Divorce can cause major turbulence in an already complicated time for your teen. Learn more here.
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I counsel a lot of couples that are on the verge of divorce. One of my goals with these couples is to show them how they can stop a divorce before it happens.
Most come to counseling to find out if there's any way their marriage can be fixed. Although some of these partners aren't asking how to stop a divorce since they assume they’ve got irreconcilable differences and divorce is inevitable.
Many of these partners have been unhappy and thinking about divorce for quite a long time. They see marriage counseling as just a box to check before they pull the trigger on a separation or divorce.
For others, divorce talk has been triggered by an event such as the discovery of cheating or a series of events like the repeated abuse of alcohol.
Whatever the situation, many have little hope that things can actually change. They just see counseling as a last step before the final stage -- divorce.
It’s very hard for most to truly believe that they can stop things from reaching the divorce stage.
Regardless of the circumstances, the best way to stop a divorce is by preventing the need for one in the first place.
Most married couples don’t actively think, “How can I prevent a divorce?" They simply assume, whatever the problems, things will work out and they’ll be fine.
Unfortunately, that’s not usually the case.
There are, however, some couples who naturally practice preventative behaviors, not realizing the favor they’re doing themselves.
Couples who,
are doing divorce prevention whether they know it or not.
Unfortunately, most of us aren't intentional enough about building our marriages to prevent a divorce ahead of time -- we wait until there's a crisis and then get to work trying to fix our relationship.
However, at this point the work is exponentially more difficult.
At the core of how to prevent or stop a divorce is -- change.
Not changing is the cause of all divorces. This is true for both partners in the relationship.
This can be a hard concept for many partners. A lot of people hold beliefs like,
What these partners don’t realize is that life and circumstances change whether they recognize it or not, and keeping a relationship strong means they must change too.
If things are going the wrong direction it’s usually a combination of behaviors from both partners that are the cause. Even if one partner’s behavior seems to be the primary problem, the circumstances that allowed that behavior are a shared responsibility.
What do I mean?
These are all behaviors that come back to both partners and allow the cracks to form in the foundation of a relationship.
Taking stock of your relationship early on and making changes as they’re needed will go a long way toward keeping your relationship strong.
Check out this social media post I wrote about a perfect relationship, and I'll explain next how it relates to change.
Maybe you aren't somebody who wants or expects to have the perfect relationship.
However, whether we're aware of it or not, we all have expectations of what our,
will turn out like.
And when those expectations (sometimes they're unconscious) aren't met, we can understandably become dissatisfied.
If this dissatisfaction isn’t addressed it will grow and lead to resentment, along with other strong feelings that will ultimately causing a couple to drift apart.
Being willing to change is how to stop a divorce.
And one of the most important things we can change are our expectations.
Unrealistic or unmet expectations are at the root of the majority of marital problems.
The failure of expectations to be realized causes disappointment and unhappiness. Many people live with this disappointment allowing it to eat away at them and hurt their relationship.
As I wrote in the above social media post,
In couples counseling I find that one of the biggest problems most couples have is dealing with the imperfections in their partner. A common stumbling block to improving the relationship is the focus on changing all of the imperfections of the partner."
Changing unrealistic expectations of our partners, especially regarding past hurts, is vital for relationship health.
You can stop a divorce with 3 little words.
No, not “I love you,” (those are important too though).
The three words that can stop a divorce are -- "I will change."
You may not know how, and that's okay because there are people out there like me that can teach you. You just need to be willing to change yourself more than you want to change your partner.
It's possible that your partner needs to make changes as well, but the only behavior you can really affect is your own. You have to be willing to make the needed changes within yourself and expect that your partner will do the same.
I remember working with a couple in divorce counseling a few years ago. The husband hadn't cheated or done anything extreme, but he could be very demeaning and controlling towards his wife.
We worked together in couples counseling for a while before she decided to file for divorce when he continued to refuse to make any changes. And he continued this stance while we mediated their divorce without attorneys.
Finally, at one meeting about 5 months into the divorce process he finally broke and admitted he needed to change. Sadly, she was done and was not willing to change her decision to end the marriage.
Had he only been willing to evaluate his own behavior and make the needed changes within himself earlier they would very likely still be together today.
It typically takes both partners being willing to say, "I will change" to stop a divorce from proceeding, but not always. And even though none of us can force our partner to say and do those words, we can certainly influence them by doing it ourselves.
Not all divorces can be stopped, but many can – with the right effort and commitment to change.
In many, many divorces couples have become so focused on what’s wrong with their partner that they forget to look at themselves.
Demonstrating your commitment to the relationship by being willing to make the changes needed about yourself can be very impactful.
It can also reinforce to your partner the importance you place on them and your relationship.
And although both of you may need to make changes, if there has been betrayal in the relationship or anything that has broken trust, it may require the person who did that to do the work first before the other will be willing to engage.
I believe there are always ways that both partners can change themselves for the better. Yet obviously in some situations one partner has more changing to do than the other, such as when they're cheating or are an alcoholic, as described earlier.
If you want to stop a divorce, try working on changing yourself, and start with the words, "I will change."
We all can list things our partner has told us that they wish we would do differently, and that's a great place to start. Even if you cannot stop the divorce, being willing to change is something that will definitely benefit you in the future.
If you liked this article on how to stop a divorce, you can get notified each time there's a new one by signing-up at the bottom of this page, or follow me on Facebook or Twitter where I post relationship and self-improvement tips just like this.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published November 13, 2014, updated on May 23, 2018, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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My wife and I separated and I filed for divorce 2 months ago. A little backstory. Our marriage was always one of passion and love until our daughter, who is our second child, was born positive for meth. I had no clue that my wife was using drugs, and had no idea. I was heartbroken. CPS kicked her out of the house and court ordered both children into my care. I was a single dad with a newborn and a toddler for 9 months while she did what she had to with CPS. We ended up reconciling and she was allowed back home and I thought it would be ok, that she had learned her lesson, that we could weather this storm. Well she started using again and I kicked her out again, and reconciled, and then it happened AGAIN and this time I refiled for divorce. Only this time she changed. She spent a month in rehab and showed me she was clean and was working (she never worked in our entire marriage) and I said great but I still will never trust you and we continued with the divorce. Well she is still clean, looks great, and just in general is a better person, much like the wife I married and not the person she had become. I asked her if she wanted me to cancel the divorce and she said no. She didn't like me over bearing and mistrusting attitude towards her, even though she understood, and she wanted to just be friends. I said that is fine, let's keep the divorce then. And then, one day, we started intimately kissing. I thought that maybe it was just a random slip up, kind of like a reminder of better times for her. Then, last night it happened again and it was more intimate and more intense and she talked about coming home. I love her to death, and I think she still loves me but I have no idea. Should I cancel or postpone the divorce and see about couples therapy? Would it help after so much pain between us
My wife and I separated 3 years ago because I could not control my emotions due from her 2 year affair with her co-worker, which ended 1.5 year before I found out. After a while she took me back and things were great for a year or so before triggers ignited my emotions again which caused the crazy train again. It was my fault for not getting help and committing to that process as I thought I could handle the triggers and emotions on my own. We separated again this past summer and she moved out (I owned the house before we met). There were times we were close to reconciling but I was off and on and thought maybe there was someone better out there for me. When I learned she filed for divorce it woke me up to take action and commit to counseling I need to deal with my emotions as I love her dearly and our 3 year old daughter (child is mine). She has been seeing a guy for 6 weeks and it appears they are serious. When I get the chance to communicate my commitment to her and a plan to heal me, she says she can't give me her heart to be broken again. I am trying my best to give her space and show her change. I also communicate that right now is such a pivotal point for everyone and that divorce is not the answer for her and our daughter. Your advice as to what to do next or how to handle this would be greatly appreciated.
My wife and I have been married for 5 years, we have two young children 4 year old boy and a 2 year old girl. I have been in the military since before we were married and still am. This has caused a lot of friction in our relationship due to me deploying and being gone for a significant portion of our marriage due to military service. Even when I am home I work very long hours, I am a fighter pilot and the stresses and time commitment of work are significant. My wife idealized me when we first meant, and I truly believed that she was my dream girl. She was and is the most attractive woman I could imagine. Recently I came across some shady hotel receipts that pointed towards the fact that she may be having an affair. I asked her about it and she freaked out on my blocked me and went to a divorce lawyer. I tried to repair the relationship as much as possible but ultimately she left me and it was ugly. We have now been separated for 2.5 months, SC requires 12 months to divorce. I want to reconcile but she has trashed me to friends, family, and all of my coworkers. I am currently deployed and she refuses to talk to me or allow me to see my children via FaceTime. Her family won't even talk to me. I love this woman deeply, and she claims I was stalking her when we lived together. She has made up so many lies and manipulations to paint me as this insane lunatic. Her father is behind pushing her so hard toward the divorce, she now has a divorce coach. I'm not certain what if anything I can still do to try to mend this relationship. She has zero respect for me at all anymore and seems to only hold extreme hatred for me. She displays lots of traits of someone with BPD, but I don't think she has ever been diagnosed. She blames me for literally everything she is unhappy about in her life. I can't believe this woman is my formerly loving wife and the mother of our children. I'm open to and advice and anything helps thanks!
My husband told me today he wanted a divorce. He left for a couple of weeks last year. He came back with the understanding I would change. Be more active, Be social, Be more interested in my appearance and enjoying things more. Spend more one on one with our daughter. I was convinced I would change and we ended up in the same day to day rut...not really talking to each other...just going through the same routine in different rooms everyday. I do NOT want a divorce. I love him. I've always been thin and have gained 50 pounds over the last 3 years and feel very self consious and unattractive. I also deal with depression. How in the world can I show him I will change this time. He wants to move out of the house this week. Please help. I'm trying to be strong and not cry in front of him. I just don't know how to show him I will change. There are no magic words I know.