Divorce can cause major turbulence in an already complicated time for your teen. Learn more here.
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Ed’s wife told him she wants to separate. Then she left for a week.
He was stunned and felt alone and lost.
Ed came to counseling last week because he didn't know what else to do. He'd never been to counseling before, so even going to counseling that's designed for men was a big step for him to take. But he was desperate.
A partner separating can and should be a big wake-up call. It certainly was for Ed who came to counseling devastated and wondering what he could do now that his wife wanted to separate.
Ed said his wife had threatened to leave before, but this time he thought she really meant it.
In the past he had assumed she was just upset and blowing off steam. This time it seemed different – she seemed more serious.
He's probably right. Threatening to leave is one thing, but actually leaving is another.
Separating isn’t a spur of the moment decision. When one partner gets to the point of deciding to actually separate it's usually after a lot of deliberation. And prior to pulling the trigger on separation there are generally many warning shots.
So, when separation finally occurs, the partner initiating the separation typically feels at the end of their rope and sees no other option but to leave.
Like a lot of guys, Ed had been putting his wife's requests to go to marriage counseling off for years. In his mind things were never that bad and she was just overreacting. Besides, with a business to run and a family with 2 kids, who's got time for counseling he asked.
He's making time now though.
He says he had no idea his wife was this unhappy or that their relationship was on the edge of collapse.
This can be a really common scenario, especially in long-term relationships.
For couples who’ve been together for years it’s not unusual to take a lot of things for granted. The idea that your partner would ever actually leave you, no matter how many times they've threatened to do so can seem unlikely.
Threats to leave need to be taken seriously though.
Even if a partner isn’t really planning on leaving at that moment, the threat comes out of feelings of dissatisfaction and is a warning sign. Ignoring that can mean big problems later, as Ed’s case shows.
Now he’s facing separation and having to come to terms with his wife’s unhappiness.
What’s Ed supposed to do?
Ed’s choice to attend counseling is a good one, even if it was far later than it should have been.
Saving his marriage at this stage is going to require a lot of work, self-evaluation, professional guidance, and effort at making changes.
Starting counseling has helped Ed see things he’d chosen to ignore for a long time. He's begun to acknowledge his role in the problems his marriage is facing and that he needs to do better in a number of areas.
It's a hard and painful realization that his actions were such a clear contributing factor to his wife’s decision to leave.
Among the areas Ed admitted to being a problem were the following:
"She feels that I yell at her a lot," he said.
She’s even accused him of being verbally abusive at times, something that she said she can’t take anymore (nor should she have to).
He's not sure if he’s really been verbally abusive, but he did say he knows he gets defensive and mad, and now wants to learn how to change that.
So, what can Ed do?
He wants to save his marriage. But is it too late?
No, not really.
Ed’s wife left him and then came back. That’s not unusual. There’s often some back and forth before a separation occurs.
His wife says she’s only back for the kids and until they can figure out what to do with the house. This is a common scenario for many couples. And while the relationship is still in trouble, being under the same roof does offer hope and opportunity.
There’s hope because it takes time to end a marriage. Even though a separation can look like it's over, it actually gives Ed some time to show her things can be different.
Ed was desperate to know what he needed to do to save his marriage and was counting on counseling to help. Fortunately, counseling can do just that.
So, is there anything he can do to fix his marriage?
Yes!
If you're in a similar situation to Ed’s, and your wife wants to separate, seeing what to do next through all the pain can be tough. But the three suggestions above are a good place to start.
In addition, keep the following things in mind if your wife wants to separate:
And, if she hasn't left yet, but she's been asking you to go to marriage counseling, save yourself some pain and go before it's too late. Ed will tell you that counseling for men really isn't that bad and can change a hopeless situation.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published March 23, 2010, updated on January 23, 2018 and October 17, 2019, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Divorce can cause major turbulence in an already complicated time for your teen. Learn more here.
Do you fear your Husband Wants To Separate? Find out the signs a Husband is thinking about Separation.
No one starts their marriage and family hoping for divorce. Learn how divorce effects your teens here.
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Wow…Such a great blog !!!! I was looking for the same information from many days; I accidentally hit your blog and found it really useful. Thanks For Sharing.
Well in mine situation, my wife was a game player and caused all the problems. She did it on purpose, because deep down she's a controlling / compulsive liar who wants to be alone. I caught her a number of times in lies after lies, but she denies everything. I caught her talking to someone during our anniversary. We're separated right now after she tricked me to sign her on the deed to my house, right before the holidays and right after her cousin died. Before everything she told a number of people, but not me, that she was looking to get rid of me. Don't try to fix something if you weren't in the wrong! Don't let someone walk all over you. In my case, I was wronged and I would still try to make it work if she got help. As it stands now, I'm at a holding point because she's doesn't want to draw the divorce papers unless I agree and make it mutual. I made a promise when I got married and I'm keeping it! A marriage is something but parties need to work on. Both people need to be on the same page and push for success. In my case, my spouse never showed me any proper love... she was abusive and. When she finally couldn't control herself, she smacked out 3year old son and started her plans for separation.
Not going to lie here, but a lot of these posts seem to suggest that everything is the mans fault. I've just become separated from my wife who is quite frankly delusional about how things work. She seems to think that demanding she be a stay at home Mum with no conversation about finances and bills is ok. She gets irritated by any noise I make but cant admit that her own over sensitivity is what the real issue is. And finally that children to do not need to be smothered and in education camp 8 hours a day 7 days a week and that sometimes they just need a break. I went to counselling at her request, she gave up and said it was a waste of time because the councillor told her that most break ups are 40/60 30/70 heck even 50/50. She didn't want to hear that so no point going anymore. Its not always the man. Quite frankly If any persons have to put that much effort into living together, id rather be on my own and live my own life. My son will be so much better off with me than with the drill instructor, that's for sure.
I hear you loud and clear. My wife begged me to go to counseling, and we did. The counselor told us we were both at fault but called my wife out on her B.S. She told wife that she needs to stop comparing other relationships to ours. The counselor recommended I do grief counseling because I lost my brother. I did the counseling for a few months. Fast forward 2 years, she asks me to go to marriage counseling. I said I would go if she sought individual counseling. She did. We started marriage counseling with her therapist. The therapist taught us communication techniques. I use them 75% time, wife does 25% of the time. She doesn't like how communication technique forces us to address issues. Had a big argument and the therapist said in the session, we have regular issues but we ar not addressing them. I told her I am willing to do whatever to make it work. Wife would not say same. The therapist asked if she wanted to separate or divorce and she said yes separate, maybe divorce. I quit marriage counseling that night. In our 24 years of marriage, my wife was mostly a stay-at-home mom, and I worked. I sacrifice to give her a good life, and I am faithful. All she can say is that I do not help our around the house enough.... If I worked part-time like her, I would probably help out more. She wants to tell me what to do all the time and I get frustrated and go in the opposite direction. I know I am wrong, but she does not admit she tries to control too much. I told her if you separate, keep it moving.
My wife of 3 years has told me she doesn't love me anymore. We have 2 kids a 1 year old and 2 year old and im just heartbroken. She used to tell me to pay more attention to her and help a little bit more because i would play videogames with some friends throughout the week. I kept limiting my playtime but she would say "one day I am not going to care anymore" well that one day happened and now she tells me she feels numb and disinterested in the relationship. I love her to death and the family we have made and i've been doing all the wrong moves like constantly talking about the relationship and ways to fix it and reminiscing. I sold my video game and promised never to buy another one ever again and she saw it. We are going to counseling in two weeks but I am so anxious to fix things. To go on walks, to go out on dates but i feel those are all the wrong moves now. I am so distressed into what I should be doing because she is the love of my life and I know at one point I was hers as well.
Rick, You're correct - "i feel those are all the wrong moves now." There's no quick or easy way to make up for the past. And trying to do so right now will probably just make everything worse. So, be patient. Going to counseling with her, or on your own if she won't go, is the best step you can take right now. Things can change, but it takes time, and a lot of patience. -Dr. Kurt
My wife and I have been married for 12 years and we have 2 sons that are 8 and 6. We have had a nice life thus far. My wife and I are fortunate to have good jobs and both have our Masters Degrees. About 7 years ago, after a fight, my wife said she wanted a divorce. We talked through things and repaired our marriage and life moved on. However since then, she has use the Divorce Threat once or twice a year--usually to kill/stop a fight or disagreement we have. Yet, we keep carrying on with our lives, buying a new house recently, going on family vacations etc. Most recently she has said to me that she wants us to live separately and she actually seems to mean it this time. I just don't know what to do or think--I'm scared, anxious, etc. On one hand, this Push-Pull aspect she brings to our relationship just isn't sustainable long term, it's exhausting. On the other hand, I love her and I believe she still loves me (she said it three days ago). Plus we have two little kids, and a new house we just moved into a year ago...I need your thoughts please.
Henry, I totally understand. I hear your story pretty regularly. And you're right, it is exhausting and unsustainable. You both need to figure out and resolve the source/s of your wife's unhappiness, as well as improve your communication so that the 'D' word isn't misused. It should only be used in a non-emotional setting and constructively. Find a professional counselor to give you some guidance and tools on how to do thee things. -Dr. Kurt