Want to know how Cheaters Feel About Cheating? Learn from a counselor who works with men who Cheated.
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There’s a lot of debate (and very strong feelings) about whether flirting is cheating or just harmless interaction.
Many think if there’s no physical contact it’s not actually cheating.
I whole-heartedly disagree. Flirting is indeed a form of cheating. Below is a transcript of a video I posted on YouTube on the topic.
Check it out and see what you think.
Hey there, it's Kurt Smith. You know a few days ago on my Google Plus profile I posted about flirting, and I said that flirting is cheating.
Here's a little bit of what I wrote: Flirting is fine if you're not in any kind of relationship, the same goes for the person you're flirting with, but if you're married, or in a serious relationship, flirting with someone else is wrong.
Well, that got a lot of response. Some people agreed with me and quite a few people disagreed with me, some strongly both ways.
So, is flirting cheating? What do you think?
Before we talk about it any further, let's be clear on some key definitions.
We’ll start with flirting. What is flirting actually?
Webster's Dictionary defines flirting as to behave amorously, which means with a sexual love, without serious intent. I would add to that having a relationship with another person that involves sexual chemistry.
In order to illustrate this further and bring into a relatable light, let's look at a couple of comments to get an idea of how other people define flirting.
Flirting is generally seen as behaving in 'suggestively sexy' ways with other people, and is generally the first step towards developing romance, as this is what singles usually do to signal interest in others."
I would agree.
Flirting is done to arouse sexual interest in another person. If it is a simple admiration without sexual connotation, then it is not flirting."
I would agree with that as well.
We all know what flirting is and how it feels. I don't think we need to debate that.
We could argue about the intentions behind flirting and whether or not they make a difference, but that's not the point.
The point is that we know when there is sexual chemistry -- we know when we are flirting.
Let's move on and clarify another definition – cheating.
How would we define cheating?
I would say that cheating is going out of the relationship to meet any needs that are supposed to be met in the relationship by your partner.
Nearly all of us would agree that having sex with somebody else when you're in a relationship is cheating. But cheating doesn't just happen around sex. It can take many other forms.
Let’s look another comment from a reader for illustration. This comes from Greta Piperkoska.
I'm gonna imagine myself as married. Me and my husband go into a restaurant. Some man closer to the door than my husband opens it for me. I throw him a sexy smile, because I'm a woman. Cheating? Haha."
Well, Greta, I would say yes, that may have not been your intent, but you did cross a line with the "sexy smile." Smiling is perfectly fine, but the fact that you know you’re giving a “sexy” smile is what creates the problem.
You've now crossed into the cheating waters. It may not have been your intent, but that's what's happened.
So, here's what I meant, and here's how I would explain why I believe flirting is cheating.
Flirting is cheating because it's breaking a boundary within a committed relationship.
Flirting with someone when we're in a relationship is unloving and it's disrespectful to our partner. That may not be our intention, but it's a result of flirting.
So how are we supposed to act?
Here's a question from Samantha H.,
So, because I'm married, I can't smile and say thank you to a man who holds the door open for me?"
Not cheating doesn’t mean you can't be friendly, nice, or engage with the opposite sex. There's just no flirting with anyone but our significant other.
So that sexy smile that Greta threw that man - not okay.
Samantha if you’re just smiling, you're fine.
As I was recording this video I considered the many couples I’ve counseled who’ve struggled with this topic.
The truth is that you don’t have to sleep with someone, or even kiss them, in order to cheat.
Emotional affairs can be just as damaging, if not more so, than physical ones.
And it doesn’t even have to go that far to fall into the category of cheating.
Micro-cheating is something that can happen easily and undermine a relationship. The danger here is that although both partners may sense something’s wrong about the behavior, micro-cheating can be hard to pin down and easily explained away.
Flirting falls into this category also.
Take Greta’s behavior above. A smile is fine, but a "sexy smile" is suggestive and effectively says,
I could be interested in you romantically and sexually and I’m not thinking about the impact on my partner.”
It can be challenging to recognize if you’re crossing the line.
You have to really think about the motivation for your behavior. Are you smiling as a friendly gesture or a suggestive one? This is a very blurry line.
Some people flirt without even realizing that’s what they’re doing. Others, like Greta, do and she justified it in her comment, “...because I’m a woman.” In her mind this is how she is supposed to behave, and she doesn’t see anything wrong with it.
It’s very likely, however, that her partner would disagree.
I would suggest that if you’re unsure of whether or not your behavior is crossing the line consider two things:
The answers to these questions can give you an idea if you’ve crossed the line from friendly to flirty and if it’s damaging to your relationship.
However, just because neither you or your partner are bothered or see a problem doesn’t mean it’s not there. So, another question to ask is:
Let me be clear. You can and should be responsive and polite when someone is courteous and friendly toward you. Smiling and a “thank you” is perfectly appropriate – when that’s all it is.
Unfortunately, there can be a lot of sexual innuendo when it comes to the way a smile and a “thank you” are offered. Being aware of the unspoken message you could be delivering when you speak is crucial to balancing polite behavior toward others with respectful behavior toward your partner.
If you're giving attention and energy to somebody else that should be reserved exclusively for your partners there’s a problem.
I wrapped up the video with the following:
So, yes, flirting is cheating.
What evidence is there to support this statement? All you got to do is look at our culture, and how many failed and broken relationships exist.
I work with people every day as a counselor, men and women, and I hear from hundreds and thousands everyday online, who are struggling in broken and failed relationships because they didn't respect boundaries in the relationship.
Many people want to believe flirting is innocent.
It’s exciting, fun, and for a brief moment can allow us to feel the heat of a new connection. But that’s the problem.
What flirting gives us – even if you don’t want to admit it – is an idea and taste of something that’s outside our committed relationship.
So, that's why I firmly believe that flirting is cheating.
What do you think? Is flirting cheating? Agree or disagree??
Wherever you land on this topic, keep a few key things in mind.
The bottom line is that if you respect your partner and value your relationship - even if you don’t feel like your flirting is cheating - you need to be careful about how you communicate and the signals you send.
If you’re not, you may just end up jeopardizing something important.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published April 16, 2013, updated on April 2, 2019 and again for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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I noticed a distance between my husband and I. I betrayed his trust by looking through his phone while he was sleeping. I did tell him I did that. He was texting, on a regular basis, a married girl from work. She is in his phone by her last name. They had been texting regularly for a few months. There have also been a few phone calls. Lots of flirty emojis. She would send a picture of how she thinks she didn’t look good and he said she looked gorgeous. A majority of the texts was just regular conversation. One day he was mad at her and said he really wished she gave a f***. She said, he holds grudges and they are both dealing with a lot of sh** and she didn’t enter into this with bad intentions. He claims to have forgotten why this was written. My husband will visits friends after work. He was making little time for me. I confronted him and he said I was blowing something out of proportion. Nothing happened. He would tell her not to call or text. I’m making it awkward at work for him. He refuses to see this was an inappropriate relationship. He has been making more time for me but won’t admit he did anything wrong. Now I’m stuck thinking the next time he does something like this he will be sneakier. Any advice?
Hy husband doesn't outright flirt with other women anymore (he comes off as flirting to other people, but i know there isn't a sexual drive behind it).
But he still continues behaviour with other women that i consider to be intimately inappropriate. Ex: Giving female friends really long hugs.... Giving a young woman a long kiss on the forehead with a hug because she was nervous about something - he claims his intention behind it is to comfort her like a father would. Or constantly poking at & teasing someone like a little boy with a crush would do on a playground - which he claims is just in jest to make them laugh. Am i just oversensitive here or am i right in resenting this behaviour as intimately inappropriate?
Thank you for replying. I'm not sure where to go from here because our current councillor just keeps telling me to stop trying to change him and my husband...
Hi Jean, Your concerns sound legitimate. His behavior sounds very much like that of some well known men in politics and media/entertainment who've had similar actions and used the same justifications. Being open to the idea that you both are likely overly sensitive to the topic is important for effective dialogue. -Dr. Kurt
Hello, my husband and I seem to have the same argument over and over,he is a very friendly,fairly attractive guy who loves to socialize.Some women seem to take his friendliness the wrong way and think he's flirting.I do believe he has good intentions and most of the time isn't really flirting but it bothers me that he doesn't discourage women from flirting with him.An example is we attended his HS reunion last weekend. Several of his female classmates have told me over the years how they adored my husband in HS.They all flirt with him even in front of me.At this last reunion one of his female classmates approached me and told me she was in love with him in HS and was so flattered that he personally called her to make sure she had heard about the last reunion.I told him what she said and that it bothered me.She kept eyeing him the whole night and when we said goodbye he hugged everyone including her.She whispered in his ear and held his face in a flirty way(she was drunk too).He thought nothing of it and acted like I shouldn't be upset.I just wish he would respect me and maybe just have thrown her a goodbye wave.
Hi Kristina, I can understand your discomfort, your husband may not though. The attention he's receiving likely feels flattering and makes him good about himself. And, since he doesn't seem to be acting on it, he considers it innocent. Unfortunately, these types of interactions can cause damage to a relationship over time. Although you have mentioned that these things make you uncomfortable, it may be time to have a longer, more serious conversation with your husband about how you feel. Mutual respect is one of the cornerstones of a healthy relationship and that includes resisting flirty conversations and situations. You may want to refer to our website for additional information and insight. -Dr. Kurt