Overthinking in a relationship is a problem, but it’s not unbeatable. Use the tips below, to stop spiraling through the cycle of overthinking in your relationship.
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Guys, do you sometimes feel like you’re stumbling around in the dark when it comes to how to express your love to your wife or girlfriend?
You know you love her, but convincing her of that can feel like rolling a boulder up hill.
Why is that?
When it comes to really knowing how to love a woman many of us guys feel like there must be some secret no one’s told us.
Considering the confusion many of us feel, it seems like some relationship advice on how to love a woman, along with some tips on what women really want and don't want from their partners is in order.
Below are complaints I've heard during counseling from women in unhappy relationships and some advice for guys on how they can do better.
Too many of us guys take the lazy way out of loving our partners by claiming we're just not good at being "romantic."
We also tend to underestimate the value and importance of being romantic has on the health of our relationships.
Romance is often looked at as something we had to do when dating, but not necessary after we’ve been together for a while.
Guys, that’s just not true.
Keeping romance alive in a relationship is a crucial part of maintaining the health and happiness. These gestures show you care, create a bond, and promote intimacy.
Although you may not feel like it’s important to you personally, it actually is – even if you don’t recognize it. And it’s likely very important to your partner.
The following are some dos and don’ts when it comes to loving your wife, as well as some ideas on how to do it better – even for the romantically challenged among us.
All it really takes is a little forethought and effort.
Or, with just your name, “me,” or an initial.
This is way too impersonal and doesn’t show much effort.
Try writing a sentence about how you feel about her, or what you appreciate about her, and then sign it "I love you, John."
Do it a few times a year when she doesn't expect it. And try giving her something other than the same old thing (i.e. candy, and a card) on those traditional holidays.
Try getting her something she really wants without asking her what she wants. You can do this by paying attention to things she says throughout the year and making a note of them. With this approach you've got some ideas all ready to go the next time you need to get her a gift.
The biggest of which is to think about what she really wants from you. Not just as a gift, but from your relationship in general.
See if any of the below sound like your partner.
Women have told me what they want from their husbands is:
This doesn't even mean you have to go anywhere, but just that you take care of everything, and she has the night off.
This is something you can take turns on – the point is not to make it her chore every single night.
Tell her what’s been on your mind, such as concerns, problems, or successes – not just the weather, work, or football.
Be specific and sincere. Women can tell when you’re just blowing smoke.
Physical intimacy is more than just sex and it’s important to embrace that fact.
Everyone likes knowing they’re being thought about.
Ask her questions about her day, her opinions, and her feelings.
It doesn't have to be something big or expensive. It just matters that you thought about her and what she would like when you chose it.
Chances are your wife or partner would like any one (or combination) of these things.
We’ve established that it’s not always easy to know how to show your partner you love her. But maybe that’s because we don’t truly understand what loving a woman really means.
Most of us go on autopilot when it comes to a long-term relationship of any kind.
Sometimes our wives do too, but women generally tend to be more in tune with their emotions and pay closer attention to ours than we may realize.
This means your wife is looking for signs that you,
A woman who feels secure in these things will generally feel loved. Of course, this also requires maintaining her trust and respecting her as well.
Every woman is different, however, and each may need a slightly different approach.
How you love a woman really comes down to knowing your partner and what she values.
The most effective way to express your love means doing so in the ways that she wants, needs, and responds to best.
So, take a minute and think about your partner. Close your eyes and really think about her.
Now, ask yourself,
Loving our partners takes practice.
Sometimes I do something or get something for my wife and it's a home run, and other times I strike out.
But my genuine effort always strikes a chord and makes her feel loved. So, I stay consistent and regular with it because I know it makes her happy, secure in my feelings for her, and it keeps our connection strong.
Come on men, let's work a little harder at loving our wives the way they want to be loved and give the last minute call to 1-800-Flowers a break.
Ladies, could you give us guys some other ideas on how to love a woman?
Editor's Note: This post was originally published Feb 09, 2010, updated on September 8, 2020, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Overthinking in a relationship is a problem, but it’s not unbeatable. Use the tips below, to stop spiraling through the cycle of overthinking in your relationship.
Overthinking is like being on a mental hamster wheel – lots of energy expended, ultimately getting you nowhere.
Is your Relationship Moving Too Fast? Learn the warning Signs Of A Relationship Moving Too Fast and strategies to slow things down that prevent problems.
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I was the cheater and now shes wants nothing to do with me, she went out and had an affair and we cried talked about seeking help but ended up not going through with it we still live together hug i can grind on her and we finally kissed for the first time in 3 months even talking about having sex as a xmas gift i'm confused
Donald, My wife and I were having affairs and neither one of us knew about the other until a guy at a beach party said to me, "You may hit me for saying this, but your wife is having an affair." Within the week, I confirmed her affair and confronted her. With her lover on the telephone telling her to deny it, she told him that she was not going to deny it. At that point, to her great surprise, I told her that I was also having an affair. I could have remained quiet and screwed her in court. She did not believe me at first but then I told her about some marks she saw on my back a couple of years earlier. At the time, I just told her I had an itch and scratched it.
I was about 30 years old at the time and was deeply hurt by her affair and at the same time felt that my affair was just as bad as hers. When I would feel angry or disappointed with her, I had to stop and admit that I was doing the same thing. The main point that hurt me was her proclamation of her love for him. I told her my affair was simply for the thrill and nothing more. With her saying that she loved him and me, it really messed with my mind. He even called me and said he would be good to my children. At that point, I could not process the idea of her still loving me and also loving another man.
I decided to move to another state and did not care whether she went with me or not. To shorten this long story, she chose to move with me. In our new environment, we sought a marriage counselor and started to rebuild our marriage a little bit at a time.
If she had decided to stay and not go with me, she might be married to the other guy at this time. By getting away from the environment that had many reminders and people that knew, we had a chance to "start over" with professional help.
I do not know whether men just want the excitement and sexual gratification of an affair and women get emotionally connected (feeling love) before they cheat. Maybe someone with great wisdom can address the dynamics for each partner. I can clearly tell you that I never saw the lady again that I was involved with when she told me, "I love you."
My wife and I have now been married over 50 years. We are very loving and caring and supportive of each other as we grow older together.
My bottom line to you: DO NOT HAVE SEX UNTIL THE TWO OF YOU GO TO THAT COUNSELOR. THERE ARE MANY ISSUES THAT NEED TO BE DISCUSSED TO RESOLVE THE EMOTIONS THAT ARE CHURNING IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP. HOPPING INTO BED IS NOT GOING TO STABILIZE THE FOUNDATION OF YOUR MARRIAGE.
I am 18 years older than my wife and we've been married for 9 years and have two daughters ages 5 and 7. I am originally a Jew that converters to Christianity after I had a vision of Jesus then while working as a contractor in Baghdad during the war I met my very yong and beautiful wife to be. She gave me two amazing daughters but over our 9 years our fights have gotten persistent and with no resolution. I did convert to Islam when we marries but that was on part due to a dream I had whilst working there, long story. Anyway she has grown distant and emaotionally cold. We still watch movies and tv together and still have sex but she says she does not love love me anymore and wants a divorce. I have already gone through several stages, anger, denial, bargaining acceptance etc. anyway long story longer is that I still love her and I always will plus I really want to see her happy. I have other BPDs that may be contributing to her desire to quit our marriage but to be honest I still have hope and so have decided to GAL and work on myself regardless of what happens. I am someone that married late in life and so am an old Dad. I decided to write a poem to express my feelings about where I came from and where I've been, hope you enjoy it
I lost my way of feeling like I was a hopeful boy
And tarried far from that place of confidence and joy.
With thoughts that love could save me and somehow shine a light
It was my deepest passion that love could make it right
And that was when I found her and so was lit a flame
It was my hope renewed and put away my shame.
She gave my days true meaning and so began my life
Blessings of two daughters when she became my wife.
Now it seems it's ended, I failed to look inside
Always looking out and full of selfish pride
She said that time will heal and how my heart will yearn
And how her love has ended never to return
I vowed my love eternal through sickness and in health
Never was a better time to focus on one's self.
Drew,
I want to emphasize to everyone that reads my entries that I am not paid by nor do I own an interest in this "Guy Stuff" site.
I did not read anything about you seeking professional marriage counseling in your writings.
I understand your desire for happiness for you and your wife. My constant advice is to get professional help with your situation. My wife and I have been married over 50 years because we sought help when we could not resolve a complex situation in our marriage.
A good counselor will be able to understand your honest thoughts and your wife's honest thoughts and give you a professional opinion of whether your marriage can be saved.
If it can, there will be a lot of soul searching for both you and your wife to heal whatever is causing this division.
You owe it to yourself, your wife, and your children to at least try counseling. It may be that there is no hope of saving your marriage and that you need to move on by yourself.
Keep one fact in mind: THE MARRIAGE CAN BE SAVED "ONLY IF BOTH" OF YOU WANT TO WORK TO SAVE IT. You cannot save it by yourself.
You have found this site. Find out what they can offer you to try to resolve your complex marital problem.
Thanks Jerry, as a matter of fact we did go to a marriage counselor this morning and although she during and after restated her not loving me and how if she could afford to leave she would, I still left with a better understanding about some stuff. We weren't supposed to talk about counseling as per the counselors instruction less it all be for nought and we fail. I unfortunately could not resist the temptation to have a brief convo on my way home from work and that where I told her that I loved being a full time father to our girls and a husband to her. I also did my best to let her know that I want to work on improving those things that have been destroying our chances.
Drew,
I understand your desire to do what feels right at the time. The marriage counselor had a reason for encouraging the two of you to refrain from speaking about your situation.
There is no doubt that you want this resolved quickly. Unfortunately, you need to find the strength to remain patient and follow the counselor's advice. It will take a lot of time to unravel the complexities of your marriage as it is.
It did not get there overnight and will not be resolved overnight. You need to let you wife work through her feelings while being in front of the counselor for guidance and direction.
You also need to remember that "both" of you MUST want to reconcile. It may not work out even with the counseling but I applaud both of you for at least giving it a chance. PRACTICE PATIENCE EVEN IF YOU DO NOT FEEL IT.
I know your right and I am trying but it's hard. She told me that she wants one more one one one session without me and so there's something she is obviously uncomfortable saying in front of me. You know on a side note and this a bit funny in a way. Today I ate Chinese food with a co-worker and I noticed on the Chinese zodiac placemat that I am the Snake and my wife a Boar. I read that Biars are my enemy and what it said for the Boar was that they are prone towards marital strife. I really don't like to think there is truth in that stuff but it is a little weird.
Maybe you should convert to Taoism next
My wife and I (18 years) have four kids together. She's a nurse and I'm a teacher. We've been dancing around the issue of affection and attention between us for years. I used to feel very affectionate towards her, but never loved her in tangible ways. I'd say I did, but I didn't do much. A few days ago, she saw a semi-porn video on my phone from youtube and rightfully blew up about it. She told me she wished she never married me, that she felt that way from year one, and that she didn't love me. She told me that the video told her that I didn't find her attractive anymore and that if I wanted a "hot" wife, then I shouldn't have married one that works as much or has as little time as she does. She told me that she didn't know if it were worth being miserable in the marriage for the sake of our kids. We do a great job of parenting together, I must say.
I was shocked. I'm not usually an emotional person, but the last few days I've been on the edge of tears in every conversation. I am a Christian, and I know the role I am supposed to have in our family, and I know I have vacated that role. I just don't know if its too late. She thinks it might be. I'm working and praying and changing my behavior.
My question is, if the root of her complaint is the amount of attention I give her, but now she says she doesn't love me, what is the proper amount of attention to give? I don't want to force anything.
Coach, There's no way to know, as everyone is different. My guess is that this has been going on for a while. Read the articles in the Love Is Gone and Marriage Advice sections for some ideas and suggestions - don't let the titles throw you off as they are all for either a husband or wife. -Kurt
We had a very productive conversation (in the Wal-Mart parking lot!) last night. Issues between us came to the forefront in a strangely calm way. Both of us built walls around ourselves and our expectations of the other. Both of us had defended the building of the walls by saying that the other didn't care. But the other DID care, and still cares. Husbands and wives, if I can give any advice at this point, its this - be both positive AND truthful with your spouse. Insults, barbs, and silence only make problems worse, not better. LOVE YOUR WIFE, husbands - it is less an emotion than an action. DO things for her, and WITH her!
Coach,
I care about every person that writes on this blog and recommend that they find a professional to help them and their spouse to sort their relationship out.
I have not used Kurt Smith's services but would suggest that you discover all the programs he has available as a Marriage And Family Therapist.
You cannot solve your marital situation without the guidance of a trained professional like him that can give you a "tailored" program for your individual situation. You can read all my entries on this site and know that he can help you arrive at a logical conclusion.
Reading articles or books can give you some insights but you need a trained "Third Party" that can act as a referee between you and your spouse. It will protect both of you so that honest revelations can be given without the other spouse jumping on top of the other.
I do not recommend trying to solve your problems on your own any more than I would advise a new pilot to read a book and climb into the cockpit of a plane.
I haven't done this alone, Jerry. I appreciate your comments, given with a helping thought. My wife and I are both believers in Christ, and a lot of what has gone on between us is a result of God acting in our lives.
Are you sure? Lol the woman I've been with for 10 years she's cheated on me two years ago we came back together and it's been pretty good I'd say for the last 2 years I have forgiven her and tried to accept her back and trust her and everything again but she had told me that she doesn't love me as much as he used to anymore and it's coming up to New Year's and it's very upsetting I'm just curious what should I do
Darin, I'm sure that it is upsetting. Counseling is usually need to overcome infidelity. This is a bit too complicated for this small forum and I would need much more information than space here allows. Read the articles in the Cheating Spouse and Love Is Gone sections for some ideas and suggestions about things you can do. - Dr. Kurt