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Here’s a common predicament we encounter daily – a wife is ready to get help, but says, “My husband won’t go to marriage counseling.”
Most people don’t start their marriages planning on needing marriage counseling. But for many couples -
and the busyness of life in general takes a toll on their marriage.
Eventually the connection you felt at the beginning can break down.
When this happens marriage counseling is helpful to get things back on track and strengthen the relationship.
But what happens when one partner (usually the husband) won’t go to marriage counseling?
At Guy Stuff we see this frequently.
A couple’s marriage is no longer what it used to be and one partner wants help, while the other wants to ignore it believing everything will eventually be alright. It rarely ever works out that way, however.
This is what Mary wants to know. Her marriage is suffering and she’s looking for help. Unfortunately, her husband doesn’t see things the same way.
Take a look at Mary’s question and my response to her.
Reader Question:
HELP! My husband and I have 4 kids. Well, I have 4, he and I have 2 (you'll see why I made the separation). The reason I chose to contact you is because I am pulling my husband’s teeth (as we speak) to get counseling to happen! He does not believe in telling a stranger our problems, let alone paying a stranger to "fix" them. Simply put, we're on the verge of separation or possibly even divorce after 7 years married (ten together). Our issues range from financial (his primary complaint and excuse), to my older children (discipline, their Dad, etc.), his short temper/crappy attitude (my complaints). Things are out of control and the marriage has lost mutual respect and affection and been replaced with animosity and the cold shoulder. My husband won't go to marriage counseling. What do I do?" -Mary B.
Mary’s situation isn’t that unusual.
Many men assume they can handle all problems, even marital ones, on their own. Talking to a stranger can feel like a sign of weakness. Mary’s correct though, without help it’s not likely that things are going to get better, so counseling is a logical choice.
Below is my advice to her.
My Answer:
You're far from alone, Mary. Many women have husbands or boyfriends who refuse to go to counseling.
There are a lot of reasons why men don't want to go to counseling.
Among them are,
Some wives suggest marriage counseling for years to no avail.
They ask their husbands to go over and over again, even find a "guy friendly" counselor like me, but they never end up going because every time they mention it, he refuses.
Just this week a wife contacted us to schedule an appointment for her and her husband, but when he refused to go she gave up.
Unfortunately, my husband will not come so I will not need the appointment time. Thank you and I'm sorry I wasted your time."
Sound familiar?
What wives need to understand is that you don't need him to go to counseling for you to go yourself or for your relationship to change. It may sound counterintuitive to attend marriage counseling solo, but it’s actually a very powerful step that can result in positive changes.
Here are some things that can happen when women come by themselves for marriage counseling:
So, what do you do when your husband, fiancée, or boyfriend won't go to counseling?
Go without him.
If you’ve been thinking about marriage counseling, there’s a reason. Waiting to get started, or for your husband to agree to come along, won’t make that (or those) reasons go away. Quite the contrary, in fact.
One of the biggest mistakes that couples make when it comes to marriage counseling is waiting too long.
Often marriage counseling is delayed because there’s an assumption that you need both partners to participate for marriage counseling to be effective. As I explained above, that’s not the case and there can be big benefits to seeking counseling as an individual rather than as a couple.
Below are just a few of the things you gain from attending marriage counseling on your own.
If you feel that you and your partner are in need of counseling, then you’re probably right. If you choose to wait until he agrees to go, however, you may be waiting a long time while your problems continue to escalate.
If that’s the case it’s very likely you’ll find yourself feeling resentful toward your partner. Making the choice to attend marriage counseling on your own at a minimum allows you to work through your own frustrations and examine your role in the problems you’re experiencing. And that’s progress that will improve your marriage.
We all know there’s his side, her side, and then the real story somewhere in the middle.
Whether your spouse attends counseling with you or not, a trained third party can help you put your problems as a couple in perspective, and that will allow you to make better decisions and handle issues more effectively.
This new perspective can also give you a deeper understanding of your partner’s mindset and how to best respond to him.
As you learn ways to handle things in a more productive manner you can lead by example when it comes to working on the issues in your marriage.
You’ll also feel more in control and be equipped with better tools for coping and overcoming the challenge of communicating.
All of the above means when there is strife in your relationship, you’ll be more confident in your ability to handle it.
This feeling of control, even if it’s just over your own approach and reactions, can result in a deep feeling of satisfaction and security. The more in control you feel, the stronger you'll become.
Individual counseling can help you identify and break any negative patterns or cycles you have that may be contributing to conflicts in your marriage.
As you work on your own issues and grow as an individual, it will positively influence your marriage. And when one partner makes positive changes, it often encourages the other partner to do the same.
Keep in mind that while there are numerous benefits to attending counseling alone, especially if your husband refuses to go to marriage counseling, when there are big problems in a marriage attending as a couple should be the eventual goal.
Marriage counseling is a smart choice for all couples.
Even when things seem generally okay, learning new ways to communicate better and more effectively handle differences in opinions is always beneficial.
If you’ve gotten to the point, however, where you feel counseling is necessary for the survival of your relationship, don’t let the fact that your husband refuses to go to marriage counseling stop you.
Remember,
If your husband won’t attend counseling you can still empower yourself and gain clarity through marriage counseling on your own. Your efforts will have a positive effect on you and in all likelihood your marriage too.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published March 5, 2010, updated on February 19, 2020, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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That's all well and good to say, "go with out him", but what if he says I cannot go and is even more emphatic about not letting me go when he finds out the cost? He believes that since it's me that causes the problems in our relationship, why should he have to suffer counselling. I don't know how to convince him to go and I don't dare say he is part of the problem with the way he reacts and treats me. He says I just need to do the things I say I am going to do, we/I don't need counselling or to read a book or to watch a video or anything else. He also believes that all counselling, seminars, and retreats will just end up convincing me to leave him (empowerment junk), that none of them actually focus on fixing problems, it just makes you feel stronger and okay with divorce. He won't even discuss it or read any of the information I print/save for seminars, webinars, teleconferences, retreats, etc. (since it's not his problem, why should he?). What do I do? He ridicules me reading self help stuff, and since I can't implement 99% of the stuff I read (it all requires contribution and committment from both partners), his ridiculing is validated.
What if the woman sets up a marriage counselling session but does not tell the husband? In other words she wants to go alone first and then include the husband. I am in this boat. I have not refused to go, but she will not include me from the onset. Which I believe is wrong. It almost seems like she wants to go in first in order to sway opinion in her favour. I believe that if counselling is the answer then it should be done on mutual ground and both parties should be included from the very beginning. Am I wrong in feeling this way?
DGreen and Ms. Jones, you have controlling husbands and should read some of the posts under the Abusive Relationships topic for more help.
Patricia, In my work with one partner we don't reach a point where we're stuck and can't do anything else unless he comes to counseling. I believe this empowers his control and is untrue.
Larry, I understand your desire to start together, and generally I agree with it. However, I know some people need the opportunity to talk individually first. I'd let her go alone and just ask for equal individual time for yourself, and then have joint sessions after that. In my couples counseling I have individual meetings with each partner in addition to joint, so this is not unusual.
--Kurt
Two weeks ago, i noticed that my husband was texting alot to who i didn't know, so i stole his phone and found out that he was texting girl he met while on his deliveries for work. I asked him if he was having an affair and he said no, it was nice to talk to someone who treated him nicely. Evedently since our daughter was born 5 years ago he believes that i treat him like shit and that he is scared to talk to me because i might blow up. After easter was over he left and stayed at his parents for the week and when he came back he said part of him wants to work on the marriage and part wants to give up because it has been 5 years of thinking like this. i just found out 2 weeks ago and am willing to go to counseling but he says why put the effort into something and have it hit a brick wall. I feel that if he wanted to work on this together then counseling is the best option. I have asked him to stop texting the other girl but he says that they are just friends, i went and met her and you could see that she is falling in love with my husband. Last night when i got home from class i checked the caller id and saw that she is now calling the house. If he wanted to work on things why is she calling my house when he is supposed to be with our children. We have been together for 14 years and married for 7, i don't think that i can go one very night wondering when he is going to leave again and why he can't just talk to me and not her.
Jen, you need some professional support and guidance to deal with this. Find a counselor. -Kurt