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Here’s a common predicament we encounter daily – a wife is ready to get help, but says, “My husband won’t go to marriage counseling.”
Most people don’t start their marriages planning on needing marriage counseling. But for many couples -
and the busyness of life in general takes a toll on their marriage.
Eventually the connection you felt at the beginning can break down.
When this happens marriage counseling is helpful to get things back on track and strengthen the relationship.
But what happens when one partner (usually the husband) won’t go to marriage counseling?
At Guy Stuff we see this frequently.
A couple’s marriage is no longer what it used to be and one partner wants help, while the other wants to ignore it believing everything will eventually be alright. It rarely ever works out that way, however.
This is what Mary wants to know. Her marriage is suffering and she’s looking for help. Unfortunately, her husband doesn’t see things the same way.
Take a look at Mary’s question and my response to her.
Reader Question:
HELP! My husband and I have 4 kids. Well, I have 4, he and I have 2 (you'll see why I made the separation). The reason I chose to contact you is because I am pulling my husband’s teeth (as we speak) to get counseling to happen! He does not believe in telling a stranger our problems, let alone paying a stranger to "fix" them. Simply put, we're on the verge of separation or possibly even divorce after 7 years married (ten together). Our issues range from financial (his primary complaint and excuse), to my older children (discipline, their Dad, etc.), his short temper/crappy attitude (my complaints). Things are out of control and the marriage has lost mutual respect and affection and been replaced with animosity and the cold shoulder. My husband won't go to marriage counseling. What do I do?" -Mary B.
Mary’s situation isn’t that unusual.
Many men assume they can handle all problems, even marital ones, on their own. Talking to a stranger can feel like a sign of weakness. Mary’s correct though, without help it’s not likely that things are going to get better, so counseling is a logical choice.
Below is my advice to her.
My Answer:
You're far from alone, Mary. Many women have husbands or boyfriends who refuse to go to counseling.
There are a lot of reasons why men don't want to go to counseling.
Among them are,
Some wives suggest marriage counseling for years to no avail.
They ask their husbands to go over and over again, even find a "guy friendly" counselor like me, but they never end up going because every time they mention it, he refuses.
Just this week a wife contacted us to schedule an appointment for her and her husband, but when he refused to go she gave up.
Unfortunately, my husband will not come so I will not need the appointment time. Thank you and I'm sorry I wasted your time."
Sound familiar?
What wives need to understand is that you don't need him to go to counseling for you to go yourself or for your relationship to change. It may sound counterintuitive to attend marriage counseling solo, but it’s actually a very powerful step that can result in positive changes.
Here are some things that can happen when women come by themselves for marriage counseling:
So, what do you do when your husband, fiancée, or boyfriend won't go to counseling?
Go without him.
If you’ve been thinking about marriage counseling, there’s a reason. Waiting to get started, or for your husband to agree to come along, won’t make that (or those) reasons go away. Quite the contrary, in fact.
One of the biggest mistakes that couples make when it comes to marriage counseling is waiting too long.
Often marriage counseling is delayed because there’s an assumption that you need both partners to participate for marriage counseling to be effective. As I explained above, that’s not the case and there can be big benefits to seeking counseling as an individual rather than as a couple.
Below are just a few of the things you gain from attending marriage counseling on your own.
If you feel that you and your partner are in need of counseling, then you’re probably right. If you choose to wait until he agrees to go, however, you may be waiting a long time while your problems continue to escalate.
If that’s the case it’s very likely you’ll find yourself feeling resentful toward your partner. Making the choice to attend marriage counseling on your own at a minimum allows you to work through your own frustrations and examine your role in the problems you’re experiencing. And that’s progress that will improve your marriage.
We all know there’s his side, her side, and then the real story somewhere in the middle.
Whether your spouse attends counseling with you or not, a trained third party can help you put your problems as a couple in perspective, and that will allow you to make better decisions and handle issues more effectively.
This new perspective can also give you a deeper understanding of your partner’s mindset and how to best respond to him.
As you learn ways to handle things in a more productive manner you can lead by example when it comes to working on the issues in your marriage.
You’ll also feel more in control and be equipped with better tools for coping and overcoming the challenge of communicating.
All of the above means when there is strife in your relationship, you’ll be more confident in your ability to handle it.
This feeling of control, even if it’s just over your own approach and reactions, can result in a deep feeling of satisfaction and security. The more in control you feel, the stronger you'll become.
Individual counseling can help you identify and break any negative patterns or cycles you have that may be contributing to conflicts in your marriage.
As you work on your own issues and grow as an individual, it will positively influence your marriage. And when one partner makes positive changes, it often encourages the other partner to do the same.
Keep in mind that while there are numerous benefits to attending counseling alone, especially if your husband refuses to go to marriage counseling, when there are big problems in a marriage attending as a couple should be the eventual goal.
Marriage counseling is a smart choice for all couples.
Even when things seem generally okay, learning new ways to communicate better and more effectively handle differences in opinions is always beneficial.
If you’ve gotten to the point, however, where you feel counseling is necessary for the survival of your relationship, don’t let the fact that your husband refuses to go to marriage counseling stop you.
Remember,
If your husband won’t attend counseling you can still empower yourself and gain clarity through marriage counseling on your own. Your efforts will have a positive effect on you and in all likelihood your marriage too.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published March 5, 2010, updated on February 19, 2020, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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For 8 years my wife has been sleeping in another room - hasn't touched me - and makes it clear she is uncomfortable if I touch her. Married 30 years - a tough 30 years - keeps insisting that I must go to counseling - she will not participate - bosses me around - was the dishes - pick this up from the store etc - and I do it - just so wiped out -
So Worn Out, You should go to counseling without her. First, so you can learn how to change your relationship. Second, because a lot of women will come after their husbands start. Get some help. It doesn't have to be this way. -Kurt
my husband and i have been married a little over a year & together for a little over 2 years he is a truck driver always gone & when he is here hes ok but then when he leaves he turns into a monster he wants a divorce
& had gotten the papers to get on
& then told me to tear them up i dont understand him so now he wants a divorce again he has no communication skills any discussion to him is an argument ive told him fine get the papers and get me served so that i can send a letter ive wrote along with my response & maybe get him court ordered counceling there are alot of issues he needs help with & now he wont have me served because he dont want counceling is there any way i can get him court ordered counceling without having to do divorce papers i love my husband dearly he just needs help. Some of our issues are he cant communicate he calls to just start fights & then says hes just joking one day he loves me the next he dont he sneaks around with his ex wife to see his son because she dont want me in the picture he expects me to work pay all the bills buy everything needed for the house wash his clothes clean for him ect... im at my wits end please help he cant even tell me what ive done wrong so i dont know
Melissa, A judge can order someone to counseling but can't force them to go, or more importantly, to learn anything and change. Go by yourself and learn how you can change the relationship. It does't take 2 people to make marriage counseling work. I work with 1 person all the time. -Kurt
My story is much like most of the ones I have read on here. My husband and I have been together for 10 years and married 3 of those 10. We have one child together who is 6 and another I have from a previous marriage who is 16. My husband drives a truck for a living and is gone 2 nights a week. I lost my job in March but I am getting unemployment that is just about as much as I was making when I was working and the deal was I stay home with the kids, take care of the house and continue my school work which I started before losing my job. Now it seems like every time he is home, he is so upset with everyone. I talk to him calmly about these issues but it always ends up in a big fight. He says he doesn't feel that we are doing what we are supposed to be doing when he is not here although he has clean clothes, a clean house, clean kids, lunch made for him everyday he works along with dinners I pack for his trips, he has a hot dinner waiting for him here and even though I have trust issues from a previous affair, I am not accusing him of doing anything even though he has quite a bit of opportunity at this time. He is making me and my kids feel like we are not good enough for him and that no matter how hard we try, especially me, it is not enough. I made all A's on my last quarter and had some really hard classes and when I told him about this, he was more concerned with talking about some person who cut him off at work when driving down the freeway. He will not accept any responsibility for any of the conflicts we have saying that he is only reactionary and only acts based on the way everyone else is treating him. I feel this is a cop out and a way to avoid putting any blame on himself because he is treated like the king here. We do everything for him, he doesn't have to lift a finger or even get his own damned food when he is on the road. I am quite angry with him and when I asked him if he felt I was the only one causing problems in our relationship, he said yes. I am going to go to counceling alone since he always has some excuse why we cannot go, money, time, etc. I do not want a divorce but I don't think I can live with someone who makes me feel like I am never going to meet the standards that they have set so high that I can never achieve. Am I wrong for thinking that until we both accept responsibility for the wrongs we create that this will never work? I am just wondering about your professional experience with situations like this and can people change, can he drop this superiority complex he has and be content with a loving wife and kids who do everything for him or are we making it worse by making him think he should be the most important things in our lives?