Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
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Viewing porn is a problem for many men, which means it’s a problem for many couples as well. In my counseling practice I work routinely with couples whose relationships are suffering not only because of porn, but the lies and broken trust that accompanies it.
One of the biggest problems with porn is the trust that gets shattered when husbands promise their wives they’ll stop, only to break that promise again and again.
Many wives that I counsel wonder how they can ever trust their husbands again after he’s lied about porn repeatedly. It’s a valid concern.
Overcoming broken trust in a relationship can feel impossible.
The constant suspicion and feeling like he’s not being honest about what he’s doing is emotionally draining.
That’s one of the reasons why questions about rebuilding trust are sent to us every day.
These are examples of questions we routinely get asked.
Let’s first recognize that since we're all human, we're all going to make mistakes.
This along with the idealized image we create of our partners at the beginning of a relationship, makes it no surprise that our expectations will be shattered at some point, and we’ll feel disappointed and let down.
And a very common idealization is the naïve belief that other men watch porn, “but not my husband.”
Breaking trust intentionally and repeatedly, however, by not honoring promises (as happens with porn) or engaging in hurtful behavior is completely different from broken expectations.
Trust is one of the cornerstones of a relationship.
Without trust, relationships fail. Repeatedly breaking our partner’s trust demonstrates a lack of love, respect, and maturity.
When we truly love and respect our partner, we’ll find a way to change our behavior. Or at least be honest about needing to change, even if we don’t know how to do it.
When we disregard the hurt we’re causing our partners by not changing, or by being dishonest about change, it’s like telling them - “You don’t matter.”
Men who watch porn will say that’s not true.
They’ll say they love their wives and would do anything for them. But that’s not how their wives feel.
Porn can make a woman feel -
And the fact that her husband seems to value porn more than keeping his promise can make her feel porn is more important to him than she is.
However, the addictive power of porn shouldn’t be underestimated. Until it’s broken, the cycle of addiction will lead him back to what he uses for escape - even if it’s unhealthy and at the expense of the wife he loves.
It typically takes professional help for them to have the tools and ability to be stronger than the addiction.
Below you’ll see a submission I received from a wife struggling to rebuild trust with her husband.
She's asking the question, "How can I trust my husband again after he lied about porn?"
Let's apply that idea of loving and respecting our partner by changing our behavior to Evelyn's relationship and question. Here's her story:
My husband has been watching porn for all of our married life together. We have been together for over 40 years, and I've tried to embrace it but I don't need it, and when it comes to the bedroom we have no inhibitions. So we have been having many problems with the advent of the "World Wide Web". He's totally a brain on computers and cellys. I have grave concerns with him having these kinds of electronics with his track record. All down through the years, he always promised never to do it again whenever he would get caught. These last 5 years have been the hardest, with the whole world on FACEBOOK, he had over 1800 friends, 3/4's of them were Asian girls. I also found it too easy to flirt, so we have went rounds with deactivating our Facebook accounts, over and over. How can I trust my husband after he's lied about porn so many times???" -Evelyn
Evelyn's question about trusting her husband after he lied about porn again, is pretty common, especially when it comes to looking at porn.
Many people believe that once trust is broken it cannot be rebuilt. This is not true.
It's hard and takes work to rebuild trust, but it can be done. I teach couples how to rebuild trust every day.
Evelyn's made a common mistake by focusing on the wrong thing regarding her husband's behavior change. She’s focusing on what her husband says rather than on what he does.
Almost every guy promises never to look at porn again when they get caught. But just like Evelyn's husband, few of them do anything about changing themselves so they're able keep their promise.
Porn is a drug, and for many men (and some women), they become addicted to porn, just like a drug.
So, changing a porn watching habit is not as easy as just saying,
I won't do it again."
I've been counseling a man recently who’s watched porn for years. Through our counseling we've been able to stop his looking at porn, but he still fantasizes about women (not his wife) and masturbates daily.
Despite this man's change, his wife still asks the same question as Evelyn, “How can I trust my husband again after he’s lied to me about porn so many times?”
What I tell her is the fact that he’s been coming to counseling every other week for a year and a half back up his words and demonstrate that he’s trying to change his behavior.
For Evelyn to be smart about trusting her husband again after he’s lied to her about porn repeatedly, she needs to see action from him too.
She must make a choice to trust his words. It may be difficult, but that choice is made easier when his words are backed up by his actions - like going to therapy and changing his behavior.
Trust is fragile. It takes time to build, but can be shattered quickly.
An addiction of any kind will likely break trust within a relationship, and that broken trust is compounded as one partner makes promises to change that aren’t easily kept.
When it comes to broken trust and porn, keep the following things in mind:
If your husband is taking concrete steps, like getting help, then I would recommend being patient.
It will take time for him to change, and it will take time for you to trust him again.
The key ingredients for change are – effort, time, and patience. These are also necessary for you to be able to trust him again after he’s lied about porn.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published March 29, 2014, updated on September 24, 2019, and has been updated again for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
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i just want someone to tell me im not.crazy. i keep finding porn in his cloud storage it looks like he is trying to delete it immediately but unsuccessfully. He denies it and blames it on illegal music downloads . Is it possible? Or has he been lying for years I just keep finding it. He must be viewing it right?
Help, Your husband could be addicted to porn and not even know it. Like any addiction, however, he will have to want to get help for it himself. See the other articles in the Porn Addiction section for more information. - Dr. Kurt
Dear Help, If you keep finding porn on your husband's computer, and from somewhere deep in your heart, you are asking the question, "is he or isn't he viewing porn", I think you already know what the answer is. And, if he is indeed a porn addict, then he will lie about it, because that's what addicts do. They lie! And sadly, you can't help him, unless he wants to help himself...then you can provide support. But...it's entirely up to him whether he wants to come clean or not.
Well that's just heartbreaking. I found it on his phone quite a few times over the last 2 years buried quite deep he said that was from illegal music downloads and this time he thought he had been hacked and swore on everything he loved that he never had looked at another female that way that it was me and only me who made me him feel anything . He deleted accounts took steps towards getting rid of this so called hacker . He swears it wasn't him. I don't know what to believe but it would appear the proof is right in front of my face but he says it just kills him that I am doubting and distrusting him. I truly don't know what to do I tell him I believe him and trust him but the truth is that I can't I saw it with my own eyes and the lying is an even bigger red flag
I tried to post a comment however it did not show up hopefully I'm not duplicating my response. The 6 or 7 times I have found it buried very deep in his phone the last time on the tablet after he returned home after working away. He used the hacking line and deleted all his Google accounts and created new ones. He swears he would never look at another woman like that that's it me and only me that he loves me and it kills him that I don't believe him. How could I after finding it so many times? Over a 2 year span.he knows how I feel about it but what really just rips me apart is the lies. I don't know whether to believe him or not the first few times he claimed his downloading music illegally put bad stuff on his phone this time he just claimed he really had no idea how it got there he must have been hacked. It doesn't add up no one would hack you to put porn in your Google drive history I just wish there was a way to tell if what he claims could be truth when every bone in my body says here's the evidence
Dear Help, If your husband is indeed a porn addict (and it certainly sounds as though he is), he knows that he's been caught...and he is running scared...from you. He will now make every effort to cover his tracks...deleting everything and lying to you. And now, you may have to be patient, until he trips up again. Unfortunately, it is now...that your husband will go to further extremes to hide the addiction from you. My husband was able to hide the addiction from me for several more years. He stopped viewing porn on home devices, such as computer and phone, and began viewing at work only. I was devastated. I always thought work was a safe place for him to be. I never imagined that he would risk his job to view porn. But, that is what the addiction does to you, and men throw all caution to the wind...as all their morals and principles go down the drain. Other women have purchased apps or devices, in order to catch their husbands. I'm older and had no clue how to do such things...so I had to bide my time and be patient. I could have just left him...but I didn't. I sat tight and was patient until the addiction again reared its ugly head for me to see. You may need to do that too.
I've caught my husband watching porn several times. My sister moved in with us. And I caught him watching sister-in-law porn. Does that mean he wants to have sex with my sister? Or that he's fantasizing about it ?
Traci, Not necessarily. Porn causes viewers to develop sexual interests they would never otherwise have as well as heightens their sex drive. With the endless fantasy themes available with porn it's easy to get interested in something like this topic, but not have it be something you'd act on in real life. Nevertheless, it wouldn't be a bad idea to keep an eye out for any odd behavior. -Dr. Kurt
Hi Traci, I have gone thru just about everything, regarding porn, with my husband. In my opinion, if your husband is watching sister-in-law porn, it is very likely that he is fantasizing about your sister. However, it does not mean that he actually wants to sleep with your sister. When my husband came clean with me, he told me all about his fantasies, which involved many women (even teen girls), who were close to us. However, he told me that actually acting on a fantasy was a whole different ball game, and not something that he ever planned on actually doing. I do believe him. For my husband, it was all about the fantasy, not the actual doing. Once, in my angry days, I told him, "You don't have to physically cheat on me because...You are the Master of Fantasy Cheating." And, that he was! I too, would keep an eye out for signs of anything more. But, if he is anything like my once porn-addicted husband..it may be all about the fantasy, and nothing more. But, of course, it all hurts; it always does, and always will. And, we will always wonder, "Why can't I be enough for my husband?" So, why can't we be enough for our husbands? I'll never know the answer to that.
Hi Kurt. Thanks for all your help. I always find myself reading on these sights trying to figure things out. Mine says he's gonna stop every time he gets caught, which he rarely gets caught anymore because he gets pissed if I ask to see his phone so I just quit asking and don't look through it no more. So he thinks that proves there's nothing going on. He also has wondering eyes towards women's bodies when outside but denies what I see with my own eyes and get all super angry if I try to point it out. He says I'm crazy and that's where my mind is at and that why I think like that.