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There’s a lot of debate (and very strong feelings) about whether flirting is cheating or just harmless interaction.
Many think if there’s no physical contact it’s not actually cheating.
I whole-heartedly disagree. Flirting is indeed a form of cheating. Below is a transcript of a video I posted on YouTube on the topic.
Check it out and see what you think.
Hey there, it's Kurt Smith. You know a few days ago on my Google Plus profile I posted about flirting, and I said that flirting is cheating.
Here's a little bit of what I wrote: Flirting is fine if you're not in any kind of relationship, the same goes for the person you're flirting with, but if you're married, or in a serious relationship, flirting with someone else is wrong.
Well, that got a lot of response. Some people agreed with me and quite a few people disagreed with me, some strongly both ways.
So, is flirting cheating? What do you think?
Before we talk about it any further, let's be clear on some key definitions.
We’ll start with flirting. What is flirting actually?
Webster's Dictionary defines flirting as to behave amorously, which means with a sexual love, without serious intent. I would add to that having a relationship with another person that involves sexual chemistry.
In order to illustrate this further and bring into a relatable light, let's look at a couple of comments to get an idea of how other people define flirting.
Flirting is generally seen as behaving in 'suggestively sexy' ways with other people, and is generally the first step towards developing romance, as this is what singles usually do to signal interest in others."
I would agree.
Flirting is done to arouse sexual interest in another person. If it is a simple admiration without sexual connotation, then it is not flirting."
I would agree with that as well.
We all know what flirting is and how it feels. I don't think we need to debate that.
We could argue about the intentions behind flirting and whether or not they make a difference, but that's not the point.
The point is that we know when there is sexual chemistry -- we know when we are flirting.
Let's move on and clarify another definition – cheating.
How would we define cheating?
I would say that cheating is going out of the relationship to meet any needs that are supposed to be met in the relationship by your partner.
Nearly all of us would agree that having sex with somebody else when you're in a relationship is cheating. But cheating doesn't just happen around sex. It can take many other forms.
Let’s look another comment from a reader for illustration. This comes from Greta Piperkoska.
I'm gonna imagine myself as married. Me and my husband go into a restaurant. Some man closer to the door than my husband opens it for me. I throw him a sexy smile, because I'm a woman. Cheating? Haha."
Well, Greta, I would say yes, that may have not been your intent, but you did cross a line with the "sexy smile." Smiling is perfectly fine, but the fact that you know you’re giving a “sexy” smile is what creates the problem.
You've now crossed into the cheating waters. It may not have been your intent, but that's what's happened.
So, here's what I meant, and here's how I would explain why I believe flirting is cheating.
Flirting is cheating because it's breaking a boundary within a committed relationship.
Flirting with someone when we're in a relationship is unloving and it's disrespectful to our partner. That may not be our intention, but it's a result of flirting.
So how are we supposed to act?
Here's a question from Samantha H.,
So, because I'm married, I can't smile and say thank you to a man who holds the door open for me?"
Not cheating doesn’t mean you can't be friendly, nice, or engage with the opposite sex. There's just no flirting with anyone but our significant other.
So that sexy smile that Greta threw that man - not okay.
Samantha if you’re just smiling, you're fine.
As I was recording this video I considered the many couples I’ve counseled who’ve struggled with this topic.
The truth is that you don’t have to sleep with someone, or even kiss them, in order to cheat.
Emotional affairs can be just as damaging, if not more so, than physical ones.
And it doesn’t even have to go that far to fall into the category of cheating.
Micro-cheating is something that can happen easily and undermine a relationship. The danger here is that although both partners may sense something’s wrong about the behavior, micro-cheating can be hard to pin down and easily explained away.
Flirting falls into this category also.
Take Greta’s behavior above. A smile is fine, but a "sexy smile" is suggestive and effectively says,
I could be interested in you romantically and sexually and I’m not thinking about the impact on my partner.”
It can be challenging to recognize if you’re crossing the line.
You have to really think about the motivation for your behavior. Are you smiling as a friendly gesture or a suggestive one? This is a very blurry line.
Some people flirt without even realizing that’s what they’re doing. Others, like Greta, do and she justified it in her comment, “...because I’m a woman.” In her mind this is how she is supposed to behave, and she doesn’t see anything wrong with it.
It’s very likely, however, that her partner would disagree.
I would suggest that if you’re unsure of whether or not your behavior is crossing the line consider two things:
The answers to these questions can give you an idea if you’ve crossed the line from friendly to flirty and if it’s damaging to your relationship.
However, just because neither you or your partner are bothered or see a problem doesn’t mean it’s not there. So, another question to ask is:
Let me be clear. You can and should be responsive and polite when someone is courteous and friendly toward you. Smiling and a “thank you” is perfectly appropriate – when that’s all it is.
Unfortunately, there can be a lot of sexual innuendo when it comes to the way a smile and a “thank you” are offered. Being aware of the unspoken message you could be delivering when you speak is crucial to balancing polite behavior toward others with respectful behavior toward your partner.
If you're giving attention and energy to somebody else that should be reserved exclusively for your partners there’s a problem.
I wrapped up the video with the following:
So, yes, flirting is cheating.
What evidence is there to support this statement? All you got to do is look at our culture, and how many failed and broken relationships exist.
I work with people every day as a counselor, men and women, and I hear from hundreds and thousands everyday online, who are struggling in broken and failed relationships because they didn't respect boundaries in the relationship.
Many people want to believe flirting is innocent.
It’s exciting, fun, and for a brief moment can allow us to feel the heat of a new connection. But that’s the problem.
What flirting gives us – even if you don’t want to admit it – is an idea and taste of something that’s outside our committed relationship.
So, that's why I firmly believe that flirting is cheating.
What do you think? Is flirting cheating? Agree or disagree??
Wherever you land on this topic, keep a few key things in mind.
The bottom line is that if you respect your partner and value your relationship - even if you don’t feel like your flirting is cheating - you need to be careful about how you communicate and the signals you send.
If you’re not, you may just end up jeopardizing something important.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published April 16, 2013, updated on April 2, 2019 and again for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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Hi!
Two weeks ago, I found out that my fiance, to whom I have been engaged for 5 months and this is the 3rd year dating, has been flirting with about 6 girls. He flirts on Facebook, Hangouts and Whatsapp. How I found out is when he gave me his phone to text his when we were driving to go to my parents place. To one of the ladies, he wrote "I am not married yet because you refused me" and she went on to add that she loves him. To another he wrote "What are you going to do to me" and she went on to say how she misses him terribly. To yet another he wrote "I love your voice. It's hard to find a smart and beautiful lady like you and I like you a lot". I am too familiar with these words since he has used them on me before. In all his flirtatious conversations, there was no mention of me. None of them knew about me because even on his social media accounts, one cannot tell that he and I are together. We have been living together for 6 months now, and he lied to an ex of his that he lives with his sister!!! I feel bad, and I am starting to resent him. I feel betrayed, I feel like all those years have been a lie. I honestly don't know how to move on from this, that's why I came looking for help here. Someone please advise me since he doesn't seem to notice the effect his flirting with other women has done to me!
Hi Ester, So sorry to hear you are going through this. I would definitely talk to him about this as it may only get worse once you are married. Keeping the lines of communication open are key to a strong relationship. Please keep us posted on how you make out.
Esther, You can't control what he does, only what you do. If he won't take responsibility for his behavior, you will have to decide if staying is right for you and only you can know that. See the articles in Love Is Gone and Relationship Advice from some ideas and suggestions. -Kurt
my husband flirts all the time and was really bad on fb. he says its all in fun. One woman he said is his married friend told him on fb he would always be her sexy stud. Guess what, he's no longer my sexy stud. He also told one woman he would do a full body exam for her for her illness. he calls this innocent.
Respect for not tolerating behavior you don't want in your life, but the main question would be: was he displaying similar behavior before you got married to him? If the answer is positive then I hope you will employ some introspection and learn from this mistake and not repeat it. If the answer is NO, then double respect to you!
yes he was displaying this behavior before I married him. He has gotten worse since we married. He flirts in front of me and could care less that I'm there. He will talk to women and totally ignore me when we are out. He will tell them off color jokes and says vulgar things with me there. He says I'm sensitive. He will tell you he's not flirting but yes he wants every woman to notice him. I'm tired of it and he gets mad if I say something. So flirting is definitely a form of cheating. It's emotional.
Jodi, I feel you. My future ex-husband wherever we go he does that. He can't separate things we need to keep in private between us and makes me feel humiliated in public like he just puts me out there and he doesn't care. He flirts with younger girls and about his age women and disrespects older women for an instance waitresses in restaurants. He acts different with people around us and insult me. He avoids being passionate with me in public and denies the fact we are married and I'm his wife. He uses my name for lies to other girls he exchange messages to impress them.
Arya, I can feel for you also. Unfortunately my husband has no age preference. When we go out he moves away from me and will start a conversation with a woman and if I try to say anything he turns the topic to him. When we go outside or he is at work,he works outside, he loves to take off his shirt and show off all his tattoos and his hairy body. He always tells me how great of shape he is in. He will talk loud in a restaurant just so he can brag about himself. He will not wear cologne I like and he never tells me I smell good but will tell another woman. PDA for us is out because he might run into one of his old flames.
Hahaha, Jody, that's hilarious. He may be very extroverted or a narcisist or maybe even both! If he treats you like this and you have communicated this to him and have requested he respects your feelings and he still hasn't change, then why are you still with him? If it's for the kids or financial reasons and you've decided that the disadvantages of leaving outweigh the advantages, then I'm sorry to have to tell you this but you're going to have to knock him off his pedestal. The secret is to destroy his self-esteem or at least bring it down a few notches by laughing at his hairy body, insulting him (fat gorilla etc.) non-stop but try to do it in a sarcastic way. Poke fun at his personality and make black humor with time and persistence you will slowly but surely damage his self image and he will then begin to see you as having the upper hand. If you succeed and continue, he will start to worship you rather than look down on you. I do not condone you doing this, but if you can't opt for the simple option of removing this dirt from your life, you will have to take another route. (since when was having a hairy body sexy in this day and age? Remind the old timer that it's not the 70's any more, focus on making feel like a worthless, ugly slob).
In my experience I've not known knocking a person down to be effective in gaining their respect. From my experience the behavior Jodi's partner displays is manifest of low self worth but inflated ego, along with selfishness. In a word he sounds like a real jerk; I'm not sure what the cure is. But if I were in Jodi's shoes, I'd either leave the man, but if leaving were not an option, I'd try to figure out a way to show him love and respect despite the fact his behavior is not deserving of it. There is a reason the man chose to marry Jodi; there must have been something in the way she related to him that met a need of his. While in no way would I ever suggest she is to blame for his horrible conduct, perhaps there is a way she could, through love, help him learn a better way. If not, at least in the process of trying to love and respect him she will grow as a person to even higher levels including in her sense of self love and worth, so for her it's a win win either way. Knocking him down, on the other hand, will not only hurt him it will also be detrimental to her. I have never felt better about myself when I've hurt another human being regardless of how awful they behaved.
Gina, I take back my suggestion, and I must say love is the answer if she has found inner peace herself. I'm guessing that this is a toxic relationship if her partner has low self worth as you say, perhaps he got into the relationship out of a need. I firmly believe if you need someone to make you happy, you will be miserable until you overcome your own issues.
I wish more people felt like this. I think more would be happily married if they did. Yes flirting is cheating. Those who flirt with the opposite sex or do not put their foot down when advances are thrown at them are disrespectful and are snakes slithering in the grasses.
I found a note in my BF shirt pocket while looking for a pen to use in the car. It was written on a register receipt from his work. It says " John and Annie Save The Date (with a heart after that) Then the word Eternity. We have been together for 4 years. He works in a restaurant and says its a joke and that I dont understand because I never worked in a restaraunt and people that do are just more colorful...I asked him if his coworker that wrote it knew he has a GF and he said IDK, probably not. He does not see this as a boundary that has been crossed and says it means nothing to him. Our relationship is fragile right now. We lack intimacy and I feel vulnerable already, so this under other circumstances might roll right off me. He defends rather than the perspective that it may mean nothing to him, but she may be unclear. And even if it is all fun and haha...not appropriate if you are in a relationship or if you know someone is. We argue and he gets mad and turns it around on me stating why was I snooping, which I was not. Never expected this ever.
I am a med student and had a previous supervisor that was really flirtatious and sending mixed messages (purely comments nothing ever got physical). When I confronted him about my confusion, he said we were doing nothing wrong (him being my supervisor and also having a girlfriend). It was very crazy-making and it didn't help because i was flirting back. Nine months after placement at another hospital I reached out to him because it really bothered me and I was trying to make sense of what happened. Unfortunately, I've been drawn back into a whirl wind of flirtatious, crazy-making texts (e.g. him telling me he fantasizes about me). When I ask about his feelings and what's going on between us he does not respond or says we will discuss in person but there have already been a few him-last-minute-canceling attempts. He is now engaged to the previously mentioned girlfriend. I feel so guilty because I'm the one reaching out with my unanswered questions. Is he cheating on his fiance? Am I helping him? Why might he be doing this? Is he leading me on? Will his fiance get hurt in all this? I guess I'm just shocked that someone as prestigious as him would be interested in someone like me and even more shocked that I'm in this confusing mess and can't seem to get out!
Med Student, He is engaged to another, so flirting is not ok, for either of you. You can't control what he does, but you can control how you react to his behavior. -Kurt