Overthinking in a relationship is a problem, but it’s not unbeatable. Use the tips below, to stop spiraling through the cycle of overthinking in your relationship.
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Guys, do you sometimes feel like you’re stumbling around in the dark when it comes to how to express your love to your wife or girlfriend?
You know you love her, but convincing her of that can feel like rolling a boulder up hill.
Why is that?
When it comes to really knowing how to love a woman many of us guys feel like there must be some secret no one’s told us.
Considering the confusion many of us feel, it seems like some relationship advice on how to love a woman, along with some tips on what women really want and don't want from their partners is in order.
Below are complaints I've heard during counseling from women in unhappy relationships and some advice for guys on how they can do better.
Too many of us guys take the lazy way out of loving our partners by claiming we're just not good at being "romantic."
We also tend to underestimate the value and importance of being romantic has on the health of our relationships.
Romance is often looked at as something we had to do when dating, but not necessary after we’ve been together for a while.
Guys, that’s just not true.
Keeping romance alive in a relationship is a crucial part of maintaining the health and happiness. These gestures show you care, create a bond, and promote intimacy.
Although you may not feel like it’s important to you personally, it actually is – even if you don’t recognize it. And it’s likely very important to your partner.
The following are some dos and don’ts when it comes to loving your wife, as well as some ideas on how to do it better – even for the romantically challenged among us.
All it really takes is a little forethought and effort.
Or, with just your name, “me,” or an initial.
This is way too impersonal and doesn’t show much effort.
Try writing a sentence about how you feel about her, or what you appreciate about her, and then sign it "I love you, John."
Do it a few times a year when she doesn't expect it. And try giving her something other than the same old thing (i.e. candy, and a card) on those traditional holidays.
Try getting her something she really wants without asking her what she wants. You can do this by paying attention to things she says throughout the year and making a note of them. With this approach you've got some ideas all ready to go the next time you need to get her a gift.
The biggest of which is to think about what she really wants from you. Not just as a gift, but from your relationship in general.
See if any of the below sound like your partner.
Women have told me what they want from their husbands is:
This doesn't even mean you have to go anywhere, but just that you take care of everything, and she has the night off.
This is something you can take turns on – the point is not to make it her chore every single night.
Tell her what’s been on your mind, such as concerns, problems, or successes – not just the weather, work, or football.
Be specific and sincere. Women can tell when you’re just blowing smoke.
Physical intimacy is more than just sex and it’s important to embrace that fact.
Everyone likes knowing they’re being thought about.
Ask her questions about her day, her opinions, and her feelings.
It doesn't have to be something big or expensive. It just matters that you thought about her and what she would like when you chose it.
Chances are your wife or partner would like any one (or combination) of these things.
We’ve established that it’s not always easy to know how to show your partner you love her. But maybe that’s because we don’t truly understand what loving a woman really means.
Most of us go on autopilot when it comes to a long-term relationship of any kind.
Sometimes our wives do too, but women generally tend to be more in tune with their emotions and pay closer attention to ours than we may realize.
This means your wife is looking for signs that you,
A woman who feels secure in these things will generally feel loved. Of course, this also requires maintaining her trust and respecting her as well.
Every woman is different, however, and each may need a slightly different approach.
How you love a woman really comes down to knowing your partner and what she values.
The most effective way to express your love means doing so in the ways that she wants, needs, and responds to best.
So, take a minute and think about your partner. Close your eyes and really think about her.
Now, ask yourself,
Loving our partners takes practice.
Sometimes I do something or get something for my wife and it's a home run, and other times I strike out.
But my genuine effort always strikes a chord and makes her feel loved. So, I stay consistent and regular with it because I know it makes her happy, secure in my feelings for her, and it keeps our connection strong.
Come on men, let's work a little harder at loving our wives the way they want to be loved and give the last minute call to 1-800-Flowers a break.
Ladies, could you give us guys some other ideas on how to love a woman?
Editor's Note: This post was originally published Feb 09, 2010, updated on September 8, 2020, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Overthinking in a relationship is a problem, but it’s not unbeatable. Use the tips below, to stop spiraling through the cycle of overthinking in your relationship.
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- Good points. Thanks.
Really listen to her dreams. Listen to her thoughts, her needs, her concerns, etc. Women want to be heard and most women will tell you exactly how to make her feel loved if you will only ask. Men say that women are hard to figure out but myself and most women I know are more than happy to tell the man in their life what their needs are. And then do them. Personally, I need quality time with my man, I need him to plug in and really be present in what ever we decide to do. It doesn't have to be expensive or outlandish, but I do need to know that he enjoys spending time with me. I think everyone needs to remember what it's like to be a child again and just go out and play together.
Uh...not buying it. Sorry. Did ALL these things for my wife and in the end had to deal with the cheating, violating marital boundaries, taking large sums of money away from the family and my use, avoiding time together, etc. Why?? Because I was already doing "her chores" - why should she do them I was told. When you are being taken care and given a life where you can do what you want, whenever you want, why bother? That's what I found out. Every thing got reasoned away as "appropriate". Sorry but marriage is a two-way street and too often I see advice to the contrary. It's always the guy this and the guy that. Take a look at John Gottman's work . In the end both have to WANT to partake in the relationship. Without commitment, willingness and desire from both you'll usually end up with the same advice.
Tom, You're right - marriage is a two-way street. However, we can only control our own behavior and how we react to someone else's. -Kurt
I agree with you!! But a good woman truly does appreciate the effort and love. The problem was never you,if you did those things,itwas her. While as fast as I know my husband hasn't cheated, but what I wouldn't give for him to sincerely do these things for e. To make me feel like enough, even though alot of men would kill for a woman like me.
I love your words candy.
My wife and I celebrated our 50th wedding anniversary this week. I found this website last week when I Googled "Does My Wife Still Love Me?" I wanted to compare our relationship with others. Guy Stuff Counseling popped up and gave me seven ways to measure our relationship. It was startling to discover that I was stinking in three areas: unconditional acceptance, talk to her, and be honest. Now I have these three areas as my priorities to reinforce our relationship. My advice to couples with marital problems is: "Good counseling is much cheaper than a divorce". Like most couples, my wife and I get crossed up and need a trained third party to help sort it out. Do not try to solve your own problems!!! Get Help!!! Also find sites like this that give directions for doing a periodic "checkup". Do the recommended practices until they become a new good habit for your marriage. If you forget and slide back to the destructive ways, search for the problem and do something about it. You will not always be able to save the relationship by yourself but at least you will know that you did everything within reason to make it work. If you split, you will know how treat your prospective future partner.
Jerry, Thank you for the kind words. While I would caution against comparing your relationship to others, I commend you on your efforts to be proactive in your relationship and seeking out ways to make it better. Best wishes! -Kurt