Want to know how Cheaters Feel About Cheating? Learn from a counselor who works with men who Cheated.
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There’s a lot of debate (and very strong feelings) about whether flirting is cheating or just harmless interaction.
Many think if there’s no physical contact it’s not actually cheating.
I whole-heartedly disagree. Flirting is indeed a form of cheating. Below is a transcript of a video I posted on YouTube on the topic.
Check it out and see what you think.
Hey there, it's Kurt Smith. You know a few days ago on my Google Plus profile I posted about flirting, and I said that flirting is cheating.
Here's a little bit of what I wrote: Flirting is fine if you're not in any kind of relationship, the same goes for the person you're flirting with, but if you're married, or in a serious relationship, flirting with someone else is wrong.
Well, that got a lot of response. Some people agreed with me and quite a few people disagreed with me, some strongly both ways.
So, is flirting cheating? What do you think?
Before we talk about it any further, let's be clear on some key definitions.
We’ll start with flirting. What is flirting actually?
Webster's Dictionary defines flirting as to behave amorously, which means with a sexual love, without serious intent. I would add to that having a relationship with another person that involves sexual chemistry.
In order to illustrate this further and bring into a relatable light, let's look at a couple of comments to get an idea of how other people define flirting.
Flirting is generally seen as behaving in 'suggestively sexy' ways with other people, and is generally the first step towards developing romance, as this is what singles usually do to signal interest in others."
I would agree.
Flirting is done to arouse sexual interest in another person. If it is a simple admiration without sexual connotation, then it is not flirting."
I would agree with that as well.
We all know what flirting is and how it feels. I don't think we need to debate that.
We could argue about the intentions behind flirting and whether or not they make a difference, but that's not the point.
The point is that we know when there is sexual chemistry -- we know when we are flirting.
Let's move on and clarify another definition – cheating.
How would we define cheating?
I would say that cheating is going out of the relationship to meet any needs that are supposed to be met in the relationship by your partner.
Nearly all of us would agree that having sex with somebody else when you're in a relationship is cheating. But cheating doesn't just happen around sex. It can take many other forms.
Let’s look another comment from a reader for illustration. This comes from Greta Piperkoska.
I'm gonna imagine myself as married. Me and my husband go into a restaurant. Some man closer to the door than my husband opens it for me. I throw him a sexy smile, because I'm a woman. Cheating? Haha."
Well, Greta, I would say yes, that may have not been your intent, but you did cross a line with the "sexy smile." Smiling is perfectly fine, but the fact that you know you’re giving a “sexy” smile is what creates the problem.
You've now crossed into the cheating waters. It may not have been your intent, but that's what's happened.
So, here's what I meant, and here's how I would explain why I believe flirting is cheating.
Flirting is cheating because it's breaking a boundary within a committed relationship.
Flirting with someone when we're in a relationship is unloving and it's disrespectful to our partner. That may not be our intention, but it's a result of flirting.
So how are we supposed to act?
Here's a question from Samantha H.,
So, because I'm married, I can't smile and say thank you to a man who holds the door open for me?"
Not cheating doesn’t mean you can't be friendly, nice, or engage with the opposite sex. There's just no flirting with anyone but our significant other.
So that sexy smile that Greta threw that man - not okay.
Samantha if you’re just smiling, you're fine.
As I was recording this video I considered the many couples I’ve counseled who’ve struggled with this topic.
The truth is that you don’t have to sleep with someone, or even kiss them, in order to cheat.
Emotional affairs can be just as damaging, if not more so, than physical ones.
And it doesn’t even have to go that far to fall into the category of cheating.
Micro-cheating is something that can happen easily and undermine a relationship. The danger here is that although both partners may sense something’s wrong about the behavior, micro-cheating can be hard to pin down and easily explained away.
Flirting falls into this category also.
Take Greta’s behavior above. A smile is fine, but a "sexy smile" is suggestive and effectively says,
I could be interested in you romantically and sexually and I’m not thinking about the impact on my partner.”
It can be challenging to recognize if you’re crossing the line.
You have to really think about the motivation for your behavior. Are you smiling as a friendly gesture or a suggestive one? This is a very blurry line.
Some people flirt without even realizing that’s what they’re doing. Others, like Greta, do and she justified it in her comment, “...because I’m a woman.” In her mind this is how she is supposed to behave, and she doesn’t see anything wrong with it.
It’s very likely, however, that her partner would disagree.
I would suggest that if you’re unsure of whether or not your behavior is crossing the line consider two things:
The answers to these questions can give you an idea if you’ve crossed the line from friendly to flirty and if it’s damaging to your relationship.
However, just because neither you or your partner are bothered or see a problem doesn’t mean it’s not there. So, another question to ask is:
Let me be clear. You can and should be responsive and polite when someone is courteous and friendly toward you. Smiling and a “thank you” is perfectly appropriate – when that’s all it is.
Unfortunately, there can be a lot of sexual innuendo when it comes to the way a smile and a “thank you” are offered. Being aware of the unspoken message you could be delivering when you speak is crucial to balancing polite behavior toward others with respectful behavior toward your partner.
If you're giving attention and energy to somebody else that should be reserved exclusively for your partners there’s a problem.
I wrapped up the video with the following:
So, yes, flirting is cheating.
What evidence is there to support this statement? All you got to do is look at our culture, and how many failed and broken relationships exist.
I work with people every day as a counselor, men and women, and I hear from hundreds and thousands everyday online, who are struggling in broken and failed relationships because they didn't respect boundaries in the relationship.
Many people want to believe flirting is innocent.
It’s exciting, fun, and for a brief moment can allow us to feel the heat of a new connection. But that’s the problem.
What flirting gives us – even if you don’t want to admit it – is an idea and taste of something that’s outside our committed relationship.
So, that's why I firmly believe that flirting is cheating.
What do you think? Is flirting cheating? Agree or disagree??
Wherever you land on this topic, keep a few key things in mind.
The bottom line is that if you respect your partner and value your relationship - even if you don’t feel like your flirting is cheating - you need to be careful about how you communicate and the signals you send.
If you’re not, you may just end up jeopardizing something important.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published April 16, 2013, updated on April 2, 2019 and again for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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Nope, flirting is just what happens when we socialize, it happens all the time. Maybe if you wish your partner to be un-social then maybe she'll be able to live without flirting.
Flirting have many benefits socially, while "not flirting" doesn't have any benefit at all.
There is a line between cheating and flirting in my opinion but a vague one it seems. Remember, we're just social animal at the end of the day, you really can't prevent flirting from happening if you wish to have a positive social interaction.
My views are as follows….
The question: Is Flirting Cheating? There is no yes or no, right or wrong answer. Answering this question is so futile because it’s subjective. Due to this there is no universally accepted answer, but for the simple sake of stating an opinion, I will provide my general views on this matter.
What one person sees as cheating, another sees as loyalty. To demonstrate this we will use wife 1 and wife 2 for this example.
Wife 1 sees her husband watching porn and realizes it’s a perfectly normal behavior, but wife 2 who witnesses the same event believes her husband is cheating.
Although the example is very simplistic, I believe the core to better understanding human behavior is to study human psychology and biology. Only then will “healthy” views (not answers) be provided to those who seek them. What do I mean by this? Well firstly, to provide for a fully comprehensive viewpoint to this question, you must first analyze and understand the reasons certain behaviors come about. In other words, look for the underlying/root cause rather than only addressing the symptom, the same way an anxious person suffering from insomnia should first resolve the anxieties which are most probably causing it rather than continuously take sleeping pills without healing the anxiety.
In this instance we will assume that wife number 1 (in the example above), has a sufficient understanding of the workings of the human brain and the role of the various key neurotransmitters, as well as an understanding of the main difference between the sexes (biological, hormonal, social, cultural etc.). Wife 2 on the other hand feels cheated and betrayed. Her emotions trickle down a negative spiral and she is posting her experience on this website in the hope she will find an answer to allow her to be content. (Wife 1).
Although the use of the porn example is a little off-topic, the same example can be extended to flirting. The reason I did not use flirting is due to it encompassing such a large spectrum of subjective variables. I believe the simpler, “porn” example is better for my explanation because the same principles which I outline below can be used to “answer” the question at hand.
To provide a case for wife number 1, I believe the following are some of the many variables that would have to be met in order to influence her though process:
a) Wife 1 has grasped the fundamental differences between the sexes at the biological level. (E.g. Hormonal). Through knowledge acquired through the study of scientific facts she is aware of the way a male instinctively selects a prospective mate by visual stimulation, caused by a trait inherent in male species such as dominant masculine characteristics of goal oriented behavior where testosterone and dopamine play a vital role.
b) Wife 1 possesses the tools, knowledge and brain neurotransmitter levels to love herself, briefly meaning in this hypothetical scenario that she is self-confident and does not have a low self-esteem and therefore sees her husband’s porn viewing as normal. She is not inclined nor concerned to delve further into a negative though cycle and acquire thought patterns which lead to her feeling cheated. She does not get anxious nor depressed. Wife 1 is incapable of jealousy which is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity (see wife 2). Please lookup “insecurity causes and treatment” for more info.
c) Wife 1 was or was not persuaded or affected by a life experience, upbringing, a religious doctrine, or by any other external influence that would shape her views in such a way that she would feel cheated by her husband’s actions. (Psychological).
The question is so broad and unanswerable due to the fact that the various scenarios are unlimited:
1) Married man teases a woman other than his wife. Wife considers this cheating.
2) Married man touches a woman other than his wife. Wife considers this cheating
3) Married man smiles at a woman other than his wife. Wife considers this cheating
Perhaps this is proof that discussion is futile. The subjectivity is always dependent on a person’s perception. Every person is unique and therefore all perceptions will differ. However, in my opinion, in order to properly form correct perceptions, they should be based on proven scientific facts. This question and many other related questions will allow for clarity. An understanding of why things happen will be a valuable asset to forming a person’s perception of life as we know it which is why I began by stating that thorough comprehension of scientific facts and by using a brief example depicting woman 1 and 2 as example hypothetical models. I will now proceed to watch the posted video.
Thank you for your time,
--George
What if you did flirt but you know you would not cross the line and sleep with that person wile being married and you want to work it out with your spouse because you love then and you only really want them and you know you F-up pleas help I don't want to separate !
Sean, I have seen couples overcome this situation, but it takes work on both spouses parts, and usually with professional counseling because it's a difficult process. -Kurt
Hi Sean, I am a spouse in a similar situation. My husband flirted all summer with one woman then I noticed they were also texting for 6 months. Similar situation, my husband didn't cheat sexually (supposedly) but realized the flirting and texting hurt me alot. I did offer a separation back in October as I didn't know where I stood in the relationshihp and if there were feeling between them. We are doing okay now and I think we both want to remain married. I think Kurt is right, it is possible to stay together but may take work. As the spouse, my trust is a bit lacking and I'm worried about this coming summer. I wish you and your wife the best.
Hey Steve
I feel what you have been through, last weekend me and my husband when to a shopping centre and I went to the changing room to try a dress on, and asked if my husband could wait at the entrance of the changing room so he could see my dress. That's when I heard him saying to the lady working there "you are very pretty", it broke my heart, he has never said that to me when I am very attractive compared to him, I felt so hurtful in that cubicle. Then when I came out and was weepy he new and instead of saying sorry he said I didn't do anything wrong I was just complimenting her beauty and left me crying in the store! I feel so unworthy and just imagine that the two years we have been married what else he may have said to females? It was just my luck I heard him that day, I definetly feel cheated on and backstabbed. I hope no one goes through what I did on that day, it just says makes marriage sound horrible.
Sara.. You say "you're very attractive compared to him" What is that supposed to mean? Sounds very shallow to me and can people of the opposite sex be compared that way? Never heard of such thing. Obviously it really baffles me that your husband of two years complemented another woman but never his own wife. Are you sure about that statement or perhaps you have some serious insecurity issues? I mean you can't value beauty that much to be so offended by it?
I would appreciate feedback...male and female on my post please. I've been dating a man for three years. We are both over fifty, intelligent, educated people. My SO has a habit that has caused us issues since nearly the start. We've discussed (argued) about it and he has worked to make it appear like he is giving into my wishes...but I don't think so. The problem is that if we are around and attractive woman he will state at her until he provokes a reaction to the good. If he can " get away with it" aka thinks I can't prove that he is doing it, he will keep it up as long as she will play. This includes staring...rubbing his goatee..stroking his mustache and looking back repeatedly. My suspicions are based on the reactions of the women. I think this is wrong and insulting to me and demeaning to him. He says I am imagining it. I would add that these aren't things he ever has done with me.
Hi Lynn. Here is my feedback.
Your husband is a man, and he is behaving like one. It's that simple. He must also be a healthy man to be so libidinous at his age, another good thing.
It goes without saying that being involved with another person does not necessarily mean all other women become unattractive. This is life. We;re supposed to be this way. You should be concerned if he wasn't. It's that simple. Besides, he is stroking his beard!! not doing something X-rated. I find this amuzing...You say you are educated. Forgive me if I doubt your sincerity and label you a troll. Are you trolling?
You're in your 50's and I really don't mean to offend, but these kind of uncertainties are usually expressed by teenagers. IMHO, those plagued by thoughts of this nsture after reaching maturity could suffer from some kind of neurosis. Perhaps a trauma from early years?. Being insecure at this level is definitely not helping you. It's ashame you have had to go through such feelings for a long time, but it's never too late to seek help. You first have to accept you have a problem for you to get better.
Or expressed by a woman with years of wisdom and instinct to know when something feels off? I bet if the shoe was on the other foot and she started "rubbing" something he husband would be singing a different tune.
I see your SO's behavior to be red flags to inappropriate behavior and selfish attitude on his part--it is very thoughtless, unloving and disrespectful towards you. What he is doing is not okay, your gut tells you so and you are right in listening to your feelings.