Divorce can cause major turbulence in an already complicated time for your teen. Learn more here.
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Ed’s wife told him she wants to separate. Then she left for a week.
He was stunned and felt alone and lost.
Ed came to counseling last week because he didn't know what else to do. He'd never been to counseling before, so even going to counseling that's designed for men was a big step for him to take. But he was desperate.
A partner separating can and should be a big wake-up call. It certainly was for Ed who came to counseling devastated and wondering what he could do now that his wife wanted to separate.
Ed said his wife had threatened to leave before, but this time he thought she really meant it.
In the past he had assumed she was just upset and blowing off steam. This time it seemed different – she seemed more serious.
He's probably right. Threatening to leave is one thing, but actually leaving is another.
Separating isn’t a spur of the moment decision. When one partner gets to the point of deciding to actually separate it's usually after a lot of deliberation. And prior to pulling the trigger on separation there are generally many warning shots.
So, when separation finally occurs, the partner initiating the separation typically feels at the end of their rope and sees no other option but to leave.
Like a lot of guys, Ed had been putting his wife's requests to go to marriage counseling off for years. In his mind things were never that bad and she was just overreacting. Besides, with a business to run and a family with 2 kids, who's got time for counseling he asked.
He's making time now though.
He says he had no idea his wife was this unhappy or that their relationship was on the edge of collapse.
This can be a really common scenario, especially in long-term relationships.
For couples who’ve been together for years it’s not unusual to take a lot of things for granted. The idea that your partner would ever actually leave you, no matter how many times they've threatened to do so can seem unlikely.
Threats to leave need to be taken seriously though.
Even if a partner isn’t really planning on leaving at that moment, the threat comes out of feelings of dissatisfaction and is a warning sign. Ignoring that can mean big problems later, as Ed’s case shows.
Now he’s facing separation and having to come to terms with his wife’s unhappiness.
What’s Ed supposed to do?
Ed’s choice to attend counseling is a good one, even if it was far later than it should have been.
Saving his marriage at this stage is going to require a lot of work, self-evaluation, professional guidance, and effort at making changes.
Starting counseling has helped Ed see things he’d chosen to ignore for a long time. He's begun to acknowledge his role in the problems his marriage is facing and that he needs to do better in a number of areas.
It's a hard and painful realization that his actions were such a clear contributing factor to his wife’s decision to leave.
Among the areas Ed admitted to being a problem were the following:
"She feels that I yell at her a lot," he said.
She’s even accused him of being verbally abusive at times, something that she said she can’t take anymore (nor should she have to).
He's not sure if he’s really been verbally abusive, but he did say he knows he gets defensive and mad, and now wants to learn how to change that.
So, what can Ed do?
He wants to save his marriage. But is it too late?
No, not really.
Ed’s wife left him and then came back. That’s not unusual. There’s often some back and forth before a separation occurs.
His wife says she’s only back for the kids and until they can figure out what to do with the house. This is a common scenario for many couples. And while the relationship is still in trouble, being under the same roof does offer hope and opportunity.
There’s hope because it takes time to end a marriage. Even though a separation can look like it's over, it actually gives Ed some time to show her things can be different.
Ed was desperate to know what he needed to do to save his marriage and was counting on counseling to help. Fortunately, counseling can do just that.
So, is there anything he can do to fix his marriage?
Yes!
If you're in a similar situation to Ed’s, and your wife wants to separate, seeing what to do next through all the pain can be tough. But the three suggestions above are a good place to start.
In addition, keep the following things in mind if your wife wants to separate:
And, if she hasn't left yet, but she's been asking you to go to marriage counseling, save yourself some pain and go before it's too late. Ed will tell you that counseling for men really isn't that bad and can change a hopeless situation.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published March 23, 2010, updated on January 23, 2018 and October 17, 2019, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Divorce can cause major turbulence in an already complicated time for your teen. Learn more here.
Do you fear your Husband Wants To Separate? Find out the signs a Husband is thinking about Separation.
No one starts their marriage and family hoping for divorce. Learn how divorce effects your teens here.
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My wife of almost ten years - together 17 - left two weeks ago. I had been having anxiety and jealousy issues on and off for years, as well as being a typically selfish, oblivious, drinking too much half-man. That day I was being a whiny baby about something trivial. She said she was tired, done, wanted a divorce. I've been going to therapy since then, and I've realized a lot about my faults and failures and the sources of my anxiety. I know I can fix myself. She said she has felt this way for years. Spoke to her yesterday, apologized, short and sweet, no begging, no suggestion of coming back. She apologized for letting me think everything was ok for so long. She basically wants no contact. Is it possible she really buried those problems for so long? I would have gone to counseling immediately if I knew things were bad. I didn't know. And I swear I could see in her eyes that some feeling is still there. But how do I show her I can change, if she is moved out, and I don't want to smother her? Is it over? Am I just imagining hope?
Hi i am a stay at home mom my husband and I have been married for 3yrs and together for 13 years. During our first year together i found out this women have been sendin him inappropriate pics n texts when i confronted him we argued for weeks cuz he didnt want to stop talkin to her and saw nothing wrong with it. He eventually did stop.Starting 2017 he would for out of work n he would degrade me and treat me poorly for months . I would be the only one tryin to fix it but he didnt care plus he travels so he would be gone also. I tried to get us go to counseling but he refused. Then i find out that he is texting with that same women n he tries to say he needed someone to vent to. Which is crap cuz he has all his friends and he went to go look for her. So we got an a huge argument that he should stop talking to her. And it got to the point were i said its me or her. I feel like im constantly competing against this women. And i dont get it i do everything for him i do all the cleaning chores and help him in whatever he needs. We have four kids and i am stuck . Finally out of no where he decided that he wants me but to be honest i am in so much pain i dont think its worth saving anymore. Cuz he says he will stop but he said thar before and look it happened again.I love him but isnt there a point were im suppose to respect myself. I dont work he has always been the one providing financially. So i am stuck. Should i try?
Jill, I am sorry to hear what is going on. First, as a pastor, the Word of God says that He hates divorce. God does not want divorce, however, if there is abuse, you need to be safe. This includes verbal and psychological abuse. The fact that he thinks it is okay to text another woman and talk to her about your marriage to vent is absolutely wrong. If he needs to vent, he needs to find a male friend to come alongside with. Men and women become vulnerable when they have a member of the opposite sex paying attention to them, and this obviously can cause a break up.
If you feel that you cant take this abuse any longer, and you can leave, then separate and let him prove that he has changed. If he can't get right and stop lying to you, his wife, the one he is responsible and accountable to, then why deal with that? Your safety from any abuse, and for that of the kids is top priority. Praying for you Jill.
With my wife for 4 years, she's been asking me to leave for months now but I've refused and tried to "fix" the marriage. Big mistake, I'm now lokking for somewhere to rent to give her space. I love her and want our marriage to work out. She's become evasive viscious and nasty lately and not a healthy relationship to be in. Hopefully advice on this site will work.
I've been with my wife for 20 years,married for 13, I've recently moved out at her request, and I'm devastated, lost and confused but in reality I shouldn't be. The marriage has been a struggle since the birth of our beautiful twin boys 5 years ago, it's been mostly my fault and I would do anything to fix it, I love them all madly and I feel like my whole life is in meltdown
My wife of 5 years (together 8) has said she doesnt like the person I've become. She loves me but isn't in love with me. She says she has checked out mentally and is unsure whether she can check back in. Says, she needs space and may want to separate. When we met I was a retail professional making 6 figures. She is the same. A couple years ago I lost that job and decided to start my own company. Which forced her to brunt the bills until the company was profitable which was just recently. She travels 30-40 weeks out of year so I thought since she was gone soo much for work it would be a good time to start the company as I knew it would take a lot of time to get it stable and successful, bu even then I made time to text her to say hi and see how her day was going since she was out of town. We have not been intimate in roughly 10 months, not just sex but anything, no signs of affection, touching, holding hands or laying together. She stopped saying I love you when I say it and stopped wearing her wedding ring. She recently started traveling for work even more, like she's trying to be away from me as much as possible. She is 12 years older than me and claims that its menopause but has made no attempts to see a doctor, I have offered up counseling and she has declined. I am at such a loose it is indescribable. What do I do? What did I do? Is it time to walk away?
Hi Stephen, I am sorry to hear about your troubles. It sounds like your lives have a lot going on right now. Travel, a new business, and financial changes are all significant stressors. You can't make someone go to counseling, but you can have frank and honest conversations about how you each feel and realistic next steps. Without knowing more it is hard for me to give you more specific advice. Communication is always paramount, however. If that doesn't work try revisiting the counseling idea.
-Dr. Kurt