Relationships aren’t just love, connection, and good times. Successful couples also need to be able to navigate difficult emotions. Two of the most challenging are anger and resentment.
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She used to be sweet and loving. She always seemed happy to see you and excited about your future together. But now, after some years together, she’s changed. She doesn’t smile as often and she always seems to be angry about something.
Sound familiar?
If so, you’re not alone.
There are many men out there who ask themselves daily, “Why is my wife always angry?”
You may wonder what you’ve done to cause your wife to be angry all the time, and believe that somewhere deep down she must hate you.
But that’s absurd, right?
You know that occasionally you can act like a jerk, but you also try to make up for it. And you’re fairly sure you’re a pretty nice guy and a good husband (you probably are).
Which leaves you with one very big question:
Why is it that your wife, who was once full of hope and happiness, is now angry and disagreeable so often?
What changed?
Women and men express anger differently. Men are more likely to yell and display their anger in a direct manner, whereas women are more likely to internalize things and are generally more indirect in expressing their anger.
Typically, women show their anger in one (maybe more) of the following ways:
Too often women will choose to remain silent and expect their partner to just know what’s upset them. Unfortunately, men are often not that intuitive.
What? Why do you think I meant something by that? It was just an observation,”
she says after explaining why your "Neanderthal-like behavior" is the reason her mother has never sent you a thoughtful Christmas gift.
None of these are healthy or effective ways of communicating displeasure, but unfortunately they’re fairly common.
And none of these occur for no reason.
Although it may seem like her anger and these actions came out of nowhere and without reason, it’s more likely that frustration has been building for a some time.
Once her anger has reached a certain level it will begin to become more visible through her actions and gradually you find yourself thinking that your wife is always angry.
Let’s first acknowledge that if you and your wife started out happy and with a healthy relationship, then the anger you’re seeing now isn’t “just who she is.”
That being the case, no matter how great a guy you think you are, you’re in some way likely to be contributing to her frustrations and the anger she’s expressing.
That doesn’t mean that your wife has a right to become abusive or blame you for everything. She’s still responsible for her own actions and reactions, and hostility and angry behavior are not effective means of communication.
It does mean, however, that as a couple nothing happens in a vacuum and discontent in a marriage is generally the responsibility of both partners.
However, while you may be contributing to your wife’s anger in some way, that doesn’t mean that you’re the primary source of it.
Confused?
That’s understandable.
Women experience a lot of complicated feelings as they age and grow through marriage - especially as children become involved.
They often have to wear many hats and are expected to seamlessly switch from one to the other several times a day. Who they are and what they need to be for those around them, like their spouses, kids, families, and employers can change multiple times in just an hour depending upon circumstances.
In addition, there are other factors that they may have no control over, like their own biology and the emerging personalities of their own children (teens with opinions on proper parenting are enough to send the most Zen parent over the edge).
Throw all these things and many others into a bucket and you have a potential recipe for an angry wife.
I know, it still seems fuzzy and you’re thinking,
Okay, but what exactly is it that’s causing my wife to always seem angry?”
Let’s break it down a little further and look at some of the most common things that lead to persistent anger in many wives.
Yes, it’s a liberating and powerful time to be a woman – in theory. But the truth is that most women are juggling their efforts to be a loving wife, super-mom, run a household, and work. And it’s hard.
I know – you help and you have the same pressures, right?
Not totally.
The perceived requirements for being a successful woman means that SHE has to do these things, not you.
So, if you feel like when you try to help it only makes her angrier and that you can never do anything right, it may be because too much of your help, or help in the wrong places, makes her feel like you think she’s weak or incapable of handling her responsibilities.
Or, more likely, that she feels this way.
And it’s not just showing them what a strong woman looks like, it’s also the balance of teaching them independence while holding firm to rules and boundaries.
As a mom, she’s always on and walking a tightrope of managing her own behaviors and her family’s. This can lead any wife to feel angry eventually.
There are many very complicated feelings that go along with this topic and it deserves discussion that goes in greater depth than this bullet point.
But suffice it say, there are emotions related to not having kids – even if she never wanted to – that can lead to anger and resentment in some women. And a husband being sensitive to this delicate topic is crucial.
Whether it’s being a good partner, good person, good parent, good employee, or just getting the laundry done – it doesn’t matter.
Women suffer greatly from feelings of failure and inadequacy, and they generally keep those feelings to themselves.
This is one of the reasons that a larger percentage of women suffer from depression than men.
The repression of these feelings, and even undiagnosed depression, can lead to anger problems in women and may be one of the reasons you feel like your wife is always angry.
There is little a woman can do about this outside of knowing herself and managing things. But whether it’s PMS, pregnancy, or menopause, there are times in a woman’s life when she will naturally be more easily angered than others.
Since that’s not going to happen, you need to understand that there are likely many things she wants and needs from you, but just doesn’t want to have to tell you.
She wants you to show her respect and appreciation, to tell her you love her, for you to be romantic, to unload the dishwasher and pick up your underwear, the list goes on.
The bottom line is that as a married couple you need to keep practicing good communication skills. Not just you – her too.
As a marriage goes on and things get busier and busier, good communication often falls by the wayside. This means that frustration can build on both sides and pretty soon you’re both angry (but your wife may be angrier).
Most women I talk to have hours of responsibilities that go on even after dinner has been eaten and kids have gone to bed. Not to mention the late-night responsibilities for kids who are sick, have had a nightmare, or just need water.
Even family vacations are often working vacations for many women with little real relaxation.
Many wives who always seem angry may be very aware that their behavior seems hostile and want to change it. They often miss who they used to be but feel like there’s no real path back to being that person.
Is this your fault?
No, not really.
But are you doing anything to help, or could you be making it worse by not recognizing what she’s going through?
First, know that your wife probably isn’t having a midlife crisis, which is often what husbands mistakenly believe.
She’s probably quite normal, just a bit off track with her emotions and in need of your help and attention. Anger issues in women can be a sign of midlife crisis but, for most women, signs of a midlife crisis are more varied and extreme.
Second, if you can’t magically become a mind reader, the best thing you can do when your wife is upset and frustrated is talk to her.
And to actually listen and try to understand what she has to say.
Just that effort can make a big difference in the closeness of your relationship and help strengthen your partnership, so she doesn’t feel alone and become even angrier.
Feeling heard and understood is important to us all, and it’s particularly important for the health of a marriage.
Dr. Kurt works with many men who feel that their wives are always angry. Many times they feel frustrated because they don’t know what to do. He offers this advice to men struggling to understand their wife's anger:
Most people are uncomfortable being around someone with strong emotions. This can be especially true for men. When our wives are angry we're likely to either want to make the anger go away or we want to go away ourselves. Note that what was recommended above was for you to "listen" to her, not try to fix it. Most of us men have a default 'fix-it' mode that can get particularly triggered by our wife's emotions. This isn't usually the best first response, however. And when she's angry this is likely to be even more true. When most of us are angry we usually just want and need to vent more than anything. So guys, listen first."
Understand that if your wife is always angry then there are likely issues that have been festering for a long time.
This means that it may take a while for that anger to dissipate. You’ll each need to work on improving your communication so that whatever is causing anger and resentment in either of you can be addressed.
Dealing with a spouse who always seems to be edgy and angry is difficult for both of you. If you feel like your wife is always upset and angry about something, keep these things in mind:
If, however, despite your best efforts, your wife’s anger persists and she’s unable to manage it, she’ll benefit from speaking with a professional counselor. Abusive behavior of any kind is unacceptable, so if she won't get help, then get it yourself.
An objective third party with the right professional training and experience can often help women and men struggling with anger sort through things and get back to a healthy and happy place in their lives.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published January 15, 2020 and has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Relationships aren’t just love, connection, and good times. Successful couples also need to be able to navigate difficult emotions. Two of the most challenging are anger and resentment.
Emotions are tricky things. They can flare up in an instant or slowly build over time, reshaping how we perceive ourselves and the people closest to us. Find out more.
Are you Married To An Angry Man? Find out from one wife’s real-life experience what it's like being Married To An Angry Man. See if Angry Men can change.
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I'm a young man who doesn't have much experience in relationships. My second GF in less than 3 years also started to get super angry from small things and hurts my feelings or gives me stupid mean answers when i ask her.
I feel deeply sorry that I'm loosing my needs to talk to her, while i silently suffer loosing the relationship and hope in any relationship.
Does anyone knows or guess: what is the percentage of angry wives?
Get out why you can.... No further advice except for life is short and we deserve mutual respect
RUN far away. It while just get worse, much worst! Guaranteed.
Stay single!!
I did EVERYTHING in my marriage. And I do mean everything. I worked full-time, she didn't. I did all the cooking, cleaning and errands. I did all the childcare and parenting. She did nothing but criticize every little thing I did. She was jealous and angry because I was so competent in my domestic skills. She chose to take out her frustrations on me. She'd be happily talking on the phone to a friend, and the second I come into the room she instantly gets angry, gives me dirty looks, and verbally abuses me. I finally told her I no longer cared what she thought of me. I would continue doing everything for the family, I will do it my way, and I will ignore all criticism. I had no desire to have sex with her, or really be in the same room. I told her she needed to leave and find someone who could make her happy. Eventually she did leave, and that was a great day for me and the kids. There is no way I will ever let a woman infect my life again. They are completely useless, bring nothing to the table, cause nothing but problems, and are full of hate. Men are much better off without them. Women are absolutely all cost and no benefit. Don't look at them, approach them, talk to them, or date them. And most important, never live with or marry one. Treat them like a dangerous, deadly poison, because that's what they are.
You don't need an angry women in your life, ruining it. Break up and find a better person, or be on your own, which is very enjoyable and a great learning experience. Sometimes a woman is just unpleasant, face facts.
What's being said here in all the comments describes my life exactly. First, my wife is a constant complainer. Every day it's something, her job, her supervisor, something I did, didn't do, or should have done. And it's not a minute or two, it can and has gone on for a couple hours. This morning was a good example, I had to endure a 90-minute tirade about how bad her boss is plus she keeps repeating the same points over and over. I walk on eggshells daily, not knowing when my wife will blow up, and that's what aggravates me the most. If I know when and what is coming, I can prepare, but I don't. I've been dealing with this for years and it never gets better. I suggested counseling, but that just makes her even angrier. When I try to talk to her, she interrupts and talks over me. And the sarcasm, every day always some snarky hurtful, and sarcastic comments coupled with insults. And just to make everything even better, I've developed migraine headaches and high blood pressure. I'm so tired of it all.
I unfortunately live in a similar situation. Love my family but it feels like I am sick in the head with worry as to when I will forget something next... .
My wife don't cook, is really dumb, don't work, and treat me like sh*t, allways very angry with me, yelling at me all the time. i'm a nice guy, ask anyone. she's allways angry. and if i leave, she get half of my money i made in 20 years of really hard working (and giving to her shoes). she never helped me. i dont love her anymore and i hate her. yet, we have a son and i don't want to disappoint him. finally i understand men who commit suicide.