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Here’s a common predicament we encounter daily – a wife is ready to get help, but says, “My husband won’t go to marriage counseling.”
Most people don’t start their marriages planning on needing marriage counseling. But for many couples -
and the busyness of life in general takes a toll on their marriage.
Eventually the connection you felt at the beginning can break down.
When this happens marriage counseling is helpful to get things back on track and strengthen the relationship.
But what happens when one partner (usually the husband) won’t go to marriage counseling?
At Guy Stuff we see this frequently.
A couple’s marriage is no longer what it used to be and one partner wants help, while the other wants to ignore it believing everything will eventually be alright. It rarely ever works out that way, however.
This is what Mary wants to know. Her marriage is suffering and she’s looking for help. Unfortunately, her husband doesn’t see things the same way.
Take a look at Mary’s question and my response to her.
Reader Question:
HELP! My husband and I have 4 kids. Well, I have 4, he and I have 2 (you'll see why I made the separation). The reason I chose to contact you is because I am pulling my husband’s teeth (as we speak) to get counseling to happen! He does not believe in telling a stranger our problems, let alone paying a stranger to "fix" them. Simply put, we're on the verge of separation or possibly even divorce after 7 years married (ten together). Our issues range from financial (his primary complaint and excuse), to my older children (discipline, their Dad, etc.), his short temper/crappy attitude (my complaints). Things are out of control and the marriage has lost mutual respect and affection and been replaced with animosity and the cold shoulder. My husband won't go to marriage counseling. What do I do?" -Mary B.
Mary’s situation isn’t that unusual.
Many men assume they can handle all problems, even marital ones, on their own. Talking to a stranger can feel like a sign of weakness. Mary’s correct though, without help it’s not likely that things are going to get better, so counseling is a logical choice.
Below is my advice to her.
My Answer:
You're far from alone, Mary. Many women have husbands or boyfriends who refuse to go to counseling.
There are a lot of reasons why men don't want to go to counseling.
Among them are,
Some wives suggest marriage counseling for years to no avail.
They ask their husbands to go over and over again, even find a "guy friendly" counselor like me, but they never end up going because every time they mention it, he refuses.
Just this week a wife contacted us to schedule an appointment for her and her husband, but when he refused to go she gave up.
Unfortunately, my husband will not come so I will not need the appointment time. Thank you and I'm sorry I wasted your time."
Sound familiar?
What wives need to understand is that you don't need him to go to counseling for you to go yourself or for your relationship to change. It may sound counterintuitive to attend marriage counseling solo, but it’s actually a very powerful step that can result in positive changes.
Here are some things that can happen when women come by themselves for marriage counseling:
So, what do you do when your husband, fiancée, or boyfriend won't go to counseling?
Go without him.
If you’ve been thinking about marriage counseling, there’s a reason. Waiting to get started, or for your husband to agree to come along, won’t make that (or those) reasons go away. Quite the contrary, in fact.
One of the biggest mistakes that couples make when it comes to marriage counseling is waiting too long.
Often marriage counseling is delayed because there’s an assumption that you need both partners to participate for marriage counseling to be effective. As I explained above, that’s not the case and there can be big benefits to seeking counseling as an individual rather than as a couple.
Below are just a few of the things you gain from attending marriage counseling on your own.
If you feel that you and your partner are in need of counseling, then you’re probably right. If you choose to wait until he agrees to go, however, you may be waiting a long time while your problems continue to escalate.
If that’s the case it’s very likely you’ll find yourself feeling resentful toward your partner. Making the choice to attend marriage counseling on your own at a minimum allows you to work through your own frustrations and examine your role in the problems you’re experiencing. And that’s progress that will improve your marriage.
We all know there’s his side, her side, and then the real story somewhere in the middle.
Whether your spouse attends counseling with you or not, a trained third party can help you put your problems as a couple in perspective, and that will allow you to make better decisions and handle issues more effectively.
This new perspective can also give you a deeper understanding of your partner’s mindset and how to best respond to him.
As you learn ways to handle things in a more productive manner you can lead by example when it comes to working on the issues in your marriage.
You’ll also feel more in control and be equipped with better tools for coping and overcoming the challenge of communicating.
All of the above means when there is strife in your relationship, you’ll be more confident in your ability to handle it.
This feeling of control, even if it’s just over your own approach and reactions, can result in a deep feeling of satisfaction and security. The more in control you feel, the stronger you'll become.
Individual counseling can help you identify and break any negative patterns or cycles you have that may be contributing to conflicts in your marriage.
As you work on your own issues and grow as an individual, it will positively influence your marriage. And when one partner makes positive changes, it often encourages the other partner to do the same.
Keep in mind that while there are numerous benefits to attending counseling alone, especially if your husband refuses to go to marriage counseling, when there are big problems in a marriage attending as a couple should be the eventual goal.
Marriage counseling is a smart choice for all couples.
Even when things seem generally okay, learning new ways to communicate better and more effectively handle differences in opinions is always beneficial.
If you’ve gotten to the point, however, where you feel counseling is necessary for the survival of your relationship, don’t let the fact that your husband refuses to go to marriage counseling stop you.
Remember,
If your husband won’t attend counseling you can still empower yourself and gain clarity through marriage counseling on your own. Your efforts will have a positive effect on you and in all likelihood your marriage too.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published March 5, 2010, updated on February 19, 2020, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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My husband and I have been married for 6 years, yesterday was our anniversary. We had an argument 8 days ago and he has given me the silent treatment ever since. Me or our two children don't exist to him. Our older son is 4 and has autism. I have tried to talk to him, bared my soul, cried in front of him, and he still has nothing to say and absolutely no emotion, empathy or sympathy. It's like he turned the switch off, and he can go on to work, go out to parties with friends and still does not want to acknowledge me or the kids. I have asked him many times to go to counseling and he is a brick wall. Nothing I say phases him. I am having a very hard time managing my son's autism and having to care for a toddler. I work from home for his offices, but have no job of my own. I just don't know what to do.
Silent treatment is emotional abuse. You do not deserve this at all and need to leave. You and your children deserve much more than
This.
Well..here we go. I am a first time blogger however after reading some of your stories I feel like I can share. My husband says he is no longer in love with me. We have been together for 15 years married for 6. We are now separated as he has moved out of our home. We have had a disconnect in our relationship for a long while and I have asked him over and over to get some help (counseling) together and individual.He would not budge in the matter or throw it back on me to find a couselor.I admit that I felt like "hey if he is not willing to invest and find us help he must not care" maybe bad judgement on my part. My husband has not only left me but turned his back on our church, our friends and everything that I've known as our lives together. Also, Im sure he has started an emotional and or physical affair with someone else. The crazy thing is we have no children and he stills supports me financially, he wants to share in responsibility for our dog. He will come and fix things in the house (if i would ask I dont anymore) He stills keeps his clothes in our basement that Ive asked him to move out into the garage (before i move them) until we figure out our situation...he hasnt yet. I don't know what to think of all this. He has agreed to go to counseling as of late.. all this while stating Im not in love with you anymore. I have offered him divorce and told him to keep his money and live his life he has yet to take these offers but doesnt want to "be bothered" he text me almost everyday with "goodmorning have a great day" WTH!!! this is so confusing I really dont know what to think. Is counseling a waste of time...Is this man playing with my emotions. I am doing all I can to be patient and prayerful. I just feel like what's the use anymore. Emotionally drained.
My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years. He was in the military for most of our marriage. He told me a few weeks ago that he wants a divorce. He said he loves me but is not in love with me any more. He is not happy and has not been for almost 4 years. I believe that we should try marriage counseling, he refuses. I want us to be able to say we made every possible effort before we call it quits. How do I convince him it could be worth it?
I have been married for 4 yrs now and my husband and I have two wonderful boys. My husband approached me about a month ago and told me that I needed to change or he was gone. I have a problem with control and can not control my anger. I am currently in counseling for both, but my husband will not attend the counseling sessions with me. My counselor has instructed me not to ask him anymore, give him time, and maybe he will come eventually. I've had 4 sessions and the first session he sat out in the waiting room and he made the comment that he doesn't have the problem so he doesn't need to go. He also says that he doesn't like talking about his "problems" with strangers. He has give me a time of one year to change. I have been getting better with my control and still working on my anger. He has told me that I've pushed him away and I can not fix it over night, which I have come to terms with. How do I get him to just listen to what the counselor has been telling me??? -J
I left my husband 11 weeks ago and for 11 weeks i have cried most of the time.. You see i am so in love with my husband it hurts.
I met him 6 years ago and put him high on a pedalstal.
He can humiliate me in front of friends and when i ask why he had done that he will say i have no sense of humour.
We went on holiday and as we were sat at a bar in Palma (on my birthday) he stood up and walked away and left me with no money, phone or no way of getting back to our resort.. too scared to move in case he came back and i was not there i sat and waited it out for him to come back which he did, almost 13 hours he left me in that sweltering sun.. sobbing - apparently he had watched me the whole time.. when we got back to the hotel room he told me to leave or he would kill me.. i sat in a bar until 5 in the morning. When i returned he called me a slag and asked who i had slept with ( i wear my heart on my sleeve and have eyes for one man) he refused to talk and went down to the beach, i followed him and he kept trying to run away. he was staring at woman making noises of appreciation and then looking at me like i was nothing.. he eventually ran back to the hotel room and i followed to which he gave me a good kicking because i sat by the door demanding he talk to me instead of behaving in this manner. My legs were so bruised i was cared i would get a DVT flying home..
My husband is 11 years older than me, he turned 50, I spent £4000 on a holiday to Barbados to celebrate, i sorted the house, cleaned it from top to bottom. I sent my children to there dads so we could have a holiday alone.. just as we were leaving to go to the airport he asked me if i had got a brolly to take (?????) to which i replied no.. He called me a Useless f....ing bint and looked at me in disgust, he eyed me up and down and said i repulsed him and that i knocked him sick.. for two hours he lay on the bed and said he was not going and finally when i got in the car as i was not wasting my hard earned money he decided to come.. when we got to the airport as we were boarding the plane i admired a ladies GUCCI bag and he said so the whole queue could hear " either you shut up or i am not going away with you" i tried to answer him to calm the situation to which he replied "shut the f..k up, are you going to be f....ing quiet or am i going with out you.. that was a very quiet flight as he would not speak.
sometimes he would go for days and not speak. He never apologised to me and i always begged and cried at his feet for forgiveness telling him I loved him so much.. he would always look at me and ask me am i not dead yet.
My husband could also be the nicest man in the world.. when he was good he was the best, he would shower me with gifts. was very kind, had a wide circle of friends and could be extremely funny.. I miss him so much.
When he was good he was the best and when he was bad he was the worse.
I dont think i actually gave him a reason in the 6 years with him to cause a row as i doted on him and adored him but he would stop talking to me for days if i left cutlery in the washing bowl or his collar was not just ironed as he liked or if i pegged the washing out not just as he liked it.
I always apologised and very often in the time we were together, 50+ times have sat by his feet and begged and cried and he never gave in, he would always leave me for days and days begging for him to talk to me
Once i asked him why he does this and he said its too test how much i love him and whether i would stay
About two months before i left him he said he hoped he would get another 5 years out of me.. when i asked why he said so when we split i will only have memories of you and not my ex wife (who he had not seen for 12 years) when i said thats not a nice thing to say he said he did not mean it bad just that he thought i would leave one day as i was too good for him (so why mention the ex wife)
I asked him to come to counselling with me to which he said "im 53 years of age i am not going to change now. Either shut up or put up"
When it was GOOD it was the best but he could turn with no warning and his mum said on her death bed "dont give up on him please, but he can change with the moon"?????
I left the man i adore and cry for every day and blame myself for the hurt i am going through living without him.. but i feel he took my choice away
i feel even though i walked he ended my marriage as i had no choice it was making me ill
In January he started asking me to go out and to do him a favour and meet someone else and do him a favour and leave.. I know he never meant these words so why say them????? i did leave him while he went away for 5 days playing golf (he had 4 golfing breaks a year)
If you met him he would tell you how much he loves me because strangely i really do believe he does..
any views would be appreciated.. should i go back??
Hi Lisa I know this is an old post - but PLEASE leave him and stay gone. This is disgusting treatment and you can't see how bad it is. I have been in the same situation. He is degrading you. It doesn't matter how much you love him - you must love yourself more. Imagine your friend or sister told you about their husband treating them this way - what advice would you have for them?? I promise you with some time and distance you will see that he treated you like less than an animal and that he is manipulating you to believe that is fair. You will get the kind is treatment you accept. He will never change but you can decide not to accept that treatment. Go to counselling for your self-esteem or at least read books about emotional abuse. Believe me / I went through it / and thank God I made it out.