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It's common in counseling to hear wives say they don't feel loved by their husbands anymore. But believe it or not, husbands can feel unloved by their wives too. Although it can take some time when I'm counseling a man to get him to finally admit he’s been thinking, "My wife doesn't love me."
Not surprisingly, it's much more common for women to express dissatisfaction with their relationship than it is for men. In my experience counseling men, I've found that many guys will go years and years feeling that their wife doesn't love them anymore without saying anything about it.
They'll never say the words, "My wife doesn't love me," to themselves or to anyone else, but they feel it, nonetheless.
As a result, men compensate for the loss of love they feel from their wives by seeking comfort elsewhere,
etc.
Believing the love is gone from your relationship and the love actually being gone are two different things.
Yes, if you feel like she doesn’t love you there’s a possibility that you’re right, but the greater likelihood is that you have both drifted apart and forgotten to make your relationship a priority.
This isn’t uncommon in long-term relationships. The busyness of daily life and all the responsibilities that come along with jobs, family, money, etc. can make it easy to forget to show love and affection toward each other.
The result is that you each can feel like the other has fallen out of love and then you yourself stop feeling love for your partner. This doesn’t mean the love has actually gone away, but rather that you need to put in some time and effort to bring it to the forefront again.
Before you can really work on getting your wife to love you again, you’ll need to figure out why she stopped in the first place. You can’t fix a problem if you don’t know what caused the problem.
Figuring out why this happened will require some in-depth reflection on your own behavior within your relationship. Because women are typically much more communicative regarding their feelings than men, there’s a fair chance she’s already told you what’s wrong and why she’s unhappy.
The question is, were you listening?
Feeling,
are big reasons for dissatisfaction within a marriage.
Men are often guilty of causing their wives to feel this way because many men are poor communicators, especially when it comes to feelings. If this is true in your case, you’ll need to fix it.
Contrary to what many couples think when they get married, it takes consistent effort to keep the love alive. It doesn’t just exist at one point and stay that way forever, it must be nurtured and kept healthy.
A marriage can't thrive and be healthy without good communication. I’ve worked with a lot of men who say “I love you” to their wives occasionally, but almost totally neglect showing her that love.
After all, if you tell her that should be enough, right?
Wrong.
It’s important for everyone to feel loved and it’s hard to feel that way if you’re not told and shown regularly.
So, if you think your wife doesn’t love you anymore, ask yourself these questions:
The answers to these questions can help you figure out where to start when it comes to bringing the love back to your marriage.
Lack of love from a partner usually doesn't just happen. The love typically slowly dwindles over time.
So, to restart it requires the same approach - slow, methodical, and patient.
To help you get the process started, here are 7 things men can do to begin to get their wives to love them again:
Accept her unconditionally. Start by dropping the 'she needs to do ____ for me first' attitude -- if you have one (and many men do).
I'm sure she's disappointed and probably hurt you in many ways, but if you want her to start treating you better, you're going to have to be the one to get it started.
I know you're probably thinking, "Why me? Why not her first?"
Well, you've heard the saying, 'Man Up,' right? Tell yourself that and get started.
Make her feel wanted, important, and special.
Do things that make her feel she's who you want to be with -- instead of with your phone, softball buddies, ESPN, or a beer.
What did you do when you were courting her to make her feel wanted and loved? Try some of those approaches again. One reason your wife may not love you is because she feels you don't love her.
Most women want to hear that their partner still finds them attractive.
Be on the lookout for things to compliment about her appearance, dress, home, work, how she is as a mother to your kids, or whatever else is really important to her.
Be careful here though guys, women can tell when you aren’t sincere.
So, when you pay her a compliment do it honestly and with genuine feeling. And don’t go overboard and compliment everything all at once. If you do she’ll assume you want something, did something, or have some other ulterior motive. The sole point of a compliment should only be to let her know what you appreciate in and about her.
Here's a little secret -- guys get more and better sex when they aren't pushing for it all the time.
Women want to enjoy our physical presence without our expecting or having to have it always lead to sex. If it happens, great, but don't always be pushing for it.
Try hugging, touching, and kissing her without wanting sex. You might be really surprised by what you get in return.
One of the most frequent complaints I hear from women in marriage counseling is that their husbands don’t talk to them.
Sometimes this means actual silence and really not talking, or rarely talking, to them at all, but often it's that her husband never shares his thoughts and feelings with her.
Women want to know what's going on inside their man, so push yourself to open up and share with her what's happening on the inside. A good place to start would be telling her you feel she doesn't love you and then asking her how she truly feels.
A guy told me recently in counseling that he's afraid to be honest with his wife.
There were many painful reasons why he had become fearful and stopped being honest with her about how he felt. However, those reasons didn't change the fact that his marriage is suffering because he’s not honest with her.
We can easily skirt around the truth.
Don't do it.
Be honest with her. Wives tell me all the time that they just want to hear the truth, even if it hurts.
Doing things consistently is one of the hardest things for all of us to do.
Getting your wife to love you again is not a one and done thing. It requires continual effort.
It can be tough for a lot of guys to stay consistent in the showing-love-for-our-partner department. But our not loving our wives consistently, or at least not showing them consistently, is usually one of the key reasons why she no longer loves us.
And here’s another secret guys, stop assuming she should just know how you feel because you feel it - she doesn’t.
I’ve had many men say, “Of course I love her and she should know that.”
Is it really fair to just expect her to know that if you don’t tell her?
Just because you haven’t divorced her or had an affair doesn’t mean she knows you still love her. You actually have to say it and show it.
If you’re a guy who thinks your wife doesn’t love you anymore, take some comfort in the fact that you’re not alone. And take even greater comfort in the very real possibility that you’re wrong.
Remember,
I've challenged the wives who don't feel loved to try their list of suggestions for 90 days, so I'm putting the same challenge out to the men too.
Guys, we have great influence over how our wives feel about us. So, if you're one of the many guys who feel, "my wife doesn't love me," pick a couple of things from this list and get started today beginning to change how she feels.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published November 22, 2014, updated on March 31, 2021, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Men are wife's servant leaders..what a bunch of crap...how boutique women toss aside their impossible need to never be satisfied, to always complain and not allow any for of anything that doesn't coincide with their absolute control of every person and every situation....
That's fine and all but, some of us men do all that your mentioning and it doesn't matter. My wife loves me is still intimate but says she didn't want to be with me anymore and literally has no reason why. Yet she won't leave me either. So most of this advice even from others all points to its the man's fault. What do you do when that's not the case. Keep in mind although she says these things I do not feel she cares if I'm dead or alive. She claims to not want to be with anyone at all. Yet she didn't leave. I've told her it's fine I just want chocolate her to be happy. After she sits these things she apologizes and stuffs she didn't mean it and sorry for hurting me even though I don't show that it hurts.
Whoah do I know a person like that.
It sounds almost verbatim what I hear all the time.
Be glad you still have sex 12 time a year, I usually get it once a year.
However I am in the same boat with trying everything from councillors, therapy, and of course Scripture.
I have just been given a revelation and I am currently acting on it. It is not one to save what I suppose all the demons in hell would call a marriage, but one to finally cut the stings from the puppet master that is currently my wife. After all of the "making her feel loved", "putting her needs in front of my own". I realize now that I have done my part and it is time for her to do hers. As a Christian man, I have read the Scriptures at length to cope with this and have gathered the fact that I am the head of the house, I should not have sex held over me to do tricks in a Pavlovian experiment. I have manned up and revealed my wrongdoings to her, I have been through therapy and taken medication to help her get along with me. But never has she done any of the same with her inadequacies, and mental ailments to make things better for us. Time to bite the bullet and heal fast than to let the wound fester until all you know is the pain from it.
I'm sorry iv read a few posts. To tell you from my experience if ur wife. As in my case.tell's you thing's such as she is going through some thing. Or I just need n want's so space.meaning time on her own.it's a sign that she is thinking of someone other than you. She has thoughts of being intimate with them and want's to pursue it.telling you one thing and feeling another. My experience was I helped in any way I could. Even helping her move out so she could. Figure things out. It went down hill fast.this was a 20 yr marriage. She just changed.a totally different person. Lie's stealing from me.found out at her new place of work. She had been doing alot of cocaine I was unaware of this.she went from don't someone might see or be looking to hay everyone look at me...from I love you to why the heck are you bothering me.new phones.new friends...walked away like it was nothing.crushed me and kicked the pieces a side and never looked back...ignores me to this day..9 yrs later... Still won't talk give any explanation. Life is messed up...the most messed up thing is .I never stoped loveing her. Can't find a way to just .idk....I can't get past it over it whatever ya call it...thanks see ya
I have a special problem, I am a Christian, Lutheran to be specific, My wife converted from Catholic to Lutheran when we married, after a severe auto accident the left me with brain damage and seizures I could not work, then after 2 yrs I was diagnosed with terminal cancer, given 18 mos to get my affairs in order after surgery I was recovering and being scanned for 2 more years I took a couple of low paying jobs to help out we have 3 kids, and live in an expensive part of the world due to her job which always paid more than any I could get. She met a man and he turned her out into the BDSM community, when I found out she begged me not to leave, I was abused when young by my mother's friends, tied up, teased and orally abused, so I can play her sex games, nor would I want to she no longer believes in God and now worships Satan, she allows this other guy to lead her around on a leash and at Hotels he allows her to service many other men! This is the end to a 32 year marriage, I have lost my best friend, and I fear for her soul. I asked her how this might influence our kids and how many souls she intends to drag down with her. She replied as many as she can, all of us! If you met her you would never guess she is a Pot and Pills addict she has a highly regarded profession we tried marriage therapy and counseling she lied to the Pastor and to the professionals, now she is all over the internet. She is now moving out I am mixed up over this and I will be left with the kids. What can I do I haven't dated in 34 years?
Paul, While it may seem like dating is a good thing to go do, it's not really. Read the articles in the Divorce Advice section of the blog for more information. - Dr. Kurt
Dr. Kurt: I did not mention that my X and I were separated in 2015, I did not date until January of 2017. My Therapist thought I should have started dating 6 mos. earlier, and my men's group thought a year earlier! I am sexually active at 60+ due to HRT largely and getting past the X wife issues. In the last 9 mos I had two relationships, one I broke off for being cuckholded again, and the last one she broke up from me due to she doesn"t like that I have my adult kids in my life and they will always come first, a bit selfish maybe, her or me or both!
One thing that I am really sick of hearing is that the problem usually lies with both mates. Bull crap! I am sick of the majority of articles acting like women are always victims. Bull crap again! I am so sick of the man having to walk miles just for the wife to move an inch at a time!
Right on!
Lol! I hope it was on my situation. But i do really know im the one who messed up our relationship. It's so hard to admit for us men to accept that it was our fault (though not all men) but it helps to admit your at fault too. But then again it is up to you if you're in a different situation as mine.
Hey Carlo, Thanks for the admission. A lot of men don't have the courage and strength to own it. Now the question is what are you going to do about it? -Dr. Kurt
What should I do if I think I Am Falling Out Of Love? Learn what it takes to stop Falling Out Of Love, feel in-love again and have a happy relationship.
You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
Many husbands (and wives) are not "in love" with their partners any longer.
Men are wife's servant leaders..what a bunch of crap...how boutique women toss aside their impossible need to never be satisfied, to always complain and not allow any for of anything that doesn't coincide with their absolute control of every person and every situation....
That's fine and all but, some of us men do all that your mentioning and it doesn't matter. My wife loves me is still intimate but says she didn't want to be with me anymore and literally has no reason why. Yet she won't leave me either. So most of this advice even from others all points to its the man's fault. What do you do when that's not the case. Keep in mind although she says these things I do not feel she cares if I'm dead or alive. She claims to not want to be with anyone at all. Yet she didn't leave. I've told her it's fine I just want chocolate her to be happy. After she sits these things she apologizes and stuffs she didn't mean it and sorry for hurting me even though I don't show that it hurts.
Whoah do I know a person like that.
It sounds almost verbatim what I hear all the time.
Be glad you still have sex 12 time a year, I usually get it once a year.
However I am in the same boat with trying everything from councillors, therapy, and of course Scripture.
I have just been given a revelation and I am currently acting on it. It is not one to save what I suppose all the demons in hell would call a marriage, but one to finally cut the stings from the puppet master that is currently my wife. After all of the "making her feel loved", "putting her needs in front of my own". I realize now that I have done my part and it is time for her to do hers. As a Christian man, I have read the Scriptures at length to cope with this and have gathered the fact that I am the head of the house, I should not have sex held over me to do tricks in a Pavlovian experiment. I have manned up and revealed my wrongdoings to her, I have been through therapy and taken medication to help her get along with me. But never has she done any of the same with her inadequacies, and mental ailments to make things better for us. Time to bite the bullet and heal fast than to let the wound fester until all you know is the pain from it.
I'm sorry iv read a few posts. To tell you from my experience if ur wife. As in my case.tell's you thing's such as she is going through some thing. Or I just need n want's so space.meaning time on her own.it's a sign that she is thinking of someone other than you. She has thoughts of being intimate with them and want's to pursue it.telling you one thing and feeling another. My experience was I helped in any way I could. Even helping her move out so she could. Figure things out. It went down hill fast.this was a 20 yr marriage. She just changed.a totally different person. Lie's stealing from me.found out at her new place of work. She had been doing alot of cocaine I was unaware of this.she went from don't someone might see or be looking to hay everyone look at me...from I love you to why the heck are you bothering me.new phones.new friends...walked away like it was nothing.crushed me and kicked the pieces a side and never looked back...ignores me to this day..9 yrs later... Still won't talk give any explanation. Life is messed up...the most messed up thing is .I never stoped loveing her. Can't find a way to just .idk....I can't get past it over it whatever ya call it...thanks see ya
I have a special problem, I am a Christian, Lutheran to be specific, My wife converted from Catholic to Lutheran when we married, after a severe auto accident the left me with brain damage and seizures I could not work, then after 2 yrs I was diagnosed with terminal cancer, given 18 mos to get my affairs in order after surgery I was recovering and being scanned for 2 more years I took a couple of low paying jobs to help out we have 3 kids, and live in an expensive part of the world due to her job which always paid more than any I could get. She met a man and he turned her out into the BDSM community, when I found out she begged me not to leave, I was abused when young by my mother's friends, tied up, teased and orally abused, so I can play her sex games, nor would I want to she no longer believes in God and now worships Satan, she allows this other guy to lead her around on a leash and at Hotels he allows her to service many other men! This is the end to a 32 year marriage, I have lost my best friend, and I fear for her soul. I asked her how this might influence our kids and how many souls she intends to drag down with her. She replied as many as she can, all of us! If you met her you would never guess she is a Pot and Pills addict she has a highly regarded profession we tried marriage therapy and counseling she lied to the Pastor and to the professionals, now she is all over the internet. She is now moving out I am mixed up over this and I will be left with the kids. What can I do I haven't dated in 34 years?
Paul, While it may seem like dating is a good thing to go do, it's not really. Read the articles in the Divorce Advice section of the blog for more information. - Dr. Kurt
Dr. Kurt: I did not mention that my X and I were separated in 2015, I did not date until January of 2017. My Therapist thought I should have started dating 6 mos. earlier, and my men's group thought a year earlier! I am sexually active at 60+ due to HRT largely and getting past the X wife issues. In the last 9 mos I had two relationships, one I broke off for being cuckholded again, and the last one she broke up from me due to she doesn"t like that I have my adult kids in my life and they will always come first, a bit selfish maybe, her or me or both!
One thing that I am really sick of hearing is that the problem usually lies with both mates. Bull crap! I am sick of the majority of articles acting like women are always victims. Bull crap again! I am so sick of the man having to walk miles just for the wife to move an inch at a time!
Right on!
Lol! I hope it was on my situation. But i do really know im the one who messed up our relationship. It's so hard to admit for us men to accept that it was our fault (though not all men) but it helps to admit your at fault too. But then again it is up to you if you're in a different situation as mine.
Hey Carlo, Thanks for the admission. A lot of men don't have the courage and strength to own it. Now the question is what are you going to do about it? -Dr. Kurt
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