What should I do if I think I Am Falling Out Of Love? Learn what it takes to stop Falling Out Of Love, feel in-love again and have a happy relationship.
5 Min Read
Contents
Part 1 of 3
Last week I met with Carrie for the first time, and she told me she's been searching online for answers to the question, "How to save my marriage?"
Like many women, Carrie’s in a marriage that’s stopped functioning in a healthy manner and as a result all of the enjoyment is gone. She feels disillusioned, unloved, and like she’s at a dead-end.
Figuring out how to save her relationship and bring the love back is not an easy task, especially since she feels she has to do it all on her own. Her husband is checked-out and seems incapable of (or disinterested in) doing any of the work needed to save their marriage.
Carrie says the advice she's been finding through internet searches has been really general and not very helpful.
That’s not surprising.
When you’re trying to save your marriage there’s no one-size-fits-all solution. Each situation is very different, and her searches alone won’t be enough to get her husband to recognize their marriage needs saving.
She’ll need to do more.
While every relationship is different, most relationships that are in trouble have some similar characteristics.
If you're feeling like your marriage is in trouble, read below and see if you can recognize what Carrie’s going through. Perhaps you too feel as Carrie does, that your husband doesn’t love you anymore.
Or maybe there are other aspects of her relationship to which you can relate.
Carrie's husband, Al, came home after closing a big sale and said, “Let's take the kids out to dinner.” So, she loaded everyone into her car and waited for him. When he sat down in the passenger seat, he erupted in a tirade of verbal abuse.
Al lit into her like a machine gun,
How many times have I told you...?"
Your car always smells like..."
You're so..."
Carrie had forgotten that her dirty gym clothes were still sitting on the front passenger floor. She says Al doesn't like her leaving them in her car. As she recalled the event days later, and in a moment of clarify in my office, she stated that it’s “my car, not his.”
Nevertheless, that night she sat in the car paralyzed as he unloaded on her and became ever more verbally abusive. Their 6 and 10-year-old kids sat silently in the back seat.
They eventually got to the restaurant, but Al didn't get any nicer and their 6-year-old son cried through most of the meal.
At her next counseling session she told me some of the thoughts that make her wonder how she will ever change her husband or her marriage:
Sadly, Carrie has been thinking these thoughts for quite a while. Even sadder is the fact that she's far from alone.
A lot of wives have marriages that look something like hers and they have many of the same thoughts too. And like Carrie, they too have no idea what to do to save their marriage.
Carrie doesn't know how to save her marriage.
She's been married to Al for 14 years, and even though it wasn't like this in the beginning, it's been like this for a long time. She's thought about marriage counseling for years, but never went until now.
Just like she was too paralyzed in the car to do anything as her husband screamed at her, Carrie is also frozen in her marriage.
In Carrie’s mind the biggest problem is that Al seems to have fallen out of love with her, otherwise why would he behave this way? And it seems that no matter what she does, or how hard she tries, she can't get Al to love her again.
What Carrie hasn’t recognized yet it is that the problems she’s experiencing may not necessarily be because the love has gone.
Al’s anger and volatility could have nothing to do with his love, or lack of love, for Carrie. In fact, there’s a good chance that he’s struggling with internal issues that he needs to deal with, and because she’s the person closest to him he’s taking the stress from them out on her.
Of course, this doesn’t make his behavior okay. Nor does it change the way Carrie feels about her marriage.
Carrie's desperate to save her marriage, but thinks it's hopeless.
Fortunately, she's finally sought professional counseling help and I'm beginning to help her learn ways she can get things to change. It won’t be easy or an overnight fix, but it is possible for her to save her marriage – even if she can’t get her husband to participate at this point.
Saving a marriage takes a lot of work. This work is exponentially harder when only one partner is willing to participate. For someone like Carrie, who feels her husband doesn’t love her anymore and can be verbally abusive, it can feel impossible.
The good news is that it’s not.
If you’re trying to save your marriage, remember the following:
If you feel like your marriage needs saving and aren’t sure where to start, learn from Carrie and don’t wait to seek out help.
In what ways can you relate to Carrie? Does your marriage, or maybe a friend's, look something like hers? Share a thought with other readers and let them know they're not alone.
This is the first of three articles examining a marriage in which a wife feels her husband doesn't love her anymore and she seeks the expertise of a marriage counselor for help in finding out what she can do to save her marriage. In the next article we'll take a look at her husband and try to understand what's happening for him in this marriage -- I Think My Husband is Depressed. Finally, in the third article we'll look at some things Carrie can do to change her husband and save her marriage -- How Can I Save My Marriage When My Husband Won't Change. Sign-up for this blog below this article and be sure you don't miss any parts of this story (you'll get notified by email).
Editor's Note: This post was originally published February 16, 2010, updated on February 27, 2018, November 14, 2019, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness
What should I do if I think I Am Falling Out Of Love? Learn what it takes to stop Falling Out Of Love, feel in-love again and have a happy relationship.
You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
Many husbands (and wives) are not "in love" with their partners any longer.
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I suggest everyone read the 5 languages of love and also the powers of a praying wife. Its not a fix all for everyone but it deffinatly sheds some light about things we may not have thought about and besides if all of us are set on saving our marriage or even repair it after such tragic events such as in my case of repeated dishonesty and numerous accounts of cheating and infidelity and constant put downs and being told he dosent love you any more from time to time weather he knows its crushing ur heart and breaking ur family i think we deffinatly need some help and i can honestly say i ha e seen changes positive ones and im excited to share my findings with people who really need it best reguards
Hi Jewel! I am not sure if you will still be able to read it. I am currently reading the Power of a Praying wife. I am going through the same things like most people here. I am interested to know what happened to your marriage? TIA
Well, I realize this is an old article, and many of the responses here are years old. However, my husband and I had a blow-up last night when I tried to get to the root of what is going on (he's spending time away from me, but he has always gone on long drives when we argue or there's a lot on his mind), and he said those ten words to me: "I love you but I'm not IN love with you anymore..." My goodness, those words hurt just as much to type out as they did hearing them. Did I overreact? Of course I did. I was angry, scared, hurt, wondering how this could have happened...but I know that I hold a LOT of responsibility here. We've been together since 2002, going through a couple of breakups in the past when we went through a lot of things emotionally, financially, and such. We always got back together and were stronger for it. 6 years ago, my mother died of Alzheimer's. I went through a lot of depressive states, not knowing what I wanted to do with me and my life, but still raising my two daughters from my previous marriage with the man I love. They are both grown and moved out of the house now, and his two children have both moved in with their spouses in the past year. Over the past year and a half, he said, he has been falling out of love with me. It's very true that I wasn't "present" in this relationship for a lot of that time--I was drinking heavily due to my depressed state of mind for about that amount of time, but I've recently changed these behaviors. I've quit drinking, I've begun going to the gym, feeling better about myself and making the conscious effort to engage him in conversations and initiating sex more often, as that was a large complaint of his over this time frame. The funny thing is, as soon as I quit drinking, it was as if I had woken up from the longest slumber of my life; suddenly, I could smell, taste, sense, EVERYTHING going on around me and was alive for the first time in years. It didn't begin as a "quit drinking" exercise, as it was an "improve me" excercise, and it's working for me...but he laid this on me last night and I'm feeling so lost and alone right now and I really don't know what to do. He's not the type to cheat, he's never been a cheater, but right now I have so many questions and not enough answers. When we broke up in the past, I also told him that I had fallen out of love with him, but like I said, we always worked it out and came out stronger. Now, he says he is tired and he's not sure he wants to fight for us anymore, even going so far as to say "maybe there isn't any more 'us'."
I feel as though my heart is being ripped out of my chest. I am more in love with him than I think I may have ever been, ever since my self-improvement journey began. PLEASE help...he won't go to counseling, and I just lost my job two weeks ago and I no longer have insurance to cover the cost of counseling. I'm scared, I'm afraid, and I really have no one to talk to right now.
Ugh, just ugh. Your story is so similar to mine it is scary. "Those 10 words". Same thing with me and the drinking and finding myself and well all of it. My husband was willing to do counseling. It's been 3 years but I just don't trust his heart the same way I once did. I don't know your age, but I genuinely feel like so much of this is midlife and life changes and such. I wish I could take away the fear and pain. It is awful. Sadly all I can offer is be good to yourself. Continue to work on you and hold your head high with pride in your accomplishments. Don't nag him. Don't prod him. Listen and agree where feel it's fair. If he feels like there is no battle line he may feel more secure in things. But don't give him the out. He has to take the out and own it. Hugs to you.
Hello, Jorine. Thank you so much for commenting. We are both 47, I am 6 months older than he is. I've also been thinking that this is some sort of mid-life/depression thing. We've battled an addiction problem with my youngest daughter (she survived, thankfully and is recovered) and of course his children moving back home. I feel as though since they got here he feels he might not need me anymore? I don't know. I'm still so confused. Maybe even bigger tears today than when I initially wrote that up there.
Kim, First, I would like to applaud your self-improvement efforts. Whatever happens in your marriage, don't let those go. Slipping back into old habits will only make everything worse. Secondly, ups and downs in marriage, while often normal, do sometimes need outside help and support to work through. Even if it is just you going on your own to a few sessions with a qualified counselor, you are likely to find it beneficial for the both of you. Without knowing more and speaking to your husband as well, it is difficult to offer specific advice. I would, however, recommend you keep communication with your husband going. A long conversation about how you each are feeling would be a good start. You might also check out our website and the Love Is Gone section for advice and stories from others who have experienced the same thing. https://guystuffcounseling.com/counseling-men-blog/topic/love-is-gone I wish you and your husband all the best. -Dr. Kurt
Hi Jorine, Thank you for your response. My post was a little over 2 years ago, things fell apart between my husband and I, he eventually moved out and the funny thing is I helped him to move his things even though I didn't want him to, I realised he will eventually regret his decision and move back in with me. The funny thing is we could t stay away from each other as we have known each other forever and there was so much history there.
He was caught cheating with the same woman once more and we had a big blow at work (we work in the same building) this impacted my job and was sent home for a week. We spent that time together at our home and we both came to the realisation we needed to work on this and time apart was the best thing.
It took 3 months and he came to visit me and our dog more often and I gathered he wanted to see me again, by that time I had enjoyed my freedom and being single wasn't looking all that bad.
I booked a holiday for myself and he invited himself to it, we have a good time, even though I was stuttering from chronic anxiety... he mentioned in the trip he wanted to move back in and wanted to be with me.
Two years later we are happy and 2 weeks again welcomed our son in to the world. I have changed so have he. There are odd times that I think that he might do the dirty but I have to trust him as I can see that he has changed. I love him and I can feel that our relationship has changed for the better.
I wish all of you a happy ending even if that means going it alone or fighting for your man.
Much love to all x
Thank you for your response, Kurt. We haven't been able to work things out as of yet, and I believe we are separating. I've been making my amends to everyone, finally admitting that I had a problem. It's a hard road, made even tougher with this punch to the gut, but I have no desire to drink again, ever. I don't even miss it. I am hoping that this separation is what he needs to get his head right. He says that there is no other woman that he wants to be with, he isn't cheating, all of that, and I believe him, and his sister does too (we've talked extensively). I think my biggest fear right now is that he won't miss me...my world just got turned upside down. Still lost and confused. This feeling in my gut and my heart just won't go away, no matter how much I cry and scream in the car.
I just want to say that it takes courage to admit that you have a problem that's step one step two is obviously mending the fences that we broke in our time of broken down. I applaud you for making necessary changes for yourself. Maybe a separation is a good thing for now just to kind a get yours in his life back on track after all the things that have happened between you. The only thing I can tell you when it comes to your husband is the one word I hate patients which I know as a recovering alcoholic Patience is The last thing that I have learned and still learning. If he truly loves you and he'll find his way back and if you truly love him you just have to give him the space that he needs to find his way back I don't know if this was helpful but I hope it was and I hope I defend you in anyway if I did I'm sorry and I hope you all the best
Thank you, Tonya. Patience is SO hard...and I'm trying to give him space. Matter of fact, I'm here with my family in Michigan while he stays with his sister in her house in Nevada, where we were both living prior to the separation--I figured, hey, he needs space? How about 2200 miles of space? Trying to not call or text him is hard, but if that's what he needs, so be it. Over the past couple of days, he has been the one reaching out to me, but he still doesn't mention anything about feelings/emotions. He's always been stubborn in that regard, but honestly, now that I think about it, maybe if he continues to be that way I won't want him. Hmm...just gave me a little glimmer of a new thought process. You didn't offend me with anything you wrote. I appreciate your response. Hugs, and have a wonderful week. 🙂
My husband said he loves me and cares for me but is not in love with me I am totally devastated we have had problems in the past and I have pushed him away due to the stress of my job and issues due to bereavement I haven’t dealt with from years ago it is the worse time if my life I have problems with my health now and under investigations and this couldn’t have come at a worse time.i want to save my marriage I love my husband we haven’t really spent a lot of time together mainly due to work so it’s not suprising the spark as gone but he seems to have given up whereas I want to try and save us so persuaded him to come to couples counselling so I am hoping this will help us both and save my marriage I am desperate to make it work I just feel so unwanted and unloved it is wearing me down