There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
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I work with couples each week who’ve been rocked by the effects of cheating.
Although both men and women in relationships can cheat, I most often get asked by women about whether confronting the other woman is acceptable. Some even want to know if it will help the healing process.
Sometimes this question gets asked while it’s still in the idea stage, but many times a woman has already engaged and confronted the other woman, and I hear about it after it’s happened.
There's nothing abnormal about a woman whose partner has cheated wanting to confront the other woman. In fact, it's a natural, self-protective response.
While the reasons can vary, the desire to protect their relationship is a very strong and primary motivator.
Unfortunately, many don't think long and hard enough about whether it's really a good idea.
Being cheated on will ignite a firestorm of insecurities in women (and in men too). Most partner’s think their spouse cheating is somehow a result of their own shortcomings – they're not good enough.
Although that’s not true, when your spouse cheats it’s easy to think you’re the reason.
These insecurities can make a woman feel the need to confront the woman her man had the affair with hoping to prove or disprove her suspicions and fears.
Generally, partners hope to answer the one, overwhelming question –
Why?
Why would he break his commitment and hurt me this way?
As a woman looks for the answer to that question, she’s often asking a number of smaller ones about the other woman.
Is she,
Or,
Here are a few partners' stories about what led them to confronting the other woman.
Two years ago, my husband announced (at my asking what was going on with him) that he didn't think he was in love with me anymore, and that he didn't think he wanted to be married anymore. I soon discovered some emails between him and his Admin Assistant (newly separated herself) that were not conclusive, but were at least inappropriate and suggestive that there was something more than their just talking about their respective marital issues, as he claimed. Needless to say, I was devastated. I couldn't understand it – we had a beautiful marriage – not always perfect - but we had built a beautiful life together. I loved him, I wanted our marriage - but I was holding a lot of resentment and anger regarding this other woman and I wanted answers. Every time I went there, he continued to deny that anything had happened and didn't feel that he had done anything wrong and the discussion would end with his wanting to leave and his wanting a divorce etc. I began to shut down in terms of talking about my feelings etc. So I found her number and called her..." -Ashley
My husband left me and my 2 kids six months ago. He says he isn't happy and that he wants a divorce. He refuses to go to counseling because he doesn't want to fix our relationship. One night I decided to go for a drive and found his car was not parked on his street. I went to the other woman house and found his car parked around the corner. I know that you don't visit a friend at 10:15pm at night. All night I couldn't stop thinking about her, so I decided to confront her and went back the next day and knocked on her door..." -Marisa
We've had a rocky relationship, but it's not all been bad, three years ago we had our daughter, since then I haven't had a lot of time for him, to cut a long story short...I find out he had been sleeping with another woman, I confronted them, acted needy, pleading etc which was crazy now I think of it. I love this man but I'm no doormat......I do love him dearly & want to be with him only to have him tell me WE WILL NEVER BE A COUPLE, he thinks he's in love with this woman but I sense it's just a desire. He doesn't see he's done anything wrong & seems to want to punish us for things that aren't our doing, he's the one that's wronged us. This other woman doesn't have any young children or stress's like I have with a three year old. I want to confront her and tell her she's destroying our life..." -Lana
Understandably, anyone whose partner has cheated on them is going to be very angry and hurt.
Those hurt feelings need an outlet, and often what feels like the easiest, best, and most rewarding outlet is confronting the other woman.
Another reason women end up engaging the other woman is because, like Ashley, their partners won't be honest or take any responsibility for their actions, and they want answers.
Every time I went there, he continued to deny that anything had happened and didn't feel that he had done anything wrong...So I found her number and called her."
So, is confronting her a good idea?
What comes after a partner confronts the other woman?
There are several outcomes from that confrontation that I've seen with the couples I've counseled after an affair.
Among them are,
It's not uncommon for the other woman to get angry and attack you. If your partner's still communicating with her, the two of them can end up conspiring against you. As unbelievable as that may sound, I've seen it happen many times.
He gets angry with you for reaching out to her. As a result, your already broken communication just gets even more difficult.
Often the other woman will have nothing to do with you, and so you just end up wasting your time and energy chasing someone who just avoids you (and any accountability).
She lies to you by saying she didn't know he was married. While what she says could be true, you can't trust her – so putting any value in what she tells you is a big mistake.
The bottom line about confronting the other woman is that it will get you nowhere closer to fixing your problem.
Need more reasons not to contact her?
Please think long and hard before confronting the other woman. I've never seen it fix anything. If you're still thinking that maybe it could, then re-read the 3 points above.
Although most of us can understand the desire to confront the woman who’s participated in your husband’s betrayal, doing so isn’t a good idea.
If you’re feeling tempted to confront her, please reread the advice above and remember,
Almost nothing can threaten to end a relationship more quickly than cheating. It’s hard to put into words the anger and outrage a partner feels with that kind of betrayal.
But if your husband has cheated, think twice before confronting the other woman. Instead, put that energy and focus into your own mental health and fixing your relationship.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published April 7, 2016, updated on March 08, 2022, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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I've been with the man in my life for almost 3 years. 6 months ago I found out that during a rough patch he was seeig one of the teachers at my stepsons school, his teacher. Its ended and he couldnt be more attentive, now.
It still bothers me because I deal with this woman whenever I go to the school. She knew when she contacted him that he was in a committed relationship and that we have a home together. And that we were happy.
While I know one size of the story, his side. And I have forgiven and moved on. Forgetting is different. Its next to impossible! I am at home recovering from surgery and cancer, so I have a lot of time on my hands. A lot of time to think.
So I sent an email to this woman, asking her a few things. I did not attach her and I am not upset. I just want to understand why this happened, so it never does again.
Cheating is the most selfish and destructive thing you can do to someone, its never an accident! Its done for selfenjoyment, with no care about the one at home cooking, cleaning, doing your laundry and raising your kids.
I say the other woman is a very selfish person who has no respect for anybody and she can't get her own man so she has to go for a man who married. He selfish too and has no respect for anybody else's feelings expect his own. I say leave him don't waste your time on him. Find another man that will treat you better. Let these alfuw people hurt each other cause it will happen .
I have been with my husband for 38 years and have 3 kids. About 2 months ago I found out that my husbands old girlfriend wanted to be his friend on face book and he accepted. Since they have been friends they have talked everyday by texting and calling each other on messenger. When I found out he told me that she is going thru a hard time since she found out her husband cheated on her and she needs a friend. He tells me that is all it is. But when I get to look at his phone once he goes to sleep I seen text messages from her calling him sunshine, and how she misses him.They have not met as of yet but I don't know what to do. I was thinking about sending her a text message from a different phone.