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Here’s a common predicament we encounter daily – a wife is ready to get help, but says, “My husband won’t go to marriage counseling.”
Most people don’t start their marriages planning on needing marriage counseling. But for many couples -
and the busyness of life in general takes a toll on their marriage.
Eventually the connection you felt at the beginning can break down.
When this happens marriage counseling is helpful to get things back on track and strengthen the relationship.
But what happens when one partner (usually the husband) won’t go to marriage counseling?
At Guy Stuff we see this frequently.
A couple’s marriage is no longer what it used to be and one partner wants help, while the other wants to ignore it believing everything will eventually be alright. It rarely ever works out that way, however.
This is what Mary wants to know. Her marriage is suffering and she’s looking for help. Unfortunately, her husband doesn’t see things the same way.
Take a look at Mary’s question and my response to her.
Reader Question:
HELP! My husband and I have 4 kids. Well, I have 4, he and I have 2 (you'll see why I made the separation). The reason I chose to contact you is because I am pulling my husband’s teeth (as we speak) to get counseling to happen! He does not believe in telling a stranger our problems, let alone paying a stranger to "fix" them. Simply put, we're on the verge of separation or possibly even divorce after 7 years married (ten together). Our issues range from financial (his primary complaint and excuse), to my older children (discipline, their Dad, etc.), his short temper/crappy attitude (my complaints). Things are out of control and the marriage has lost mutual respect and affection and been replaced with animosity and the cold shoulder. My husband won't go to marriage counseling. What do I do?" -Mary B.
Mary’s situation isn’t that unusual.
Many men assume they can handle all problems, even marital ones, on their own. Talking to a stranger can feel like a sign of weakness. Mary’s correct though, without help it’s not likely that things are going to get better, so counseling is a logical choice.
Below is my advice to her.
My Answer:
You're far from alone, Mary. Many women have husbands or boyfriends who refuse to go to counseling.
There are a lot of reasons why men don't want to go to counseling.
Among them are,
Some wives suggest marriage counseling for years to no avail.
They ask their husbands to go over and over again, even find a "guy friendly" counselor like me, but they never end up going because every time they mention it, he refuses.
Just this week a wife contacted us to schedule an appointment for her and her husband, but when he refused to go she gave up.
Unfortunately, my husband will not come so I will not need the appointment time. Thank you and I'm sorry I wasted your time."
Sound familiar?
What wives need to understand is that you don't need him to go to counseling for you to go yourself or for your relationship to change. It may sound counterintuitive to attend marriage counseling solo, but it’s actually a very powerful step that can result in positive changes.
Here are some things that can happen when women come by themselves for marriage counseling:
So, what do you do when your husband, fiancée, or boyfriend won't go to counseling?
Go without him.
If you’ve been thinking about marriage counseling, there’s a reason. Waiting to get started, or for your husband to agree to come along, won’t make that (or those) reasons go away. Quite the contrary, in fact.
One of the biggest mistakes that couples make when it comes to marriage counseling is waiting too long.
Often marriage counseling is delayed because there’s an assumption that you need both partners to participate for marriage counseling to be effective. As I explained above, that’s not the case and there can be big benefits to seeking counseling as an individual rather than as a couple.
Below are just a few of the things you gain from attending marriage counseling on your own.
If you feel that you and your partner are in need of counseling, then you’re probably right. If you choose to wait until he agrees to go, however, you may be waiting a long time while your problems continue to escalate.
If that’s the case it’s very likely you’ll find yourself feeling resentful toward your partner. Making the choice to attend marriage counseling on your own at a minimum allows you to work through your own frustrations and examine your role in the problems you’re experiencing. And that’s progress that will improve your marriage.
We all know there’s his side, her side, and then the real story somewhere in the middle.
Whether your spouse attends counseling with you or not, a trained third party can help you put your problems as a couple in perspective, and that will allow you to make better decisions and handle issues more effectively.
This new perspective can also give you a deeper understanding of your partner’s mindset and how to best respond to him.
As you learn ways to handle things in a more productive manner you can lead by example when it comes to working on the issues in your marriage.
You’ll also feel more in control and be equipped with better tools for coping and overcoming the challenge of communicating.
All of the above means when there is strife in your relationship, you’ll be more confident in your ability to handle it.
This feeling of control, even if it’s just over your own approach and reactions, can result in a deep feeling of satisfaction and security. The more in control you feel, the stronger you'll become.
Individual counseling can help you identify and break any negative patterns or cycles you have that may be contributing to conflicts in your marriage.
As you work on your own issues and grow as an individual, it will positively influence your marriage. And when one partner makes positive changes, it often encourages the other partner to do the same.
Keep in mind that while there are numerous benefits to attending counseling alone, especially if your husband refuses to go to marriage counseling, when there are big problems in a marriage attending as a couple should be the eventual goal.
Marriage counseling is a smart choice for all couples.
Even when things seem generally okay, learning new ways to communicate better and more effectively handle differences in opinions is always beneficial.
If you’ve gotten to the point, however, where you feel counseling is necessary for the survival of your relationship, don’t let the fact that your husband refuses to go to marriage counseling stop you.
Remember,
If your husband won’t attend counseling you can still empower yourself and gain clarity through marriage counseling on your own. Your efforts will have a positive effect on you and in all likelihood your marriage too.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published March 5, 2010, updated on February 19, 2020, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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It isn't that my husband has verbally refused to go into counseling...he chooses to focus on every daily routine possible to avoid even discussing it. He made a few calls, found the rates and instead chose to pay off bills today, pay for an airline ticket for himself and not re-visit the counseling subject especially since it's pay day and there is money to initiate the session. I don't want to bring it up because it just gives opportunity for him to claim I'm nagging, which I've never been because I love him. He is his own person, but I'd hoped that his choice would include repairing this new marriage before it's too late. 🙁
Hurts So Much, You're right that you both need to accept responsibility and that this is necessary for things to truly change. However, can things change just by you changing? Yes. So go to counseling without him and learn how to do this. -Kurt
I have decided to divorce my husband due to the fact that he refuses to go to counseling. We have been married almost 9 years and have two beautiful children. He is a good guy, but he is incapable of communication. He literally sits there with his back to me, or staring at the floor whenever I try to discuss anything with him. He either gets angry, or refuses to answer me. Im not exaggerating here either. He will mumble things I cant hear or in a 20 min convo he will MAYBE utter two lines.
When I think back on why I didnt see this him, I think I mistook his fear of intimacy as shyness or lack of experience. I have tried everything. I told him two years ago that if we didnt get help I was worried that we wouldnt make it. Finally suggested counseling in 2009 and he said okay. He even offered to set the appointment. but he never did. Two years passed of us living under the same roof but estranged (no sex, no going out, nothing). I finally got the nerve to file in March, while we were still living together because we couldnt afford to move.
As the divorce drew nearer I started having doubts and came to him (for the 1000th time) asking him to talk to me (does he really want to divorce, can we work it out, blah blah). I told him if we were to try we would have to see a counselor. He agreed. that was a month ago. I was going to set the appt and drag him there, but he said he would handle it. I thought, surely he would jump at the opportunity for a 2nd chance and not make the same mistake again. But he has yet to call. Now, yes, I could call, go on my own and learn some useful tools, but what is this man willing to do for ME, for his family? Had it not been for me asking him if he wanted to try, he would have let me divorce him just because he didnt know how to ask me to stay! Pride, or fear, I dont know but he needs individual therapy. I feel like why am *I* going thru all of this emotional turmoil and angst over a man who cant even be bothered to show a little effort to save his family? I make all the decisions and Im tired of it. I have been waiting for a sign from God whether I should stay or leave. The other day I asked him why hadnt he followed up w/ making the appt and he snapped at me and said that he would GET TO IT and that I should stop asking him. Not exactly a man who wants to save his marriage. So I sent the rest of the divorce papers in to the court yesterday. Ive done all I am willing to do here. Part of me believes he wants out too but wont say it because he wants to be able to play victim as the one who got left. Hes a mamas boy, leaves all of the decisions regarding our children to me and has the emotional maturity of a teenager. Im SO DONE.
Tamra, Sorry to hear your story. We can only ask and get no response for so long. Change has to happen. Be sure to get support and guidance as you go through your divorce - it can be such a destructive process. -Kurt
I have a situation with my Live in boyfriend. I have asked him to go to counseling because I felt it would help oUr relationship. You see over the course of our relationship I have found out that he had been seeing women he met online. Like Facebook. Once I looked at his phone and found many text messages from these women. One woman called his cell phone and I answered because he left it home...and she just hung up on me.
The point I really want to make with him is that he does not seem to have any remorse for what he has done. He doesn't acknowledge my pain and hurt. He thinks sweeping it under The carpet will be ok. I have old him he needs to work on this with me. Some of these women still contact him and he will not tell hem to just stop. His exact words are ...they don't mean anything to me, but you do. Can't you see that? I make my home with you not them. I choose to be with you not them. Why do they bother you if I am home with you every night? He doesn't get that his communications ( and hiding it from me) are wrong if trust has been broken. Not sure what to do now.