Are you thinking - I Hate My Wife, I Hate My Life? Find out how many other guys feel the same way and what to do When You Hate Your Wife and Your Life.
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When you’ve come to the realization that there’s a problem in your relationship and begin to wonder why your husband isn’t affectionate anymore, it may seem like it happened all of a sudden. However, most likely that the affection has been disappearing slowly for quite a while.
Relationships rarely change overnight - they change slowly over time.
This slow change can make it very hard to see it happening. Physical intimacy like daily kisses turns into every few days, hugs happen only when forced, and sex becomes less and less regular. Most of the time wives don't notice their husband isn't affectionate anymore until the caring is really, really gone.
Sometimes we have a sense that things aren't quite right, but with the busyness of life we often don't pause long enough to really think about it.
There's also a part of us that doesn't really want to know or face the painful reality that the affection from our partner is gone. After all, if it's true, what does that mean for the future of our relationship?
Despite how hard and painful it can be, at some point we have to take a hard look at things and acknowledge something’s different.
Sadly this reflection is often forced on us by a traumatic event, such as discovering text messages to another woman on his phone, or porn sites on his laptop, or that he's hiding getting drunk (all real-life examples of problems from my marriage counseling). Only then do we start to recognize we don't have sex as frequently as we used to, or he never touches you anymore, or you can't remember the last time he said anything nice about you.
Here's a letter from a wife who's starting to become aware of the changes in the affection she gets from her husband:
I'm so confused... my husband isn't affectionate towards me anymore... he cares for me like he cares for his family, but does not love me... He is always happy when he goes out with his friends, but when he goes out with me he always says ‘lets go home,’ ‘I'm tired’ or keeps watching the time and I never see a single genuine smile at me. At night, he always wakes up for his friends or for his work for ungodly hours, but when he is free he always sleeps late. He doesn’t want to just sit and talk to me, or cuddle with me and sleep together. Our sex life is also nonexistent. Why isn't my husband affectionate? I don't know whether its true or not, but I think he doesn’t love me. I don't know what I did wrong. How can I make it right because I want this marriage to work? I love him and I cant live without him" –Therese
There can be many reasons why Therese's husband isn't affectionate anymore, and not all of them are bad or are solely about him. Relationships naturally move through stages. Moving out of the honeymoon stage when our partner and intimacy is all we can think about happens to everyone and is normal and okay.
Children and family can also be a big factor.
When we have kids, the affection lessens as the demands of childcare become consuming. Add to that work and household duties and suddenly time is at a premium, communication suffers, and the priority on affection disappears.
Those work, house, and financial stressors can also emotionally drain us and leave little left to give to our partner in the affection department. It's also easy for any of us to take the relationship and our partner for granted as other things demand our attention.
When a husband isn't affectionate anymore wives have to be careful not to immediately put the fault all on him. It's very possible that they've unintentionally contributed to his loss of interest.
Common explanations I hear from men as to why they're not interested in their partner, even sexually (yet while still liking and wanting to have sex), can be her:
Attraction and physical affection go hand-in-hand, and in order to maintain that affection both partners need to care enough to take care of themselves and their appearance.
It's also possible that he's showing you affection in different ways that you just don't recognize.
If your husband makes a point to,
He may just be expressing affection in new and less direct ways.
A husband’s disinterest in affection may be influenced by other things as well. There can also be some troubling reasons for the loss of affection that men are responsible for too. Among them are:
Or maybe he's not cheating yet, but interest in someone else has caused him to be distracted and stop showing affection for you.
It’s important, however, not to jump to conclusions or hurl accusations that have no proof. If you suspect your husband is cheating, there are signs beyond a lack of affection, and you’ll need to find a way to address your concerns in an effective and productive way.
This is a dangerous pathway for anyone to go down as porn can exacerbate current problems and create many more of its own. If porn enters the picture, there’s also a possibility of him developing a porn addiction.
All of these things can cause men to lose interest in their partners.
The good news if you’ve realized your husband isn't affectionate anymore is that it can be fixed.
Any of the contributing causes described above can be stopped, changed, and the damage repaired. So, if you’re feeling like your husband isn’t being as affectionate as you’d like, keep the following things in mind:
If you've lost the affection from your partner, don't jump to the conclusion that the relationship must be dead. Chances are it’s not and there are some very fixable things that can be done to bring the affection back.
Focusing on understanding why your husband isn’t affectionate anymore and how you can change it can help you not only get the affection back, but also keep it going strong in the future.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published Jan 10, 2015 and updated on January 28, 2020, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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Thank you PK! You took the words right out of my mouth. This article is the most misogynistic piece of bullsh*t I have read so far this century! Of course, blaming it all on the woman! Kurt Smith! Stop giving advice immediately! You have no right to counsel anyone regarding relationships, or anything topic related to gender roles. The 1950's called! They would like their sexist mansplaining back! Get the f*ck out of here with this nonsense!
Hi Andrea, You must have missed the last section: "There can also be some troubling reasons for the loss of affection that men are responsible for too" and then lists 5 common things men do that causes them to be less affectionate. I'm confused about how you read this article as "blaming it all on the woman!" Please read through it again. -Dr. Kurt
Thanks for sharing such a nice article. This information is really useful to understand our relationships.
My husband and I have been married over 30 years. We had a great sex life and he was very romantic. He was diagnosed with diabetes about 10 years ago. It has caused neuropathy which has caused ED. He also had very early stage prostate cancer a couple of years ago. He was treated with radiology treatments and after that, complete ED. Ever since the ED started, he has become completely unromantic: no kissing, no cuddling, no "I love you"; nothing. He often falls asleep in his chair in the living and doesn't come to bed. If he does, he doesn't say anything to me and rolls over and goes to sleep. He came in the bathroom just as I was getting out of the shower the other day and stood there talking while I was standing there naked, not even looking at my body. When I ask him about not being romantic (and I'm not talking about sex), he says that he's tired or not feeling well. But he has enough energy to go to a full-time job which he loves. He's very affectionate with his pet dog. But he never has time or energy for me. I've tried to talk to him about it but he either gets mad, defensive or turns it back on me. I still need love and affection, and this situation is very painful to me. He refuses to go to therapy. He is not mean to me or anything, but he treats me like a neighbor or co-worker. I vacillate between being sad and angry. We only kiss, hug or cuddle if I initiate it and he doesn't show much interest. We only go out and do something if I initiate it. What can I do?
Pat, The loss of affection and connection in a longterm relationship is extremely common. I treat it daily. The causes can vary, so I can't say for sure what the factors are for you and your husband, but you list a number of changes that certainly could be contributors. Sounds like your biggest problem is getting him motivated to see it as a problem and be willing to do something about it. That's very common too. Go to therapy without him and learn how you can better influence him to take you and this seriously. Dr. Kurt
Hello, We have been together for 23 years and married for 14. My husband used to hug me, kiss me, pat me on the butt or smile at me or look at me the way i felt loved. Recently, out of a sudden, he just stopped doing these little things for me. I noticed and i asked him why. He ask me why for these 23 years i didn't do these things for him, why i didn't take care of me- to get in shape, put make up or dress nicely? Why i didn't tell him i am proud of him when he got in shape and looked good and he said he did it for me? He said i am super boring because i can not do anything with him -no tennis, no ski, nothing and he can not expect any surprises from me etc. I told him i will change and try to make things better but he said he doesn't want to change me and why i didn't change all these 23 years but now and he doesn't want to talk about this anymore. So i am not so sure what exactly is the real problem. I am trying to be nice, smile at him, hug and kiss him many times during the day, showing him that i love him. I am telling him that i love him and he replies "Me too, me too" but i am not sure if he is honest or not. He kisses me for good morning, when he leaves for work or good night. We sleep in the same bed and still have sex, but i feel the sex is not the same as before. It's more like just to do it and not like he really enjoys it. We don't argue, we talk to each other nice, asking each other how was the day, asking each other for opinion or advices etc. I am not sure if he still has some feelings to me but he is holding it on purpose not to show it to me or he really doesn't love me anymore. When i try to have a conversation about that, he is saying everything is fine and he avoids talking about that but he continues repeating how i didn't change all these 23 years and i really see pain and disappointment in his eyes. Not sure how i hurt him to that point. I appologized many times and said we can make it work if he doesn't push me away but he said there is nothing to work on. He said there is no other women. I am wondering what is your opinion for his behaviour. DO you think he still has some feelings to me and he is just resisting on purpose to show me something or to hurt me the way i hurt him? He doesnt want to go therapy and avoids doing things together- like couple dancing classes that i offered for example or to play some romantic game etc. How to know what hurt him that much so i can fix it if he doesn't want to discuss it with me?
Alla, I can't say what his reasoning is, but I'd think his sticking around indicates there are some feelings there. It sounds like he has a lot of pain and resentment that are covering over any positive feelings. That can change though with the right kind of effort. Check out the link at the top of this page for the video series I made about Getting the Love Back. It will give you both instruction on what to do. -Dr. Kurt
I checked out this article because I was interested in what I could do or change to make my marriage better. Although you do point the finger at women, that is already implied in the title. Women are doing something to make a man feel and act how he does so why even read if u don't want to understand. Acknowledging something is always the first step in improving it so kudos for that! Dr is trying to help by giving his insight and mostly by being a man. After reading most of these comments the biggest thing I think now is if people talk to their partners like what is written here it's no wonder attention and intimacy fades. Nobody can understand what the other person is saying. Learn some proper grammar n how to articulate If we don't use our language properly and discuss issues positively it's lost n doesn't teach the next generation how to handle anything that happens and to grow n have productive relationships