Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
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Does your husband look at porn? If so, you’re probably wondering what to do about your husband and his interest in porn -- and you’re not alone.
There are many men (and even some women) who watch porn and consider it normal. For men especially, porn viewing can seem like something regular guys do and no big deal. This is a misconception, however.
Porn viewing isn’t healthy, and it negatively impacts them even if they cannot see it. Wives also suffer when their husbands look at porn on a regular basis.
At Guy Stuff we receive questions routinely about porn and whether or not it’s okay. Some women want to know if they should be open to it, and many others want to know what they should do if their husband is looking at porn and it’s causing problems for them.
Below is just such a question and my response.
Reader Question:
What do you do when your husband looks at porn? We always had an exciting and adventurous sexual relationship. Then we got married, have been for only 2 years, we're still young, I'm still feeling crazy adventurous and always throwing myself at him. He doesn’t want me that much anymore. I just discovered he's lied to me our entire relationship and that my husband looks at porn (because of the 'interaction' he gets from it). Although I don’t like the idea I was open to try and understand the reason behind it and try to meet his needs so maybe he wouldn’t use any more, but he refuses to stop, he wants it to be just his thing, and also allow our sex life as a couple to dissolve. Will someone make sense of this for me? If I’m bending over backwards for more involvement with him, and he denies me of it and is continuing to be selfish and satisfy himself and only use me when he can’t be alone to use porn, why should I stay? He won’t open up, let me in, or allow either of us to get help. Someone, HELP, please. What do you do when your husband looks at porn?" -Samantha W.
My Answer:
Samantha isn’t alone.
Unfortunately, many husbands use porn regularly at the expense of the intimate connection with their wives. There are a number of ways this can start and many of them can seem innocent at first.
It was,
etc., etc, etc.
But it doesn’t take long before the allure of porn takes over and it becomes more important than real sex and intimacy with their wife. When this happens it can destroy marriages, much like it’s starting to do for Samantha and her husband.
Here’s an important fact to understand when your husband looks at porn -- porn isn’t about you, porn is about him. The more you can understand this fact, the better you'll be able to understand why men watch porn, at least as much as is possible for most women.
It doesn’t matter what you do to try to “meet his needs” or to make yourself more appealing, because that’s not the problem.
The problem is that he’s found a drug that he likes the high from better than the high of having sex with you.
Now that can be hard to hear and understand. But in order to respond to him in the most effective way possible, it's important not to take this as a personal rejection, although it certainly feels like one and in many ways is. However, it isn't so much when you understand how powerfully addictive looking at porn is.
You’re right in describing his behavior as “selfish.” It’s also addictive. He’s showing all of the signs of porn addiction.
You need to respond to your husband looking at porn like it’s an addiction (drug) problem, not an attraction (you) problem.
If it was cocaine he was addicted to rather than porn, would you respond differently?
The fact that porn involves the sensitive and interpersonal topic of sex certainly makes it more difficult to be empathetic about.
The answer to your question, "Why should I stay?” should be about a lot more than just understanding why your husband looks at porn.
The description of his response, “He won’t open up, let me in, or allow either of us to get help,” shows that your relationship has deeper problems. The lack of respect, consideration, and love just happens to be most obvious with your husband’s porn addiction, but I'll bet it happens elsewhere too.
Start here -- Change your thinking.
If your husband is watching porn, there are deeper issues to consider and it’s time to think about what the real problems are.
Here are some common problems in this situation:
You’ll probably need the help of a professional counselor to deal with these - the problems with porn and your relationship.
As hard as it is to lose sexual intimacy with your husband, hopefully there are many more reasons to stay and try to work things out.
If he refuses to get help it doesn't have to mean you can't get it without him. When someone we love is stuck in an addiction we often must push them to do what they don't want to do. So, your first step is you seeking help with or without him.
I hope this at least begins to help you see that your problem is much more than just your husband looks at porn.
Despite what society says, porn isn’t part of a healthy relationship. If your husband looks at porn (or you do), it’s damaging your relationship, even if you don’t think it is.
For the health of your relationship and the happiness of you both as couple (yes, he could be happier too), porn watching needs to stop.
So, if you're like Samantha, dealing with a husband who’s looking at porn, keep the following in mind:
For those of you out there whose husbands also look at porn and can relate to Samantha, there’s hope.
If talking and explaining your feelings to your husband isn’t working, it’s time to seek professional help. Breaking a porn habit can be difficult and takes time. But with the patience of a caring partner and desire to change your behavior it can be done. This may not be him yet, but it can be with the right help.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published October 16, 2010, was updated on March 14, 2018 and November 27, 2019, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
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I appreciate this site being here and all the posts....I thought I was crazy thinking porn was a form of cheating....I feel hurt when my fiance looks at porn I've confronted him and he said he doesn't have a good imagination....he's researching different moves/positions for us to try......I believed all of the excuses even when he said idk why I look I just do...all men do....they either watch porn or cheat....this last time I told him I was planning on dying my hair brown and getting blue contacts because that's what he is most attracted to....he said he won't like it if i do it....so why does he like it on other women but won't if i do it?! He said two days ago he would stop watching porn.....I'm hoping he follows through with it......I have two kids and he takes are of us all as we are his own family but the looking at other women and porn cuts deep....I pray God will keep us strong and he will stay true to his words.......Thank you all again for sharing and I hope all works out for us all <3 and vee thank you for that...I was also thinking about child proofing and locking everything. ....if I find he is using again that will be the next step 🙂
Jamie, I'm glad you find this blog helpful. Keep in mind that many men don't even realize that they can be addicted to porn and need to hear it from a professional. There is help for it, he has to want to get it though. -Kurt
My husband has gotten so bad I'm seriously thinking about divorce.. I don't want to touch me anymore.
Me and my fiance have been together for three years the past two years have been hell I havent been able to trust him I found out that he had been watching porn a week before he asked me to marry him I also found in his search history Asian rubdown parlor and a list of places he had called I confronted him he laughed and said he would never do that, he looked it up for the hell of it, he lies and lies and lies every time he tells me he's gonna change he doesn't, he has also told me before the reason he watches porn because all I do is yell at him, and he doesn't feel loved? Is that an excuse? A year later I had a baby during my pregnancy he treated me so well there were a few slip ups but it slacked down after the baby we were stressed We lost hope again, I feel like he is tired of me talking about my feelings, which i tend to do over and over he says just forget the past, if he's I'n the wrong he doesn't Want to take about it he never talks anything out he just wants to drop it. Here recently he swore on our daughters life he was gonna be loyal, well I trusted him cause he was treating me so good turns out I had saw were he accidentally forgot to erase the porn in his phone he told me he don't know how it got there begged and pleaded with me again swore on everyone's life that he didn't do it later on he admitted to it, he's a master manipulator and instead of making it better and saying sorry he gets defensive and leaves and I'm not allowed to talk about it because he will Storm off and go insane I feel like two years of a toxic cycle of good, horrible, lies is enough we can't seem to breakup cause we both care about one another I'm lost what is going on also I haven't had sex with him in 4 months because I dont feel an emotional connection and it isn't enjoyable anymore he tries to have sex everyday but I just can't face the fact of what he has done, he also said he does all this because He can't have me sexually and I don't show him love anymore, can someone help me out here?
Stop making excuses for their actions! Addicting my a--! You either stop and stay married or continue and divorce! Men will always make excuses for other men stupidity and choices.
About a year ago my husband, 68 and my (66). Sex life came to a halt. He had ED. So he went to the doctor and he got the blue pill. Sex returned briefly, but he seemed so frustrated that he couldn’t perform. So I decided not to press and wait for him. Long story short, he started talking afternoon “showers” watching movies in his man cave. Then one afternoonwhile he was talking a “shower” I heard the music coming over google home, and I knew what was going on. Well we discussed it and he promised to stop. Now he can’t ejaculate while having oral or vaginal sex. He masturbates and then say get ready, put it in. It’s all about him, because he gets no pleasure from intercourses our “love making” sessions are short and not satisfying for me. I try to talk to him about it, he says okay he understands, but nothing changes. So what are my next steps.
Hi Carol, If he's not changing his behavior after you talk about it then you likely need the help of a counselor to make sure he understands the importance of changing and to help him learn how to do it. When behavior becomes obsessive or addictive it usually takes more than just intent to change it. -Dr. Kurt