What should I do if I think I Am Falling Out Of Love? Learn what it takes to stop Falling Out Of Love, feel in-love again and have a happy relationship.
Married 27yrs falling out love
6 Min Read
Contents
It's common in counseling to hear wives say they don't feel loved by their husbands anymore. But believe it or not, husbands can feel unloved by their wives too. Although it can take some time when I'm counseling a man to get him to finally admit he’s been thinking, "My wife doesn't love me."
Not surprisingly, it's much more common for women to express dissatisfaction with their relationship than it is for men. In my experience counseling men, I've found that many guys will go years and years feeling that their wife doesn't love them anymore without saying anything about it.
They'll never say the words, "My wife doesn't love me," to themselves or to anyone else, but they feel it, nonetheless.
As a result, men compensate for the loss of love they feel from their wives by seeking comfort elsewhere,
etc.
Believing the love is gone from your relationship and the love actually being gone are two different things.
Yes, if you feel like she doesn’t love you there’s a possibility that you’re right, but the greater likelihood is that you have both drifted apart and forgotten to make your relationship a priority.
This isn’t uncommon in long-term relationships. The busyness of daily life and all the responsibilities that come along with jobs, family, money, etc. can make it easy to forget to show love and affection toward each other.
The result is that you each can feel like the other has fallen out of love and then you yourself stop feeling love for your partner. This doesn’t mean the love has actually gone away, but rather that you need to put in some time and effort to bring it to the forefront again.
Before you can really work on getting your wife to love you again, you’ll need to figure out why she stopped in the first place. You can’t fix a problem if you don’t know what caused the problem.
Figuring out why this happened will require some in-depth reflection on your own behavior within your relationship. Because women are typically much more communicative regarding their feelings than men, there’s a fair chance she’s already told you what’s wrong and why she’s unhappy.
The question is, were you listening?
Feeling,
are big reasons for dissatisfaction within a marriage.
Men are often guilty of causing their wives to feel this way because many men are poor communicators, especially when it comes to feelings. If this is true in your case, you’ll need to fix it.
Contrary to what many couples think when they get married, it takes consistent effort to keep the love alive. It doesn’t just exist at one point and stay that way forever, it must be nurtured and kept healthy.
A marriage can't thrive and be healthy without good communication. I’ve worked with a lot of men who say “I love you” to their wives occasionally, but almost totally neglect showing her that love.
After all, if you tell her that should be enough, right?
Wrong.
It’s important for everyone to feel loved and it’s hard to feel that way if you’re not told and shown regularly.
So, if you think your wife doesn’t love you anymore, ask yourself these questions:
The answers to these questions can help you figure out where to start when it comes to bringing the love back to your marriage.
Lack of love from a partner usually doesn't just happen. The love typically slowly dwindles over time.
So, to restart it requires the same approach - slow, methodical, and patient.
To help you get the process started, here are 7 things men can do to begin to get their wives to love them again:
Accept her unconditionally. Start by dropping the 'she needs to do ____ for me first' attitude -- if you have one (and many men do).
I'm sure she's disappointed and probably hurt you in many ways, but if you want her to start treating you better, you're going to have to be the one to get it started.
I know you're probably thinking, "Why me? Why not her first?"
Well, you've heard the saying, 'Man Up,' right? Tell yourself that and get started.
Make her feel wanted, important, and special.
Do things that make her feel she's who you want to be with -- instead of with your phone, softball buddies, ESPN, or a beer.
What did you do when you were courting her to make her feel wanted and loved? Try some of those approaches again. One reason your wife may not love you is because she feels you don't love her.
Most women want to hear that their partner still finds them attractive.
Be on the lookout for things to compliment about her appearance, dress, home, work, how she is as a mother to your kids, or whatever else is really important to her.
Be careful here though guys, women can tell when you aren’t sincere.
So, when you pay her a compliment do it honestly and with genuine feeling. And don’t go overboard and compliment everything all at once. If you do she’ll assume you want something, did something, or have some other ulterior motive. The sole point of a compliment should only be to let her know what you appreciate in and about her.
Here's a little secret -- guys get more and better sex when they aren't pushing for it all the time.
Women want to enjoy our physical presence without our expecting or having to have it always lead to sex. If it happens, great, but don't always be pushing for it.
Try hugging, touching, and kissing her without wanting sex. You might be really surprised by what you get in return.
One of the most frequent complaints I hear from women in marriage counseling is that their husbands don’t talk to them.
Sometimes this means actual silence and really not talking, or rarely talking, to them at all, but often it's that her husband never shares his thoughts and feelings with her.
Women want to know what's going on inside their man, so push yourself to open up and share with her what's happening on the inside. A good place to start would be telling her you feel she doesn't love you and then asking her how she truly feels.
A guy told me recently in counseling that he's afraid to be honest with his wife.
There were many painful reasons why he had become fearful and stopped being honest with her about how he felt. However, those reasons didn't change the fact that his marriage is suffering because he’s not honest with her.
We can easily skirt around the truth.
Don't do it.
Be honest with her. Wives tell me all the time that they just want to hear the truth, even if it hurts.
Doing things consistently is one of the hardest things for all of us to do.
Getting your wife to love you again is not a one and done thing. It requires continual effort.
It can be tough for a lot of guys to stay consistent in the showing-love-for-our-partner department. But our not loving our wives consistently, or at least not showing them consistently, is usually one of the key reasons why she no longer loves us.
And here’s another secret guys, stop assuming she should just know how you feel because you feel it - she doesn’t.
I’ve had many men say, “Of course I love her and she should know that.”
Is it really fair to just expect her to know that if you don’t tell her?
Just because you haven’t divorced her or had an affair doesn’t mean she knows you still love her. You actually have to say it and show it.
If you’re a guy who thinks your wife doesn’t love you anymore, take some comfort in the fact that you’re not alone. And take even greater comfort in the very real possibility that you’re wrong.
Remember,
I've challenged the wives who don't feel loved to try their list of suggestions for 90 days, so I'm putting the same challenge out to the men too.
Guys, we have great influence over how our wives feel about us. So, if you're one of the many guys who feel, "my wife doesn't love me," pick a couple of things from this list and get started today beginning to change how she feels.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published November 22, 2014, updated on March 31, 2021, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Married 27yrs falling out love
Randy, Sorry to hear that, but you can do something about it too. -Kurt
As a woman reading all of you men's comments...I would like to give my two cents. I hope you all don't mind. I feel all of your pain through your written words on my screen...
First God made most men much more visual and physical than most men. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. He created man and woman to become one flesh, well after the purpose of worshipping Him of course.
The sexiest thing you can do for your wife? Love God. Above and before anything else, even her. All the rest will fall into place - Matthew 6:33.
The 2nd sexiest thing you can do for your wife? Treat your wife as Christ treats the church. He loved us so much he became obedient even to the point of death. You sacrifice yourself for her, and she knows there is nothing you would not do for her. She knows you place her needs above your own. She feels your unconditional, agape love.
3rd sexiest thing you can do for your wife? Kiss her, hold her hand, hug her, slap her rear end all in affectionate fun without ANY expectations of sex/making love. Eventually you will be surprised how turned on she becomes...she might even actually initiate sex.
Want to turn off your wife super fast? Make her feel like she is just there to meet your needs.
Hope this helps, at least a little. Remember, a husband is his wife's servant leader. Stop worrying about what she is doing wrong, and fix yourself. Said in love. (Women are naturally nurturing, most of us...)
I also highly recommend two books after the Bible of course:
Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages
The Love Dare
Good "luck" guys - may God be with you, as you see for yourself firsthand and experience what surrendering to your own selfish desires does to bless you, your wife, your marriage and your family.
Much love.
Gwena
you are absolutely right in all points. God is a jealous God and HE wants our love before anyone else. But the thing is if we love him and follow his word he leads and corrects us in our marriages. He is for marriages , he states in the bible he HATES divorce. So guys Gwena is telling you the absolute truth. The sex part is real hard for us guys but she is exactly right again . God made women so gosh darn beautiful it's hard for men because we are so visually stimulated. My problem is putting all my eggs in one basket my wife and I need to get out there and have a life apart from her , but at the end of the day come together and enjoy one another. We are both on disability and she's right we spend way to much time together and not enough apart alone or with other friends especially me. I have a very low self asteem I guess and I really need to build that because that's one thing my wife says is very attractive about a man. Thank you Gwena for those comments because there directly from the God of heaven to those men who are struggling .
Thank you so much for your advice.everything u stated my wife has said time and time again.now shes stopped and seems she doesn't love me anymore.I'm not giving up,I'll keep trying to fix what I broke.thanks again n god bless
I agree with everything you have said. But I would like to comment and it may seem like I am disagreeing, I'm not. What is hard for me as a man is that it seems you hear (from men and women ) what we men have to differently to "win" our wives and persue her. Not that there is anything wrong with that but it seems like everything goes in one direction and if men want something that it is shallow. It took me a long time to learn this but as men, we are prizes to be one as well. It is so foreign to us that even that concept doesn't make much sense to us. We are treasured human beings as well worthy of pursuit and to be cherished. It almost seems like no matter what the circumstance, the man is the one that has to do the fixing or the changing. That just isn't always true and I think it sends a dangerous signal. Case in point, this article is about men feeling unloved. Yet I almost feel like I am hearing that it is the man's fault that he is unloved and or it is because of something that he hasn't done or that he can do differently. No question no that the intent is for men to read this article and these are little tips and tricks that he can do,. I understand that. But if we are not careful this can sound very conditional. I just want men to understand that you are treasured human beings as well. And that you are beautifully and wonderfully made by God as well in a very important part of the family. That role should be honored and respected by all including yourself.
As far as the sex thing. I do not want to have sex with my wife if she does not want to have sex with me back. Again. If we are not careful this can sound very conditional. Like sex is a reward or payment for something. A lot of women say that they want emotional intimacy or to be touched or to be listened to. Is that any different? What if someone said meet this need or that need and then I will give you physical touch or emotional intimacy or I will listen to you.? Both partners have an obligation to pursue sex at times and both partners have an obligation to pursue physical touch emotional intimacy and listen to each other. If one is out weighing the other there is an imbalance that is unhealthy I feel. One person feels pursued and the other one does not. The Bible teaches us that we don't have to do anything to earn God's love. That is unconditional love. I feel as if a husband and a wife should love each other the same way. That of course is a perfect world. Good luck to all you guys. I know I feel desperately unloved by my wife and it is debilitating. I don't know where to turn or where to go. But I will absolutely be trying to put into practice some of the suggestions that you guys have made thank you.
You are absolutly right. I feel like a slave in my own home. Do everything for her and forget about myself. That is how i feel. In one aspect i guess i felt that is what God wanted. Live a servent life. He did everything for the church without expecting anything in return. But not getting anything in return hurts and i need something. I am not God and i cant live in a marriage with no return. I ahhve been hanging on for 12 years. I want my marriage to be a strong one but i cant get there. The struggle is hard and i am thankfull to posts like these that let me know i am not alone and others deal with this as well.
Hello,
I'm in the same situation, I've been married for six years. It started out great and quickly went south. I compliment my wife all the time. I do random things to show her I appreciate her, but get no response from her. About a year ago she told me she was upset because I wasn't holding her enough. We talked and I finally opened up to her about some things that happened to me when I was a kid. Showing affection is hard for me, but I promised I would try harder. I thought I was by stepping out of my comfort zone. I guess it wasn't fast enough because now she's out all the time. Sometimes she doesn't come home out partying with friends. I don't know what to do because I love my wife, but now its a situation where I feel used and mistreated. I've tried talking to her about it and all she says is she needs time. I'm trying to be patient giving g her time and space, but I feel she just doesn't care anymore. Does anyone have any suggestions?
Hi Arthur.
I'm in the same situation as you, apart from I've only been married for a year! We've been together for about the same time though.
On reflection, I think it's my wife feeling trapped more than anything else. The approach I'm taking (which I'm hoping will work) is to allow her the space to go out with friends and have her be honest and open with me if she has thoughts about being with someone else. At the same time, I'm going to try and find ways to make our life together more adventurous. Not even thinking about the sex front. Just normal aspects to remove the monotony of life. I'm hoping that it will show her that because we're committed to each other, we don't have to lose who we really are and what what we still want to experience in life.
It's our anniversary soon and I'm scrapping the idea of a quiet meal in a romantic restaurant (what she would expect) for cocktails and dancing. We never just have fun anymore as life is always so adult. Maybe we just need some time to be teens again...
I'm not sure if this will help or not, but I sure hope something here will serve you well
Hi I'm wondering how your idea of dancing and drinks went? Is your relationship doing any better or worse? If so how and why. Trying to compare to mine seeing that I'm in the same boat. A loveless, sexless, unhappy marriage at the moment.
very true every word you said is true and some men are afraid of admitting it thanks Paul I've been say this for years
Chris
im very sorry that your wife made you feel this way but im most positive that no matter what you are going through she will be there for you. in fact i know her pretty well. she has always stood by your side and is offering to walk this road with you. you MUST forgive yourself for your doings first and then go to her and ask her to hold your hand through this terrible time. she is a fair person especially when it comes to you. you NEED her NOW! let her be that shoulder to lean on for you! you would do the same for her, right???? You can do this but you do NEED HER. Especially now no matter the outcome of your marriage. it may help her to understand more. let her do this for your children also. they NEED their father more than you know. theres not much she wouldnt do for you!
Well bro...they are never gonna change so...either stop complaining or leave her. Is this what you really want? You know all that stay together no matter what crap was initiated in a time where men were leaders and women wanted to be lead. It's a different day and age now. We honestly need to resort to the behavior of 1960's women. We need to start leaving these maniacal chicks, we need to go solo and train our boys to not need women. We need to make these ladies useless to us. This is what they wanted right? To not be attached to men? It's giving them what they wanted. The best thing you can teach a young boy these days is to go solo, get a vasectomy, get a call girl when you need sex and teach them to not give a penny to a woman.
I feel your pain...its like your watching my life and decided to write about it.thanks..ill read your comments to find out what to do..leave..or stay..
Hey buddy I hate to tell you but sounds like your wife is having affairs.
I am in the same situation Phil. I am happy that you clarified that it is not always the men at fault. Society always tends to point the blame on the men. Like you said, we are worthy as well. I feelings has changed after 28 years of marriage. Thanks for your input.
Phil, i feel what your saying.. I am not gonna lie to you though, now that my wife says she doesnt love me anymore i have sat analyzed our relationship and come to the conclusion that i am a self centered ass. My wife was and is great and its I that has changed.. I dont treat her like i used to.. I would never have chosen to go fishing over spending time with her when i was first tryna get with her.. I have been doing that to her the last couple of years.. I dont put her first anymore.. I love my wife and i dont want to lose her.. So screw what im feeling its about her i can find the happy medium later, for now i must make her love me again...
Frank, That's impressive that you realized all this and are going to do what you can to make it work. Thanks for sharing. Best wishes. -Kurt
Phil, very good points. It's not only that our needs should be fulfilled but that it needs to be possible. If your wife is rebellious because it makes her feel empowered and she is satisfied by this, then you have a real challenge on your hands.
Did my wife love me
This is the most sane answer yet. I agree with ALL these talking points. In our society men have become the "blame" for it all. Even when we are NOT the cause, we must become the initiators of repair and forgo our own hurt and disappointment to make the other feel "loved". What about us? What about our spirit and joy. MGTOW.
I'm proud of you Frank !!! Some men don't realize what you have until the marriage is over....and some never do at all. Next week is my 30th Wedding Anniversary...It took me until my 10th before I figured out that the way my father treated my mother wasn't going to work...He was domineering and a controller. My mom didn't know any other way and went along with it but I know now she was very unhappy. I was a complete mass to my wife and am happy I found a different way...it took some time but it's well worth it ! Love your wife and treat her with the respect she deserves...it will be worth it I promise you....
Completely irrelevant, but as a married woman... if my husband was honest like this and determined as you, I wouldn't even be questioning our marriage. The chase is what first caught her anyway right?
Who says that should end when you get married? Your comment made my heart stop. Keep pursuing her, if it was ever really love she'll welcome you back without question.
I understand I have been for 15 years now, she said she don't love me, but still wants me to prove I love her and the kids.
Thanks for pointing this out, Phil. A lot of the comments for men "falling out of love," by Gwena, even by Kurt, suggest that the solution is to "man up" and start appreciating her. Clearly all human beings need appreciated. And it is a loving husband's job (even without the Bible or using it as a crutch or convenient source of only those nuggets of directed "wisdom" you want to cherry pick to force into your argument) to ensure that his wife is appreciated.
That said, I get weary, leary, wary and quite exasperated by hearing how "she" needs you to consistently "put her needs above yours..." Welcome to the central cliche of our culture when it comes to "successful" marriages. It pervades the women's magazines, the underlying desires of heroines in modern novels and films written for and by women -- give it a rest! Most of the men I know who feel unloved in their relationship feel so because they CONSTANTLY hear how what THEY do, say, or DON'T DO and say makes HER feel unwanted. Meanwhile, men are trying to reconcile the reality of their loveless wife with the way culture presents the cliche of "what women are or aren't." Gwena says most women are nurturing, Kurt perpetuates the cliche most women want compliments about how attractive they are, Jeff unwittingly reminds us men are constantly shown how sexy and comely women are in ads, movies, and television but then tries to scold us it's men's fault for desiring to pursue them sexually when our image and sound bite driven culture objectifies them more now than ever in history. All this static IGNORES how men are just as much programmed and the "victims" of cliches and pop culture poppycock as women are. We TOO want someone to help us navigate through the complexities of being male, of being human, and of being recognized and guided for and through our frailties, misgivings and foibles. Aaron says it the best and says it honestly -- evoke God and guilt and ancient imaginary friends as much as you like - we are NOT God and should stop trying to BE God. Men, like women, need attention and need to know they are wanted, important, relevant and more than just "servant leaders." That platitude and rhetorical garbage borrowed from business leadership rubric may sell self-help books (and be a catchy phrase to put on a website like this one), but I don't want to lead in my relationship anymore than the women's magazines for the last thirty years say women always want to. I don't want my home life with my wife to emulate the obligations, pangs, frustrations, and entrapments of my work life! I want a relief from that - a respite from that, a partner who feels the same and will not make ME the sole source of her escape from "grunting and sweating under a weary life." Stop perpetuating the cultural myth that the twenty-first century woman is a nurturing, delicate, precious, fragile blossom who needs a man to maintain her phony, contradictory, extremely mixed up cultural reputation/image!! PEOPLE, not man/woman, need to "love" and nurture each other. Is SHE can pull HER weight doing that, SHE needs the counseling and redirection every bit as much as the man Kurt, Gwena, Jeff et. al want to condemn and consign to sole responsibility.
You must get out there too then. Stay positive and do things for yourself away from your spouse when she's at home. There's nothing wrong with giving each other some space for some self reflection. You sound lost and unhappy...you must find your happiness before you can even attempt saving your marriage. Keep yourself busy...maybe going for a walk or going to the gym to workout. Exercising will stimulate your inner core to give you confidence in yourself. If you spouse cares she will notice the positive changes that you are taking. You need to get out of that self funk feeling trapped. I believe in the end you must fix your self before you go in and manage your relationship.
Wow Phil, that's what i think almost every guy in this world has been wanting to say but didn't know how to, or was scared that he might have it all wrong and be accused of being sexist like every other man who has ever tried to defend himself against this one sided load of crap! ! I'm sorry but there's no other way to say this.we've been brain washed since birth to believe that we're bad to women, bad in general compared to women, and that we need to constantly compensate women. We can all see this very Cleary in all these kinds of discussions. And of course there are exceptions and regardless of any of this i still love women with all my heart. No one person is to blame for this ( probably the biggest myth in all human history ) but people have to open their eyes because we have forgotten one very important thing in our attempt to compensate women, and spend our lives being heroic white knights ( our sons!! ) Make one little sacrifice for all our sons and take a good look at the issues of suicide. This very issue "almost" took the life of one of these sons this week and that person was me. I came so close to killing myself this week that it's nothing short of a miracle that im still here, and it's not a coincidence that I'm here on this site and talking about this one sidedness with our wives. I strongly believe that most men feel like this but instead of being heard and treated fairly, they're abandoned by their wives for simply trying to find fairness and shamed for even mentioning it. It's the perfect storm. Men are dropping like flies. If people would have just taken the time to look, they would have seen!!
I don't think it is that men have to pursuit the woman and always keep her happy. Us women take a lot more to get where you guys are physically. We have so many things going on in our day and those play out all day in our heads and our mind can't just turn those things off. We need someone who is willing to listen, be there, be patient, and caring so that we are able to wind down to be with them romantically.
We are not able to just turn off our day at night and be physical. We need all that extra stuff. So it's not that you guys are our slaves but we need more than you do to get where you want us to be.
If that makes sense and becomes a part of your everyday rputine then we will get what we want and you will get what you want. 🙂
Does that make sense?
I'm sure it makes sense to you, Claire, but the reality is that is always takes more AND THERN more AND THEN more because the inevitable, inescapable FACT is that women are incapable of loving men in the way men can love women. For example, says it takes 100 compliments (or whatever) to make a woman interested in being intimate today. tomoprrow it will take 110 compliments, the next day 120, and so on. Plus there will be additional never-ending hurdles. The reason is that YOU, Claire (or whomever) really doesn't love her mate, she's always waiting for the BBD (bigger, better deal), and only succumbs in a sense of pity or obligation - which any man can see right through..
In response to Red, I have been married to my husband for 16 years since i was 19...and I've always been more like a guy when it came to sex...I'm always ready to show my husband how much I want him need him and love him how much I've missed him all day...dealing with this mad world and I have never once pushed him away for any reason...whether i was upset with him or anything..off and on we have had our share of troubles(he screwed up big time,3times) but 4 children later we are still here together,more or less I've put my needs last and my family's n his first.Since he has always gotten his needs met without any consequences for his behavior in other aspects of marriage, I feel like he stopped appreciating how lucky he is, I mean compared to some of the examples I'm hearing about wives out there now. I always was upfront that the worst thing one can do is push the other away..physically emotionally etc...i mean I'm in this with him not against him so if theres a problem let's fix it together and then f* it out..i know I'm wierd..but now he had gotten so selfish and has his ego so inflated that he has even said to me"if u want sex u should look elsewhere I'm too tired dont forget im 12 yrs older I cant keep up with u anymore..I work tomorrow i need sleep "...who chooses sleep over sex? I dont get it...I mean I'm tired of always initiating..I wanna feel like the girl I wanna be the one bothered so much that I can say playfully of course"stop it ...behave urself"..I have so many ppl consider me a friend but i dont indulge in going out or that whole girl time scene..I pull my fair share of the wieght..but no matter how I say it or scream it..I'm not heard he has no fear of losing me since pretty much he has done his worst and I'm still here so it's like he feel he has me locked down n I wont leave him....or what I'd he not into it anymore? I always got where he was coming from I dont get this..any advice? I'm lost here..n let me say I'm not unattractive I can still turn a man's head...of any age. But I never notice...lately I'm noticing.....if any of u men have a good girl that met ur needs b4 then stopped...she is capable so fight for her jump thru the hoops do anything do something get her back...dont just sit around and wonder..do something...that's all a real woman needs if she ever really loved u...that's means she never stopped loving u ...maybe she just stopped showing you...to get ur attn...do all u can if it doesnt work out ur conscience is clear u tried all u could ...
Gwen, don't forget about 1 Corinthians 7:5
My wife would kill me if I did the crap you just wrote. God isn't a priority in everyones lives you know...
gwena.....
You may actually believe it's that simple but I know (after 29 years) that it's just not that simple with women.
Men are VERY simple. It's the women that complicate it all.
Why is it that MEN have to do ALL of these combinations just have a woman express a little love? Are you serious?! We have to work and work and work at the combination just have a little bit of loving thrown at us. Wow.... talk about selfish. I blame it on the poison of feminism: It has it claws sunk into all of us. As a result, women and men become lonely.
I've attempted everything under the son and nothing changes. I get to live the lonely life and my wife gets to be queen... yeah, great life. It's no wonder men cheat and/or get divorced. All the power is in the woman's hands. How she behaves determines the relationship and the household. Men will do anything for their wives. What a let down. Women hold all the power and they don't even know it!
I disagree. I think woman know they have that power and they use it to their advantage.
Agreed. Women control sex and they know it, especially in the western democracies. If you chose to be a slave to them and yield control of your life to them then that is on you. Stop complaining and accept your predicament.
I have been reading numerous articles about what i need to do to be the man my wife needs. Most of it focuses on the same aspects. However i have a special kind of wife. After our second child she stopped having a sexual drive. this is the start of alot of the issues. Long story short, It has been 12 years since that event and our marriage has been crap for all of them. I am told to love her, which i have, show her you love her by hugging and kissing her. She doesnt like that and turns from it. Tell her your feelings. She doesnt care about those and tells me that my feelings are wrong. However she wants me to listen to hers. Love God which i have been doing but i find myself struggling more and more with this as this situation continues to get worse. Treating my wife as God treat the Church. I have sacrificed many things for her in an attempt to show her my love. We have sex maybe 12 times a year. I refrain from spending any time with her because she needs her space. I usually do not touch her or hug her anymore at her request. All these are my love language. I do not feel like i am in a marriage. More like a business deal that i would rather get out of. I have read the love languages and asked my wife what her love language is. She doesnt know. I ahve tried the love dare book which also fails. I love my children and as of late am only married so i can stay with them. I am at a loss and am one more time looking for answers. I am hating my life and this situation but am trapped in it. I know i m not without fault. A marriage is two people working hard together. I make mistakes to and have a short fuse. Totally opposite from when i first married her. I used to be calm in any situation and full of love. She tore that out of me and for the life of me i cant seem to get that back. ?Yes she would agree that she did tear that out of me. That was discussed and she apologized for beating me up our entire first year calling me weak and not a man because i was that way. That is in the past and all forgiven but i can never seem to go back to being that way. What other advice do you have. do you know any women that are similar to my wife. What do they need? What can i do?
Aaron, Yes, I know of similar relationships. Read through the articles under the topic Abusive Relationships and the comments from other men. You'll probably relate to a few of their stories. You're not alone. -Kurt
Hi guys, for the ones that are trying be patient. If you have been a certain way for many years it may take time for her to respond. She also may have resentment from the many years you have neglected the marriage. I know this is the case with me. I resent my husband for telling me I'm fat all the time during pregnancy and withholding sex. I was 135 pound at 5"6 before pregnancy and I feel so rejected and hurt by the insensitive comments about my weight. My husband has gained 40+ pounds in 6 years of marriage and I don't rub it in his face or tell him I'm not attracted to him anymore. I don't know how to fix this and make him desire sex again. I think after I had the baby I don't ever initiate sex again, it's so hard getting rejected all the time. My self esteem cannot take it.i know he's not cheating I have checked his phone and he is home whenever he is not at work. Kurt do you have advice for a woman in her early 30s to get her husband to desire her again sexually? we have had a stressful yesterday my mother was terminally ill and passed away a month ago, I am 9 month pregnant with our first child, his dad has cancer, his mother Is disabled and having surgery for her back. He said it's been stressful but I think we have snapped and taken things out on each other a lot. I have been very emotional this year with my mums illness and passing, workplace bullying and pregnancy. I have been seeing an individual counsellor who has been amazing and helped greatly. There is still love on both sides just lacking in intimacy. Please help kurt. I don't want to divorce I am willing to try anything.he doesn't think we really have problems, I am being dramatic.
Jen, It sounds like there have been a lot of external stressors lately. It's great you're seeking out counseling for yourself. Have you thought about having your husband join you? Read the articles in the Midlife Crisis section as well as others in the Love Is Gone section to for more information and ideas about what you can do. -Kurt
That's good gwena good advice thanks
There is so much that has happened beyond what I am going to say here but here it goes....first I Love God through his precious Son Jesus. I was married to my wife for many years before we were divorced due to my foolishness. We have since been remarried but we are not reconciled. She believes she made a big mistake by remarrying me and wants another divorce. I do not want a divorce and will not sign papers to make the divorce easy for both of us. She admits she does not want to be married to me and the feelings just ain't there anymore. We will both admit we are best friends and spend all our time together. I do everything you mentioned in this post as her husband and best friend since before our first divorce but she seems to be getting further away. She loves being my friend but does not want to be my wife. She too loves the Lord but has stated that she does not care if anyone sees her divorcing me as wrong. I know what I need to do which is just continue to love her unconditionally but I do get weary and would like to see her look at me as God intended for a wife to look at her husband. Needing a miracle.
I'm a devout Christian. I write Christian novels. Ive taught bible studies for all ages for the past 30 years, and embrace orthodox theology. Im writing this to you, Jacob, but many men (and women) on this site need to hear it. God does not fix things "in the World," He only fixes how we react to the World. The treasures He offers are ones that time and the conditions that the world cannot corrupt. What that means is that rather than hoping for a change in your wife, pray for a change in how you feel about your life. People are broken. We are all broken. The answer is not to look for a "miracle fix" from God, but to look for peaceful graceful grateful acceptance of things as they are. Look for the "peace that surpasses all understanding." I am not saying this is easy. And I am certainly not claiming i have achieved this. What i am saying is that it is the only answer in a World fraught with misfortune, pain, and broken fellow humans who hurt each other. When we give up on what we want and embrace what God gives us, real joy is possible. As my biblical support I will point out the disciples. Reviled, Jailed, tortured, finally executed, they did not ask for a miraculous change in circumstances. They joyfully embraced what was given them. And to repeat, NO, I am not always able to do this. I am no Saint. But i know that all other paths are human foolishness.
Thank you for your reply Scott. God's Word is truth. Thank you for helping me get back a clearer focus on the only thing I can change; which is me and my point of view. I'm looking up. As for my marriage; I believe there is a door of hope in the valley of Achor.
Jacob, I am sure I did not write a single thing you did not already know and believe. Sometimes it helps to just have someone else remind you of your own wisdom. You have that wisdom, and if I helped remind you, I am really glad. I will add one twist - also in agreement with what you are feeling. This is pretty mystical; I believe that when you change how you feel about the world, the world changes how it feels about you. So yes, when you stop focusing on what happens "in the world," and start fixing how you react to it, the "world," and this includes your spouse and everything and everyone else, will actually change for the better as well. So I am sure there IS hope in your dark valley. I don't pray for what I want, I pray for God to teach me to embrace what He wants for me.
Thank you so much for sharing your story Jacob. I too am going through something very similar with my wife. She keeps telling me that whenever I am ready to let her go, I can. I simply can't do that.
I have read a lot of the comments in this thread. I need some guidance I am a Christian my wife was had faith and her father opposed our marriage and meddled endlessly for the ten years we were together is an atheist, in the same way, a zealot might embrace a cause he held onto being an atheist. Now she and I are separated, not divorced, we don't talk despite her calling occasionally as I don't want her to know how hurt I am. I just want to become better and stronger. But her father is so proud of destroying our marriage he has been bragging in their village (it is England) and she no longer goes to church again something he is proud of. What if anything should I do?
The reason some look for a fix, because from birth things never stop..I had 66 surgeries...from birth and never end...So why is it that GOD allows this to happen??? how can we accept this? how can we accept all this pain/// and have a normal marriage./ when its all pain, then effects the mans sex life... and Then effects the marriage.. .My wife has been with me over almost 20 years, I got sick after 2 years of marriage and can't perform normal sex... Surprised she has not cheated.. but I feel like we are room mates.. and How and why does GOD allow this. you say we need to learn to live and accept it...Well when you have never ending PAIN... and we have a HORRIBLE health care system with messed up politicians who make it worse since it then becomes a money issue. Its like never ending issues.... I had a great career even through all this, which is why I got married.. and wanted to be in love I feel she and I both been cheated. .due to HOW this so called Life is and how we need to accept it....Some people clearly have no idea ... I gave GOD all the love, and helped people all my life, for 3 organs and 66 PAINFUL surgeries, STILL suffer in pain..due to lack of pain control... So is this what people get for loving GOD?? and accepting? a messed up marriage..and life...Sorry but not buying what some of you are saying... Some are upset there wife is not giving them sex....Well. for some, its much worse and that adds to it..When LIFE takes it all away including SEX, money and your self... So remember you may be upset about your wife not having sex, others have it worse....prolly only thing that helps me.. Only thing you can do is think about others....because some of us, will never get WHAT we want in our life....Sex, Money, Love, etc...My life is all about making my wife life better and my kids......My life is over.. on what I wanted....Thanks TO politicians, Health care insurance and other nonsense, which took this all away....
Thank you for that post it was so helpful God bless you!
Thanks Gwena that was some good word and what I'm going through as we speak I needed that.she's not in love with me anymore but I'm loving God now so he's working on me.because 1st tou have to love God.
I feel your pain man, what u just explained sounds exactly my life. Like almost word for word is how i feel. So ur definitely not alone.
I have put so much effort into trying anything to please her or put a spark in out relationship and nothing works.
Sometimes girls just think all guys want is SEX, sometimes its not about that at all.
I have come to the conclusion that nothing will ever change and that my life is just going to be more miserable as time goes on. There has to be a point when the wife wants to put some effort into the relationship as well. I always get blamed for relationship problems that was caused by her in the first place and ut always get turned around on me and it my fault now. I am honest and share all my thoughts n feelings and all i ever get is a reason not to sit next to me, not kiss me.
Sometimes u feel real useless when u work 9.5 hours a day and drive for 2 hours and cant get a hug or kiss when u get home, like thank for trying.
Im at a standstill, have 2 kids and after the second the sex went out the window, she has endometriosis and is painful to have sex, so it just causes more problems in out relationship.
Like the last guy said, i have sex about once a month and when it does happen its just like " lets get this over with" when all i really want is to feel loved maybe cuddle up close n kiss or something but doesn't always have to lead to sex.
If she would just have a somewhat open mind and locked on non-physical relationship things might not be so hard and difficult to understand if im just being used or if she really cares about me. When u think is dying is the only way out, it gets real hard for me to try anymore. Maybe im just supposed to be with my dad in heaven that this horrible lonly life always waiting to be loved or even feel important besides making money and providing house, food, car and everything any of them needs.
Idk but thanks for me knowing im not alone on the wife with no affection and no disire to please or love me
Andrew, This situation sounds very difficult and it sounds like you might be considering hurting yourself. Please call the national hotline at 800-273-8255 anytime 24/7 to talk to someone first. -Kurt
Thanks for sharing that ,Aaron. It almost sounds like you're describing my situation. Trapped with a woman who seems to despise me and has no interest in "working" on our relationship. I don't know what to say except, you're not alone man. I think there's a huge number of men going through similar situations largely for the kids. The one thing that seems to help me is turning away from focussing too much on her and our relationship and instead focussing on the other things ,outside family, that are important to me - hobbies, work , socializing etc. it helps me maintain some independence and strength and not be constantly stuck in the quagmire of me and her all the time.
Hey Aaron, lol this might sound funny but I'm going thru the same thing it's bad man trust me . I'm 29 been with my wife for 10yrs and married for 7yrs now we have 3 kids together and that the only reason I'm still married... I'm a mellow type dude and so are my kids ....but when it's time to get down I get down .... But I think they just don't feel that we are not attracted man like for an example: we can be hanging out wth friends and it's kool we are having fun like always but I think she doesn't realize that every time a friend of mine say something wich is not even funny she cracks up but if the joke came from George Lopez on weed........but I can even quote a joke man and say it outloud and she is the only one that doesn't show expressions and one day I called her out on that in front of every couple that was their wich are all my friends from high school and told her straight out... Why are you so happy when the other guys are saying stuff and not when I do ... And said don't you think that the girls notice (I know this because I'm always focused on people's facial expressions don't know y) now after that she changed for a while maybe 6 months ... And then came the don't touch me or hug me at night blaming that she was tired and I'm like Bi&@h (in my head) you only wrk 2 days a weeknight the a/c ... I work 12 hr shifts 6 days a week in the sun (pipeline) but to be honest I feel that I'm the one that has to approach her like hugs and stuff and to be honest I think it's been more than 5 years since she says out of her mouth that she wants to have sex with me ....or even her starting the effection it's been that long... I always have to start it . (Conversation, hugs, holding the hand, kissing,) and having sex feels like if I'm raping her all I here is no no no not like that and not like that and no I don't like it that way and it's funny to be honest so I just stop and say ok I'm sorry and that's that ... I can go for 1or 2 months with out asking for sex and it won't come from her at all until I tell her hey it's been over a month what's going on and she replies that's all ur thinking about its so annoying I don't feel like it ......so I think my wife is either equal or worse than yours
Well you wanna know what my wife started doing when I put her completely first, nurtured her, put her needs first and took care of her in her sickness? She became egomaniacal. She didn't appreciate it, she called me sick names for not doing enough, not getting it all right on her "too do list" and we began to fight because I began to feel completely and utterly unloved and disrespected. Then she started calling me names like worthless, useless, idiot and annoying. Then in fights or fits of rage she started taking hits and pot shots at me by trying to slap me and crap. I stayed a virgin until 28 to "save myself" for my wife...I didn't date around and waited for "God's best". No...I have done all this putting your wife first, treating her selflessly to meet her needs before your own and always responding in love. Look where that got me...I have lost all faith in the purity, innocence and meekness of "godly women" that I was fed all throughout my young adult life. Guess what the most pathetic part is...I am still with this woman! Hah! Thanks God! Shame on me!
Andrew thanks for that, it feels like my life exactlybut mine is worse, she recently admitted to sleeping with someone else alot of times and even feared she was pregnant and this discovery only happened because I looked through her phone. Now all she wants is to go out and leave me with the kids, I have done everything, followed all laws made by man and God and today she just said the spark isn't there anymore, I just feel like a fool, providing for her and the kids, working 2 jobs and she just doesn't care one jot, living above her means and spending what she likes even without telling me on new clothes to go out leaving me to deal with the financial mess, I even threatened to call social services on her but I'm afraid to lose the kids because I cant work and look after them by myself and my work visa depends on my income to be granted and she knows this, I am just tired now of being in this relationship.
I agree and disagree with what you have said. The main problem here is that this is based on the presupposition that a man isn't doing that. It isn't like you are providing a recipe for success. When a husband is already living life the way you described above and the wife is still unloving and isolated then, well, these things are not the issue.
It is often that a wife confusing loving Christ above all else (this is how decisions are made) as not loving her. Christ told us people will hate us for serving him and loving him first, this includes wives. After this is rejected by a wife anything that follows in your post is a moot point. Even so, it is also very common for a woman to not see all the sacrifices that a husband is making for her and his family. She has determined it isn't enough or aren't sacrifices after all.
There are also women out there who are so independent that their husband's role doesn't really matter. Some who have already filled the husband's role in her life with friends.
In my opinion, these are sexist comments and I take offense at them as many men should.
Thanks for that information the only problem that I am having right now is it is hard to understand when my wife maybe wrong why should I suck it up and let her treat me bad I tried to but sometimes that just gets to me I do love her very much and want to be able to understand her more and I understand that probably why she is acting like she is it's because of me and my being pouty thanksGwena
Your wife need to go for deliverance she probably has a spiritual husband. I am going through some thing similar and i got to know that when there is a spiritual husband and wife involve in a marriage meant for three the man , his wife and God there is no peace this is because the spirit husband or wife will frustrate the earthly spouse and some of them are so aggressive they are dangerous. some time no matter how much love you show your spouse there wouldnt see it. this is because of this incubus and succubus demons
What if said wife is a narcissist and I'm trying, in earnest, to do all these things you mention, and I am still left with "scraps" and the feeling that I AM just a servant and NOTHING MORE! A floor mat for her to wipe her feet on every day? Signed, Frustrated and tired
Dave, What we allow will continue, as the expression goes. You also have a voice in the marriage, and you have to decide for yourself what you want from it, and what you don't. -Kurt
I'm in so much pain... how can you be the perfect husband to a wife who needs nothing, not even affection, intimacy, or love. How can I try when her only focus is our 19month old son? I love our son, but it feels like after she got the hang of being a mom, she didn't need me anymore and I'm as good as trash.
-heartbroken
J, Becoming a parent and caring for a baby is a big life adjustment, and since it changes everything, it can be hard to resist comparing how things are now to how they were before. Check back for more information about this topic coming soon. In the meantime, if you feel things are really off track and you can't talk to her about it, consider seeking out professional counseling for some guidance for you both to adjust. - Dr. Kurt
Gwena, I wish you were right. I became a committed Christian 15 years ago and that's where our problems started. My wife is an atheist. She initially left me for 6 months.
In truth she should have stayed away because our marriage is completely dead now after 15 years of trying. Our sex life ground to a halt 6 years ago because I stopped trying. I couldn't take the rejection anymore.
My youngest child is 18 now and is heading off to university later this year.
I feel betrayed. She was the love of my life. Now I'm nearly 50 and I'm facing a future of loneliness.
The Truth is I'm lonely now and I've been lonely for a long time.
I'm completely celibate. I miss touch.
She refused to discuss our marriage and now it's just too late really.
My faith has been effected by this and I'm low.
So unfortunately you're wrong. I'm sorry to say.
I've read alot of these comments and I need to give my opinion. The men speaking here sound absolutely beaten to the ground. You guys have forgotten what it's like to truly be a man (or maybe you never have). Women don't like needy, wimpy men. While your home worrying about what your wife/girlfriends doing, she likely out looking for "real" man. I know it hurts to hear this, but it's true. Men have been getting "de-masculated" by women for 20+ years now. You need to fix yourself first, build your self-esteem before a woman will fall for you. That's what women are looking for in my opinion.
Five love languages is amazing!
I've done all 7 since the beginning. Matter of fact, she always loved that about me. When we got married, she thought accountability was control. She ran from it. Even though I'm still the same loving person...10 years later she's still mistreating me...and our kids. Now she's also has a girlfriend and *loves her* and not me anymore......but then tells me I don't love her?
Funny how some people make this world about them. Their needs. Their desires. Their need to avoid saying sorry. If you don't fulfill what she wants, she complains you're a bad person and doesn't love her.
I think some people make excuses because they're scared of change.
My kids asked me to break up with her because she's a bad mom. So..now I'm down this path to divorce. She's in therapy, life coach and etc. I wouldn't want her back after being in a miserable marriage that was often sexless. I tried to love her life christ loved the church. I think if the person is emotionally stable, things would be great. Unfortunately I picked a bad apple.
I read your comments. I'm having a difficult time with my wife right now. Everything I do seems to set her off. I look for God and his answers. She really is not into that and thinks I'm weird for looking to God. But I still love her and I am still trying to figure out the situation. Thanks for reading
Ok Gwena, I agree on some points but the slap on the rear gets me a harsh "dont do that, I dont like it". As does everything else I do to try to get close. All I get is rejection, after so many rejections it is hard to keep trying to try. Why should I keep trying if all I do is get shot down. I'm not talking about sex just physical contact.
Aaron, This sounds similar to my situation. For years I have felt that my wife does not even respect or like me. I had an epiphany a month ago after stumbling on the subject of covert narcissism and emotional abuse. Google it. I never would have thought my wife was a narcissist, but she fits the covert variety to a T. After 22 years of marriage, I now believe that i was simply fooling myself about the nature of our relationship. I believe that for her I was entirely a means for her to attain status and a provider, by having a handsome successful, good income earning man under her control. For years she has made me feel inadequate and withheld sex and even any admiration or affection. I would have been happy to have had sex as often as 12 times per year. I kept giving her the benefit of the doubt - attributing my frustration to the fact we had young kids, that she is the mom of the house and keeping everything in order etc.
It's devastating. For years I have clung to the image of the bright perky and vivacious and charming person I once knew, thinking in time as life gets easier she would return. I now believe that that was only ever a mask, that I still sometimes put on when there are others she wants to impress, but I see as totally fake. I now do not believe that there was any true emotional love for me. I was a "get" and she got me.
She played the part for a number of years, and I foolishly thought having kids might help. Fortunately the kids are terrific. But over the past decades, she has ground down my spirit. It is only since the kids have reached their teen years that I have seriously entertained leaving and started to research what is wrong with our relationship. I am now a 45 year old man who feels like he gave a good chunk of his life to a parasite who will now kick into vengeful mode when I break things off as she seems to have such little regard for me as a person already.
Gwena, I've tried that, What if the more you love God in Christ, the more she hates you?
Good information
My wife had sex with another man n I had sex with weman in the past now I feel she dont want me no more what do I do
7 yrs of a wild roller coaster, ill keep it shor i was young n wild and careless. Met the girl of my dreams and dint know it. So i fooled around n and finally cought up to me. Have 2 beautiful boys house job work hard and the most amazing person in my life (besides my boys) my wife, going 7yrs later 5 of them marrid. She found out of my foolishness and still gave a a second chance. At a 5yr marker. 2yrs later about a week ago she tells me she loves me as the father of her children but is not in love with me. I cried n told her i was sorry for a misshap that happened that week ago. I thoght i would be ok. Since for thoes 2 years i was a change man stay straight and dint not comitted anny offense to my marriage. Welp that weekend afo was ny final straw. (It felt like almost an excuse to just leave me) so i beg and beg to just this once believe me. Now if thoght we were room mates b4 now is the real deal. Besides not "dont care for sex i could go a life time with out it" phrase she trew at me. Im broken and willing to stake my life for a solution.
What do you do when you have been doing all this and more for ten plus years and it is now taken for granted
I'm recently Married to a Det.Srg. and at first we used to have sex all the times. But now she don't want to anymore and also she doesn't even let me touch her at night,hug her or even feel her...... I'm desperate for her attention even a simple affection from her but she is not even affectionate.
What can I do?
Anthony, Try the recommendations in this article and some of the others under the topic Love is Gone. -Kurt
Dear Sir,
I've tried everything you mentioned and even more than that a lot. I take the kids to school, I bath then, dress them up, feed them, play with them and put them to bed ((everyday)).
I listen to her, I have her complete freedom to do whatever she wants to the point where she hardly stays at home. I give her massages almost every day. I cook for her and make her coffee. I even prepare everything for her friends when the come over. All I get from her is I don't love you anymore and let's stay friends for the sake of the kids.
I have expressed my feelings about her and asked her why she has fallen out of love with me? I just want to know why?? She never answers my question and becomes silent.
Please help me.
Sincerely,
Khalid
Khalid, It sounds as though she needs some space, and she may feel a bit crowded. Try spending some time doing something you enjoy on your own, like a hobby or take a class - something just for you. -Kurt
Don't it ain't worth is I wasn't feeling loved by my wife and some gold digger was telling me all I wanted to hear and now my wife is gone and she may never come back and it's hurts me everyday to the core and all I did was text the girl no sex no kiss not even a hug but I can't understand why my wife is mad I broke out trust I embarrassed my wife and my family and I pray to God she realizes how sorry I am she told me today she doesn't live me anymore and I almost died in the inside find a way to stay together love your wife do things together be happy cuz when she's gone your life won't be the same I guarantee it I'm only 27 and ppl keep saying I have my whole life ahead of my but I'm life less without my girl God bless and hang in there bro
Problem is our forefathers ruined it for us. They let women join the workforce...in doing so they made us future men obsolete to women. They don't need us for provision anymore...so unless your doing the dishes or changing a diaper you are useless to them. Thanks grandpa for being lazy and dropping the social ball...
But there are some people on which love is wasted. Often a person has an unloving heart because they are selfish and self centered. So, the advice to a man who does not feel loved by his wife is for that man to spend more attention to the wife and try to please her more? Would not it be healthy for the man to accept that he is worthy of love, and that he should not be treated that way?
This is one of the most gynocentric pieces of crap I have ever had to read from a therapist. No relationship is going to work without two people putting forth effort to make it work. I hope you really don't buy into the notion that in order to feel loved by your wife you have to give more of your depleted self to make that happen.
Who's side are you on??
Jon, I don't take sides. I have written several articles for both husbands and wives. Also, the suggestions work for both men and women regardless of the title. - Dr. Kurt
Thank you for some great advice.
LG, I'm glad you found it helpful. - Dr. Kurt
Definitely written by a woman
Sad
i think you failed to acknowledge the possibility of a wife being a unappreciative bitch? Maybe a Man is bound to act a certain way (by his very nature) and a women another way (by her very nature) and maybe men are more in tune of these things where as women have a problem accepting what they don't see on television....
Noneof, Almost always change is needed by both people. Sounds like the unappreciative wife needs to change for sure. But it's also a choice to stay with that kind of person if they don't change. -Kurt
it's not a choice when you're the dependent spouse financially and you have two young children together.
Jack, It may not seem like it, but we always have a choice. You can choose to take some steps to start to change your financial dependence - I know this typically doesn't change overnight. Thinking we don't have a choice is a way we trap ourselves with our minds and keep ourselves stuck. -Kurt
I fund that wrong I have notice many men copy what they see from their fathers therefore thats incorrect. How about you treat your wife or girlfriend the lsame way exactly you treat your mother, father, and or friends. Nothing is more unattractive than no effort. What so hard with communication, and acting like a Justin Bieber fan to your wife no effort. Exactly!
If there is nothing more unattractive than no effort....then all of us men should have absolutely no attraction to our wives. We live in a pathetic world of want to be Princesses that call all men "boys" and treat them as such and the turn around and say, "why doesn't he act like a man?" What possible motivation do we have? Remember, there is nothing more unattractive than no effort.
Thank you as i believe thats my situation.
I do all bathrooms, get kids ready most mornings the mornings. Started taking out trash religiously. Got her a treadmill in the basement so she can work out from home if she wants..and went 3days ago to bestbuy to surprise her with that over the neck bluetooth headphone. She told me yesterday i have never beem romantic in this marriage 6yrs of marriage.
Hey Quentin. Giving Advice for marriage is tricky because everyone is so different. . . However, I will offer you my thoughts on your situation. Are you suddenly being romantic, taking care of kids, and doing house chores etc, But you almost never did before? If so, thats your problem. My husband did that too, and nothing smells fishier. It made me only more angry that he would think doing these things all of a sudden would make me like him. The thing to do here is not turn into a different person. I don't know why your wife is not feeling love for you, but whatever the reason, she may need some space and time to sort out her feelings and/or to heal from anything hurting her. Do you think there is a way to give her this? Encourage her to spend time with friends, or pursue a hobby she's always wanted to. Support her from the sidelines, don't get in her face. And you go on doing your hobbies and things that make you happy. A happy person is attractive. A happy person is not a lovesick lost puppy. Does this make any sense to you? I tried explaining this to my husband but he doesn't get it. He gets angry and tells me Im wrong, that Im pushing him away and looking for excuses. Well yes in a way I am pushing him away because I feel like I am suffocating! Well, maybe I helped, maybe I didnt, but here's to a good try.
Gwendolyn, I have the same problem that Quentin has. However, I always cleaned the house, took care of the kids, cooked, cleaned, ironed, I do it all. However my problem was that for 3 years I worked the night shift at the hospital and she worked the day shift so there was never time for us. Now that I have a better position, in the daytime, she tells me she loves me but not in love with me. I've tried to give her space, but still I want to cure this b/c I've never cheated, i've always tried to be the best husband/father that I could be. She even asked me the other day, why do I love her if what she gives me is only 50% and I give her 100%. I told her that b/c I love you unconditionally. She just stays quiet. She says we have no chemistry anymore and she told me that she would've understood if I had a side chick. I'm so confused on what to do, cause Im 35 and I don't want to love someone who doesn't love me.
Hi Alfred. Like I said, everyone is so different. Do you think it's possible your wife is having or has had an affair? Maybe she is feeling guilty, that explains the 50% comment.
I wish I could help, I know how it sucks to be in a messed up marriage. Just from my perspective, I would say stop saying "I love you" in words. Not verbally, not in text messages, not anything. Say it with a smile. Continue on with life as if everything is fine. Saying "I love you" can feel like pressure if the other person isn't feeling the same way. Give her some time to work out her feelings. It may take a long time, like at least 6 months, so be prepared to be patient.
Well, that's all I have. Best of luck to you.
Hi Alfred,
Hi Alfred,
I am in your same position.
We are married for about 7 year and the last year I’ve been worked the last 12 months at the construction of our house.
14 days ago we started talking and she told me she had feeling for a colleague. Nothing really happened (is what she told me and I want to believe).
But we discussed a lot of things, even that go back for years. She told me the chemistry is gone.
We decided to try to work it out but she arrived at the point that she really wanted to leave me.
I staid really calm and talked with her, emotionally it is really hard but I felt it was the only way. If I responded differently it would have been worst.
It is really hard and I hope to be able to handle this, because I cannot stop thinking about everything.
Hopefully I will not crack during the next weeks..
My plan is to support her trying and put in the effort without pushing even when I feel she is not doing the same.
Time will tell..
P
Phil and everyone, Its been 2 months since I posted. Things have gotten a bit better. I think that the kids have a lot to do with this situation. She doesn't want to split our family apart, but she still isn't very affectionate as she once was and sex is now in the mornings only (quickies ughhh) I've been tempted to seek someone on the side, but i don't think I want to cross that road, I still love her, but i'm not ready to give up yet. Gentlemen, I don't know all your individual cases, i'll give you what I've learned. Keep them guessing, remember your the MAN of the relationship, be gentle with her feelings, but don't be her girlfriend. Go to the gym, make time for yourself, don't give yourself entirely. Remember you are a good father and/or good husband, no matter what Kurt says, its not always your fault. Take ownership for your mistakes, but realize that your effort is not in vain.
Most important, Think before you talk!
Alfred, "no matter what Kurt says, its not always your fault." There's nothing in this article (or on this site) that say it's always the man's fault. Read it again. -Kurt
Phill, I'm in almost the exact situation you are just a few weeks behind. Please let me know how it's going now. Were you able to work it out? I hope so. Not that it will affect my situation but maybe something encouraging will help the pain.
Thank Brad
1. "Man up", sexist, condescending and demeaning to men. Why shouldn't wives "woman up"??
2. "Do things that make her feel she's who you want to be with -- instead of your phone, or softball buddies, or ESPN, or a beer." and there ya' go, assuming men are inattentive, i.e., it's 'his' fault.
3. "Compliment her" ... and there ya' go again, assuming men are inattentive and never compliment their wives, i.e., it's 'his' fault.
4. "Touch without sex". Really? I've been doing that for 45 years. When would you say that it's been long enough?? Really, Doc, don't you think we're on to your man=bad, woman=good B/S by now?
5. "Talk to her". Sure! Of course! Why didn't I think of that! Ya' know how we men never talk ... wait a minute ... women accuse of us of talking too much ...but then not enough ... is this an alternate universe?? C'mon, Doc, you know you're full of it.
6. "Be honest". Sure. Ever hear of the fable of the scorpion and the tortoise? Women can NOT be trusted with your innermost feelings and thoughts, they'll just use them against you. Like the scorpion, it's in their nature. So far, you're no help. Heard it all before.
7. "Be consistent". Why? Women aren't consistent. Not even close. Today Yes means Yes, tomorrow No means No. Two days from now who the hell knows what they mean. But I'm beginning to get your drift. Men must be perfect and have the patience of Job with no guarantees. Or ... they could go get a real life.
I think a relationship is a two way street, after all it takes two to tango. Yet I feel that I am the only one who cares. My wife can go on for weeks, months without a touch. And whenever she is with me, it feels like she doing me a favor. She does not talk as much or ask questions. I have three kids with her and this is the price I have to pay. Her personality is like that and there nothing I can do about that. It's been 7 years so far. She is just someone I live with who is helping me raise my kids. A huge Iceberg in my bed.
Geo, This statement is not true, "there nothing I can do about that." You may or may not be able to change her, but that doesn't mean you have to accept it unless you choose to. I hope you'll get some professional counseling help so you can learn how you can influence her to change. -Kurt
Im with u there buddy trying to get this figured out for myself
Good to know. I thought i was the only one to encounter this. I just dont get it. However you pin pointed my situation as well to a t.
Pull the blanket from over your head, take it from somebody who is feeling bad right now, perhaps your wifes responses are due to all youre selfish actions in the past, help your wife tidy up, come in from work and just hug her, even if you get the smallest amount of time together, try to appreciate every bit you get because when its your last it will break your heart, you married your wife for a reason, you devoted your life together and decided on children, find the ember in the fire and never let the fire become just ash, youll miss her, maybe she hurts you right now, but there is good in everybody, sometimes we are so blind in what we see we dont see how others see us..
Thanks for those words. We can be selfish to and not see the little things that they do.
right on man..... and it won't change. I've been married for 29 years and it's the sames as it was from the very first year. it's not going to change unless SHE changes her outlook and becomes selfless and giving.
My wife reads the bible daily and you'd think that it would sink it but no such luck. It sort of seems like the more she reads the bible the more she will distance herself instead of becoming more close and intimate.
She's not affectionate to our kids and certainly not to me.
Geo, I have the same probleem but it has been 12 years. I hang in there for the kids sake. I still love my wife i just hate the situation. When we do have sex it does feel like a favor. with my wife it is a favor that she shows that she doesnt realy want to do it but is doing it out of mercy.
hi i been married 8 years i have two girls with my wife since day theres been arguing and fights on and off relationship i dont want to loose her i love her i fell into bad steps at beginning of my marriage drugs and always with friends now thank god im out of that been good but she always brings up my past constant fighting n arguing now we hardly talk she avoids me and i keep trying i dont know what else to do anymore
Albert, Do you know what she wants you to change about yourself? That's a good place to focus. Fighting and arguing take 2 people though, so you both have work to do in that department. -Kurt
Man, i feel like im in your boat. At first i made mistakes and i didnt kniw better. But they werent the things shes made 'mistakes' on. Hers were so much worse and some more than once. I cant dare bring it up bc she will just shut me out. She makes herslef out to b the victim almost always and doesnt want to take responsibility for her mishaps or anything
I feel as if we wear the same shoes. I know I've been wrong with name calling and what not, but in reality I feel that most was perpetuated from my personal stress of dealing with a liar,etc. HELP
7YR mirage...marriage TWO year old son!
J.Merk, "I know I've been wrong with name calling and what not, but in reality I feel that most was perpetuated from my personal stress of dealing with a liar,etc." Own your wrong behavior without justifying. It helps to understand what contributed to you doing it, but that still doesn't change the fact that it's wrong. Changing your behavior is the first step you can take to change your marriage. -Kurt
I'm in the same spot. I'm 35 and looking at my fate, wondering if I'm overanalizing, I'm so strong yet this is chaos... It torments me.
I'm going to break it off. I have 2 sons, I'm only still in this for them. It's better for them. I wondered if I was lying to myself, nope, this situation can't change, it has to cease. I don't want to be 60 living in regret. One life!
So my wife tells me she doesn't feel anything for me. We're middle aged parents of two boys at home. It's busy and there's been little time for each other. I don't feel like I "need" her attention, or even her love as much as I know she needs to feel it from me. I'm not good at it. Seems like anything I might "try" now would be hollow. Now what?
Jesse, Some times it does feel hollow before it starts to feel real again. The only way it will change is if you do something though. -Kurt
What should I do if I think I Am Falling Out Of Love? Learn what it takes to stop Falling Out Of Love, feel in-love again and have a happy relationship.
You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
Many husbands (and wives) are not "in love" with their partners any longer.
Married 27yrs falling out love
Randy, Sorry to hear that, but you can do something about it too. -Kurt
As a woman reading all of you men's comments...I would like to give my two cents. I hope you all don't mind. I feel all of your pain through your written words on my screen...
First God made most men much more visual and physical than most men. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. He created man and woman to become one flesh, well after the purpose of worshipping Him of course.
The sexiest thing you can do for your wife? Love God. Above and before anything else, even her. All the rest will fall into place - Matthew 6:33.
The 2nd sexiest thing you can do for your wife? Treat your wife as Christ treats the church. He loved us so much he became obedient even to the point of death. You sacrifice yourself for her, and she knows there is nothing you would not do for her. She knows you place her needs above your own. She feels your unconditional, agape love.
3rd sexiest thing you can do for your wife? Kiss her, hold her hand, hug her, slap her rear end all in affectionate fun without ANY expectations of sex/making love. Eventually you will be surprised how turned on she becomes...she might even actually initiate sex.
Want to turn off your wife super fast? Make her feel like she is just there to meet your needs.
Hope this helps, at least a little. Remember, a husband is his wife's servant leader. Stop worrying about what she is doing wrong, and fix yourself. Said in love. (Women are naturally nurturing, most of us...)
I also highly recommend two books after the Bible of course:
Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages
The Love Dare
Good "luck" guys - may God be with you, as you see for yourself firsthand and experience what surrendering to your own selfish desires does to bless you, your wife, your marriage and your family.
Much love.
Gwena
you are absolutely right in all points. God is a jealous God and HE wants our love before anyone else. But the thing is if we love him and follow his word he leads and corrects us in our marriages. He is for marriages , he states in the bible he HATES divorce. So guys Gwena is telling you the absolute truth. The sex part is real hard for us guys but she is exactly right again . God made women so gosh darn beautiful it's hard for men because we are so visually stimulated. My problem is putting all my eggs in one basket my wife and I need to get out there and have a life apart from her , but at the end of the day come together and enjoy one another. We are both on disability and she's right we spend way to much time together and not enough apart alone or with other friends especially me. I have a very low self asteem I guess and I really need to build that because that's one thing my wife says is very attractive about a man. Thank you Gwena for those comments because there directly from the God of heaven to those men who are struggling .
Thank you so much for your advice.everything u stated my wife has said time and time again.now shes stopped and seems she doesn't love me anymore.I'm not giving up,I'll keep trying to fix what I broke.thanks again n god bless
I agree with everything you have said. But I would like to comment and it may seem like I am disagreeing, I'm not. What is hard for me as a man is that it seems you hear (from men and women ) what we men have to differently to "win" our wives and persue her. Not that there is anything wrong with that but it seems like everything goes in one direction and if men want something that it is shallow. It took me a long time to learn this but as men, we are prizes to be one as well. It is so foreign to us that even that concept doesn't make much sense to us. We are treasured human beings as well worthy of pursuit and to be cherished. It almost seems like no matter what the circumstance, the man is the one that has to do the fixing or the changing. That just isn't always true and I think it sends a dangerous signal. Case in point, this article is about men feeling unloved. Yet I almost feel like I am hearing that it is the man's fault that he is unloved and or it is because of something that he hasn't done or that he can do differently. No question no that the intent is for men to read this article and these are little tips and tricks that he can do,. I understand that. But if we are not careful this can sound very conditional. I just want men to understand that you are treasured human beings as well. And that you are beautifully and wonderfully made by God as well in a very important part of the family. That role should be honored and respected by all including yourself.
As far as the sex thing. I do not want to have sex with my wife if she does not want to have sex with me back. Again. If we are not careful this can sound very conditional. Like sex is a reward or payment for something. A lot of women say that they want emotional intimacy or to be touched or to be listened to. Is that any different? What if someone said meet this need or that need and then I will give you physical touch or emotional intimacy or I will listen to you.? Both partners have an obligation to pursue sex at times and both partners have an obligation to pursue physical touch emotional intimacy and listen to each other. If one is out weighing the other there is an imbalance that is unhealthy I feel. One person feels pursued and the other one does not. The Bible teaches us that we don't have to do anything to earn God's love. That is unconditional love. I feel as if a husband and a wife should love each other the same way. That of course is a perfect world. Good luck to all you guys. I know I feel desperately unloved by my wife and it is debilitating. I don't know where to turn or where to go. But I will absolutely be trying to put into practice some of the suggestions that you guys have made thank you.
You are absolutly right. I feel like a slave in my own home. Do everything for her and forget about myself. That is how i feel. In one aspect i guess i felt that is what God wanted. Live a servent life. He did everything for the church without expecting anything in return. But not getting anything in return hurts and i need something. I am not God and i cant live in a marriage with no return. I ahhve been hanging on for 12 years. I want my marriage to be a strong one but i cant get there. The struggle is hard and i am thankfull to posts like these that let me know i am not alone and others deal with this as well.
Hello,
I'm in the same situation, I've been married for six years. It started out great and quickly went south. I compliment my wife all the time. I do random things to show her I appreciate her, but get no response from her. About a year ago she told me she was upset because I wasn't holding her enough. We talked and I finally opened up to her about some things that happened to me when I was a kid. Showing affection is hard for me, but I promised I would try harder. I thought I was by stepping out of my comfort zone. I guess it wasn't fast enough because now she's out all the time. Sometimes she doesn't come home out partying with friends. I don't know what to do because I love my wife, but now its a situation where I feel used and mistreated. I've tried talking to her about it and all she says is she needs time. I'm trying to be patient giving g her time and space, but I feel she just doesn't care anymore. Does anyone have any suggestions?
Hi Arthur.
I'm in the same situation as you, apart from I've only been married for a year! We've been together for about the same time though.
On reflection, I think it's my wife feeling trapped more than anything else. The approach I'm taking (which I'm hoping will work) is to allow her the space to go out with friends and have her be honest and open with me if she has thoughts about being with someone else. At the same time, I'm going to try and find ways to make our life together more adventurous. Not even thinking about the sex front. Just normal aspects to remove the monotony of life. I'm hoping that it will show her that because we're committed to each other, we don't have to lose who we really are and what what we still want to experience in life.
It's our anniversary soon and I'm scrapping the idea of a quiet meal in a romantic restaurant (what she would expect) for cocktails and dancing. We never just have fun anymore as life is always so adult. Maybe we just need some time to be teens again...
I'm not sure if this will help or not, but I sure hope something here will serve you well
Hi I'm wondering how your idea of dancing and drinks went? Is your relationship doing any better or worse? If so how and why. Trying to compare to mine seeing that I'm in the same boat. A loveless, sexless, unhappy marriage at the moment.
very true every word you said is true and some men are afraid of admitting it thanks Paul I've been say this for years
Chris
im very sorry that your wife made you feel this way but im most positive that no matter what you are going through she will be there for you. in fact i know her pretty well. she has always stood by your side and is offering to walk this road with you. you MUST forgive yourself for your doings first and then go to her and ask her to hold your hand through this terrible time. she is a fair person especially when it comes to you. you NEED her NOW! let her be that shoulder to lean on for you! you would do the same for her, right???? You can do this but you do NEED HER. Especially now no matter the outcome of your marriage. it may help her to understand more. let her do this for your children also. they NEED their father more than you know. theres not much she wouldnt do for you!
Well bro...they are never gonna change so...either stop complaining or leave her. Is this what you really want? You know all that stay together no matter what crap was initiated in a time where men were leaders and women wanted to be lead. It's a different day and age now. We honestly need to resort to the behavior of 1960's women. We need to start leaving these maniacal chicks, we need to go solo and train our boys to not need women. We need to make these ladies useless to us. This is what they wanted right? To not be attached to men? It's giving them what they wanted. The best thing you can teach a young boy these days is to go solo, get a vasectomy, get a call girl when you need sex and teach them to not give a penny to a woman.
I feel your pain...its like your watching my life and decided to write about it.thanks..ill read your comments to find out what to do..leave..or stay..
Hey buddy I hate to tell you but sounds like your wife is having affairs.
I am in the same situation Phil. I am happy that you clarified that it is not always the men at fault. Society always tends to point the blame on the men. Like you said, we are worthy as well. I feelings has changed after 28 years of marriage. Thanks for your input.
Phil, i feel what your saying.. I am not gonna lie to you though, now that my wife says she doesnt love me anymore i have sat analyzed our relationship and come to the conclusion that i am a self centered ass. My wife was and is great and its I that has changed.. I dont treat her like i used to.. I would never have chosen to go fishing over spending time with her when i was first tryna get with her.. I have been doing that to her the last couple of years.. I dont put her first anymore.. I love my wife and i dont want to lose her.. So screw what im feeling its about her i can find the happy medium later, for now i must make her love me again...
Frank, That's impressive that you realized all this and are going to do what you can to make it work. Thanks for sharing. Best wishes. -Kurt
Phil, very good points. It's not only that our needs should be fulfilled but that it needs to be possible. If your wife is rebellious because it makes her feel empowered and she is satisfied by this, then you have a real challenge on your hands.
Did my wife love me
This is the most sane answer yet. I agree with ALL these talking points. In our society men have become the "blame" for it all. Even when we are NOT the cause, we must become the initiators of repair and forgo our own hurt and disappointment to make the other feel "loved". What about us? What about our spirit and joy. MGTOW.
I'm proud of you Frank !!! Some men don't realize what you have until the marriage is over....and some never do at all. Next week is my 30th Wedding Anniversary...It took me until my 10th before I figured out that the way my father treated my mother wasn't going to work...He was domineering and a controller. My mom didn't know any other way and went along with it but I know now she was very unhappy. I was a complete mass to my wife and am happy I found a different way...it took some time but it's well worth it ! Love your wife and treat her with the respect she deserves...it will be worth it I promise you....
Completely irrelevant, but as a married woman... if my husband was honest like this and determined as you, I wouldn't even be questioning our marriage. The chase is what first caught her anyway right?
Who says that should end when you get married? Your comment made my heart stop. Keep pursuing her, if it was ever really love she'll welcome you back without question.
I understand I have been for 15 years now, she said she don't love me, but still wants me to prove I love her and the kids.
Thanks for pointing this out, Phil. A lot of the comments for men "falling out of love," by Gwena, even by Kurt, suggest that the solution is to "man up" and start appreciating her. Clearly all human beings need appreciated. And it is a loving husband's job (even without the Bible or using it as a crutch or convenient source of only those nuggets of directed "wisdom" you want to cherry pick to force into your argument) to ensure that his wife is appreciated.
That said, I get weary, leary, wary and quite exasperated by hearing how "she" needs you to consistently "put her needs above yours..." Welcome to the central cliche of our culture when it comes to "successful" marriages. It pervades the women's magazines, the underlying desires of heroines in modern novels and films written for and by women -- give it a rest! Most of the men I know who feel unloved in their relationship feel so because they CONSTANTLY hear how what THEY do, say, or DON'T DO and say makes HER feel unwanted. Meanwhile, men are trying to reconcile the reality of their loveless wife with the way culture presents the cliche of "what women are or aren't." Gwena says most women are nurturing, Kurt perpetuates the cliche most women want compliments about how attractive they are, Jeff unwittingly reminds us men are constantly shown how sexy and comely women are in ads, movies, and television but then tries to scold us it's men's fault for desiring to pursue them sexually when our image and sound bite driven culture objectifies them more now than ever in history. All this static IGNORES how men are just as much programmed and the "victims" of cliches and pop culture poppycock as women are. We TOO want someone to help us navigate through the complexities of being male, of being human, and of being recognized and guided for and through our frailties, misgivings and foibles. Aaron says it the best and says it honestly -- evoke God and guilt and ancient imaginary friends as much as you like - we are NOT God and should stop trying to BE God. Men, like women, need attention and need to know they are wanted, important, relevant and more than just "servant leaders." That platitude and rhetorical garbage borrowed from business leadership rubric may sell self-help books (and be a catchy phrase to put on a website like this one), but I don't want to lead in my relationship anymore than the women's magazines for the last thirty years say women always want to. I don't want my home life with my wife to emulate the obligations, pangs, frustrations, and entrapments of my work life! I want a relief from that - a respite from that, a partner who feels the same and will not make ME the sole source of her escape from "grunting and sweating under a weary life." Stop perpetuating the cultural myth that the twenty-first century woman is a nurturing, delicate, precious, fragile blossom who needs a man to maintain her phony, contradictory, extremely mixed up cultural reputation/image!! PEOPLE, not man/woman, need to "love" and nurture each other. Is SHE can pull HER weight doing that, SHE needs the counseling and redirection every bit as much as the man Kurt, Gwena, Jeff et. al want to condemn and consign to sole responsibility.
You must get out there too then. Stay positive and do things for yourself away from your spouse when she's at home. There's nothing wrong with giving each other some space for some self reflection. You sound lost and unhappy...you must find your happiness before you can even attempt saving your marriage. Keep yourself busy...maybe going for a walk or going to the gym to workout. Exercising will stimulate your inner core to give you confidence in yourself. If you spouse cares she will notice the positive changes that you are taking. You need to get out of that self funk feeling trapped. I believe in the end you must fix your self before you go in and manage your relationship.
Wow Phil, that's what i think almost every guy in this world has been wanting to say but didn't know how to, or was scared that he might have it all wrong and be accused of being sexist like every other man who has ever tried to defend himself against this one sided load of crap! ! I'm sorry but there's no other way to say this.we've been brain washed since birth to believe that we're bad to women, bad in general compared to women, and that we need to constantly compensate women. We can all see this very Cleary in all these kinds of discussions. And of course there are exceptions and regardless of any of this i still love women with all my heart. No one person is to blame for this ( probably the biggest myth in all human history ) but people have to open their eyes because we have forgotten one very important thing in our attempt to compensate women, and spend our lives being heroic white knights ( our sons!! ) Make one little sacrifice for all our sons and take a good look at the issues of suicide. This very issue "almost" took the life of one of these sons this week and that person was me. I came so close to killing myself this week that it's nothing short of a miracle that im still here, and it's not a coincidence that I'm here on this site and talking about this one sidedness with our wives. I strongly believe that most men feel like this but instead of being heard and treated fairly, they're abandoned by their wives for simply trying to find fairness and shamed for even mentioning it. It's the perfect storm. Men are dropping like flies. If people would have just taken the time to look, they would have seen!!
I don't think it is that men have to pursuit the woman and always keep her happy. Us women take a lot more to get where you guys are physically. We have so many things going on in our day and those play out all day in our heads and our mind can't just turn those things off. We need someone who is willing to listen, be there, be patient, and caring so that we are able to wind down to be with them romantically.
We are not able to just turn off our day at night and be physical. We need all that extra stuff. So it's not that you guys are our slaves but we need more than you do to get where you want us to be.
If that makes sense and becomes a part of your everyday rputine then we will get what we want and you will get what you want. 🙂
Does that make sense?
I'm sure it makes sense to you, Claire, but the reality is that is always takes more AND THERN more AND THEN more because the inevitable, inescapable FACT is that women are incapable of loving men in the way men can love women. For example, says it takes 100 compliments (or whatever) to make a woman interested in being intimate today. tomoprrow it will take 110 compliments, the next day 120, and so on. Plus there will be additional never-ending hurdles. The reason is that YOU, Claire (or whomever) really doesn't love her mate, she's always waiting for the BBD (bigger, better deal), and only succumbs in a sense of pity or obligation - which any man can see right through..
In response to Red, I have been married to my husband for 16 years since i was 19...and I've always been more like a guy when it came to sex...I'm always ready to show my husband how much I want him need him and love him how much I've missed him all day...dealing with this mad world and I have never once pushed him away for any reason...whether i was upset with him or anything..off and on we have had our share of troubles(he screwed up big time,3times) but 4 children later we are still here together,more or less I've put my needs last and my family's n his first.Since he has always gotten his needs met without any consequences for his behavior in other aspects of marriage, I feel like he stopped appreciating how lucky he is, I mean compared to some of the examples I'm hearing about wives out there now. I always was upfront that the worst thing one can do is push the other away..physically emotionally etc...i mean I'm in this with him not against him so if theres a problem let's fix it together and then f* it out..i know I'm wierd..but now he had gotten so selfish and has his ego so inflated that he has even said to me"if u want sex u should look elsewhere I'm too tired dont forget im 12 yrs older I cant keep up with u anymore..I work tomorrow i need sleep "...who chooses sleep over sex? I dont get it...I mean I'm tired of always initiating..I wanna feel like the girl I wanna be the one bothered so much that I can say playfully of course"stop it ...behave urself"..I have so many ppl consider me a friend but i dont indulge in going out or that whole girl time scene..I pull my fair share of the wieght..but no matter how I say it or scream it..I'm not heard he has no fear of losing me since pretty much he has done his worst and I'm still here so it's like he feel he has me locked down n I wont leave him....or what I'd he not into it anymore? I always got where he was coming from I dont get this..any advice? I'm lost here..n let me say I'm not unattractive I can still turn a man's head...of any age. But I never notice...lately I'm noticing.....if any of u men have a good girl that met ur needs b4 then stopped...she is capable so fight for her jump thru the hoops do anything do something get her back...dont just sit around and wonder..do something...that's all a real woman needs if she ever really loved u...that's means she never stopped loving u ...maybe she just stopped showing you...to get ur attn...do all u can if it doesnt work out ur conscience is clear u tried all u could ...
Gwen, don't forget about 1 Corinthians 7:5
My wife would kill me if I did the crap you just wrote. God isn't a priority in everyones lives you know...
gwena.....
You may actually believe it's that simple but I know (after 29 years) that it's just not that simple with women.
Men are VERY simple. It's the women that complicate it all.
Why is it that MEN have to do ALL of these combinations just have a woman express a little love? Are you serious?! We have to work and work and work at the combination just have a little bit of loving thrown at us. Wow.... talk about selfish. I blame it on the poison of feminism: It has it claws sunk into all of us. As a result, women and men become lonely.
I've attempted everything under the son and nothing changes. I get to live the lonely life and my wife gets to be queen... yeah, great life. It's no wonder men cheat and/or get divorced. All the power is in the woman's hands. How she behaves determines the relationship and the household. Men will do anything for their wives. What a let down. Women hold all the power and they don't even know it!
I disagree. I think woman know they have that power and they use it to their advantage.
Agreed. Women control sex and they know it, especially in the western democracies. If you chose to be a slave to them and yield control of your life to them then that is on you. Stop complaining and accept your predicament.
I have been reading numerous articles about what i need to do to be the man my wife needs. Most of it focuses on the same aspects. However i have a special kind of wife. After our second child she stopped having a sexual drive. this is the start of alot of the issues. Long story short, It has been 12 years since that event and our marriage has been crap for all of them. I am told to love her, which i have, show her you love her by hugging and kissing her. She doesnt like that and turns from it. Tell her your feelings. She doesnt care about those and tells me that my feelings are wrong. However she wants me to listen to hers. Love God which i have been doing but i find myself struggling more and more with this as this situation continues to get worse. Treating my wife as God treat the Church. I have sacrificed many things for her in an attempt to show her my love. We have sex maybe 12 times a year. I refrain from spending any time with her because she needs her space. I usually do not touch her or hug her anymore at her request. All these are my love language. I do not feel like i am in a marriage. More like a business deal that i would rather get out of. I have read the love languages and asked my wife what her love language is. She doesnt know. I ahve tried the love dare book which also fails. I love my children and as of late am only married so i can stay with them. I am at a loss and am one more time looking for answers. I am hating my life and this situation but am trapped in it. I know i m not without fault. A marriage is two people working hard together. I make mistakes to and have a short fuse. Totally opposite from when i first married her. I used to be calm in any situation and full of love. She tore that out of me and for the life of me i cant seem to get that back. ?Yes she would agree that she did tear that out of me. That was discussed and she apologized for beating me up our entire first year calling me weak and not a man because i was that way. That is in the past and all forgiven but i can never seem to go back to being that way. What other advice do you have. do you know any women that are similar to my wife. What do they need? What can i do?
Aaron, Yes, I know of similar relationships. Read through the articles under the topic Abusive Relationships and the comments from other men. You'll probably relate to a few of their stories. You're not alone. -Kurt
Hi guys, for the ones that are trying be patient. If you have been a certain way for many years it may take time for her to respond. She also may have resentment from the many years you have neglected the marriage. I know this is the case with me. I resent my husband for telling me I'm fat all the time during pregnancy and withholding sex. I was 135 pound at 5"6 before pregnancy and I feel so rejected and hurt by the insensitive comments about my weight. My husband has gained 40+ pounds in 6 years of marriage and I don't rub it in his face or tell him I'm not attracted to him anymore. I don't know how to fix this and make him desire sex again. I think after I had the baby I don't ever initiate sex again, it's so hard getting rejected all the time. My self esteem cannot take it.i know he's not cheating I have checked his phone and he is home whenever he is not at work. Kurt do you have advice for a woman in her early 30s to get her husband to desire her again sexually? we have had a stressful yesterday my mother was terminally ill and passed away a month ago, I am 9 month pregnant with our first child, his dad has cancer, his mother Is disabled and having surgery for her back. He said it's been stressful but I think we have snapped and taken things out on each other a lot. I have been very emotional this year with my mums illness and passing, workplace bullying and pregnancy. I have been seeing an individual counsellor who has been amazing and helped greatly. There is still love on both sides just lacking in intimacy. Please help kurt. I don't want to divorce I am willing to try anything.he doesn't think we really have problems, I am being dramatic.
Jen, It sounds like there have been a lot of external stressors lately. It's great you're seeking out counseling for yourself. Have you thought about having your husband join you? Read the articles in the Midlife Crisis section as well as others in the Love Is Gone section to for more information and ideas about what you can do. -Kurt
That's good gwena good advice thanks
There is so much that has happened beyond what I am going to say here but here it goes....first I Love God through his precious Son Jesus. I was married to my wife for many years before we were divorced due to my foolishness. We have since been remarried but we are not reconciled. She believes she made a big mistake by remarrying me and wants another divorce. I do not want a divorce and will not sign papers to make the divorce easy for both of us. She admits she does not want to be married to me and the feelings just ain't there anymore. We will both admit we are best friends and spend all our time together. I do everything you mentioned in this post as her husband and best friend since before our first divorce but she seems to be getting further away. She loves being my friend but does not want to be my wife. She too loves the Lord but has stated that she does not care if anyone sees her divorcing me as wrong. I know what I need to do which is just continue to love her unconditionally but I do get weary and would like to see her look at me as God intended for a wife to look at her husband. Needing a miracle.
I'm a devout Christian. I write Christian novels. Ive taught bible studies for all ages for the past 30 years, and embrace orthodox theology. Im writing this to you, Jacob, but many men (and women) on this site need to hear it. God does not fix things "in the World," He only fixes how we react to the World. The treasures He offers are ones that time and the conditions that the world cannot corrupt. What that means is that rather than hoping for a change in your wife, pray for a change in how you feel about your life. People are broken. We are all broken. The answer is not to look for a "miracle fix" from God, but to look for peaceful graceful grateful acceptance of things as they are. Look for the "peace that surpasses all understanding." I am not saying this is easy. And I am certainly not claiming i have achieved this. What i am saying is that it is the only answer in a World fraught with misfortune, pain, and broken fellow humans who hurt each other. When we give up on what we want and embrace what God gives us, real joy is possible. As my biblical support I will point out the disciples. Reviled, Jailed, tortured, finally executed, they did not ask for a miraculous change in circumstances. They joyfully embraced what was given them. And to repeat, NO, I am not always able to do this. I am no Saint. But i know that all other paths are human foolishness.
Thank you for your reply Scott. God's Word is truth. Thank you for helping me get back a clearer focus on the only thing I can change; which is me and my point of view. I'm looking up. As for my marriage; I believe there is a door of hope in the valley of Achor.
Jacob, I am sure I did not write a single thing you did not already know and believe. Sometimes it helps to just have someone else remind you of your own wisdom. You have that wisdom, and if I helped remind you, I am really glad. I will add one twist - also in agreement with what you are feeling. This is pretty mystical; I believe that when you change how you feel about the world, the world changes how it feels about you. So yes, when you stop focusing on what happens "in the world," and start fixing how you react to it, the "world," and this includes your spouse and everything and everyone else, will actually change for the better as well. So I am sure there IS hope in your dark valley. I don't pray for what I want, I pray for God to teach me to embrace what He wants for me.
Thank you so much for sharing your story Jacob. I too am going through something very similar with my wife. She keeps telling me that whenever I am ready to let her go, I can. I simply can't do that.
I have read a lot of the comments in this thread. I need some guidance I am a Christian my wife was had faith and her father opposed our marriage and meddled endlessly for the ten years we were together is an atheist, in the same way, a zealot might embrace a cause he held onto being an atheist. Now she and I are separated, not divorced, we don't talk despite her calling occasionally as I don't want her to know how hurt I am. I just want to become better and stronger. But her father is so proud of destroying our marriage he has been bragging in their village (it is England) and she no longer goes to church again something he is proud of. What if anything should I do?
The reason some look for a fix, because from birth things never stop..I had 66 surgeries...from birth and never end...So why is it that GOD allows this to happen??? how can we accept this? how can we accept all this pain/// and have a normal marriage./ when its all pain, then effects the mans sex life... and Then effects the marriage.. .My wife has been with me over almost 20 years, I got sick after 2 years of marriage and can't perform normal sex... Surprised she has not cheated.. but I feel like we are room mates.. and How and why does GOD allow this. you say we need to learn to live and accept it...Well when you have never ending PAIN... and we have a HORRIBLE health care system with messed up politicians who make it worse since it then becomes a money issue. Its like never ending issues.... I had a great career even through all this, which is why I got married.. and wanted to be in love I feel she and I both been cheated. .due to HOW this so called Life is and how we need to accept it....Some people clearly have no idea ... I gave GOD all the love, and helped people all my life, for 3 organs and 66 PAINFUL surgeries, STILL suffer in pain..due to lack of pain control... So is this what people get for loving GOD?? and accepting? a messed up marriage..and life...Sorry but not buying what some of you are saying... Some are upset there wife is not giving them sex....Well. for some, its much worse and that adds to it..When LIFE takes it all away including SEX, money and your self... So remember you may be upset about your wife not having sex, others have it worse....prolly only thing that helps me.. Only thing you can do is think about others....because some of us, will never get WHAT we want in our life....Sex, Money, Love, etc...My life is all about making my wife life better and my kids......My life is over.. on what I wanted....Thanks TO politicians, Health care insurance and other nonsense, which took this all away....
Thank you for that post it was so helpful God bless you!
Thanks Gwena that was some good word and what I'm going through as we speak I needed that.she's not in love with me anymore but I'm loving God now so he's working on me.because 1st tou have to love God.
I feel your pain man, what u just explained sounds exactly my life. Like almost word for word is how i feel. So ur definitely not alone.
I have put so much effort into trying anything to please her or put a spark in out relationship and nothing works.
Sometimes girls just think all guys want is SEX, sometimes its not about that at all.
I have come to the conclusion that nothing will ever change and that my life is just going to be more miserable as time goes on. There has to be a point when the wife wants to put some effort into the relationship as well. I always get blamed for relationship problems that was caused by her in the first place and ut always get turned around on me and it my fault now. I am honest and share all my thoughts n feelings and all i ever get is a reason not to sit next to me, not kiss me.
Sometimes u feel real useless when u work 9.5 hours a day and drive for 2 hours and cant get a hug or kiss when u get home, like thank for trying.
Im at a standstill, have 2 kids and after the second the sex went out the window, she has endometriosis and is painful to have sex, so it just causes more problems in out relationship.
Like the last guy said, i have sex about once a month and when it does happen its just like " lets get this over with" when all i really want is to feel loved maybe cuddle up close n kiss or something but doesn't always have to lead to sex.
If she would just have a somewhat open mind and locked on non-physical relationship things might not be so hard and difficult to understand if im just being used or if she really cares about me. When u think is dying is the only way out, it gets real hard for me to try anymore. Maybe im just supposed to be with my dad in heaven that this horrible lonly life always waiting to be loved or even feel important besides making money and providing house, food, car and everything any of them needs.
Idk but thanks for me knowing im not alone on the wife with no affection and no disire to please or love me
Andrew, This situation sounds very difficult and it sounds like you might be considering hurting yourself. Please call the national hotline at 800-273-8255 anytime 24/7 to talk to someone first. -Kurt
Thanks for sharing that ,Aaron. It almost sounds like you're describing my situation. Trapped with a woman who seems to despise me and has no interest in "working" on our relationship. I don't know what to say except, you're not alone man. I think there's a huge number of men going through similar situations largely for the kids. The one thing that seems to help me is turning away from focussing too much on her and our relationship and instead focussing on the other things ,outside family, that are important to me - hobbies, work , socializing etc. it helps me maintain some independence and strength and not be constantly stuck in the quagmire of me and her all the time.
Hey Aaron, lol this might sound funny but I'm going thru the same thing it's bad man trust me . I'm 29 been with my wife for 10yrs and married for 7yrs now we have 3 kids together and that the only reason I'm still married... I'm a mellow type dude and so are my kids ....but when it's time to get down I get down .... But I think they just don't feel that we are not attracted man like for an example: we can be hanging out wth friends and it's kool we are having fun like always but I think she doesn't realize that every time a friend of mine say something wich is not even funny she cracks up but if the joke came from George Lopez on weed........but I can even quote a joke man and say it outloud and she is the only one that doesn't show expressions and one day I called her out on that in front of every couple that was their wich are all my friends from high school and told her straight out... Why are you so happy when the other guys are saying stuff and not when I do ... And said don't you think that the girls notice (I know this because I'm always focused on people's facial expressions don't know y) now after that she changed for a while maybe 6 months ... And then came the don't touch me or hug me at night blaming that she was tired and I'm like Bi&@h (in my head) you only wrk 2 days a weeknight the a/c ... I work 12 hr shifts 6 days a week in the sun (pipeline) but to be honest I feel that I'm the one that has to approach her like hugs and stuff and to be honest I think it's been more than 5 years since she says out of her mouth that she wants to have sex with me ....or even her starting the effection it's been that long... I always have to start it . (Conversation, hugs, holding the hand, kissing,) and having sex feels like if I'm raping her all I here is no no no not like that and not like that and no I don't like it that way and it's funny to be honest so I just stop and say ok I'm sorry and that's that ... I can go for 1or 2 months with out asking for sex and it won't come from her at all until I tell her hey it's been over a month what's going on and she replies that's all ur thinking about its so annoying I don't feel like it ......so I think my wife is either equal or worse than yours
Well you wanna know what my wife started doing when I put her completely first, nurtured her, put her needs first and took care of her in her sickness? She became egomaniacal. She didn't appreciate it, she called me sick names for not doing enough, not getting it all right on her "too do list" and we began to fight because I began to feel completely and utterly unloved and disrespected. Then she started calling me names like worthless, useless, idiot and annoying. Then in fights or fits of rage she started taking hits and pot shots at me by trying to slap me and crap. I stayed a virgin until 28 to "save myself" for my wife...I didn't date around and waited for "God's best". No...I have done all this putting your wife first, treating her selflessly to meet her needs before your own and always responding in love. Look where that got me...I have lost all faith in the purity, innocence and meekness of "godly women" that I was fed all throughout my young adult life. Guess what the most pathetic part is...I am still with this woman! Hah! Thanks God! Shame on me!
Andrew thanks for that, it feels like my life exactlybut mine is worse, she recently admitted to sleeping with someone else alot of times and even feared she was pregnant and this discovery only happened because I looked through her phone. Now all she wants is to go out and leave me with the kids, I have done everything, followed all laws made by man and God and today she just said the spark isn't there anymore, I just feel like a fool, providing for her and the kids, working 2 jobs and she just doesn't care one jot, living above her means and spending what she likes even without telling me on new clothes to go out leaving me to deal with the financial mess, I even threatened to call social services on her but I'm afraid to lose the kids because I cant work and look after them by myself and my work visa depends on my income to be granted and she knows this, I am just tired now of being in this relationship.
I agree and disagree with what you have said. The main problem here is that this is based on the presupposition that a man isn't doing that. It isn't like you are providing a recipe for success. When a husband is already living life the way you described above and the wife is still unloving and isolated then, well, these things are not the issue.
It is often that a wife confusing loving Christ above all else (this is how decisions are made) as not loving her. Christ told us people will hate us for serving him and loving him first, this includes wives. After this is rejected by a wife anything that follows in your post is a moot point. Even so, it is also very common for a woman to not see all the sacrifices that a husband is making for her and his family. She has determined it isn't enough or aren't sacrifices after all.
There are also women out there who are so independent that their husband's role doesn't really matter. Some who have already filled the husband's role in her life with friends.
In my opinion, these are sexist comments and I take offense at them as many men should.
Thanks for that information the only problem that I am having right now is it is hard to understand when my wife maybe wrong why should I suck it up and let her treat me bad I tried to but sometimes that just gets to me I do love her very much and want to be able to understand her more and I understand that probably why she is acting like she is it's because of me and my being pouty thanksGwena
Your wife need to go for deliverance she probably has a spiritual husband. I am going through some thing similar and i got to know that when there is a spiritual husband and wife involve in a marriage meant for three the man , his wife and God there is no peace this is because the spirit husband or wife will frustrate the earthly spouse and some of them are so aggressive they are dangerous. some time no matter how much love you show your spouse there wouldnt see it. this is because of this incubus and succubus demons
What if said wife is a narcissist and I'm trying, in earnest, to do all these things you mention, and I am still left with "scraps" and the feeling that I AM just a servant and NOTHING MORE! A floor mat for her to wipe her feet on every day? Signed, Frustrated and tired
Dave, What we allow will continue, as the expression goes. You also have a voice in the marriage, and you have to decide for yourself what you want from it, and what you don't. -Kurt
I'm in so much pain... how can you be the perfect husband to a wife who needs nothing, not even affection, intimacy, or love. How can I try when her only focus is our 19month old son? I love our son, but it feels like after she got the hang of being a mom, she didn't need me anymore and I'm as good as trash.
-heartbroken
J, Becoming a parent and caring for a baby is a big life adjustment, and since it changes everything, it can be hard to resist comparing how things are now to how they were before. Check back for more information about this topic coming soon. In the meantime, if you feel things are really off track and you can't talk to her about it, consider seeking out professional counseling for some guidance for you both to adjust. - Dr. Kurt
Gwena, I wish you were right. I became a committed Christian 15 years ago and that's where our problems started. My wife is an atheist. She initially left me for 6 months.
In truth she should have stayed away because our marriage is completely dead now after 15 years of trying. Our sex life ground to a halt 6 years ago because I stopped trying. I couldn't take the rejection anymore.
My youngest child is 18 now and is heading off to university later this year.
I feel betrayed. She was the love of my life. Now I'm nearly 50 and I'm facing a future of loneliness.
The Truth is I'm lonely now and I've been lonely for a long time.
I'm completely celibate. I miss touch.
She refused to discuss our marriage and now it's just too late really.
My faith has been effected by this and I'm low.
So unfortunately you're wrong. I'm sorry to say.
I've read alot of these comments and I need to give my opinion. The men speaking here sound absolutely beaten to the ground. You guys have forgotten what it's like to truly be a man (or maybe you never have). Women don't like needy, wimpy men. While your home worrying about what your wife/girlfriends doing, she likely out looking for "real" man. I know it hurts to hear this, but it's true. Men have been getting "de-masculated" by women for 20+ years now. You need to fix yourself first, build your self-esteem before a woman will fall for you. That's what women are looking for in my opinion.
Five love languages is amazing!
I've done all 7 since the beginning. Matter of fact, she always loved that about me. When we got married, she thought accountability was control. She ran from it. Even though I'm still the same loving person...10 years later she's still mistreating me...and our kids. Now she's also has a girlfriend and *loves her* and not me anymore......but then tells me I don't love her?
Funny how some people make this world about them. Their needs. Their desires. Their need to avoid saying sorry. If you don't fulfill what she wants, she complains you're a bad person and doesn't love her.
I think some people make excuses because they're scared of change.
My kids asked me to break up with her because she's a bad mom. So..now I'm down this path to divorce. She's in therapy, life coach and etc. I wouldn't want her back after being in a miserable marriage that was often sexless. I tried to love her life christ loved the church. I think if the person is emotionally stable, things would be great. Unfortunately I picked a bad apple.
I read your comments. I'm having a difficult time with my wife right now. Everything I do seems to set her off. I look for God and his answers. She really is not into that and thinks I'm weird for looking to God. But I still love her and I am still trying to figure out the situation. Thanks for reading
Ok Gwena, I agree on some points but the slap on the rear gets me a harsh "dont do that, I dont like it". As does everything else I do to try to get close. All I get is rejection, after so many rejections it is hard to keep trying to try. Why should I keep trying if all I do is get shot down. I'm not talking about sex just physical contact.
Aaron, This sounds similar to my situation. For years I have felt that my wife does not even respect or like me. I had an epiphany a month ago after stumbling on the subject of covert narcissism and emotional abuse. Google it. I never would have thought my wife was a narcissist, but she fits the covert variety to a T. After 22 years of marriage, I now believe that i was simply fooling myself about the nature of our relationship. I believe that for her I was entirely a means for her to attain status and a provider, by having a handsome successful, good income earning man under her control. For years she has made me feel inadequate and withheld sex and even any admiration or affection. I would have been happy to have had sex as often as 12 times per year. I kept giving her the benefit of the doubt - attributing my frustration to the fact we had young kids, that she is the mom of the house and keeping everything in order etc.
It's devastating. For years I have clung to the image of the bright perky and vivacious and charming person I once knew, thinking in time as life gets easier she would return. I now believe that that was only ever a mask, that I still sometimes put on when there are others she wants to impress, but I see as totally fake. I now do not believe that there was any true emotional love for me. I was a "get" and she got me.
She played the part for a number of years, and I foolishly thought having kids might help. Fortunately the kids are terrific. But over the past decades, she has ground down my spirit. It is only since the kids have reached their teen years that I have seriously entertained leaving and started to research what is wrong with our relationship. I am now a 45 year old man who feels like he gave a good chunk of his life to a parasite who will now kick into vengeful mode when I break things off as she seems to have such little regard for me as a person already.
Gwena, I've tried that, What if the more you love God in Christ, the more she hates you?
Good information
My wife had sex with another man n I had sex with weman in the past now I feel she dont want me no more what do I do
7 yrs of a wild roller coaster, ill keep it shor i was young n wild and careless. Met the girl of my dreams and dint know it. So i fooled around n and finally cought up to me. Have 2 beautiful boys house job work hard and the most amazing person in my life (besides my boys) my wife, going 7yrs later 5 of them marrid. She found out of my foolishness and still gave a a second chance. At a 5yr marker. 2yrs later about a week ago she tells me she loves me as the father of her children but is not in love with me. I cried n told her i was sorry for a misshap that happened that week ago. I thoght i would be ok. Since for thoes 2 years i was a change man stay straight and dint not comitted anny offense to my marriage. Welp that weekend afo was ny final straw. (It felt like almost an excuse to just leave me) so i beg and beg to just this once believe me. Now if thoght we were room mates b4 now is the real deal. Besides not "dont care for sex i could go a life time with out it" phrase she trew at me. Im broken and willing to stake my life for a solution.
What do you do when you have been doing all this and more for ten plus years and it is now taken for granted
I'm recently Married to a Det.Srg. and at first we used to have sex all the times. But now she don't want to anymore and also she doesn't even let me touch her at night,hug her or even feel her...... I'm desperate for her attention even a simple affection from her but she is not even affectionate.
What can I do?
Anthony, Try the recommendations in this article and some of the others under the topic Love is Gone. -Kurt
Dear Sir,
I've tried everything you mentioned and even more than that a lot. I take the kids to school, I bath then, dress them up, feed them, play with them and put them to bed ((everyday)).
I listen to her, I have her complete freedom to do whatever she wants to the point where she hardly stays at home. I give her massages almost every day. I cook for her and make her coffee. I even prepare everything for her friends when the come over. All I get from her is I don't love you anymore and let's stay friends for the sake of the kids.
I have expressed my feelings about her and asked her why she has fallen out of love with me? I just want to know why?? She never answers my question and becomes silent.
Please help me.
Sincerely,
Khalid
Khalid, It sounds as though she needs some space, and she may feel a bit crowded. Try spending some time doing something you enjoy on your own, like a hobby or take a class - something just for you. -Kurt
Don't it ain't worth is I wasn't feeling loved by my wife and some gold digger was telling me all I wanted to hear and now my wife is gone and she may never come back and it's hurts me everyday to the core and all I did was text the girl no sex no kiss not even a hug but I can't understand why my wife is mad I broke out trust I embarrassed my wife and my family and I pray to God she realizes how sorry I am she told me today she doesn't live me anymore and I almost died in the inside find a way to stay together love your wife do things together be happy cuz when she's gone your life won't be the same I guarantee it I'm only 27 and ppl keep saying I have my whole life ahead of my but I'm life less without my girl God bless and hang in there bro
Problem is our forefathers ruined it for us. They let women join the workforce...in doing so they made us future men obsolete to women. They don't need us for provision anymore...so unless your doing the dishes or changing a diaper you are useless to them. Thanks grandpa for being lazy and dropping the social ball...
But there are some people on which love is wasted. Often a person has an unloving heart because they are selfish and self centered. So, the advice to a man who does not feel loved by his wife is for that man to spend more attention to the wife and try to please her more? Would not it be healthy for the man to accept that he is worthy of love, and that he should not be treated that way?
This is one of the most gynocentric pieces of crap I have ever had to read from a therapist. No relationship is going to work without two people putting forth effort to make it work. I hope you really don't buy into the notion that in order to feel loved by your wife you have to give more of your depleted self to make that happen.
Who's side are you on??
Jon, I don't take sides. I have written several articles for both husbands and wives. Also, the suggestions work for both men and women regardless of the title. - Dr. Kurt
Thank you for some great advice.
LG, I'm glad you found it helpful. - Dr. Kurt
Definitely written by a woman
Sad
i think you failed to acknowledge the possibility of a wife being a unappreciative bitch? Maybe a Man is bound to act a certain way (by his very nature) and a women another way (by her very nature) and maybe men are more in tune of these things where as women have a problem accepting what they don't see on television....
Noneof, Almost always change is needed by both people. Sounds like the unappreciative wife needs to change for sure. But it's also a choice to stay with that kind of person if they don't change. -Kurt
it's not a choice when you're the dependent spouse financially and you have two young children together.
Jack, It may not seem like it, but we always have a choice. You can choose to take some steps to start to change your financial dependence - I know this typically doesn't change overnight. Thinking we don't have a choice is a way we trap ourselves with our minds and keep ourselves stuck. -Kurt
I fund that wrong I have notice many men copy what they see from their fathers therefore thats incorrect. How about you treat your wife or girlfriend the lsame way exactly you treat your mother, father, and or friends. Nothing is more unattractive than no effort. What so hard with communication, and acting like a Justin Bieber fan to your wife no effort. Exactly!
If there is nothing more unattractive than no effort....then all of us men should have absolutely no attraction to our wives. We live in a pathetic world of want to be Princesses that call all men "boys" and treat them as such and the turn around and say, "why doesn't he act like a man?" What possible motivation do we have? Remember, there is nothing more unattractive than no effort.
Thank you as i believe thats my situation.
I do all bathrooms, get kids ready most mornings the mornings. Started taking out trash religiously. Got her a treadmill in the basement so she can work out from home if she wants..and went 3days ago to bestbuy to surprise her with that over the neck bluetooth headphone. She told me yesterday i have never beem romantic in this marriage 6yrs of marriage.
Hey Quentin. Giving Advice for marriage is tricky because everyone is so different. . . However, I will offer you my thoughts on your situation. Are you suddenly being romantic, taking care of kids, and doing house chores etc, But you almost never did before? If so, thats your problem. My husband did that too, and nothing smells fishier. It made me only more angry that he would think doing these things all of a sudden would make me like him. The thing to do here is not turn into a different person. I don't know why your wife is not feeling love for you, but whatever the reason, she may need some space and time to sort out her feelings and/or to heal from anything hurting her. Do you think there is a way to give her this? Encourage her to spend time with friends, or pursue a hobby she's always wanted to. Support her from the sidelines, don't get in her face. And you go on doing your hobbies and things that make you happy. A happy person is attractive. A happy person is not a lovesick lost puppy. Does this make any sense to you? I tried explaining this to my husband but he doesn't get it. He gets angry and tells me Im wrong, that Im pushing him away and looking for excuses. Well yes in a way I am pushing him away because I feel like I am suffocating! Well, maybe I helped, maybe I didnt, but here's to a good try.
Gwendolyn, I have the same problem that Quentin has. However, I always cleaned the house, took care of the kids, cooked, cleaned, ironed, I do it all. However my problem was that for 3 years I worked the night shift at the hospital and she worked the day shift so there was never time for us. Now that I have a better position, in the daytime, she tells me she loves me but not in love with me. I've tried to give her space, but still I want to cure this b/c I've never cheated, i've always tried to be the best husband/father that I could be. She even asked me the other day, why do I love her if what she gives me is only 50% and I give her 100%. I told her that b/c I love you unconditionally. She just stays quiet. She says we have no chemistry anymore and she told me that she would've understood if I had a side chick. I'm so confused on what to do, cause Im 35 and I don't want to love someone who doesn't love me.
Hi Alfred. Like I said, everyone is so different. Do you think it's possible your wife is having or has had an affair? Maybe she is feeling guilty, that explains the 50% comment.
I wish I could help, I know how it sucks to be in a messed up marriage. Just from my perspective, I would say stop saying "I love you" in words. Not verbally, not in text messages, not anything. Say it with a smile. Continue on with life as if everything is fine. Saying "I love you" can feel like pressure if the other person isn't feeling the same way. Give her some time to work out her feelings. It may take a long time, like at least 6 months, so be prepared to be patient.
Well, that's all I have. Best of luck to you.
Hi Alfred,
Hi Alfred,
I am in your same position.
We are married for about 7 year and the last year I’ve been worked the last 12 months at the construction of our house.
14 days ago we started talking and she told me she had feeling for a colleague. Nothing really happened (is what she told me and I want to believe).
But we discussed a lot of things, even that go back for years. She told me the chemistry is gone.
We decided to try to work it out but she arrived at the point that she really wanted to leave me.
I staid really calm and talked with her, emotionally it is really hard but I felt it was the only way. If I responded differently it would have been worst.
It is really hard and I hope to be able to handle this, because I cannot stop thinking about everything.
Hopefully I will not crack during the next weeks..
My plan is to support her trying and put in the effort without pushing even when I feel she is not doing the same.
Time will tell..
P
Phil and everyone, Its been 2 months since I posted. Things have gotten a bit better. I think that the kids have a lot to do with this situation. She doesn't want to split our family apart, but she still isn't very affectionate as she once was and sex is now in the mornings only (quickies ughhh) I've been tempted to seek someone on the side, but i don't think I want to cross that road, I still love her, but i'm not ready to give up yet. Gentlemen, I don't know all your individual cases, i'll give you what I've learned. Keep them guessing, remember your the MAN of the relationship, be gentle with her feelings, but don't be her girlfriend. Go to the gym, make time for yourself, don't give yourself entirely. Remember you are a good father and/or good husband, no matter what Kurt says, its not always your fault. Take ownership for your mistakes, but realize that your effort is not in vain.
Most important, Think before you talk!
Alfred, "no matter what Kurt says, its not always your fault." There's nothing in this article (or on this site) that say it's always the man's fault. Read it again. -Kurt
Phill, I'm in almost the exact situation you are just a few weeks behind. Please let me know how it's going now. Were you able to work it out? I hope so. Not that it will affect my situation but maybe something encouraging will help the pain.
Thank Brad
1. "Man up", sexist, condescending and demeaning to men. Why shouldn't wives "woman up"??
2. "Do things that make her feel she's who you want to be with -- instead of your phone, or softball buddies, or ESPN, or a beer." and there ya' go, assuming men are inattentive, i.e., it's 'his' fault.
3. "Compliment her" ... and there ya' go again, assuming men are inattentive and never compliment their wives, i.e., it's 'his' fault.
4. "Touch without sex". Really? I've been doing that for 45 years. When would you say that it's been long enough?? Really, Doc, don't you think we're on to your man=bad, woman=good B/S by now?
5. "Talk to her". Sure! Of course! Why didn't I think of that! Ya' know how we men never talk ... wait a minute ... women accuse of us of talking too much ...but then not enough ... is this an alternate universe?? C'mon, Doc, you know you're full of it.
6. "Be honest". Sure. Ever hear of the fable of the scorpion and the tortoise? Women can NOT be trusted with your innermost feelings and thoughts, they'll just use them against you. Like the scorpion, it's in their nature. So far, you're no help. Heard it all before.
7. "Be consistent". Why? Women aren't consistent. Not even close. Today Yes means Yes, tomorrow No means No. Two days from now who the hell knows what they mean. But I'm beginning to get your drift. Men must be perfect and have the patience of Job with no guarantees. Or ... they could go get a real life.
I think a relationship is a two way street, after all it takes two to tango. Yet I feel that I am the only one who cares. My wife can go on for weeks, months without a touch. And whenever she is with me, it feels like she doing me a favor. She does not talk as much or ask questions. I have three kids with her and this is the price I have to pay. Her personality is like that and there nothing I can do about that. It's been 7 years so far. She is just someone I live with who is helping me raise my kids. A huge Iceberg in my bed.
Geo, This statement is not true, "there nothing I can do about that." You may or may not be able to change her, but that doesn't mean you have to accept it unless you choose to. I hope you'll get some professional counseling help so you can learn how you can influence her to change. -Kurt
Im with u there buddy trying to get this figured out for myself
Good to know. I thought i was the only one to encounter this. I just dont get it. However you pin pointed my situation as well to a t.
Pull the blanket from over your head, take it from somebody who is feeling bad right now, perhaps your wifes responses are due to all youre selfish actions in the past, help your wife tidy up, come in from work and just hug her, even if you get the smallest amount of time together, try to appreciate every bit you get because when its your last it will break your heart, you married your wife for a reason, you devoted your life together and decided on children, find the ember in the fire and never let the fire become just ash, youll miss her, maybe she hurts you right now, but there is good in everybody, sometimes we are so blind in what we see we dont see how others see us..
Thanks for those words. We can be selfish to and not see the little things that they do.
right on man..... and it won't change. I've been married for 29 years and it's the sames as it was from the very first year. it's not going to change unless SHE changes her outlook and becomes selfless and giving.
My wife reads the bible daily and you'd think that it would sink it but no such luck. It sort of seems like the more she reads the bible the more she will distance herself instead of becoming more close and intimate.
She's not affectionate to our kids and certainly not to me.
Geo, I have the same probleem but it has been 12 years. I hang in there for the kids sake. I still love my wife i just hate the situation. When we do have sex it does feel like a favor. with my wife it is a favor that she shows that she doesnt realy want to do it but is doing it out of mercy.
hi i been married 8 years i have two girls with my wife since day theres been arguing and fights on and off relationship i dont want to loose her i love her i fell into bad steps at beginning of my marriage drugs and always with friends now thank god im out of that been good but she always brings up my past constant fighting n arguing now we hardly talk she avoids me and i keep trying i dont know what else to do anymore
Albert, Do you know what she wants you to change about yourself? That's a good place to focus. Fighting and arguing take 2 people though, so you both have work to do in that department. -Kurt
Man, i feel like im in your boat. At first i made mistakes and i didnt kniw better. But they werent the things shes made 'mistakes' on. Hers were so much worse and some more than once. I cant dare bring it up bc she will just shut me out. She makes herslef out to b the victim almost always and doesnt want to take responsibility for her mishaps or anything
I feel as if we wear the same shoes. I know I've been wrong with name calling and what not, but in reality I feel that most was perpetuated from my personal stress of dealing with a liar,etc. HELP
7YR mirage...marriage TWO year old son!
J.Merk, "I know I've been wrong with name calling and what not, but in reality I feel that most was perpetuated from my personal stress of dealing with a liar,etc." Own your wrong behavior without justifying. It helps to understand what contributed to you doing it, but that still doesn't change the fact that it's wrong. Changing your behavior is the first step you can take to change your marriage. -Kurt
I'm in the same spot. I'm 35 and looking at my fate, wondering if I'm overanalizing, I'm so strong yet this is chaos... It torments me.
I'm going to break it off. I have 2 sons, I'm only still in this for them. It's better for them. I wondered if I was lying to myself, nope, this situation can't change, it has to cease. I don't want to be 60 living in regret. One life!
So my wife tells me she doesn't feel anything for me. We're middle aged parents of two boys at home. It's busy and there's been little time for each other. I don't feel like I "need" her attention, or even her love as much as I know she needs to feel it from me. I'm not good at it. Seems like anything I might "try" now would be hollow. Now what?
Jesse, Some times it does feel hollow before it starts to feel real again. The only way it will change is if you do something though. -Kurt
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