his porn habit, you also don’t want to take an angry approach either.
Putting your boyfriend on the defensive means he will put up walls and won’t hear what you have to say. Be ready to listen thoughtfully and try to understand no matter how distasteful you find the topic.
Know how you want to explain your feelings
In order to have a meaningful talk, you’ll need to know what you want to say.
Expressing your feelings on a topic like porn and sex can be very difficult, so preparing ahead of time can be extremely helpful.
Remember, you’re trying to have an open conversation, so you need to be ready to open up about your feelings as well.
Don’t be accusatory or judgmental
Telling him he’s gross, a pervert, or he disgusts you will cause him to shut down.
It’s very unlikely that your boyfriend watches porn and then wants sex with you because he wants to hurt you, so yelling at him or immediately condemning him can backfire.
Don’t start with demands
These are all understandable, natural, and justifiable feelings, but they shouldn’t be your opening.
Don’t create shame
Making him feel ashamed of himself won’t make him stop watching porn either, it will just make him find ways to do it with more secrecy.
So, even though you don’t want to make it seem okay that he watches porn before wanting sex with you, or condone it, a positive result to the conversation won’t come from shaming him.
Keep in mind that sex is uncomfortable and difficult for almost everyone to talk about.
So, don't be surprised if your boyfriend or husband won't tell you 'why' he wants sex with you after he watches porn (he likely doesn't know himself) or is unwilling to talk about it.
The relationship between men’s sexual desires and watching porn can be more complicated than it seems.
Some men actually believe they’re preserving their relationship because rather than cheating they’re “just watching porn.”
So, if your boyfriend wants sex only after watching porn, keep these things in mind:
If talking about this topic is too hard, then get the assistance of a professional counselor to help facilitate the conversation. Unfortunately, many counselors aren't comfortable or experienced in talking about porn either, so be sure to find one that is.
Does your boyfriend watch porn and want sex with you too? Please share your story with others by leaving a comment below.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published September 12, 2018 and updated August 23, 2022, and updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Death grip syndrome is a slang term for aggressive masturbation. But excessive masturbation isn’t just measured in frequency.
Wondering if Porn Is Cheating? Find out what psychology experts say about whether Porn Is Cheating.
Breaking a porn addiction isn’t easy. Learn how to handle relapses here.
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My bf loves porn and always wants me to pretend I'm with black guys or Mexicans. Many while he watches. No love anymore just perverted sex
How, my name is Brandi and 4 years ago I lost someone I loved very much to stage 4 cancer we were together for 3 year but knew each other for 13. 9 months after I lost him I met someone else that I was completely in love with, attracted to, and he was an addict but I helped him get off 2 months after we got together. Well he ended up having a whole different side or should I say 29 different sides (personalities) and finally received help but two weeks in he tragically passed away due to a water moccasin bite inside the water and drowned. Well about 6 months later I decided to try another relationship and he is my best friend of 6 years. He's actually a wonderful guy. Very loving and attentive to me. But he also had an addiction, and is still off of it. But he has been watching a lot of porn. In the beginning it wasn't a problem because he was more open with it, and he wasn't being secretive about it. But for the first 2-3 months of our relationship we had a lot of sex. Now he won't even try to get intimate with me. He's constantly watching porn. At first he would do it while I was sitting right next to him and then want to have sex with me. I expressed that I didn't like that he has to get aroused by looking at other women only to have sex with me right after. Now he will immediately wait until I either go out of the bedroom or walk out the house to watch porn. I called him out on it, and he says that he was just checking to see what new video's they had put up or if there was. But could have done that while I was sitting right next to him. He has been taking Viagra says it helps him last longer but when he takes them now, he wasted them only to not do anything with me. I've expressed my feelings to him about it, and I get the your the one at fault kind of conversation from him. Like I'm the bad guy for feeling the way I do. He blows be off every time. I'm at my Witt's end here. I for sure don't want to have another relationship after him, so I'm hoping that it's fixable? Please help, I'm always good to him. I do everything for him with no question. I'm beautiful, smart, and I know I'm not bad in the bedroom.
My boyfriend watches porn while we have sex. We usually are laying down my back facing his and he starts touching himself ( I know he’s watching porn because I’ve caught him once so I know the pattern of when he does ) and then leads to him to start touching me but last night I noticed that he was watching the video the whole time. He also finished very quickly leaving me unsatisfied. I also see that his interest on porn are Caucasian females with big boobs and butt. Which does NOT describe me. This makes me feel unattractive and unwanted. Oh also forgot to mention I’m pregnant with HIS kid but it’s not like he hasn’t done this before it just feels worse now.
My boyfriend and i have been dating for almost a year now. but have been messing around for a year. nearing the start of us doing this, it would be extremely easy for him to want to, but due to the meds he was on he had the inability to finish. Later into our relationship i have caught him numerous times (including this morning) watching/looking at other women and porn before trying to start stuff with me. As i entered the room he turned his phone closer to the wall and continued to scroll , but the moment i got the the bed he opened another app and locked his phone. this is not the first time i have caught him. and today i wasn’t positive but he left the app he normally watches it on open. so i looked and the last thing he opened was porn. it genuinely hurts my feelings because it makes me feel like i’m not doing enough even though we have sex so often and we are into the same things. it makes me feel unwanted, and simply not attractive enough for him. ive been making such an effort to be a better girlfriend but i feel like i’m falling through. it is reaching a point where it feels almost detrimental to my mental health. but i don’t know how to say that any more than i have. ive expressed it before hand and he said he was answering the group chat (even though i was in the group chat) so it sucks. and he even went as far as to say he was watching people fight, but was actually watching porn (saying that since i’m violence sensitive) but yeah. i have no idea what to do.
How do you start a conversation with someone watching porn?
I've been disappointed as of late with my husband. he just doesn't get hard anymore. We did find that his testosterone was very low, so he now gets testerone shots..It helped......But then the erctions just never stayed hard long enough. Ive walked into his dark room where he watches his tv, when he's watching his phone, when he sees me, he flips his phone over or turns it off quickly. I had suspicions about him watching porn, but have never brought it up to him. then I came home to him watching and masturbating. He tried to act like something else was going on, his keys were poking him (haha). I walked by and glance at his phone that he didn't turn face down, and saw a porn video up. Came here and saw that ED can cause erection problems..
So How to I approach the TOPIC with him????
HI Dee, Porn's a tough topic to discuss. I'm putting together an Instruction Manual right now for partners on what to do when your partner won't stop watching porn and it will include how to approach him and talk about it. It should be available next month. I'll post here again with the link when it is. -Dr. Kurt