Divorce can cause major turbulence in an already complicated time for your teen. Learn more here.
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Ed’s wife told him she wants to separate. Then she left for a week.
He was stunned and felt alone and lost.
Ed came to counseling last week because he didn't know what else to do. He'd never been to counseling before, so even going to counseling that's designed for men was a big step for him to take. But he was desperate.
A partner separating can and should be a big wake-up call. It certainly was for Ed who came to counseling devastated and wondering what he could do now that his wife wanted to separate.
Ed said his wife had threatened to leave before, but this time he thought she really meant it.
In the past he had assumed she was just upset and blowing off steam. This time it seemed different – she seemed more serious.
He's probably right. Threatening to leave is one thing, but actually leaving is another.
Separating isn’t a spur of the moment decision. When one partner gets to the point of deciding to actually separate it's usually after a lot of deliberation. And prior to pulling the trigger on separation there are generally many warning shots.
So, when separation finally occurs, the partner initiating the separation typically feels at the end of their rope and sees no other option but to leave.
Like a lot of guys, Ed had been putting his wife's requests to go to marriage counseling off for years. In his mind things were never that bad and she was just overreacting. Besides, with a business to run and a family with 2 kids, who's got time for counseling he asked.
He's making time now though.
He says he had no idea his wife was this unhappy or that their relationship was on the edge of collapse.
This can be a really common scenario, especially in long-term relationships.
For couples who’ve been together for years it’s not unusual to take a lot of things for granted. The idea that your partner would ever actually leave you, no matter how many times they've threatened to do so can seem unlikely.
Threats to leave need to be taken seriously though.
Even if a partner isn’t really planning on leaving at that moment, the threat comes out of feelings of dissatisfaction and is a warning sign. Ignoring that can mean big problems later, as Ed’s case shows.
Now he’s facing separation and having to come to terms with his wife’s unhappiness.
What’s Ed supposed to do?
Ed’s choice to attend counseling is a good one, even if it was far later than it should have been.
Saving his marriage at this stage is going to require a lot of work, self-evaluation, professional guidance, and effort at making changes.
Starting counseling has helped Ed see things he’d chosen to ignore for a long time. He's begun to acknowledge his role in the problems his marriage is facing and that he needs to do better in a number of areas.
It's a hard and painful realization that his actions were such a clear contributing factor to his wife’s decision to leave.
Among the areas Ed admitted to being a problem were the following:
"She feels that I yell at her a lot," he said.
She’s even accused him of being verbally abusive at times, something that she said she can’t take anymore (nor should she have to).
He's not sure if he’s really been verbally abusive, but he did say he knows he gets defensive and mad, and now wants to learn how to change that.
So, what can Ed do?
He wants to save his marriage. But is it too late?
No, not really.
Ed’s wife left him and then came back. That’s not unusual. There’s often some back and forth before a separation occurs.
His wife says she’s only back for the kids and until they can figure out what to do with the house. This is a common scenario for many couples. And while the relationship is still in trouble, being under the same roof does offer hope and opportunity.
There’s hope because it takes time to end a marriage. Even though a separation can look like it's over, it actually gives Ed some time to show her things can be different.
Ed was desperate to know what he needed to do to save his marriage and was counting on counseling to help. Fortunately, counseling can do just that.
So, is there anything he can do to fix his marriage?
Yes!
If you're in a similar situation to Ed’s, and your wife wants to separate, seeing what to do next through all the pain can be tough. But the three suggestions above are a good place to start.
In addition, keep the following things in mind if your wife wants to separate:
And, if she hasn't left yet, but she's been asking you to go to marriage counseling, save yourself some pain and go before it's too late. Ed will tell you that counseling for men really isn't that bad and can change a hopeless situation.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published March 23, 2010, updated on January 23, 2018 and October 17, 2019, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Divorce can cause major turbulence in an already complicated time for your teen. Learn more here.
Do you fear your Husband Wants To Separate? Find out the signs a Husband is thinking about Separation.
No one starts their marriage and family hoping for divorce. Learn how divorce effects your teens here.
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Don't try to save a broken marriage. Get the divorce you need. You will both be much happier and more fulfilled in life!
Well, just like a lot of the previous posts, I was recently blindsided by my wife telling me that we have become, "More friends than lovers" and after 10+ years of marriage and that she has decided that perhaps she is happier without me.
I acknowledged over 2.5 years ago that I had a problem with alcohol and immediately chose a completely sober path to remedy that problem in our marriage and it seemed that was a huge improvement in our relationship or so I thought.
Until recently, we often said that we had great interpersonal communication and could always talk about the deepest of issues, unlike many other couples we knew.
She also recently said that one of her greatest problems with me, which I have accepted, is that I was more of a "glass half empty" than a "glass half full" person; in simple language, in essence, a negative person. This is something I can change and I'm prepared and am working on this 24/7/365. It's actually not that hard to "turn that frown upside down".
We have both been to counseling as a couple in the past and on an individual basis more recently.
I love this woman, almost more than life itself and I am fully committed to making positive changes in my life that both benefit myself and us as a couple.
I am interested to know if anyone else has been down a similar path and what was the end result. I am a pragmatist and understand that you cannot force someone to love you but I am not willing to see our marriage go down in flames without doing everything I reasonably can to resurrect what we once had.
I am grateful for any feedback.
My wife and I were best friends many years, together 13 married 8. She put up a wall and I put down a fence in the basement. We have 3 young kids. She said I love you but not in love with you. After a week I decided we should separate as she wants to be on her own. I want it to work out and she doesn’t. I can’t make her in love with me but I don’t want to destroy all our lives being miserable. We are selling our home and moving into the same neighborhood for the kids sake. If she comes back it’s for the right reasons but if not we decided to be amicable. We love each other and today we had our best day talking in years. No one we know would guess this is coming and no one that saw us today would believe it. We still sleep same bed and genuinely care for each other.
Well what if it was the wife’s fault about most of it all and that she is a narcissistic liar like most of her family???
Just beginning to process a separation, and came across this website, wow, talk about not feeling alone anymore. I have been with my partner for close to 14 years, and recently was informed by my wife that a committed relationship was now longer possible, nor desirable moving forward. I’m 61 in a few months, and my wife is 51. Much like a lot of the comments I’ve read here, one of the worst things is it’s almost like dealing with a stranger, a person I never knew. I work remotely , and go back home approximately every 3/5 weeks depending on my workload. My wife doesn’t work, but was up until recently looking after my mother who lived at our house, and was being paid by my mother to do so, unfortunately my mum’s mental health took a turn for the worse, and she has had to be hospitalized. Ever since then, it’s gone from bad to worse, this has been going on for about a month now, between this pending break up, and having to deal with my mum has definitely tested my mental strength, haven’t cried this much in a couple of decades. On top of that it’s incredibly busy at my work, this morning is one of the best I’ve felt in two weeks, no children, but 5 fur babies I care deeply for, the worst is the complete shutting off of communication other than a terse response to an email, I used to call every day, and vice versa. I ask if there is someone else, and am told no, not too sure what to do, going up to the house in about a week, not too sure what to expect. I feel well enough now at least to seek counseling, which is the only thing my wife seems to be agreeable to at the moment, and has agreed to back off on anything to do with selling ,refinancing the house , any advice would be appreciated.
Phil, You're taking the right approach by going to counseling. You need to get a professional's opinion on how your relationship got to this point and what you can do about it. Go with or without her. I deal with this every day and can confirm you're definitely not alone. It's also possible for it to change. -Dr. Kurt
Thank you , my wife agreed to meet in person with a counseller, when I go back next week, I guess I’ll leave it at that, and see what happens,
Regards,Phil.