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It's common in counseling to hear wives say they don't feel loved by their husbands anymore. But believe it or not, husbands can feel unloved by their wives too. Although it can take some time when I'm counseling a man to get him to finally admit he’s been thinking, "My wife doesn't love me."
Not surprisingly, it's much more common for women to express dissatisfaction with their relationship than it is for men. In my experience counseling men, I've found that many guys will go years and years feeling that their wife doesn't love them anymore without saying anything about it.
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They'll never say the words, "My wife doesn't love me," to themselves or to anyone else, but they feel it, nonetheless.
As a result, men compensate for the loss of love they feel from their wives by seeking comfort elsewhere,
etc.
Has She Really Stopped Loving You?
Believing the love is gone from your relationship and the love actually being gone are two different things.
Yes, if you feel like she doesn’t love you there’s a possibility that you’re right, but the greater likelihood is that you have both drifted apart and forgotten to make your relationship a priority.
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This isn’t uncommon in long-term relationships. The busyness of daily life and all the responsibilities that come along with jobs, family, money, etc. can make it easy to forget to show love and affection toward each other.
The result is that you each can feel like the other has fallen out of love and then you yourself stop feeling love for your partner. This doesn’t mean the love has actually gone away, but rather that you need to put in some time and effort to bring it to the forefront again.
Why Your Wife Stopped Loving You
Before you can really work on getting your wife to love you again, you’ll need to figure out why she stopped in the first place. You can’t fix a problem if you don’t know what caused the problem.
Figuring out why this happened will require some in-depth reflection on your own behavior within your relationship. Because women are typically much more communicative regarding their feelings than men, there’s a fair chance she’s already told you what’s wrong and why she’s unhappy.
The question is, were you listening?
Feeling,
- Unheard
- Unappreciated
- Unloved
are big reasons for dissatisfaction within a marriage.
Men are often guilty of causing their wives to feel this way because many men are poor communicators, especially when it comes to feelings. If this is true in your case, you’ll need to fix it.
Contrary to what many couples think when they get married, it takes consistent effort to keep the love alive. It doesn’t just exist at one point and stay that way forever, it must be nurtured and kept healthy.
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A marriage can't thrive and be healthy without good communication. I’ve worked with a lot of men who say “I love you” to their wives occasionally, but almost totally neglect showing her that love.
After all, if you tell her that should be enough, right?
Wrong.
It’s important for everyone to feel loved and it’s hard to feel that way if you’re not told and shown regularly.
So, if you think your wife doesn’t love you anymore, ask yourself these questions:
- Do you really love her?
- Do you tell her on a regular basis?
- How do you show her you love her?
- Do you listen to her?
- Have you asked her if she’s happy?
The answers to these questions can help you figure out where to start when it comes to bringing the love back to your marriage.
How To Get Your Wife To Love You Again
Lack of love from a partner usually doesn't just happen. The love typically slowly dwindles over time.
So, to restart it requires the same approach - slow, methodical, and patient.
To help you get the process started, here are 7 things men can do to begin to get their wives to love them again:
1. Unconditional Acceptance.
Accept her unconditionally. Start by dropping the 'she needs to do ____ for me first' attitude -- if you have one (and many men do).
I'm sure she's disappointed and probably hurt you in many ways, but if you want her to start treating you better, you're going to have to be the one to get it started.
I know you're probably thinking, "Why me? Why not her first?"
Well, you've heard the saying, 'Man Up,' right? Tell yourself that and get started.
2. Love Her.
Make her feel wanted, important, and special.
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Do things that make her feel she's who you want to be with -- instead of with your phone, softball buddies, ESPN, or a beer.
What did you do when you were courting her to make her feel wanted and loved? Try some of those approaches again. One reason your wife may not love you is because she feels you don't love her.
3. Compliment Her.
Most women want to hear that their partner still finds them attractive.
Be on the lookout for things to compliment about her appearance, dress, home, work, how she is as a mother to your kids, or whatever else is really important to her.
Be careful here though guys, women can tell when you aren’t sincere.
So, when you pay her a compliment do it honestly and with genuine feeling. And don’t go overboard and compliment everything all at once. If you do she’ll assume you want something, did something, or have some other ulterior motive. The sole point of a compliment should only be to let her know what you appreciate in and about her.
4. Touch Without Sex.
Here's a little secret -- guys get more and better sex when they aren't pushing for it all the time.
Women want to enjoy our physical presence without our expecting or having to have it always lead to sex. If it happens, great, but don't always be pushing for it.
Try hugging, touching, and kissing her without wanting sex. You might be really surprised by what you get in return.
5. Talk to Her.
One of the most frequent complaints I hear from women in marriage counseling is that their husbands don’t talk to them.
Sometimes this means actual silence and really not talking, or rarely talking, to them at all, but often it's that her husband never shares his thoughts and feelings with her.
Women want to know what's going on inside their man, so push yourself to open up and share with her what's happening on the inside. A good place to start would be telling her you feel she doesn't love you and then asking her how she truly feels.
6. Be Honest.
A guy told me recently in counseling that he's afraid to be honest with his wife.
There were many painful reasons why he had become fearful and stopped being honest with her about how he felt. However, those reasons didn't change the fact that his marriage is suffering because he’s not honest with her.
We can easily skirt around the truth.
Don't do it.
Be honest with her. Wives tell me all the time that they just want to hear the truth, even if it hurts.
7. Be Consistent.
Doing things consistently is one of the hardest things for all of us to do.
Getting your wife to love you again is not a one and done thing. It requires continual effort.
It can be tough for a lot of guys to stay consistent in the showing-love-for-our-partner department. But our not loving our wives consistently, or at least not showing them consistently, is usually one of the key reasons why she no longer loves us.
And here’s another secret guys, stop assuming she should just know how you feel because you feel it - she doesn’t.
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I’ve had many men say, “Of course I love her and she should know that.”
Is it really fair to just expect her to know that if you don’t tell her?
Just because you haven’t divorced her or had an affair doesn’t mean she knows you still love her. You actually have to say it and show it.
What To Take Away
If you’re a guy who thinks your wife doesn’t love you anymore, take some comfort in the fact that you’re not alone. And take even greater comfort in the very real possibility that you’re wrong.
Remember,
- It’s very likely that she still loves you, but you’ve drifted far enough apart from each other that it’s hard to tell.
- If you haven’t been proactive about working on your relationship or expressing your feelings to your wife, you need to start.
- It’s possible she feels like you’ve lost interest in her and she’s trying to protect herself from further pain.
- For additional guidance refer to the 7 tips above.
I've challenged the wives who don't feel loved to try their list of suggestions for 90 days, so I'm putting the same challenge out to the men too.
Guys, we have great influence over how our wives feel about us. So, if you're one of the many guys who feel, "my wife doesn't love me," pick a couple of things from this list and get started today beginning to change how she feels.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published November 22, 2014, updated on March 31, 2021, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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