Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
5 Min Read
Contents
Viewing porn is a problem for many men, which means it’s a problem for many couples as well. In my counseling practice I work routinely with couples whose relationships are suffering not only because of porn, but the lies and broken trust that accompanies it.
One of the biggest problems with porn is the trust that gets shattered when husbands promise their wives they’ll stop, only to break that promise again and again.
Many wives that I counsel wonder how they can ever trust their husbands again after he’s lied about porn repeatedly. It’s a valid concern.
Overcoming broken trust in a relationship can feel impossible.
The constant suspicion and feeling like he’s not being honest about what he’s doing is emotionally draining.
That’s one of the reasons why questions about rebuilding trust are sent to us every day.
These are examples of questions we routinely get asked.
Let’s first recognize that since we're all human, we're all going to make mistakes.
This along with the idealized image we create of our partners at the beginning of a relationship, makes it no surprise that our expectations will be shattered at some point, and we’ll feel disappointed and let down.
And a very common idealization is the naïve belief that other men watch porn, “but not my husband.”
Breaking trust intentionally and repeatedly, however, by not honoring promises (as happens with porn) or engaging in hurtful behavior is completely different from broken expectations.
Trust is one of the cornerstones of a relationship.
Without trust, relationships fail. Repeatedly breaking our partner’s trust demonstrates a lack of love, respect, and maturity.
When we truly love and respect our partner, we’ll find a way to change our behavior. Or at least be honest about needing to change, even if we don’t know how to do it.
When we disregard the hurt we’re causing our partners by not changing, or by being dishonest about change, it’s like telling them - “You don’t matter.”
Men who watch porn will say that’s not true.
They’ll say they love their wives and would do anything for them. But that’s not how their wives feel.
Porn can make a woman feel -
And the fact that her husband seems to value porn more than keeping his promise can make her feel porn is more important to him than she is.
However, the addictive power of porn shouldn’t be underestimated. Until it’s broken, the cycle of addiction will lead him back to what he uses for escape - even if it’s unhealthy and at the expense of the wife he loves.
It typically takes professional help for them to have the tools and ability to be stronger than the addiction.
Below you’ll see a submission I received from a wife struggling to rebuild trust with her husband.
She's asking the question, "How can I trust my husband again after he lied about porn?"
Let's apply that idea of loving and respecting our partner by changing our behavior to Evelyn's relationship and question. Here's her story:
My husband has been watching porn for all of our married life together. We have been together for over 40 years, and I've tried to embrace it but I don't need it, and when it comes to the bedroom we have no inhibitions. So we have been having many problems with the advent of the "World Wide Web". He's totally a brain on computers and cellys. I have grave concerns with him having these kinds of electronics with his track record. All down through the years, he always promised never to do it again whenever he would get caught. These last 5 years have been the hardest, with the whole world on FACEBOOK, he had over 1800 friends, 3/4's of them were Asian girls. I also found it too easy to flirt, so we have went rounds with deactivating our Facebook accounts, over and over. How can I trust my husband after he's lied about porn so many times???" -Evelyn
Evelyn's question about trusting her husband after he lied about porn again, is pretty common, especially when it comes to looking at porn.
Many people believe that once trust is broken it cannot be rebuilt. This is not true.
It's hard and takes work to rebuild trust, but it can be done. I teach couples how to rebuild trust every day.
Evelyn's made a common mistake by focusing on the wrong thing regarding her husband's behavior change. She’s focusing on what her husband says rather than on what he does.
Almost every guy promises never to look at porn again when they get caught. But just like Evelyn's husband, few of them do anything about changing themselves so they're able keep their promise.
Porn is a drug, and for many men (and some women), they become addicted to porn, just like a drug.
So, changing a porn watching habit is not as easy as just saying,
I won't do it again."
I've been counseling a man recently who’s watched porn for years. Through our counseling we've been able to stop his looking at porn, but he still fantasizes about women (not his wife) and masturbates daily.
Despite this man's change, his wife still asks the same question as Evelyn, “How can I trust my husband again after he’s lied to me about porn so many times?”
What I tell her is the fact that he’s been coming to counseling every other week for a year and a half back up his words and demonstrate that he’s trying to change his behavior.
For Evelyn to be smart about trusting her husband again after he’s lied to her about porn repeatedly, she needs to see action from him too.
She must make a choice to trust his words. It may be difficult, but that choice is made easier when his words are backed up by his actions - like going to therapy and changing his behavior.
Trust is fragile. It takes time to build, but can be shattered quickly.
An addiction of any kind will likely break trust within a relationship, and that broken trust is compounded as one partner makes promises to change that aren’t easily kept.
When it comes to broken trust and porn, keep the following things in mind:
If your husband is taking concrete steps, like getting help, then I would recommend being patient.
It will take time for him to change, and it will take time for you to trust him again.
The key ingredients for change are – effort, time, and patience. These are also necessary for you to be able to trust him again after he’s lied about porn.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published March 29, 2014, updated on September 24, 2019, and has been updated again for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
Wondering if Porn Is Cheating? Find out what psychology experts say about whether Porn Is Cheating.
Breaking a porn addiction isn’t easy. Learn how to handle relapses here.
© 2026 Guy Stuff Counseling & Coaching, APC, All Rights Reserved.
Privacy Policy | Sitemap | Do Not Sell or Share My Information
Featured logos are trademarks of their respective owners.
Hi Kurt. Thanks for all your help. I always find myself reading on these sights trying to figure things out. Mine says he's gonna stop every time he gets caught, which he rarely gets caught anymore because he gets pissed if I ask to see his phone so I just quit asking and don't look through it no more. So he thinks that proves there's nothing going on. He also has wondering eyes towards women's bodies when outside but denies what I see with my own eyes and get all super angry if I try to point it out. He says I'm crazy and that's where my mind is at and that why I think like that.I can't share my feelings with him because all it does is make him mad and he believes his own lies. So I just stay quiet now but I've been through something like this before. Always feeling miserable ,sad, depressed, worried. And worried down the line he will end up cheating if he hasn't already. He is determined to become a truck driver in the next couple of months which I don't think is a good idea because he will be gone a lot and there is all types of prostitutes lurking at every truck stop, believe me I know. But I can't say nothing so I'm not but I don't plan on living unhappy. I already moved out and we live separate for about 10 months now, but I don't see no change. I believe if there was really a change I would notice
Hello all.
I'm going through similar right now, for two years hes lied to me about watching porn, ive found it on his phone and on the laptop, he deletes it from the history but dosent know im clever enough to look i the cookies, and there it is everytime, the latest was on twitter, he like a slutty group and started to follow them, liking all the pictures that had links to porn sites, this is ruining my relationship, i showed him all the proof i had but still denied it.. wtf..its there in black and white, its the lies i cant bear and i tld him you have no respect for me at all, because if you did you wouldnt lie to me, this relationship is now balancing on the edge, i cant bear him near him, i feel its reaching the end of its life to be honest... how can he get help when hes in constant denial?
Michelle, He won't get help or change if he denies there's a problem - sorry. Maybe losing the relationship will help him see and admit that it is a problem. -Dr. Kurt
The lies are the absolute worst. Ultimately I find the porn to be quite sad, for lonely little boys looking at what they can't get. Its sad. But the lies are next level....its so hurtful that they think they can have it all....treat women so badly.
I'm due to marry my fiancé in 6 months time. I came home from work to find him naked hiding near the wardrobe, my mind was suspicious because of previous things and then I saw a porn website on his iPad. It was the third time I caught him (we've been together 5 years).I'm deeply hurt and betrayed. I've been going through a tough time at work and admit I am snappy and we go weeks without sex. I feel like he doesn't make much effort to have sex with me, but he says it's like I'm repulsed by him. I'm not, I'm just not in a very good place right now. I never deny him sex. But he doesn't make effort either, there's no romance there, when we have sex it's good, but I've been having medical problems and lately it makes me bleed. I found porn videos in the internet history of my laptop about six months ago. He told me he was bored whilst I was at work (he couldn't legally work then, he can now). It was a lie and he does it regularly. The first time I caught him (I didn't realise he was watching porn) was a few years on Valentine's Day, of all days! I'd had a gynaecological procedure and couldn't have sex for 6 weeks. I'd offered him BJs etc in talking and told him we could do other stuff. He didn't even seem interested so we never and I catch him doing it whilst I'm in the house.
I'm half the world away from my friends and family. I feel so alone, I just want to jump on a plane and go home. I've put up with so much stuff at my work to desperately save up the money for the wedding. I'm so upset and don't know what to do. It's a destination wedding and so about 20 people have already paid for flights etc. I don't think I can be with him anymore but I don't know if I have the strength to quit everything and get on that flight.
I feel out relationship has been doomed from the beginning- we had an affair, I split with my husband because I knew it was awful, eventually about a month after he split with his girlfriend (she instigated it as she didn't trust him). Then she wanted to get back with him and harassed him for 9 months. He lied to me and told me he was telling her to stop, but 18 months ago I found out he was messaging her back - like conversations. From it I don't believe he actually saw her again,bit I feel like our relationship is one big lie. I know it's my karma come back to get me for what I did. I just know if I can continue the relationship, I love him but is it ever going to get better. Will it just be the same, don't most men watch porn? I'm scared it'll progress to talking to women online etc that's if it hadn't already he's got very clever with private browsing.
This sounds like a complicated situation. Porn issues and trust issues can be very tricky. These are topics that really are best handled with professional counseling. - Dr. Kurt
I'm at wits end. We have been married 49 years. All throughout our marriage I wanted sex more then him, which even makes less sense.
The last 20 years since porn is so available I found him sneakin it. I went nuts, almost hyper ventilating because I don't get it. For the past couple years I wrap my self in my work and try to avoid having sex with him. I feel used and every time I confront him, as they all say, he says I'm sorry, that it has nothing to do with me. "BS". I feel the porn has reduced his ability to get hard or keep it, and quite frankly it has become too much hard work for me that I'd just be as happy not having sex with him any more. There is no love or emition, it is just sex. I want feelings! I've come to the point where zid rater just take care of myself....quicker and j u st as much satisfaction. I can't believe after years I want to throw the towel in. Now I think he is also doing it on his phone.....how do I find out? Like most women I just need to relate to others because he tries to make it my problem.
Patti,
I have been married 33 years and have caught my husband looking at porn for years. I am done. I have no feelings left. Even if we went to counseling, a counselor cant make me love him. He is the father to our wonderful children but thats it. I am 52 and I dont know what to do. I dont want the rest of my life to be miserable under the same roof. I feel your pain. PORN KILLS LOVE!
I was listening to Dr Laura about this very topic. At our age, we can't find another man and will be all alone. And if we do find another man...chances are he is addicted to porn as well. Dr Laura said to basically deal with it...get hobbies, join groups, get your OWN outside interests and live your life. He is never going to change and doesn't want to anyways...if you really want to be alone in your later years and have holidays disrupted and all that comes with that...I'm in the same boat...I just do my thing..I don't cook for him, clean for him, or anything for him other than the bare necessities. Its nice tho if something breaks in the house..he's fix it...and its nice to have a man around for protection or if you need to go to the hospital...but its not going to get better. I finally had enough...and I feel better about it...also start working out...its works wonders
Patti, I’m with you. He says why can’t you just forgive me and we get on with our lives. When I try to have sex with him he can’t stay hard, can’t organism unless he masturbates, then says quick put it in, he’s so curved I can hardly get it in, so he thinks okay I came in you now you should be satisfied.