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Here’s a common predicament we encounter daily – a wife is ready to get help, but says, “My husband won’t go to marriage counseling.”
Most people don’t start their marriages planning on needing marriage counseling. But for many couples -
and the busyness of life in general takes a toll on their marriage.
Eventually the connection you felt at the beginning can break down.
When this happens marriage counseling is helpful to get things back on track and strengthen the relationship.
But what happens when one partner (usually the husband) won’t go to marriage counseling?
At Guy Stuff we see this frequently.
A couple’s marriage is no longer what it used to be and one partner wants help, while the other wants to ignore it believing everything will eventually be alright. It rarely ever works out that way, however.
This is what Mary wants to know. Her marriage is suffering and she’s looking for help. Unfortunately, her husband doesn’t see things the same way.
Take a look at Mary’s question and my response to her.
Reader Question:
HELP! My husband and I have 4 kids. Well, I have 4, he and I have 2 (you'll see why I made the separation). The reason I chose to contact you is because I am pulling my husband’s teeth (as we speak) to get counseling to happen! He does not believe in telling a stranger our problems, let alone paying a stranger to "fix" them. Simply put, we're on the verge of separation or possibly even divorce after 7 years married (ten together). Our issues range from financial (his primary complaint and excuse), to my older children (discipline, their Dad, etc.), his short temper/crappy attitude (my complaints). Things are out of control and the marriage has lost mutual respect and affection and been replaced with animosity and the cold shoulder. My husband won't go to marriage counseling. What do I do?" -Mary B.
Mary’s situation isn’t that unusual.
Many men assume they can handle all problems, even marital ones, on their own. Talking to a stranger can feel like a sign of weakness. Mary’s correct though, without help it’s not likely that things are going to get better, so counseling is a logical choice.
Below is my advice to her.
My Answer:
You're far from alone, Mary. Many women have husbands or boyfriends who refuse to go to counseling.
There are a lot of reasons why men don't want to go to counseling.
Among them are,
Some wives suggest marriage counseling for years to no avail.
They ask their husbands to go over and over again, even find a "guy friendly" counselor like me, but they never end up going because every time they mention it, he refuses.
Just this week a wife contacted us to schedule an appointment for her and her husband, but when he refused to go she gave up.
Unfortunately, my husband will not come so I will not need the appointment time. Thank you and I'm sorry I wasted your time."
Sound familiar?
What wives need to understand is that you don't need him to go to counseling for you to go yourself or for your relationship to change. It may sound counterintuitive to attend marriage counseling solo, but it’s actually a very powerful step that can result in positive changes.
Here are some things that can happen when women come by themselves for marriage counseling:
So, what do you do when your husband, fiancée, or boyfriend won't go to counseling?
Go without him.
If you’ve been thinking about marriage counseling, there’s a reason. Waiting to get started, or for your husband to agree to come along, won’t make that (or those) reasons go away. Quite the contrary, in fact.
One of the biggest mistakes that couples make when it comes to marriage counseling is waiting too long.
Often marriage counseling is delayed because there’s an assumption that you need both partners to participate for marriage counseling to be effective. As I explained above, that’s not the case and there can be big benefits to seeking counseling as an individual rather than as a couple.
Below are just a few of the things you gain from attending marriage counseling on your own.
If you feel that you and your partner are in need of counseling, then you’re probably right. If you choose to wait until he agrees to go, however, you may be waiting a long time while your problems continue to escalate.
If that’s the case it’s very likely you’ll find yourself feeling resentful toward your partner. Making the choice to attend marriage counseling on your own at a minimum allows you to work through your own frustrations and examine your role in the problems you’re experiencing. And that’s progress that will improve your marriage.
We all know there’s his side, her side, and then the real story somewhere in the middle.
Whether your spouse attends counseling with you or not, a trained third party can help you put your problems as a couple in perspective, and that will allow you to make better decisions and handle issues more effectively.
This new perspective can also give you a deeper understanding of your partner’s mindset and how to best respond to him.
As you learn ways to handle things in a more productive manner you can lead by example when it comes to working on the issues in your marriage.
You’ll also feel more in control and be equipped with better tools for coping and overcoming the challenge of communicating.
All of the above means when there is strife in your relationship, you’ll be more confident in your ability to handle it.
This feeling of control, even if it’s just over your own approach and reactions, can result in a deep feeling of satisfaction and security. The more in control you feel, the stronger you'll become.
Individual counseling can help you identify and break any negative patterns or cycles you have that may be contributing to conflicts in your marriage.
As you work on your own issues and grow as an individual, it will positively influence your marriage. And when one partner makes positive changes, it often encourages the other partner to do the same.
Keep in mind that while there are numerous benefits to attending counseling alone, especially if your husband refuses to go to marriage counseling, when there are big problems in a marriage attending as a couple should be the eventual goal.
Marriage counseling is a smart choice for all couples.
Even when things seem generally okay, learning new ways to communicate better and more effectively handle differences in opinions is always beneficial.
If you’ve gotten to the point, however, where you feel counseling is necessary for the survival of your relationship, don’t let the fact that your husband refuses to go to marriage counseling stop you.
Remember,
If your husband won’t attend counseling you can still empower yourself and gain clarity through marriage counseling on your own. Your efforts will have a positive effect on you and in all likelihood your marriage too.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published March 5, 2010, updated on February 19, 2020, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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Well I was writing because my husband has turned a cold shoulder towards my children because my younger child has a anger problem and when he tries to discipline him her curses at him,hollow at him or talk back.He is a step-father to them.He is always in the room and pays no attention to them sometimes only if they are asking a question then he responds.We have other problems in our marriage besides that.I just want to know your insite on what I've told you so far.
Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 12 years. We have had a lot of issues growing up as childern in which we need to get over in order to lead prosperous lives within our relationship as well as parents. We have two children which are 4 and 2 years of age which are now starting to become effected by it. I have mentioned counseling in the past. We have tried it before in which he has admitted to me that he wasn't giving it his all because he didn't trust the therapist. The Couple therapist suggested for us to see someone individually in which he went one time and i was going consistently. You don't want to push anyone ; however, i don't feel as though by me just going is actually going to be enough. How long does it generally take before you start to see results.
My husband told me yesterday that he doesn't want to go to counseling, he stated that "we" weren't ready. I told him to speak for himself as felt i was ready and it is necessary since we do not even communicate have sex or do anything together anymore. He continued to say "we" when i again stated I am just say you are not He still would not say He wasn't. I have found another womans picture on his cell phone and pictures of her vagina he claims he doesn't know where the picture came from or how they got on his phone. he says i have a trust issue and until i can trust him there is no reason to go to counseling. He even stated that if i keep asking the same questions i am going to get the same answers - the cell phone is just one of the things i have found. Anyway he says he wants to stay married, but yet he doesn't want to address the reasons i do not trust him. He always makes it my issue but takes no responsibility in how we got to this point. He will not acknowledge that my asking about the pictures were legitimate questions. He says I should just accept what he says and drop it. Your insight would be most appreciated.
married ten and half years just discovered an "emotional affair". He met this woman at a wedding he went without me in a different State, he flew back the very next day but he had his new "friend" as he called her when I confronted him. He said she was just someone to talk to, I am not stupid you dont just talk about anything innocent at 2-3 am or text all through the day. I asked if he wanted a Divorce and he said no I then told him I didnt believe in separation to what he replied "why not?" and then said just like I dont believe in marriage counceling. so here we are attempting to somehow magically repair whatever we have, but he does not want to go to counceling and worst of all has not acknowledged he did wrong nor apologized. the confrontation happened 4 days ago I am physically sick still,cant realy eat some times, already lost ten ounds, every day I cry at different times of day... I dont know how to trust him he is not doing anything for me to trust him.
PS: I have gone to marriage counseling without him to the point where they cant do much for me if he dont show up.
Hi Patricia, I have come across your post and I find myself in a similar situation. I see that you posted in 2011 and I was wondering what happened in your marriage. Did it survive? Were you able to deal with and get over his infidelity? I really hope you get this and can answer as I would dearly love know what the outcome was for you.
Kindest regards
I am going thru basically the same thing but my husband has a baby with the woman he cheated with and he didn't tell me about the child until after the baby was born . We have four kids together we've been married for ten years but in a relationship for 18 years . Since his affair I found out he had other online relationships after his first affair and he does not take responsibilities for all his wrong . I'm in a really bad place . I have no family I have no friends and that's hard cause I have no one I can talk to and really care how I feel . I'm trying so hard and at first I wanted to try and find a way to get thru the pain but he won't do his part and lately it's worst . We don't have date nights at all anymore we don't even celebrate those special holidays together . I don't even want him to touch me so romance is gone and I've been asking him for a long time to try cause I know he can cause he did once before . I'm at my end I'm trying to be strong for my kids , I don't want them to see me cry because they all are old enough to understand what we are going thru . I never had that family my parents were never married my father was never there for me then or now and my mom raised us but she treated me like I wasn't her child I never felt love from either one and they still don't know how . I just don't kno what I can do I've never felt so low , I thought he was my bestfriend I just thought he would want to show me he's sorry and that he's still in love with me . I grew up in a broken home my father has never been there and I don't want that for my kids but I know I have needs as well my heart is hurting so much . I don't know truly I don't know what I am going to do !!!!! Pain
I wish I could hug you! I hope you either find the strength to leave and create your own support group or the ability to help him see the damage he's done.
I know this is an older post but reading sounds a lot like what I am going thru now. Did you have a break through...I'm hoping that you did...how are things now?
Have never posted anything on a Blog before but I feel like maybe I will get some good advise. My husband left four months ago. We mutually agreed on this. He said he didn't want to talk to me or share any if his feelings with me. This same thing happend five years ago and I didn't want to live in an uncomfortable situation again. We agreed that we would talk over the phone to avoid any arguments.
After the separation he kept telling me he wasn't ready to talk. This went on for two months. He finally started talking and telling me he was angry because I never opened my heart up completely to his family " Mom, brother and sister plus their families. This is true. The family problems on that side include alcoholism , drug use, and a mother who won't get out of her house. She completely depends on my husband for entertainment. I should have not shut myself off as much as I did but that us in the past. He still hold a huge amount of anger about that. In addition our marraige went terribly wrong five years ago when he became distant and wouldn't talk to me. Unfortunately I found out that he had a female co worker that he was confiding in. This hurt me extremely badly. I was so angry. He said they were just friends but when I and a marraige councilor told him that it was wrong to have a relationship like that behind his wife's back he got angry and said he didn't want to hurt her feelings. I was crushed. After time he told me that he loved me and he was wrong and he wanted to put the whole thing behind us and just be happy again. It took me almost two years to quit obsessing over this other women and not question in my own mind what he was doing when he was at work.
Now everything he said he wanted to let go of five years ago has come back. All the issues he did not want to deal with. This woman that he had this friendship with is now applying to work side by side with my husband. It's all come back!!!!! He told me we will just have to wait and see if she gets the job. If so yes it's going to be a problem. If not then it won't be an issue. REALLY? I think either way it is an issue. He says he doesn't want a divorce but he is doing nothing to save our family. He thinks he is but even our grown children say he has lost his mind. He us defenatly not the person we have shared our lives with for the past 19 years.
Help...............