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There’s a lot of debate (and very strong feelings) about whether flirting is cheating or just harmless interaction.
Many think if there’s no physical contact it’s not actually cheating.
I whole-heartedly disagree. Flirting is indeed a form of cheating. Below is a transcript of a video I posted on YouTube on the topic.
Check it out and see what you think.
Hey there, it's Kurt Smith. You know a few days ago on my Google Plus profile I posted about flirting, and I said that flirting is cheating.
Here's a little bit of what I wrote: Flirting is fine if you're not in any kind of relationship, the same goes for the person you're flirting with, but if you're married, or in a serious relationship, flirting with someone else is wrong.
Well, that got a lot of response. Some people agreed with me and quite a few people disagreed with me, some strongly both ways.
So, is flirting cheating? What do you think?
Before we talk about it any further, let's be clear on some key definitions.
We’ll start with flirting. What is flirting actually?
Webster's Dictionary defines flirting as to behave amorously, which means with a sexual love, without serious intent. I would add to that having a relationship with another person that involves sexual chemistry.
In order to illustrate this further and bring into a relatable light, let's look at a couple of comments to get an idea of how other people define flirting.
Flirting is generally seen as behaving in 'suggestively sexy' ways with other people, and is generally the first step towards developing romance, as this is what singles usually do to signal interest in others."
I would agree.
Flirting is done to arouse sexual interest in another person. If it is a simple admiration without sexual connotation, then it is not flirting."
I would agree with that as well.
We all know what flirting is and how it feels. I don't think we need to debate that.
We could argue about the intentions behind flirting and whether or not they make a difference, but that's not the point.
The point is that we know when there is sexual chemistry -- we know when we are flirting.
Let's move on and clarify another definition – cheating.
How would we define cheating?
I would say that cheating is going out of the relationship to meet any needs that are supposed to be met in the relationship by your partner.
Nearly all of us would agree that having sex with somebody else when you're in a relationship is cheating. But cheating doesn't just happen around sex. It can take many other forms.
Let’s look another comment from a reader for illustration. This comes from Greta Piperkoska.
I'm gonna imagine myself as married. Me and my husband go into a restaurant. Some man closer to the door than my husband opens it for me. I throw him a sexy smile, because I'm a woman. Cheating? Haha."
Well, Greta, I would say yes, that may have not been your intent, but you did cross a line with the "sexy smile." Smiling is perfectly fine, but the fact that you know you’re giving a “sexy” smile is what creates the problem.
You've now crossed into the cheating waters. It may not have been your intent, but that's what's happened.
So, here's what I meant, and here's how I would explain why I believe flirting is cheating.
Flirting is cheating because it's breaking a boundary within a committed relationship.
Flirting with someone when we're in a relationship is unloving and it's disrespectful to our partner. That may not be our intention, but it's a result of flirting.
So how are we supposed to act?
Here's a question from Samantha H.,
So, because I'm married, I can't smile and say thank you to a man who holds the door open for me?"
Not cheating doesn’t mean you can't be friendly, nice, or engage with the opposite sex. There's just no flirting with anyone but our significant other.
So that sexy smile that Greta threw that man - not okay.
Samantha if you’re just smiling, you're fine.
As I was recording this video I considered the many couples I’ve counseled who’ve struggled with this topic.
The truth is that you don’t have to sleep with someone, or even kiss them, in order to cheat.
Emotional affairs can be just as damaging, if not more so, than physical ones.
And it doesn’t even have to go that far to fall into the category of cheating.
Micro-cheating is something that can happen easily and undermine a relationship. The danger here is that although both partners may sense something’s wrong about the behavior, micro-cheating can be hard to pin down and easily explained away.
Flirting falls into this category also.
Take Greta’s behavior above. A smile is fine, but a "sexy smile" is suggestive and effectively says,
I could be interested in you romantically and sexually and I’m not thinking about the impact on my partner.”
It can be challenging to recognize if you’re crossing the line.
You have to really think about the motivation for your behavior. Are you smiling as a friendly gesture or a suggestive one? This is a very blurry line.
Some people flirt without even realizing that’s what they’re doing. Others, like Greta, do and she justified it in her comment, “...because I’m a woman.” In her mind this is how she is supposed to behave, and she doesn’t see anything wrong with it.
It’s very likely, however, that her partner would disagree.
I would suggest that if you’re unsure of whether or not your behavior is crossing the line consider two things:
The answers to these questions can give you an idea if you’ve crossed the line from friendly to flirty and if it’s damaging to your relationship.
However, just because neither you or your partner are bothered or see a problem doesn’t mean it’s not there. So, another question to ask is:
Let me be clear. You can and should be responsive and polite when someone is courteous and friendly toward you. Smiling and a “thank you” is perfectly appropriate – when that’s all it is.
Unfortunately, there can be a lot of sexual innuendo when it comes to the way a smile and a “thank you” are offered. Being aware of the unspoken message you could be delivering when you speak is crucial to balancing polite behavior toward others with respectful behavior toward your partner.
If you're giving attention and energy to somebody else that should be reserved exclusively for your partners there’s a problem.
I wrapped up the video with the following:
So, yes, flirting is cheating.
What evidence is there to support this statement? All you got to do is look at our culture, and how many failed and broken relationships exist.
I work with people every day as a counselor, men and women, and I hear from hundreds and thousands everyday online, who are struggling in broken and failed relationships because they didn't respect boundaries in the relationship.
Many people want to believe flirting is innocent.
It’s exciting, fun, and for a brief moment can allow us to feel the heat of a new connection. But that’s the problem.
What flirting gives us – even if you don’t want to admit it – is an idea and taste of something that’s outside our committed relationship.
So, that's why I firmly believe that flirting is cheating.
What do you think? Is flirting cheating? Agree or disagree??
Wherever you land on this topic, keep a few key things in mind.
The bottom line is that if you respect your partner and value your relationship - even if you don’t feel like your flirting is cheating - you need to be careful about how you communicate and the signals you send.
If you’re not, you may just end up jeopardizing something important.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published April 16, 2013, updated on April 2, 2019 and again for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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I've been married for 17 yrs, together for 24+. Last year my wife had a flirtatious, innuendo laden, and sometimes sexual explicit texting relationship with a man she had met at a local beekeeping class. For about two months they exchanged text messages, with flirting, banter, and in some cases pushback from my wife to keep it at a certain level (or so she says). It started out as a professional mentor/mentee relationship about beekeeping. It quickly escalated when the mentor sent my wife a sexually explicit message which she admits didn't quite tell him to pound sand. The subsequent text exchanges were professional until he complimented her and that's when it started the back and forth flirting. It was a gradual build up between the two of them, with my wife stating that she felt flattered by his compliments, enjoyed the playful back and forth, and equally enjoyed the control of keeping his comments to a "PG-13" level. She claims they did not have any physical contact throughout their two month ordeal however, the knowledge of just the flirting is extremely painful. According to her, she kept it secret because of how I would have reacted to the whole situation. I fully admit, I'm a loud person and the response would have most likely been over the top. We're working on our relationship and trying to recover from ensuing crisis. We've learned a lot about each other over the past three months, some of which I was completely in the dark about. She claims the entire relationship was merely to boost her self-esteem and was attracted to the control she had with the conversation but that she had zero intention of ever taking it any further than text messaging. While she never officially ended it with a no-contact message, the both of them eventually went their separate ways. My wife basically stopped flirting with this guy because she knew it was wrong, she got the picture when he wouldn't respond to her inquiries about beekeeping and eventually decided to walk away. Fast forward 9 or so months, and I inquired about her mentor in a conversation about the bees. I asked where her mentor had been, that's when she started to explain the inappropriate relationship. It took about 3-4 days for her to start telling the whole truth. I still question if she's still told me everything or if there's more to it. Its a struggle, but flirting is not harmless in any way when you were in (what you think is) a committed relationship. I struggle everyday with the pain that surrounds this, and question who I've been married to all these years. She swears up and down that this is an isolated incident and has been faithful before and since this occurred last year. I specialize in computer security and forensics, and was able to recover some of the text exchanges that match what she's been explaining however I was not able to recover all of them however, I still feel that I'm being duped into believing a fabricated story. I feel helpless, and confused and also somewhat guilty about what to do next. Repair what's left or move onto greener pastures.
I totally hear you Jay. It's been 4 years since my husband flirted and texted with another woman. Their texting lasting about 6 months in 2015 with my husband starting about 95%. The only mystery to me is what actually was stated in those texts. I asked around to private investigators, lawyers to try to regain the text messages and I was told it's most likely not possible or is expensive to do so. You mention you were able to retrieve some texting (wanna share how you did it? 🙂 ) We are still together but the incident will never leave me and I feel my marriage will never be the same. I have proof in hearing him speak to close friends that he would be with her in another lifetime. I challenged him saying I heard what he said and he knows for the last 3 years he can leave if he feels he needs to.
Jay, You should in some way recup'your losses, by showing your wife she's lost you. If she does not feel a dramatic loss, she will not give any serious consideration to her destructive actions. Deceit is insidious. She needs to sense a loss, a withdrawal of the comfort she obviously felt safe in and which gave her cover to betray you. You need to show comfort and love for yourself and not depend on love from your wife. This she will feel and be forced to acknowledge her poor choices. I asked my ex-husband to explain the conversation I had with a prostitute on his phone and he claimed he didn't know her. I cancelled our honeymoon trip he went alone and his belongings were in storage by the time he returned. This was painful after a profitable (homes in Europe, etc) 10-year relationship but one day, I looked around at all the wonderful things in my life that defined me and realized my real value. I was ecstatic and knew I'd dodged a bullet of more distrust and tearful sleepless nights. Take care of yourself, until you can trust your heart with your wife again. Best of luck
I have girls come up to me and tell me that I flirting with them I am married I don't wish to flirt with others is there some tips someone has to help me watch what I am saying
Yes it is. Because you are practically giving a part of yourself to someone else, while you should giving all of you to your partner. Giving sexual energy to someone else then your partner is cheating all around... I can say this from a standpoint of a single 26old women. Men flirt with me all the time. It's ok when they just find you pretty and then are polite or something. Makes you feel good as a woman and somehow it is how it should be. But there are men who really cross boundaries and they really give you attention and they make you feel special. For example guy starts smiling at you flirty everytime he sees you, looks for the eye contact, starts cinversations with you, checks if your single, you can really see that you are making him feel somehow. Then gives you compliments and you are starting to think how special you are and start asking yourself why he still didn't ask you out. And the truth is he has a girlfriend. This happens rarely but yes, some men do it. I mean come on, when will people just drop the bullshit? The truth is simple - he is not fully in his relationship, he hides and lies about having a girlfriend which is a huge partner betrayl, and on top of everything he is just...confused man... flirting that crosses boundaries is both cheating and playing with "other women's" feelings. And the same goes for flirty women. I sometimes really think that people with commitment issues are trying to make themselves clean and convice others that some behaviors are good just because they do it and that makes them feel good. Oh just snap out of it 😆
It's absolutely cheating. My boyfriend talked to a married woman for a week behind my back. They told eachother things that were wrong in their current relationship, sent pictures to eachother and he shared my flaws that I'm working on. He says it wasnt cheating but I couldn't disagree more. It hurt almost as much h as if he would have just slept with her. I chose to stay but I'm having a hard time trusting him
Is going along with a coworkers flirtatious joke directed at someone else considered flirting