Got a problem Looking At Other Women? See what an expert in men says about Why Men Look at Women. Find out how men Learn Stop Looking At Other Women.
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Contents
What does it mean when your wife looks at other men while with you?
Many men have suffered a chilly ride home and a cold bed for having been caught checking out other women in the presence of wives or girlfriends. And no wonder - it’s understood to be insulting and bad manners for a man to allow his eyes to wander.
But what about when a woman does it? Should you react in the same way?
If your wife is looking at other men when she’s with you, it should be considered in the same light, but it can be a confusing situation.
Many women feel bold and empowered by admiring other men in the presence of their husbands or boyfriends. Some women even openly admire other women, making it even more confusing for the men involved. Should they feel slighted or turned on?
Men are often at a loss as to the right way to handle a woman who clearly looks at other guys when they’re together. It doesn’t help that the manner in which women do this can be slightly different and therefore create more complicated feelings.
As a man, you know what it’s like to look at a woman appraisingly. Generally, it’s a glance, perhaps an eye swipe from head to toe. Men with poor self-control or bad manners may allow the gaze to linger in certain areas - you know what I mean.
Women are a bit different.
Although a woman may appreciate the physical attributes of a man, if she’s going to look at other men, she usually looks at his face and makes eye contact.
It’s not a long stare, but more of a brief connection that you and the man she’s looked at may each question. That’s often part of the point.
How a woman looks at another man sends a clear message - “I see you”- and simultaneously offers plausible deniability.
Women rarely openly evaluate another man’s appearance in front of their man, and even more rarely make comments. But when they look, it can leave you feeling uncomfortable, insecure, and slightly jealous.
When a woman may make direct comments, however, is when she’s looking at another woman.
Men have difficulty relating to this scenario because a man would almost never appraise another man’s appearance and make suggestive comments. A woman, though, may look at another woman and say things like,
Leaving you wondering how to react. Do you,
Or
It can feel like a minefield of wrong responses.
A big part of knowing how to respond and what to do when your wife is looking at other men is understanding why she’s looking in the first place.
Let’s first acknowledge that the world is filled with beautiful and alluring people. There shouldn’t be any harm in acknowledging beauty so long as it’s not done disrespectfully. What we’re discussing here is the implied comparison between present company and someone else, or a clear attraction that’s indicated by gratuitously evaluating someone else.
We know why men look at other women – they’re pretty, and they might want to see them naked. Simple.
Women, on the other hand, have different motivations.
Although women are more visually stimulated than they’re often given credit for, most of the time, looking at another man has nothing to do with wanting to undress him or even being interested in having sex with him.
In fact, when a woman looks at another man in your presence, it’s generally about one of the following (sometimes both):
A deeper dive on each of these is below. But in other words, her open admiration of other men (or women) isn’t about someone else or wanting to be with someone else.
The most common factors that drive a woman to openly look at other men include:
This is a form of feminine narcissism that often operates in its own zone under the radar. She’s not cheating on you, and she could be altruistic in every other aspect of her life, but when it comes to men, she needs to know she can still get their attention. This is about her.
If things have been stagnant between you two and she’s feeling overlooked and ignored, she might be trying to get your attention. The message she’s sending is,
“I see other attractive men around me, and they see me too. I have options if you don’t want me. What are you going to do about it?”
This is about you.
Do any of these reasons make checking out other men appropriate? No.
Is this the way to handle feeling neglected by you? Nope.
Should you pay attention to the message? You bet.
Her behavior is inappropriate, hurtful, and absolutely out-of-bounds. It’s also a neon sign flashing the words, “Something’s Not Right – Pay attention. Now!”
This isn’t to say you need to excuse her behavior and start coddling her, but it is time for you to take action.
Dr. Kurt counsels couples each week and “looking” is a common issue. According to him,
Noticing the opposite sex really can be a minefield in many relationships. And while just noticing shouldn't cause harm, it often does. Even if there isn't any comparing or even attraction. Insecurities by either partner are what make this topic such a problem and one that's so explosive. I counsel couples on this subject every week and discovering the underlying issues about 'why' is so important to fixing the problem - both why she looks and why it bothers you so much. So, if your wife looks at other men you really need to learn the why."
If your wife is looking at other men, the action you need to take starts with asking yourself these questions:
Answering these questions will help you plan for the next thing you’ll need to do – have a conversation with her.
Regardless of the reasons for her wandering eyes, her behavior needs to change, and that change should begin when you explain how it makes you feel.
However, where the conversation goes after this will depend on the additional changes that need to be made in your relationship. And yes, there are almost certainly changes required.
When you examine what’s going on in your relationship, you’re likely to find things you both need to work on. Being open with her about your feelings and recognizing anything you may be doing (or not doing) that’s contributed to fissures in your relationship will get you started on the right path to positive changes.
Whether you’re a man or a woman, looking at others in a way that has a sexual undercurrent while in the company of your significant other (or not) is inappropriate and disrespectful. It’s also a form of micro-cheating. The reasons you’re doing it don’t really matter.
But it can be confusing if you’re a man and it’s your wife with a wandering eye. So, if you’re one of the men wondering why your wife is looking at other men, keep the following in mind:
After considering the state of your relationship (see the evaluative questions above), have a direct conversation with her about your feelings related to her behavior and what else may need to be addressed between the two of you.
One of the cornerstones of a strong relationship is respect. When your wife looks at other men, it undermines that respect and chips away at the foundation of your relationship. The same is true for you and your behavior as well. When it comes to checking out members of the opposite sex, turnabout really isn’t fair play. It’s just destructive.
Got a problem Looking At Other Women? See what an expert in men says about Why Men Look at Women. Find out how men Learn Stop Looking At Other Women.
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I don’t want to look at other men but I’d like for my husband to understand how it makes me feel when he is always looking at other women. He doesn’t seem to be able to go anywhere without scanning the area for women to look at. Why is looking at every possible woman soooo important to him? The first year after marriage this behavior became his M.O! I have complained for 35 years but this time I suggested that we could go our separate ways. Now he’s taking my feelings a bit more seriously. The length of the” look” has shortened but the immature, willful need to look at every female and her chest is still in play. I don’t trust him to “not be doing this” when we’re out together. “You can’t fix the problem with the same thinking that created it.” It’s time to learn, grow and have new tools in the shed so to speak. We love each other and laugh until we cry but the motivation to behave this way towards other woman needs to be rooted out and eliminated!
Been married for almost five years. I sensed my wife not being honest with me after a few times but one thing that is killing my self esteem is I know she looks toward men to get eye contact. I have been seriously considering divorce as I don’t like being played a fool.
How can this behavior be changed? My boyfriend feels disrespected because I have a wondering eye. I don’t want to disrespect him but Im not sure why it continues to happen. I know I don't want anyone else except him but the behavior continues and at times I don’t even realize it, Can this be fixed?
Hi Leah, Yes, it can with the right therapeutic approach. -Dr. Kurt
I also have the same problem. My boyfriend feels insulted/humiliated whenever he caught me taking glances of other guys. I am also not sure why this behaviour is taking place and sometimes I do not even realised it. It's taking a toll on our relationship and he is breaking up with me.
I have that problem with my gf and also want to end things because of it. Why do you girls do this? What’s the real honest reason?
It's hoe behavior bro if she does it ya gf hoe is poking out every woman have a bit of hoe in them some fight the urge others are too weak so the hoe side takes over starts to take fruit my advice get out hoes gon be hoes can't blame her
Another BS article, subtly justifying men. Women look at other men for the same "animalistic" reasons as men. Period. Such authors just cannot admit it writing such stuff to justify their own insecurities about women's nature.
Agreed 100% with you! I am a woman and whether I'm in a relationship or not if I notice and look at another man it is because I think he is attractive and sexy end of story. Yea there are times I've undressed men with my eyes and I'm married end of story. No it's not a "me" problem like the author claims and no I'm not looking for eye contact. I'm admiring the body of an attractive man simple as that. Men just can't handle hearing the truth.
So what do I do? I remember I didn't care earlier in the relationship because I would literally flirt with every pretty chick I came across, we were not committed then, I made out with someone at a party where my now gf was also there but that made her go all sobbing weeping and broken because she said it made her feel like she don't matter at all. But I was confident then and didn't care if she saw whoever she saw or talked to. But I stopped because I too am a good person at the end of the day, even though men are penalized everywhere. And communication doesn't solve anything she just blame shifts and suddenly we're arguing about everything else that's wrong except this one thing which kills me from within. I get rageful. I've started flirting with other women and checking them out in an obvious manner now because I simply don't care how this particular thing makes her feel. And why should I? If she can't control her eyes, which might lead to other guys constantly thinking they have a shot with her and approaching constantly, I too will open up my options, I'm pretty sure I'll cross the lines, I'm a good looking dude myself I get more attention than her. If I'm compromising my prospects of action, I don't think there's a solution. Let's both be free.
Or you guys gave anything better to suggest. Please don't say communicate or talk to her, i'm fed up with this communication nonsense women keep bringing up. Just because you girls can talk all day doesn't mean it solves anything it's just more arguments. I've never been with a women who took communication positively, and trust me I've been with a lot to know its BS.
As a fundamentally unattractive man, I'm incapable of attracting any woman at all. As such I've never bothered to try.