What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
6 Min Read
Contents
Most women don’t think of men as being shy or nervous in the bedroom. To many of us it seems like men have an envious amount of self-assuredness and confidence when it comes to their sexual abilities (warranted or not).
For some men, however, performance anxiety is a real thing and a problem they have to combat, especially when it comes to a new partner. But whether they hide it well or women just don’t know what to look for, seeing the signs he has performance anxiety can be tough.
Performance anxiety in the bedroom is more common than people (especially women) realize.
It stems from a variety of pressures, mostly self-imposed, and can make a man feel isolated, confused, and inadequate. So, addressing it and alleviating these worries is crucial for healthy intimacy in a relationship.
The roots of performance anxiety are typically concerns about satisfying a partner and maintaining an erection.
Common contributors fueling these worries are,
Left unaddressed, these factors can create a vicious cycle that exacerbates the problem and makes it harder to combat.
Understanding the root of performance anxiety can help a man and his partner better deal with it and address the problem effectively.
The signs of performance anxiety aren’t always obvious, and there’s no ‘type’ of man who experiences it more so than another.
Dr. Kurt has worked with men dealing with performance anxiety. In his experience,
One of the most difficult topics for almost everybody to talk about is sex. And for men in particular how they perform sexually is at the top of the 'Don't Talk About It' list. As a result, performance anxiety rarely gets discussed, even if the signs are glaringly obvious, which often they're not. Regardless of the type of signs of anxiety, sexual performance always has a psychological component, and often a really big one, which makes it very difficult to navigate and address without training. So, don't let the manhood mantra, we 'Don't Talk About It,' get in the way of getting help fixing something that's totally fixable."
There are some subtle signs that can provide clues that performance anxiety may be a problem.
For ease, we’ll break the possible signs of performance anxiety into two categories – emotional/ behavioral signs and physical signs.
Mood swings or unexplained irritability
Worries about being able to perform can lead to irritability or emotional withdrawal.
Most men internalize their stress and anxiety, especially when it comes to something they consider embarrassing or a sign of inadequacy. So, it shouldn’t be a surprise that he’d rather stab himself in the eye with an ice pick than be open about anxiety regarding his sexual performance.
But bottling these worries can cause internal turmoil that manifests as moodiness, irritability, or anger.
Overcompensation
One way to take the focus off of his sexual worries is to overcompensate in other areas.
He may become overly romantic or hyper-focused on his partner’s needs, emotionally or physically. The objective, intentionally or unintentionally, is to minimize his own role during sex.
Avoidance of intimacy
Conversely, a man experiencing performance anxiety may avoid intimacy altogether.
He may create excuses to skip sexual encounters or focus on non-sexual aspects of the relationship. In extreme cases, he may also become combative or accusatory, making his partner feel as though her priorities are skewed and that all she wants is sex, or that she isn’t as emotionally invested in the relationship as he is.
Reliance on porn
Ironically, the use of porn is often the reason for performance anxiety, yet many men feel that it can help them overcome it in the bedroom.
Porn is seen by some as a way to inspire arousal and help them maintain confidence and prowess during sex. Unfortunately, this doesn’t work and will cause a tangle of other problems that can sink a relationship.
Difficulty getting or maintaining an erection
The most easily recognizable sign of performance anxiety in the bedroom is also one of the biggest reasons for anxiety in the first place – erectile dysfunction.
ED is complicated because it can be either a physical problem, psychological problem, porn problem, or all three. It can also be a self-propagation problem.
In other words, ED creates performance anxiety, which creates ED.
Premature ejaculation or inability to climax
Anxiety affects many physical responses and behaviors. The mechanisms that lead to orgasm are no exception.
This is another area where the response can also be the trigger. Premature ejaculation can be a worry for many men as it impacts the enjoyment of their partner and, therefore, causes performance anxiety. But performance anxiety can also cause premature ejaculation, causing yet another vicious cycle.
The inability to climax can also be a result of performance anxiety.
Physical tension
Sexual intimacy is best when both partners are relaxed and comfortable. Although a certain type of pleasurable tension builds during sex, tight muscles, clenched jaw, or shallow breathing aren’t typically part of that.
So, when a man is clearly physically tense during intimate encounters, it may be a sign of performance anxiety.
Whether you’re seeing physical or emotional signs of performance anxiety in your partner, know that it’s also likely his self-esteem has also suffered.
Most men want to feel they can please their partner. Worrying about whether they can or if their body will or won’t cooperate is generally accompanied by a sense of inadequacy or failure even if their partner doesn’t see it that way.
If you’ve seen signs of performance anxiety in your partner, your first instinct may be to reassure him. But it’s not as simple as saying,
“It’s okay, you’ll do great!”
He doesn’t need (or want) a cheerleader. In fact, he probably doesn’t want to know that you’ve seen performance anxiety signs in him at all.
So, if you want to help him it’s important to do it in a way that’s the least embarrassing or emasculating.
How?
Well, each man and situation is different, so there’s no script that will magically fix everything. There are, however, a few tips that can help you better help him.
Focus on emotional intimacy rather than physical
Physical intimacy is best experienced when emotional intimacy is strong. Performance anxiety can be heightened when there’s not a strong foundation of trust or love.
Rather than focusing on the physical experience, try focusing on the emotional closeness and taking things slow. When there’s greater comfort and trust, you may see the signs of performance anxiety fade.
Shift the goal
Part of the problem may be that he actually feels like sexual intimacy requires a performance. This can be particularly true for men who have a porn addiction. What they’ve come to see as normal through porn isn’t generally what women expect.
By reframing sex as a shared experience rather than a performance, you can take some of the pressure off and perhaps reduce his anxiety. And if the goal of the experience is closeness and not just climax, you may both end up relaxed and engaged enough to achieve both.
Get creative
Sometimes, a spontaneous and creative approach can reduce anxiety by eliminating the time for and anticipation of worry. But do keep the previous points in mind so as not to create the opposite effect and make his performance anxiety worse.
Consider professional help
Depending upon the cause and severity of his performance anxiety, it may also be beneficial to consider professional help. If the challenges are physical in nature, his primary care physician is a good place to start. If, however, his anxiety has psychological roots, a qualified, professional counselor is a better choice. And if you don’t know if it’s physical or psychological, do both.
Patience and understanding are key if you’ve seen performance anxiety signs in your partner. If you’re concerned that his performance anxiety is impacting your relationship and intimacy, keep the following in mind:
Performance anxiety in the bedroom isn’t insurmountable. With your support and patience, it’s possible to overcome his worries and create satisfying emotional and physical intimacy for you both.
Signs of performance anxiety can be emotional, behavioral, or physical. Some of the most common signs include avoidance of intimacy, overcompensation, inability to get or maintain an erection, and premature ejaculation.
The most common causes of performance anxiety are fear of judgment, unrealistic expectations of himself, negative past experiences, and sexual trauma.
There’s no formula for helping him get past his performance anxiety, but patience is key. You can also try focusing on emotional intimacy and building more trust, which may lessen his anxiety over time.
No, women can experience performance anxiety as well. The signs and causes can be the same as those for a man.
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