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It's common in counseling to hear wives say they don't feel loved by their husbands anymore. But believe it or not, husbands can feel unloved by their wives too. Although it can take some time when I'm counseling a man to get him to finally admit he’s been thinking, "My wife doesn't love me."
Not surprisingly, it's much more common for women to express dissatisfaction with their relationship than it is for men. In my experience counseling men, I've found that many guys will go years and years feeling that their wife doesn't love them anymore without saying anything about it.
They'll never say the words, "My wife doesn't love me," to themselves or to anyone else, but they feel it, nonetheless.
As a result, men compensate for the loss of love they feel from their wives by seeking comfort elsewhere,
etc.
Believing the love is gone from your relationship and the love actually being gone are two different things.
Yes, if you feel like she doesn’t love you there’s a possibility that you’re right, but the greater likelihood is that you have both drifted apart and forgotten to make your relationship a priority.
This isn’t uncommon in long-term relationships. The busyness of daily life and all the responsibilities that come along with jobs, family, money, etc. can make it easy to forget to show love and affection toward each other.
The result is that you each can feel like the other has fallen out of love and then you yourself stop feeling love for your partner. This doesn’t mean the love has actually gone away, but rather that you need to put in some time and effort to bring it to the forefront again.
Before you can really work on getting your wife to love you again, you’ll need to figure out why she stopped in the first place. You can’t fix a problem if you don’t know what caused the problem.
Figuring out why this happened will require some in-depth reflection on your own behavior within your relationship. Because women are typically much more communicative regarding their feelings than men, there’s a fair chance she’s already told you what’s wrong and why she’s unhappy.
The question is, were you listening?
Feeling,
are big reasons for dissatisfaction within a marriage.
Men are often guilty of causing their wives to feel this way because many men are poor communicators, especially when it comes to feelings. If this is true in your case, you’ll need to fix it.
Contrary to what many couples think when they get married, it takes consistent effort to keep the love alive. It doesn’t just exist at one point and stay that way forever, it must be nurtured and kept healthy.
A marriage can't thrive and be healthy without good communication. I’ve worked with a lot of men who say “I love you” to their wives occasionally, but almost totally neglect showing her that love.
After all, if you tell her that should be enough, right?
Wrong.
It’s important for everyone to feel loved and it’s hard to feel that way if you’re not told and shown regularly.
So, if you think your wife doesn’t love you anymore, ask yourself these questions:
The answers to these questions can help you figure out where to start when it comes to bringing the love back to your marriage.
Lack of love from a partner usually doesn't just happen. The love typically slowly dwindles over time.
So, to restart it requires the same approach - slow, methodical, and patient.
To help you get the process started, here are 7 things men can do to begin to get their wives to love them again:
Accept her unconditionally. Start by dropping the 'she needs to do ____ for me first' attitude -- if you have one (and many men do).
I'm sure she's disappointed and probably hurt you in many ways, but if you want her to start treating you better, you're going to have to be the one to get it started.
I know you're probably thinking, "Why me? Why not her first?"
Well, you've heard the saying, 'Man Up,' right? Tell yourself that and get started.
Make her feel wanted, important, and special.
Do things that make her feel she's who you want to be with -- instead of with your phone, softball buddies, ESPN, or a beer.
What did you do when you were courting her to make her feel wanted and loved? Try some of those approaches again. One reason your wife may not love you is because she feels you don't love her.
Most women want to hear that their partner still finds them attractive.
Be on the lookout for things to compliment about her appearance, dress, home, work, how she is as a mother to your kids, or whatever else is really important to her.
Be careful here though guys, women can tell when you aren’t sincere.
So, when you pay her a compliment do it honestly and with genuine feeling. And don’t go overboard and compliment everything all at once. If you do she’ll assume you want something, did something, or have some other ulterior motive. The sole point of a compliment should only be to let her know what you appreciate in and about her.
Here's a little secret -- guys get more and better sex when they aren't pushing for it all the time.
Women want to enjoy our physical presence without our expecting or having to have it always lead to sex. If it happens, great, but don't always be pushing for it.
Try hugging, touching, and kissing her without wanting sex. You might be really surprised by what you get in return.
One of the most frequent complaints I hear from women in marriage counseling is that their husbands don’t talk to them.
Sometimes this means actual silence and really not talking, or rarely talking, to them at all, but often it's that her husband never shares his thoughts and feelings with her.
Women want to know what's going on inside their man, so push yourself to open up and share with her what's happening on the inside. A good place to start would be telling her you feel she doesn't love you and then asking her how she truly feels.
A guy told me recently in counseling that he's afraid to be honest with his wife.
There were many painful reasons why he had become fearful and stopped being honest with her about how he felt. However, those reasons didn't change the fact that his marriage is suffering because he’s not honest with her.
We can easily skirt around the truth.
Don't do it.
Be honest with her. Wives tell me all the time that they just want to hear the truth, even if it hurts.
Doing things consistently is one of the hardest things for all of us to do.
Getting your wife to love you again is not a one and done thing. It requires continual effort.
It can be tough for a lot of guys to stay consistent in the showing-love-for-our-partner department. But our not loving our wives consistently, or at least not showing them consistently, is usually one of the key reasons why she no longer loves us.
And here’s another secret guys, stop assuming she should just know how you feel because you feel it - she doesn’t.
I’ve had many men say, “Of course I love her and she should know that.”
Is it really fair to just expect her to know that if you don’t tell her?
Just because you haven’t divorced her or had an affair doesn’t mean she knows you still love her. You actually have to say it and show it.
If you’re a guy who thinks your wife doesn’t love you anymore, take some comfort in the fact that you’re not alone. And take even greater comfort in the very real possibility that you’re wrong.
Remember,
I've challenged the wives who don't feel loved to try their list of suggestions for 90 days, so I'm putting the same challenge out to the men too.
Guys, we have great influence over how our wives feel about us. So, if you're one of the many guys who feel, "my wife doesn't love me," pick a couple of things from this list and get started today beginning to change how she feels.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published November 22, 2014, updated on March 31, 2021, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
These kinda articles always suggest that you're wrong.You want it too much. You touch too much. Don't love on her hard enough. Love isn't a one way street, and you shouldn't always be the one chasing. Maybe, just maybe, you're right and she's wrong.
What do you advise a man that has already been doing all these things for years, and yet his wife suddenly tells him she hasn't loved him in a decade, and wants to live alone?
We've been married 30 years, this January. From the start I've always treated my wife as an equal, in all things. I've worked five days a week, for 30 years, giving her everything she wanted and supporting her in every effort. Been a good father, raised our children, helped out around the house (and not just a little... I do all the laundry, dishes, garbage, bathroom cleaning, as well as all the outside work around the house), and cooking. No drinking problem, no drugs, no issues that would normally lead to a loss of love between people. And yet she tells me she stopped loving me a decade ago. And rather than talk about it, she just lied to me. As she says, she 'tried' to love me, but doesn't want to try anymore. She doesn't want to talk about it now. 'It's too late', she says.
I can't help thinking there's something she isn't telling me. I don't think it's another man; she works with our (now grown) children every day, and her schedule is too busy for her to be sneaking off somewhere... I'd notice. She says it's simply that she doesn't love me anymore and wants to live alone. That she'd be happier alone. This worries me. I can't imagine someone wanting to be alone in this world... especially at 55. She doesn't make enough money to live alone and still enjoy the lifestyle she's gotten used to. I wonder if she's going through some kind of chemical imbalance... she's been going through menopause these last months (after pushing it off for years through use of the Pill), and I wonder if she's just at the end of her rope, or something. I'm genuinely concerned. But she won't talk about it. I just don't know what to do.
Bryan, your wife sounds just like mine. She probabaly will go live with her sister who never has loved ay of her past 3 husbands,
Guys, im so depressed right now and im glad that i found your inputs and tips. Honestly my wife is/was so good to me. She always do what makes me happy. I am glad that she stayed faithful to me through all these times. But she already got to the point where she was tired. She felt unloved and taken for granted. Which was true, it was my fault. I got so confident that she will love me all the time. I admit that there was the time that i got no job and got depressed with it that i just played mobile games all the time to hide my depression. I never thought that it would cost my relationship with my wife. She was very supportive when i was weak. But i never showed gratitude. I admit it was my fault. Now, i am struggling to win her back. She didnt leave me. She just told me to give her some time. She is still with me. She's still talking to me like before minus saying i love you and kiss like before. I am writing this while drinking whisky because i felt down again. But your words lift my spirit again.
Thanks!
It is so painful reading these comments. Many of the comments are issues I have dealt with.
Here is my theory. The Media, how many commercials or sitcoms where the whole message is, men being made fun of. Fathers are considered stupid and kids are way smarter than the father. Or the husband or boyfriend is considered an idiot and the wife or girlfriend is smarter or mature.
When its heard over and over again over many years, it has become "common knowledge" husbands are not worthy of any kind of respect and men are selfish and mean, unkind and have no feelings or emotions to hurt.
I provide for my family. I am very sensitive to her needs. She has a new car, she can go shopping as much as she wants, she does not have to work. I tell her I love her many times a day. I'm very affectionate, but when sex is brought up.....I get, "are you kidding me....I'm too tired" or she "doesn't feel like it" She says whatever hurtful thing she wants, in any tone of voice. But if i get upset in any way.....she says I'm being abusive and selfish. I have never threatened her or hit her. I'm not sure she really loves me. I feel I'm a meal ticket.
This article is honestly the basic of the basic. If you haven't been doing these, how much do you really care about your relationship?
No, the predicament I'm in is that I've been doing all of this. I've been considerate, accepting, loving consistently. I've been honest, I've always let her know how much I love her, I've done little things for her in both the housework and getting her just little things to help her have a better day. We talk a lot to each other and we've tackled our personal issues early on in life so there's no mistaking the fact that we already know about each other's flaws and accept them. We've done things to increase our respective passion. We've both grown and improved as people, in various ways, both for each other and for ourselves. We've gone through good times and hard times together that have sometimes tested our acceptance of each person's respective shortcomings. And yet...
It's our past experiences together that I thought made us and our relationship stronger, but she now instead feels that she cannot overcome the past personal deficiencies she still sees in me. Once she finally found a job she really enjoys and throws her all into, she's somehow lost all the passion that she saw in me, like it was just a substitute for something else. She still likes me very much, and she considers us very good friends, but somehow the passion on her side is no longer there and it makes her not want to be married to me anymore.
As someone who's devoted to her for life, as someone who's thought very long and hard about whether we should get married or not, this is absolutely devastating. And she's made up her mind to the point where she doesn't even want to get started on relationship counseling, seeing it only as a futile attempt from my side to salvage the relationship, even though the people around us are screaming for us to have counseling.
Yeah, what am I supposed to do here?
Vince, I get how confusing and disappointing your situation is. You may be on to something with this statement - "Once she finally found a job she really enjoys and throws her all into, she's somehow lost all the passion that she saw in me, like it was just a substitute for something else." This can happen for a variety of reasons. What should you do? Go to counseling with or without her. You understandably need help coping and learning more about your relationship and yourself. -Dr. Kurt
What should I do if I think I Am Falling Out Of Love? Learn what it takes to stop Falling Out Of Love, feel in-love again and have a happy relationship.
You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
Many husbands (and wives) are not "in love" with their partners any longer.
These kinda articles always suggest that you're wrong.You want it too much. You touch too much. Don't love on her hard enough. Love isn't a one way street, and you shouldn't always be the one chasing. Maybe, just maybe, you're right and she's wrong.
What do you advise a man that has already been doing all these things for years, and yet his wife suddenly tells him she hasn't loved him in a decade, and wants to live alone?
We've been married 30 years, this January. From the start I've always treated my wife as an equal, in all things. I've worked five days a week, for 30 years, giving her everything she wanted and supporting her in every effort. Been a good father, raised our children, helped out around the house (and not just a little... I do all the laundry, dishes, garbage, bathroom cleaning, as well as all the outside work around the house), and cooking. No drinking problem, no drugs, no issues that would normally lead to a loss of love between people. And yet she tells me she stopped loving me a decade ago. And rather than talk about it, she just lied to me. As she says, she 'tried' to love me, but doesn't want to try anymore. She doesn't want to talk about it now. 'It's too late', she says.
I can't help thinking there's something she isn't telling me. I don't think it's another man; she works with our (now grown) children every day, and her schedule is too busy for her to be sneaking off somewhere... I'd notice. She says it's simply that she doesn't love me anymore and wants to live alone. That she'd be happier alone. This worries me. I can't imagine someone wanting to be alone in this world... especially at 55. She doesn't make enough money to live alone and still enjoy the lifestyle she's gotten used to. I wonder if she's going through some kind of chemical imbalance... she's been going through menopause these last months (after pushing it off for years through use of the Pill), and I wonder if she's just at the end of her rope, or something. I'm genuinely concerned. But she won't talk about it. I just don't know what to do.
Bryan, your wife sounds just like mine. She probabaly will go live with her sister who never has loved ay of her past 3 husbands,
Guys, im so depressed right now and im glad that i found your inputs and tips. Honestly my wife is/was so good to me. She always do what makes me happy. I am glad that she stayed faithful to me through all these times. But she already got to the point where she was tired. She felt unloved and taken for granted. Which was true, it was my fault. I got so confident that she will love me all the time. I admit that there was the time that i got no job and got depressed with it that i just played mobile games all the time to hide my depression. I never thought that it would cost my relationship with my wife. She was very supportive when i was weak. But i never showed gratitude. I admit it was my fault. Now, i am struggling to win her back. She didnt leave me. She just told me to give her some time. She is still with me. She's still talking to me like before minus saying i love you and kiss like before. I am writing this while drinking whisky because i felt down again. But your words lift my spirit again.
Thanks!
It is so painful reading these comments. Many of the comments are issues I have dealt with.
Here is my theory. The Media, how many commercials or sitcoms where the whole message is, men being made fun of. Fathers are considered stupid and kids are way smarter than the father. Or the husband or boyfriend is considered an idiot and the wife or girlfriend is smarter or mature.
When its heard over and over again over many years, it has become "common knowledge" husbands are not worthy of any kind of respect and men are selfish and mean, unkind and have no feelings or emotions to hurt.
I provide for my family. I am very sensitive to her needs. She has a new car, she can go shopping as much as she wants, she does not have to work. I tell her I love her many times a day. I'm very affectionate, but when sex is brought up.....I get, "are you kidding me....I'm too tired" or she "doesn't feel like it" She says whatever hurtful thing she wants, in any tone of voice. But if i get upset in any way.....she says I'm being abusive and selfish. I have never threatened her or hit her. I'm not sure she really loves me. I feel I'm a meal ticket.
This article is honestly the basic of the basic. If you haven't been doing these, how much do you really care about your relationship?
No, the predicament I'm in is that I've been doing all of this. I've been considerate, accepting, loving consistently. I've been honest, I've always let her know how much I love her, I've done little things for her in both the housework and getting her just little things to help her have a better day. We talk a lot to each other and we've tackled our personal issues early on in life so there's no mistaking the fact that we already know about each other's flaws and accept them. We've done things to increase our respective passion. We've both grown and improved as people, in various ways, both for each other and for ourselves. We've gone through good times and hard times together that have sometimes tested our acceptance of each person's respective shortcomings. And yet...
It's our past experiences together that I thought made us and our relationship stronger, but she now instead feels that she cannot overcome the past personal deficiencies she still sees in me. Once she finally found a job she really enjoys and throws her all into, she's somehow lost all the passion that she saw in me, like it was just a substitute for something else. She still likes me very much, and she considers us very good friends, but somehow the passion on her side is no longer there and it makes her not want to be married to me anymore.
As someone who's devoted to her for life, as someone who's thought very long and hard about whether we should get married or not, this is absolutely devastating. And she's made up her mind to the point where she doesn't even want to get started on relationship counseling, seeing it only as a futile attempt from my side to salvage the relationship, even though the people around us are screaming for us to have counseling.
Yeah, what am I supposed to do here?
Vince, I get how confusing and disappointing your situation is. You may be on to something with this statement - "Once she finally found a job she really enjoys and throws her all into, she's somehow lost all the passion that she saw in me, like it was just a substitute for something else." This can happen for a variety of reasons. What should you do? Go to counseling with or without her. You understandably need help coping and learning more about your relationship and yourself. -Dr. Kurt
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